burning like matchsticks in the face of the darkness

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*eyeroll*

Also, there may be more color options for individual calendars (it's been a while since I added a new calendar, so I can't remember how many color options there were), but there's still only a half a dozen (albeit a slightly different half a dozen than before -- which seem to be all kinda pastely, which I'm not such a fan of) for differentiating events within my own calendar. (Though possibly they have reinstated the borders on my individual events -- plus calendars-not-your-own now have subtle cross-hatching, which also helps distinguish them from my own calendar items)

I got bonus surprise Scott today, albeit briefly.  He was sadface to learn that I wouldn't be around this afternoon.  I teased him about calendar-keeping.  And got to be the bearer of the exciting news that GoogleCalendar recently improved the Recurrence feature.

I can't sit in on class tomorrow because they don't have any extra seats, but it'll be recorded.

He was going to invite me to Simchat Torah except I have Art Night class.  I told Roza tonight: "I'm going to be a lot more Jewish by the end of this year, aren't I?"

*

Event went well.  Julia likened me to an "angel" at one point.  I'll have to watch the video of the panel discussions at some point as I had to be in and out a bunch.

*

Before Sacred Eros tonight, Desmond said of me: "She's a writer; she takes words seriously."  A. asked me what I write.  I finally turned to Roza and asked her, "What do I write?"  She answered, "You write sermons," in a sort of "among other things" tone, and I said, "Thank you, that is in fact what I was looking for."  (I had discarded blogging as not the answer I was looking for, since I don't feel sufficiently like that's a What I Do; and porn fanfic, since I really don't do that anymore; and I was literally blanking.)

One of the things we ended up talking about was "radical hospitality," and people used various story-images to express how they understood that concept; I forgot how powerful that is.  At some other point someone said something about the tension of using Bible stories in a UU service, of are those stories going to be resonant for people who don't come from that tradition, and my immediate (unspoken) response was, "They had better be or else Christianity isn't worth much" -- by which I mean that the stories that make up the Story of our faith should be powerful, resonant stories that speak to people.

Edit: At some other point during Sacred Eros, I cited a bit from the "Happiness" sermon Molly recently reposted (though I was recalling it from memory -- my netbook's busted, recall -- so I talked about not being happy with "the way things are" from more of an externally-directed perspective, which I think is a little unfortunate because "Frankly, I think God wants us to grow" is a great idea):

“Frankly, I think God wants us to grow and for me, growth comes from conflict. And I am never happy with conflict. I guess underlying conflict is change—and if I were happy with the way things are in the world, I wouldn’t want to change them. Of course, if I follow my own logic, then I am probably not happy with change either.”

There were whole hours yesterday wherein I forgot I was sick.  Today I was mostly just congested.  And hey, Kieran never got back to me about plans, so I get to go to bed early again.  (I realize I have turned into a person who doesn't respond to messages in a timely fashion -- though I am usually wicked prompt in responding to stuff about actual plans -- but I caught up on a whole bunch today, which I feel really good about.)

I went to bed ~10:30 last night.  My dreams this morning were clearly influenced by events of the day.  Dreams included some comfort/reconciliation -- because my brain loves me and wants me to be happy -- and also my brother being a (still more conservative than I) Lutheran.

( gym )

On my way from the gym to the office, I saw Scott heading toward me, and we waved and then we hugged and we actually went around in I think a full 360.  (Hi, Amy, I thought of you.)

Proving that he had read my email (he has RSI, so I'm usually more surprised to get an email from him than not), he said, "You need my cell phone number, and you need mine."

He also said he didn't know if he had shared his GoogleCalendar with me.  (Cate, are you proud?  Sidebar: When we were scheduling for the weekend his girlfriend was in town, I said that the purple was my calendar, so he could ignore the blue, and he was like, "Oh, too bad, that looks like a fun calendar -- Date Night ... BOOTIE Boston...")

"Oh, and I was supposed to invite you to Simchat Torah."  ♥  I got an email yesterday afternoon from the Temple Shalom Medford young adult listserv, so I knew what he was talking about, and I also knew that I had a conflict -- Salvadorian dinner + walk around Jamaica Pond with Carolyn.

I said, "Oh, so that's what GoogleCalendar calls Rejoicing of the Torah."  We talked some more about religious holidays on GoogleCalendar, and I actually looked up Creation on October 23 (true story the Wiki entry was the first Google hit for october 23 creation) and Reformation Day.

Then he went and met with a prof and then came back and talked to me more (about NCOD, among other things) and then hugged me before he left.  \o/

After work, I was at CVS, and the Seasonal section of the greeting cards section included Pastor.  I have no idea why.  There were 7 -- 4 used male language for God, 1 assumed a male pastor, 2 were neutral.  There were also 3 Rosh Hashana cards -- 1 "to both of you," 1 "from both of us," and 1 generic (which actually read from left to right).

My Barnes&Noble order came today.  As did a notice from Payroll:  "The Payroll Office has been notified by the Cash Management Department of Financial Systems that the following check(s) made payable to [my name] have not been cashed.  [Check Amount: $744.81, Check Date: 2/3/06]  As payroll checks are non-negotiable after six months, we have enclosed a replacement check(2) for you."  That date is right after I got hired fo'real (after being a long-term temp), so my guess is that it got lost in the direct-deposit shuffle.

My flist was so much quieter (in a good way) when LoudTwitter was broken.  Sigh.

Dangers of having folders in my GoogleReader: I keep forgetting to read The Hathor Legacy because I had it poorly filed.  Today I added a whole bunch of author/book blogs to my GoogleReader and made them their own folder.  I also added a gazillion books to my GoodReads, mostly from finally sitting down and going through the entire archive of 50books_poc (well, I got as far as March 11, 2008...).

Sidebar: Is there a way to rename your folders in GoogleReader?

When did I stop being the girl who had her travel plans all organized well in advance?  I am disproportionately pissed about Convo stuff, in large part because I miss being the girl who had all her plans well-organized well in advance.

I think the heat + emotional stuff = me at the end of my fucking rope.

I'm fine, really.  The heat wave is supposed to break soon, and I work in an (overly) air-conditioned building, and my house has an AC in the living room (and I have window-size fans for my bedroom).  And the emotional stuff is basically resolved, which I think is WHY I'm feeling so raw (and even that word sounds like an overstatement ... I think it's more that I'm just running out of emotional resources for coping -- and I expect getting some sleep, among other things, will help with that) ... because I don't need to be the strong moderate one; I can be the vulnerable girl with the unresolved issues.  And gee, there is a plan to talk about said Issues this coming Monday :)

I am also pleased with myself that my response to all this is to be forthright and transparent (while still not going out of my way to be hurtful).

My desk is a mess with a gazillion piles of papers, and I have stupid expense stuff to deal with, and I know that I will feel better about myself (not to mention actually make progress) if I just dig in and do it, but I am wicked freaking avoidant. Ugh, I hate being disorganized and/or behind on stuff.

I also think the lack of sufficient socialization that nurtures me continues to be bad for me.

(Nothing like having friends who are clinically depressed to make one particularly attentive to signs that one might be symptomatic as well.)

"I am a bright, brilliant, beloved child of God, and I am beautiful to behold."

Heh, L. emailed me this morning saying in part, "[friend] and I used to talk almost every day, and I would [...]" and the Google sidebar prompts me:

Would you like to...
Add to calendar
talk almost and I woul...
Daily

Today's Lenten Labyrinth talks about the story of the Samaritan woman and how Jesus was breaking all sorts of social boundaries . . . the usual stuff from that story . . . and then it goes on to say:

     As you ponder the out-of-character behavior of Jesus, at least out-of-character for a Jewish man of his time, remember that he was tired. I propose to you that, at the well, Jesus was not so much meek and humble of heart as sick and tried of heart. He was sick and tired, fed up with the silly laws that separate people, laws that brand women as inferior. He was sick and tired of those religious debates about which religion is superior to all others, the "Mine is best" attitude.
     Was Jesus also sick and tired of the fact that any group of people thought they could capture God and put God inside some little building on this or that mountain? His words to the woman at Jacob';s well seemed edged in impatience. Jesus said that God is Spirit, and so you cannot put God in any box or house.

The first few days in the book talked about death and stuff and I assumed it was a more conservative bent, but this is all blah blah inclusive. (And it's talked recently about wishing wells -- about gifting the goddess of the well, which made me all like, "Really? In a Lenten devotional book?")

***

( gym )

***

Leap Year Google Doodle

in_parentheses says:

I love the idea of Leap Day as a day out of time -- it's like the extra hour for Daylight Savings, only we get twenty-four extra hours! Why isn't it a carnival day? Why are we all going to work like normal?

***

Hey, Cat. The Economist came today, and one of the articles listed on the front cover is "In praise of the potato." I flipped to page 18 to find "The potato: Spud we like: In praise of the humble but world-changing tuber," which informed me that "The United Nations has declared 2008 the International Year of the Potato." There is also a book review:

History of the potato
Wonder-food

On the face of it, John Reader's new biography of the potato seems to have a silly title—"propitious esculent" is just a fancy way to say "helpful food"—and an even sillier subtitle. But that is because the virtues of the world's fourth biggest food crop (after maize, wheat and rice) and its influence on world history are easily overlooked. "I used to take potatoes for granted," the author writes. His aim is to discourage readers from doing likewise.

And lastly there's an article about the potato in Peru, where it was first domesticated. (I feel like only a British rag would come up with the punny "Llamas and mash" as a title for such an article.)

***

I got everything squared away at work (well, I delegated one thing because I was still waiting on a response from her prof) and got to the TransLaw conference early and everything.

Between panels, a woman sitting next to me (Talia) made some superficial small talk comment, and we got chatting, and it actually would have been lovely for it to have gone on longer. This was extra nice 'cause I was feeling very much like most people there already knew clumps of people and I was just sitting there reading my book. (Not that I mind sitting and reading my book.)

I took brief notes on the panels, so there's actually a prayer of writeups happening sometime this decade.

Both panels ran late, and at 5:30 (when the second panel was originally supposed to end) I opted to stay for the half hour Q&A rather than extricating myself from my row to go make my preferred train back to Norwood.

I got dinner at the Harvard Square Qdoba (I had a Qdoba coupon that was only good for January/February) and then went to South Station and read. We're reading pieces of The Meaning of Jesus: Two Visions in adult ed at CHPC, and last week we did chapters 3-4 and this week we're doing chapters 9-10 but of course I feel the need to read all the chapters, and I actually finished chapter 8 right as my commuter rail pulled into my station, so yay for good use of my time.

I walked in to the sanctuary and saw MikeF. and JohnP. and I hugged Mike and he said he'd asked my mom to help with the offertory if I didn't get there in time so I should tell her I was here. I went and found her and we hugged and it was . . . not quite the feeling of hanging on for dear life, but . . . as my mom said later, "These are wounded people." I went back, and I hugged JohnP. and it was the same kind of hugging. Less prolonged, but the exact same feeling. I did a lot of shoulder/back rubbing and side-hugging and stuff with both of them throughout the evening.

I had thought I would go to Singspiration in part to get more information about the UCN drama, but most people just did the superficial "How are you?" / "Fine" exchanges -- and there are a variety of legitimate reasons to not talk about that stuff, especially with me (even though I feel like I'm a member of the church by proxy) and in this particular context. I am really glad that I went and was able to be a blessing to people. (And of course after we got home, my mom and I talked.)

People kept asking if I was staying at my parents', and I said I was staying overnight but then getting an early train back to Boston to attend a conference, and GinnyH actually asked me what the conference was, and I said, "transgender legal issues," and she didn't give me shockface or anything, in fact started asking me about it like had I learned interesting/useful stuff or something like that and I just went with it and did my best to answer -- since lots of different things had been brought up in the two panels I'd been to thus far. Other stuff came up and we didn't get far in the conversation, but still, I thought, "I'm so confused; aren't you supposed to be telling me how bad and deviant trans folk are and questioning why I'm going to this conference?"

---

"Joy Sadhana is a daily practice in the observation of joy."
-mylittleredgirl [more info]
"Sin is necessary, but all will be well, and all will be well, and every kind of thing will be well."
-Julian of Norwich, Showings

Five good things about today:
1. I saw Allie waiting for the T this morning.
2. I had baby samosas (and eggplant with potato curry) for lunch.
3. [TransLaw] I spent nearly four hours listening to radical folk and did not feel profoundly uncomfortable.
4. [Singspiration] I told a member of UCN that I was going to a conference on transgender legal issues and she acted like that wasn't anything to remark on.
5. When my mom brought the car around when we finally left Singspiration (we stayed through all the cleanup) it was just beginning to snow lightly.

Three things I did well today:
1. At work, I wrapped up the stuff I didn't get to yesterday.
2. I looked into gay clubs in the Boston area as advance research for a friend's potential visit.
3. I helped with the post-Singspiration cleanup a bit.

Two things I am looking forward to (doing [better]) tomorrow:
1. More TransLaw conference -- which hopefully I will stay awake for (god I fail at going to bed).
2. Saturday night I will actually get to sleep for real. (I hope.)

My family is the best.  My dad e-mailed me about my aunt (who just finished nursing school -- the graduation I skipped to go to my own Reunion):

She had taken the nursing certification exam on Tuesday and the computer had shut her down after the minumum number of questions.  I calculated that even if she had gotten all the questions wrong so far, there were still enough left that she had a mathematical chance to pass.  So the computer wouldn't have shut her down for failing.  Unless ... it had decided that even though she had a mathematical chance, the possibility wasn't worth taking seriously: like expecting the Tampa Bay Devil Rays to win the American League East championship.

When she called up, her first words were, "I'm not the Tampa Bay Devil Rays!"

***

I haven't been really paying attention to the details of the HP:7 midnight release parties 'cause it feels par for the course and it's not like I would go to any anyway (I'll acquire a loaner copy of the British edition, but I haven't been really into the series for some time now).

However, being reminded of the Harvard Square party it finally clicked that I'm actually gonna be in the Square that same night (birthday dinner with my family).

I'm consistently spoilerphobic (props to LJ, btw; I read Book 5 almost 6 months after it came out and was still unspoiled; didn't see the big Spoiler outside of a cut-tag until like 3 months after that) but I'm feeling oddly unfazed about Book 7 -- which is extra-ironic since most of LJ seems to be burying themselves under a rock to avoid spoilage (trolling people with spoilers is just mean, btw).  I wouldn't want to have been spoiled for the big Books 5 and 6 spoilers, and I'm sure when I read Book 7 I'll get to stuff which will make me think, "I'm so glad I wasn't spoiled for this," but I'm completely unfazed at the moment.  Which is not an invitation to spoil me as I still wish to go into stuff unspoiled, but it's kind of interesting, given my history and everything.

(I have been reading writeups of the OotP movie, but that's different since I have no interest in watching the movies.  Okay, I'm tempted to see the 5th movie 'cause I hear Luna is awesome, but I think really I can wait for the video.)

[I also do not currently have comment on StrikethroughGate is going boom again.  Though reading relevant information/discussion and parsing it should be on my to-do list.]

Obligatory link to the Emmy nomination list.  Provided by Amy, who said: "Hey, how many people from YOUR favorite bad WB show are nominated?

(If you're not sure, though, you could find out here. Hint: the answer is probably "less than four". Which, contrary to popular opinion, is not "a really big heart".)"

***

I was Google-Map-ing for MaryAlice and dude, they have the MBTA stops now (little blue and white M squares).  ♥

***

We watched "Mr. Frost" (tWW 7.04) today.  This seems appropriate to my mood today.

I was gonna listen to "After All" ("We will push on into that mystery / And it'll push right back / And there are worse things than that") but ended up listening to "Mercy of the Fallen" instead almost by accident, and yeah.

There’s the wind and the rain
and the mercy of the fallen
Who say they have no claim to know what’s right
There’s the weak and the strong
and the beds that have no answer
And that’s where I may rest my head tonight

[...]

There’s the weak and the strong
And the many stars that guide us
We have some of them inside us

I was talking tonight about how my bosses have all been away so I have barely everything to do and I end up not even doing the stuff I need to do and I'm so unmotivated to do anything and . . . Michelle said it's Dorito Syndrome -- you indulge but ultimately aren't fulfilled.  This makes a lot of sense (and reminds me of my tarot reading from WriterCon last summer about want vs. need, which is an idea I keep coming back to).

Michelle gave me a back/shoulder/neck/arm massage during discussion tonight, and she goes really deep and I enjoyed it.  I'd been thinking recently about trying out some of the local massage places -- though I also felt kinda stupid 'cause it's not like I'm particularly stressed.  I'm not sure if I'm touch-deprived or not (oddly, when I visited Smith people last weekend I didn't insist on much cuddling like I usually do) but it's entirely possible that it would be one tool [obviously not the only one] in helping me feel better.

When we sat down to dinner tonight my mood just lifted, which was somewhat surprising since there wasn't anything I would point to in particular, but it was nice.

Turns out Michelle can't hang out this Saturday after all, so that frees me up to do some erranding and possibly some room-cleaning (yeah, I'm lame and will probably skip out on ArtBeat).

I've been looking for black sneakers, and I really liked these ones, but I just noticed that they're part leather.  Gar.  So that means more shoe shopping.

In more productive news, I have bought my round-trip Europe tickets.  My travel plans for within Europe are mostly solidified except for getting from Barcelona to London for the return.  Meredith recommends EasyJet over RyanAir, so I'll be checking that out.

I got my workshop schedule for Convo (you give them three choices and get assigned two).  I'm going to the two transgender workshops.  Hopefully they'll be good.  (Yes, HomoCon SafeColleges has made me wary of workshops.)

I also went to the gym after work today.  I really should ask one of the trainers to make sure I'm doing the rowing machine correctly 'cause when I used to use it I felt like I really wasn't working my body at all.  Today I just did the elliptical and then left to pick up an ILL item at SOM/WEST and hang out reading for a bit before small group.

I think I am incapable of working out so hard I hurt the next day (which I think is a good thing, really), but I've definitely been trying to push myself.

1mi @ 11:15min
2mi @ 23:10min
2.55mi @ 30min
2.90mi post-5min-cooldown

***

Bedtime now.

My brother hooked up an additional router so he can actually have Internet access at home. This has made my Internet connection hella spotty, however. Good thing I'm moving out soon :)

Both my brother and my father had as their immediate reaction my comment about my windows: that replacing window panes is really easy. So I declare the first weekend in June my move-in date and if the windows aren't fixed by then I'll just have them do it.

A "why am I on your flist?" meme is going around. The people who don't comment much and/or whom I don't feel I have much in common with, I'm curious to know the answer to that, but I feel like I'm in a headspace where I would be more mopey "nobody loves me" than usual, and I don't wanna be passive-aggressive self-destructive like that. I'm also having trouble answering those who have posted it so far, so it feels unfair to ask others to do it for me.

musesfool is doing We Cease to Be Earthbound: The Firefly-West Wing Title Challenge. Write Firefly fic using the title of a West Wing episode. I'm tempted, though none of the titles jump out at me.

Today, Eric called me a jerk (not seriously) for not being all aflutter over the photos of his new kitten. Yeah, 'cause he of all people is in such a position to call someone a jerk. He also said, "Don't you just want to eat it up?" and meant it literally. "Not you personally, 'cause you're a vegetarian, but if you weren't." Um, no.

"You're a girl. You pick something." -my brother to my mother while tie-shopping