burning like matchsticks in the face of the darkness

At morning prayer this morning, we sang "Beautiful Jesus" (TNCH #44). I told FCS-Ian I wasn't a big fan -- that it's a "Jesus is my boyfriend" sort of a hymn. Afterward, Ian said he'd never heard the term "Jesus is my boyfriend" but that it certainly fit, that this song sounds a lot like something you would say to your lover. I hadn't thought of it that way before, but it's true.

I said that (and that this is because/indicative that I'm a Unitarian at heart) the word that primarily comes to mind for me for this hymn is "idolatrous." I said that the phrase "Jesus is my boyfriend" usually gets used to refer to contemporary praise music, but that I thought of it in this hymn because there's stuff about the beauty of Creation, and I'm into that, but then it's, "But Jesus is better -- he's prettier and he smells better." Ian laughed and said, "You're paraphrasing, but not by much."

I said I am pro-Jesus, but because of the work Jesus did in the world... Ian concurred.

Ian said the hymn is often titled "Fairest Lord Jesus" [warning for auto-play in that link] and that makes him think White and he was glad that at least we weren't singing something with the undertones of, "Jesus is the best because he's pretty -- and he's pretty mostly because he's White."

In thinking about the "Jesus is my boyfriend" trope, I thought of my best friend's love for Jesus and Her Church -- something I very much don't have.

When my best friend says, "Jesus is my Girlfriend," there's a lot going on with Incarnation and queer theology and body theology there.

So/and I'm hesitant to totally dismiss "I personally adore the person [pun intended] of Jesus."

Though I'm still uncomfortable with the adoration/worship of Jesus.

I'm not all that interested in worship/adoration of God of the, "Here, I will tell You how awesome You are," variety, period, because I don't think God needs ego-boosts (though I do think reminding ourselves of the goodness of God can be a valuable spiritual practice).

And -- perhaps ironically for someone who professes to be really uninterested in most social justice work -- I think God is happier when we are working to do God's Will in the world, to help embody the truth that "The kin-dom of God is at hand," than when we are just singing God's praises. (When you are in love with someone, you want to love what they love, right? You want to be passionate about the things they're passionate about. You want to work with them. You don't want to spend ALL of your time gushing at/about them. At least not once you're past the NRE stage.)

FCS-Ian sent an email to the listserv last night:

Subject: Thursday morning prayer - 7:00

Come rain or SNOW or sleet or cold, we will still gather at 7:00 for morning prayer, in the chapel.

Join us for warmth of body and spirit.

Peace,
Ian

As if there were ever any doubt.

When I left the house around 6:30 this morning, there was maybe an inch of snow on the porch, not bad at all... a bit more on the steps... and then I reached the sidewalk and yeah, probably six inches or so. (I felt sort of like I should have been a good citizen and shoveled, but I didn't even remember to set my early-for-morning-prayer alarm last night, so I was definitely not thinking ahead.) Our street had been plowed -- so when I went to move into the street, I got to go through a pile of snow about up to my knees. I had thought wet, heavy snow was predicted, but this felt like fairly light snow (and the snowdrifts were clearly windblown in parts) -- which meant I wasn't getting much resistance/leverage in surmounting the snow drift, but oh well.

Tufts is back in session, so the sidewalks for much of my walk were actually cleared, but I opted to walk in the road anyway, as it was easier and there was almost no traffic.

Ian had shoveled a (narrow-ish) path from the side door (the one closest to the chapel) out to the street -- and after service was going to shovel more (both at the church and at his own house). \o/ He really enjoys shoveling (gives him a feeling of accomplishment) and said it only took him about 10 minutes to shovel that path.

I got 10 hours of sleep Friday night and Saturday night each, which rocked.

Saturday I got up the same time I do every workday morning and for ~6.5 hours helped CWM move out of CAUMC and move into H-E -- including a preliminary unpacking/sorting.

Today, Nancy Taylor guest-preached at FCS.  Her sermon was titled "Dearly Beloved" and was on John 2:1-11.  Which is neither the lectionary nor the An Altar in the World sermon series (today would have been "Reverence: The Practice of Paying Attention").  I was unimpressed.  At Coffee Hour, Ian mentioned that it was a sermon he really needed to hear, and I said I think I'm feeling really done with sermons about managing crisis situations, and so I was glad that people it needed to speak to liked it.

(I will say that I cried when she said that one of the ministers at Old South -- who was pregnant with Jonah when Molly was pregnant with Carmen -- would be inviting their congregation to turn toward Somerville and extend their hands and bless us.)

I stayed for the Emergency Congregational Meeting after service.  Ian had seen me before service and asked if I was staying for the meeting and said he thought that, as someone who has a lot of experience with different church polities, I would really enjoy it ♥

Oh, before service I was chatting with Julie (who stepped up to be a Greeter) and she said that she thought it was so kind what I said to Emily at the Process Theology session last week -- when Emily was like, "I didn't understand half the words you just said" (we went around the room and said a little about the influences on our theology) and I replied something like, "Well it's probably just that I've read some theology that maybe you haven't read yet."  I thanked Julie -- especially, I said, because being kind is not always one of my strengths.

This Thursday we finish up Esther in Thursday morning prayer, and I had said I wanted to pick back up in Exodus, so this afternoon I sat down and created a "lectionary" for Exodus, plus continuing on in Acts as we have been, for the remainder of Ordinary Time -- in large part because I have to leave something for when I'm away in Kansas, so that's as good an impetus as any to get out of my habit of deciding where to break the text Wednesday night for a Thursday morning service.  (Though it just now occurred to me that I picked up after the last Exodus reading in the lectionary we were using in Lent, not noticing that that was a Saturday so "we" never read it.  Sigh.  The "lectionary" I have crafted ends nicely, so I may just leave it.)

I got to CWM an hour early today for Finance Committee meeting.  Which went well.

Lisa's away July 18 and 25.  Apparently like half our church leadership is away the 25th.  I offered to preach.  (Lisa expressed surprise in a way that made me think, "No one's told you that I had a period of writing weekly sermons in my free time, have they?")  No, I haven't looked at the lectionary yet.

While we were setting up for service, Lisa asked Annie if she would help lead worship, and apologized for the short notice.  I said that for future, if she (Lisa) needs help with anything...  And so she asked me if I would help lead worship next Sunday.  (Annie also asked me to do the Scripture reading for tonight -- or possibly assumed I was doing it, since the printout was on the floor near my chair, but whichever, I was happy to do it.)

I've been feeling mentally fatigued in recent weeks, which I am primarily blaming on the heat, and it's been frustrating to me that I haven't felt up to doing various things I want to do, so it's been nice to not have that be perpetual.

Wednesday

We were prepping the Elements in the kitchen (the chalices and patten were still in the dish drainer from last week) when Kerrie came in.

She hadn't realized we were prepping for service, and she decided to stay for service (she's never been to Rest and Bread in the nearly two years it's been going on).  But she still wanted some wine now.  I said, "You can pre-party with Jesus."
Somehow vodka came up.
Keith said, mock-defensively, "Potatoes were very important to Celtic Christianity."
me: "So vodka and potatoes instead of wine and bread for Communion, huh?  Well when we talk about what if any changes we want to make to the Rest and Bread service, we can take that under consideration."

The Sacred Text reading was Luke 5:1-11.
I thought, "That's an Epiphany reading!  I remember Tiffany's sermon on that!"

Keith did the Reflection.  He talked about how this passage mirrored this past Sunday's Gospel passage.
He said that this Sunday the disciples go back to fishing -- we don't know if they've gone back to it as a way of life or if they just needed something to eat.
Again, they're catching nothing, and again Jesus shows up, and then they catch abundantly.
Keith talked about faithful living and faithful transition (this was the theme of his Reflection).
quote: "perhaps with some denial before the actual transition"
He reminded us that we will build on the beautiful and faithful life we lived before.
Jesus tells the first disciples that no longer will they fish for fish but rather they will fish among humankind -- keeping the metaphor.
His question for us to reflect on: what have you learned from your faithful living that will help you with your next faithful transition?
Marlin talked about how his father's mind is going: last time he went to see him, his father was living in 1968 -- and he said that that's not a bad time for his father to be, a time when his ministry and his family were both young and growing.  And he said that he hopes that he lives his own life such that if someday down the road he finds himself living certain times again, it will be a good life to be returning to.
Maria talked about actively having faith -- something she, like me, is bad at (e.g., it's easy to say I trust God, but when push comes to shove, I need to find a job, or whatever).

I had no idea how I was going to tie any of this to the Call to Confession (I've taken to extemping a thematic connection), but when I started I found words.  I said we acknowledge those times when we have failed to live faithfully, not to wallow in the guilt but to move back to the path of faithful living, returning always to a God who is always welcoming us back.

Our closing hymn continues to be "Christ the Lord is Risen Today" ('cause it is Eastertide), and wow it's loud in that chapel with 11 people singing.  (I think we had about half that number last week.)

***

despite the 3:24pm timestamp, I still hadn't seen this by the time I went to bed ~9pm last night (Yahoo!Mail being wonky, I suspect):

[FirstChurch Mailing List] Rest and Bread tonight, then Council...

Dear Beloved,

We have our beautiful service of Rest and Bread this evening at 6:30. Keith will reflect, Elizabeth will help help us name what distracts us from rising, Tara will play and help us sing. Come share silence with us from 6:15-6:30. Our service of prayer and communion goes from 6:30-7:10.

Just after, our Church Council will meet. Do you ever wonder how things get done around here, how decisions get made? Come and see, come and be a part of the process. All are welcome. Ian, as Moderator, leads the meeting.

We'll be glad to see you tonight.

Love,
Laura Ruth

---

Thursday

morning prayer lectionary:
Esther 2:12-18
Acts 2:1-21

FCS-Ian commented on the fact that Esther spent a year (at a spa, it sounds like) preparing.  I was like, "Yeah, I know!  I had forgotten that!"
He also commented on the fact that he keeps expecting big things from Esther, since she has a book named after her and all, but she hasn't done anything heroic yet.  (He didn't say this as a criticism -- he said it partly as a statement of continuing anticipation and partly as a neutral/positive reflection.)
I (silently) recalled Tiffany's (frequent) invocation of "for just such a time as this" (which I assume must have been in her Esther sermon, unless she preached more than one Esther sermon) and thought about how God consistently chooses unlikely people and how yeah, sometimes we may end up in places not realizing what lies ahead of us, and we might find ourselves in situations thinking we are in no way equipped, but God is with us and God will be faithful.

***

I have a tendency to take lunch at my desk -- hi I am a control-freak workaholic.  But today I made a conscious decision to eat lunch outside in the sunshine (and work on my sermon).  \o/

Scattered thunderstorms were predicted, but it was a bright sunny warm day to have lunch outside.  Shortly before my workday ended, I heard thunder and looked out the window and hey, rain.  Which was even more like a summer thunderstorm because when I left the office less than a half an hour later it had stopped.  And it was still hoodie-wrapped-around-my-waist temperatures.

***

It was so nice out I almost didn't want to go inside a cafe for Laura Ruth's open office hours.

Significantly way through the time I'd been hanging out at her table (Al and Cindy and later Kathy were also there), she asked me, "How are you?" and I said, "I'm better than I was earlier this week," and I got instant concerned-face -- which actually threw me (I think because I'd sort of wanted to tell her last night and hadn't really had opportunity to -- before service, she asked me and Keith collectively how we were, and Keith answered and we got off on various topics, and it's hard for me to bring up an amorphous poor mood because there isn't anything specific to say about it or to ask for).

I said I'd been grumpy over the weekend and that I suspected some of that was grieving -- "I had lunch with you on Friday, and that was lovely, but it was also wrapping things up because you're leaving" -- and on Monday I was cranky and each day I had a new word for how I was feeling, but I wasn't quite sure why I was feeling, and this morning when I left my house and felt kinda like I wanted to cry I thought, "Okay, so it's grief?"  I also said it might be hormonal.  She talked about menstrual amnesia.  I feel like I don't necessarily get emotionally wonky around my cycle -- but my cycle is also so irregular that I dunno.  But the fact that tonight I feel like all this grump and cranky has been lifted from me does lend credence to the hormonal thing.  (Also, heh, look at me up past my bedtime and still energized -- as opposed to last night when I was tired like when I got home from church; and I did go to bed in time to get 8 hours of sleep last night even with getting up at 5:30am for morning prayer this morning.)

+

When we wrapped ~7 tonight, Laura Ruth offered to drive me home (possibly in part because of the light rain), and I said yes (hello maximizing time before she leaves).
We passed CAUMC with all its scaffolding and I said I keep forgetting to ask Sean what's up with that and I said I wondered if it was part of the Terms of Sale or something.  I said the building sale was finalized, and she expressed surprise, and I talked about that a little and I said that meant we definitely had to be living somewhere else come July 1, which would also be when we started with our new pastor, and, "Do you care who our new pastor is?  Do you know who our new pastor is?"
She said, "Yeah, I know, Nizzi..." and I said, "No, she's our interim appointment.  We found out who our new pastor effective July 1 is."  I said that when I had lifted up as Joy in Prayers of the People last night, that's what I was talking about.  I said I was surprised she hadn't asked me who our new pastor was -- I mean, I know she's leaving Somerville and so it's not directly relevant to her, but still.  She said she thought I was saying that Nizzi was finally coming and she was like, "I thought she'd already been here but okay."

So I told her who our new appointment is.  She busted out in excitement.  She said that was so "fucking" great.  I was really pleased at her excitement.  And glad that I got to tell her, and tell her in a context where she could be overflowing with excitement.

We both recalled the story LR told me one of the Thursdays before Holy Week about Lisa facebook messaging her to say, "I hear you're leaving Somerville..." and Lisa said Marla had told her, and LR was like, "Who's Marla?" and I told her Marla's one of the lay leaders at CWM but I didn't know how she knew though I guess I had raised it up at prayertime or something.  Yes, this story is literally one of the first things I thought of when Rob announced Lisa's appointment on Sunday.

I told her most of the stuff I said in that first block of text in my LJ post -- about Lisa and Annie and Nizzi, about transition and relationship and etc.  She said she thinks I'm good at building relationships -- that she's seen me do it.

+

During office hours, she said she's cried twice today because of saying goodbye to people.

Before service last night, she was like dancing excited -- "I got a job!"  Tonight she said she doesn't really feel yet that she's going [to somewhere] -- that she's keenly aware that she's leaving [here/us].  I'm glad that she has three weeks in between ending at First Church and starting at Hope Central.  She said early on tonight that she was really only starting to get her wits back about her yesterday and today.  The weekend was just so intense.  She wrote so many sermons for Sunday and none of them worked and Sunday morning she had three sentences and that's what she preached off of and that was so scary.  And there were so many meetings on Sunday.  And they voted on her unanimously.

She said she had lunch with First Churchers in JP today.  I love how many different specific and general venues for saying goodbye FCS has.  (LR's last re/New is this Sunday, and folks are going out for a beer afterward.  The Saturday night before her last Sunday, there's some sort of party at the church -- there was to be a meeting about this after church last Sunday, but I was at Scott's birthday brunch.)

Somewhere else in conversation, she asked me if I'd gotten the invitation to the queer women of First Church event tomorrow night and I was like, "Uh ... no?"  So she forwarded it to me.  Touro Ave. in Medford.  Which is totes walkable from my place.  \o/

+

Oh, and LR said something she learned in Al-Anon is that "dreading is a form of control."

(1) Last morning prayer service of Lent.  We read Mark 15.  During the Reflection, Molly commented on the fact that even those being crucified right alongside Jesus join the crowd in mocking Jesus -- "their last minutes and they just want to get in on the joke."  Given my recent readings, I said, "I wonder if they were some of the people who were disappointed in Jesus -- who had hoped that Jesus would be the One who would come and save them."

(2)

Our Good Friday vigil starts at 7a with morning prayer in the chapel, and moves upstairs at 7:30a, where we'll have prayer stations set up, and someone available at all times to pray with you, if you like. You may come and go throughout the day. Every hour on the hour, we'll chant, hear a collect, a reading. At 2:15p, you can come listen to Macmillan's Seven Last Words from the Cross--haunting, awful, awe-full. At 3p, the hour when Jesus died, a short service with song and prayer. Vigil continues through 6p. You can come put prayers in our wailing wall, made by Michael Stenner, you can kneel before the cross, write confessions in water on a board and watch them evaporate, pray in the Garden of Gethsemane, by running water.

It was really sunny and warm today, which was lovely for eating lunch outside, but made for some cognitive dissonance for a 3pm Good Friday service [edit: heh].  I walked in ~2:10pm (I hadn't read Molly's email thoroughly or I would have aimed to be there at 2:00) and James kinda waved at me and the windows don't have curtains and I wanted to take off my shoes and kneel in front of the cross but it felt too public, too exposed.  Someone was kneeling in front of the wailing wall (which was like a corkboard or something put up on the wall, with strips of black -- and some red -- cloth covering it and some newspaper stories tacked onto it and materials for writing up and adding your own laments), so I went over there and sat down kind of to the side a bit (I realized kneeling would be uncomfortable, so I sat with my knees pulled up to my chest).  After a while I was feeling a little dizzy, so I moved to lean against a pew.  And eventually I laid down on my stomach (I was between a column of pews and a wall, away from everyone else).  My mind wandered a lot (as it does, when I try to be in prayer), but I was glad to have taken ~45 consecutive minutes of attempting to be in prayer.

I hadn't thought to pick up a bulletin when I walked in, which wasn't really an issue for the 3pm service except for the fact that I don't know the Apostle's Creed by memory much at all.

We closed with singing, "Were You There When They Crucified My Lord," but the most striking moment of the whole service for me at least was when Molly was reading the story in Matthew, someone up front (at the appropriate moment) actually rent a piece of cloth -- which is a really jarring sound.

(3) Tallessyn led a ~Taize service of Tenebrae at CWM tonight.

We didn't do a "last words" service exactly (see below), but we did make a nice arc through the end of Jesus' (human) life, I think.

Tallessyn said that she hoped that by making the service very simple, it would help us to think about those people today who suffer and face what Jesus suffered and faced.

The first thing that had struck me when I had walked into the worship room was that the cross was draped in black mesh, like a widow's veil.  After hearing what Tallessyn said, I thought of how if the Cross is wearing a widow's veil, then it is Christ who is in mourning, who is mourning the brokenness of Her Body: the Church.  [Edit: I meant Christ's Bride, the Church -- this is what I get for writing when tired.]

[Luke 22:42] If it is possible, take this cup away from me.
[Matthew 26:40, 41b] Could you not stay awake with me one hour?  The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is week.
[Matthew 27:46] My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? (read by 7-year-old Telynia)
[Luke 23:43] Truly I tell you, today you will be with me in Paradise.
[John 19:30] It is finished. (read by 5-year-old Leyalyn)

In the intro, Tallessyn said that we were invited to leave in silence at the end, and that there were consecrated elements by the door if we wanted to take Communion as we left.  There was a candle next to them, which I thought was a really nice touch (it works on levels!).

After the service was ended, I sat in the dark for, I dunno, five minutes?  At one point, to help keep my mind from wandering, I just listed names of people I am praying for, rather than doing the, "I pray thus-and-such for them."  I wasn't sure when to leave and I started focusing on my breathing more and thinking, "Well I can stay just a few more moments," which reminded me of cardio workout days when it's a struggle to get through the forty-five minutes on the treadmill and I'm watching the seconds pass on the timer and it had never occurred to me that that kind of discipline could aid this kind of discipline, and it also occurred to me that there is a certain discipline to just sitting, even if my mind is wandering and I'm not actually being prayerful for a lot of it, that being able to just sit in silence for extended periods of time is an important step.

FCS-Ian added a whole bunch of hymns to the rotation for Lenten morning prayer service, which I was stoked about. Peter (husband of Rev.Molly, so has been at First Church UCC for over 7 years and probably in the UCC for longer, but grew up Episcopalian) mentioned that he didn't know some of the ones that had been added. I was surprised because I'd thumbed through and had been stoked that I knew all of them (in contrast to hymn selections there often). So FCS-Ian and I sang through the ones that Peter (and/or Althea) didn't know. "Oh Sacred Head Now Wounded" I realized I was sight-reading, but I "knew" it sufficient that when I saw it in the folder I was like, "Seriously?!"

So we got to talking about Good Friday hymns/theology. (Yes, I was ~10 minutes late to work because I was in the church kitchen consuming !Communion bread and grape juice and arguing discussing theology.)

As we wrapped up the conversation so that we could all get to work, Peter said to me: "You have a very full Protestant theology, is what it boils down to." (Whereas I had been thinking that I was so echoing CWM/Borg&co. when I was talking about an emphasis on Easter rather than an emphasis on Good Friday, and Jesus' death being as a result of undermining the domination system rather than a requirement for us to be reconciled to God, etc. -- but on later reflection, I think part of what he was reacting to was what I said I hear when I hear hymns like "The Old Rugged Cross.")

During lunchtime phonecall today, I told Ari briefly about my morning, and of course I mentioned "The Old Rugged Cross," because even though I block it out such that I couldn't actually sing it for you from memory if I tried, it's totally my go-to example for classic blood atonement theology hymn (which is maybe unfair of me). She has a lot of positive associations with the hymn, but she has problems with the parts like "exchange it some day for a crown," and so we got talking about kingdom language/theology.

I've recently started reading Borg and Crossan's The Last Week: A Day-by-Day Account of Jesus's Final Week in Jerusalem (for CHPC adult ed), and so I talked some about what I learned from the first chapter of that book about Jerusalem and the Temple in Jesus' time and the peasants who were Jesus' audience.

I knew from other books that Borg purposely uses "kingdom," knowing that many of his progressive compatriots dislike it. In one paragraph in The Last Week, the authors pointedly state that Jesus used the term "kingdom of God" on purpose -- that "Jesus could have spoken of the family of God, the community of God, or the people of God, but, according to Mark, [Jesus] spoke of the kingdom of God" (p. 25, emphasis in original) specifically because it was a political as well as a religious metaphor: "To [Jesus'] hearers, it would have suggested a kingdom very different from the kingdoms they knew, very different from the domination systems that ruled their lives" (p. 25).

I said that I understand this but that I don't think it necessarily makes a strong case for us continuing to use kingdom language, because we don't hear that tension when we hear "kingdom." I said that we (middle-class white folks) hear "kingdom" and think happy shiny King Arthur.

Ari recommended that I read Horsley's Jesus and Empire: The Kingdom of God and the New World Disorder.

After she got back to her desk, she emailed me: "We should do a book study together. You know, since we have so many silent hours together that we need to fill." ♥

Thursday lectionary for the week before Transfiguration Sunday (descriptions from my RCL book):
Deuteronomy 9:1-5 (God's oath to Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob)
Acts 3:11-16 (Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob's God glorifies Jesus)

FCS-Ian commented about in the Deuteronomy passage how it's not about us but about a bigger picture -- and talked about reframing our experiences as not being like, "Oh, this bad thing happened to me," but maybe, "This good thing needed to happen to someone else."  I think that's stretching the text a bit -- since God in the text is very punitively punishing -- and I don't necessarily even believe God works that way, but I did appreciate the idea about reframing by focusing on the bigger picture -- not focusing (just) on our own experience but looking at the larger context within which that experience is happening.
I commented on how both passages say "It's not about y/our righteousness but about God," but in very different ways.

The hymn was "We have come at Christ's own bidding," which FCS-Ian loves but which feels out of place to sing most of the time.  The song wasn't all that familiar to me, but the tune felt really familiar, though looking it up in the Index (HYFRYDOL) the other listed songs didn't seem all that familiar to me (though I didn't look at them very thoroughly).

***

After work on Thursday I did assorted errands then settled at Blue Shirt for Laura Ruth's open office hours.  James and Al were there, and Kathy and Jeff joined later.

~6:15, Allie txt msgd me: "You're probably busy tonight, but I figure it can't hurt to ask? :)"  I wasn't in love with the conversations/interactions going on at Blue Shirt, and I hadn't seen Allie in much too long, so we met up at Mr. Crepe around 6:30.

She had an elsewhere to be at 7:20 (so we made plans to make plans for Monday -- yay holiday).  I knew folks were meeting in Blue Shirt at 7pm to finalize plans for the Feb 21 re/new --- "Remember Thou Art Earth: Lenten Reflections on Earth and Spirituality" -- so I headed back to Blue Shirt.  (Laura Ruth was like, "You came back.")  Laura Ruth, Kathy, Jeff, and Tara were there (and Kim at the beginning? she recalls, having told Ari about someone sharing with me a theological problem with the line "none other has ever known" in "In The Garden").

One of the songs we talked about using was "She Comes Sailing on the Wind."  Tara was having difficulty with the like surprise fifth verse in Sing! Prayer and Praise.  I said my biggest complaint with Sing! Prayer and Praise is that I often find it really hard to follow along.  I was like, "I could send you a photocopy from The Faith We Sing [the United Methodist hymnal supplement]."

Brainstorming for a closing song, I thought of "The Trees of the Field" ('cause of Convo).  But no one else knew it, and I really couldn't sing it (though I swear it is really easy to learn).

Congregational Hymns and Songs Listed by Year of Copyright or Composition
[1985] She Comes Sailing on the Wind (Gordon Light, TFWS 2122)
[1975] The Trees of the Field (Steffi Geiser Ruben, Stuart Dauermann, TFWS 2279)

Yeah, I really need to obtain myself a copy of TFWS.  (And start bringing it to re/New planning meetings.  I would totes get an e-reader if I could use it to carry around things like The Revised Common Lectionary, The Inclusive Bible, assorted hymnals....)

My non-Christian roommate's response to the story about maybe including Joni Mitchell's "Big Yellow Taxi" in the service: "That song has no business being in church.  It's the least hopeful song ever."  [She says Richard Thompson's "1952 Vincent Black Lightning" is the "most depressing" song ever.]

We talked about the fact that most of the songs for this upcoming service were from Sing! Prayer and Praise -- because Jeff doesn't want to have too many books and photocopies floating around in any given service.

Laura Ruth said Jeff had done the "Herculean" work of putting together a book of songs for his kids at Tufts and it's "dog's work."  I was like, "But then you have a book of all the songs you like!  Tara, remember at the retreat when you were talking about being a hymnal junkie.  I would totally collect hymnals so that then I could have all the hymns I like."
Tara: "Oh, so you'd be collecting hymns, not hymnals."
me: "Yeah -- I mean, I would be collecting hymnals, but it would only be as a means to an end."
me (turns to Laura Ruth): "I told this story to Tiffany and was like, 'Worship planning?  Since when do I do that?' and she said, 'At your ordination, I'm just going to say "I told you so," that's all.'"
Laura Ruth: [looks at me over her glasses in a sort of pointed "I'm not saying anything" kind of way]

We actually didn't wrap the meeting until almost 9pm.  Laura Ruth offered to drive people home and I said, "Would it make you feel better to drive me home?" and she said, "No, it wouldn't make me feel better," but she ended up driving me home anyway, because she was driving Jeff and Jeff was asking if it was a good idea that he'd listed in print all of his song ideas (anchoring: good idea/bad idea?) and I said I was really glad to have something concrete to start with and our end list included a bunch of stuff not on his list, so it didn't seem to impede brainstorming or anything -- and we were walking to where Laura Ruth was parked, which was just about the opposite direction of where I live, so yeah, ride home.

They reminisced about HDS some, and I said that I'd heard that it doesn't do a good job of preparing you to be a pastor, and I said most of our CHPC interns came from HDS (in contrast to CWM, where they most come from BU STH), and I talked a little about my conflicted feelings about CHPC [clarification: I'm not saying I think CHPC's interns would make bad pastors] -- mind, I was responding to questions for most of this, was speaking with great energy but I didn't feel monologuing.  Somewhere in this, I said to Laura Ruth, "You're gonna get really practiced at giving me that look, aren't you?"
Laura Ruth: "What look?"
me: "That look of: No, you're not called to ministry at all."
Laura Ruth: "That wasn't what was going on in my head at all.  What was going on in my head was: I just marvel at how many words you have."
I bit my fist in a sort of blushing way.

***

My facebook status this morning: "Elizabeth has become someone who collects hymnals. Who knew the United Methodist Hymnal came in various color options? Decisions, decisions. (Though I think the purple is too great a temptation for me to get it in any other color.)"

CAUMC-Andrew commented: "I like my purple UMH. If you start collecting non-UMHs, two of my favorites are the Brethren hymnal and the Society of Friend's hymnal."

(Possibly I should actually clean out my bedroom before I acquire an entire new bookshelf of books.)

Jeremy commented: I have a purple UMH too...swanky!
Sharon: CWM should try to find pink and lavender :)
Tiffany: Check out the Australian hymnals too...they are fabulous! There is a list of the hymnals here: http://lectionarysong.blogspot.com/2010/01/song-and-hymns-for-transfiguration.html
Carolyn: I want a purple hymnal!
my mom: I have a couple -- maybe I should pass them on :)

So, my current to-purchase list:
Sing The Faith: New Hymns For Presbyterians (2003)
United Methodist Hymnal (Pew, Purple)
The Faith We Sing (Pew Edition with Cross and Flame)
Zion Still Sings! For Every Generation (Pew Edition, 2007)
[Edit: and Songs of Zion]
Sing! Prayer and Praise
The New Century Hymnal
the lingonberry-/cranberry-colored ELCA hymnal

Edit: Wikipedia: List of hymnals (hat-tip: Ari)

This morning's lectionary readings were:

2 Chronicles 34:1-7
Acts 10:44-48

FCS-Ian commented on the juxtaposition of the 2 texts -- the one about forcing other religions out and the other about inviting them in.  "Forcing them in," Tim D. commented -- "The circumcised weren't very happy about it."

Someone asked why Josiah became king at age 8, and I glanced at the preceding sections and said the previous king had done evil and been assassinated.  FCS-Ian commented about how boiled down these stories we get are -- that all we hear about Josiah's reign is that he destroyed all the temples of the idols, and for his father we hear even less, just that he did evil and was assassinated.  He wondered what one would say about his life if one were to so boil it down.

***

There were flurries of snow throughout the day today.  They kept quieting down when I went outside, which was disappointing to me.  But I walked outside returning from bringing the speaker to the seminar, and it was snowing big flakes :)

I was looking forward to walking home in the snow, but it had stopped by the time I left work.  Around 6 it finally started snowing again -- and quickly began snowing in earnest.  6:15 it had stopped.  *shrug*

***

I spent close to 2 hours with Pastor Tiffany at Mr. Crepe tonight.  Pastoral care and vocational discernment, and I am going to bed instead of writing about it right now, but I feel really good.

The daily lectionary readings last Thursday morning were:
Daniel 2:1-19
and
Ephesians 4:17-5:1

Joan read the Daniel and I read the Ephesians.  As I began the Ephesians reading, I was struck by how it connected to the Daniel reading (well done, lectionary crafters!) -- the nonbelievers do not have understanding, but those who follow God do.

FCS-Ian said that the Ephesians reading reminded him that it's a process, rather than just a single moment at baptism or whatever.  I said yeah, as I read it I was reminded of themes in my sermon, because these are the daily lectionaries leading up to that Sunday :)

I said that I forget sometimes what hard things we are called to do.  I said, "I'm not sure I want to commit to that."  (I thought of lashon hara.)

Joan(?) said, "Lots of people don't commit to that."  Which was really not what I was going for.  (I felt like what she was getting at was, "Lots of people call themselves Christians and don't even try to live into being the good people that Jesus commands us to be," whereas I was trying to talk about us and not about Them -- because it's so easy to be judgmental of Other People and so easy to let ourselves off the hook.)

I forget what I said in response, but Joan said, "I think we can't do that.  And that's why we feel guilty all the time."

I thought of the fact that I do the Call to Confession at Rest and Bread every week and how I've been thinking that I would like to make more explicit that in acknowledging and turning back to God, we let go of the sins we are confessing, we let go of the guilt.

What I said was, "I know that we can't perfect it in this life, but it's what we're called to do."

²²You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; ²³to be made new in the attitude of your minds; ²⁴and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.

²⁵Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body. ²⁶"In your anger do not sin"^{[Psalm 4:4]}: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, ²⁷and do not give the devil a foothold. ²⁸You who have been stealing must steal no longer, but must work, doing something useful with your own hands, that you may have something to share with those in need.

²⁹Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. ³⁰And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. ³¹Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. ³²Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

¹Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children

Those are some strong demands (and I also love the closing line of this lectionary passage -- esp. 'cause, leading up to Baptism of Jesus Sunday).

+

We talked afterwards about the fact that I was going to be preaching, and I said I was mostly excited about preaching -- that I don't like standing up in front of people, though I'll sit down and argue with the person who's standing up.

Joan said that when she was at Lesley, there was a big emphasis on cooperative learning sort of stuff and that she insisted that teachers have power (as do students) and they need to step into that and own it, because if you don't acknowledge it then it gets corrupted.  I immediately made the analogy to privilege -- that acknowledging your privilege is the first step.
I also agreed that I think it'll be a good experience for me to stand up in front of people like that.

***

Later, I was catching up on Magpie Girl posts and read "Epiphany: Fairies, Snowballs of Honor, and Finding Your Star."

It is silent and still as “snow, on snow, on snow”  comes down. Cate and I are bundled up to our noses against the cold, but happy in the oasis that is the walled garden near our urban home.

“Can we visit the Fairy Tree?,” asks Cate.

“Of course!” I reply.

“Oh good, I want to give the Fairies the Snowball of Honor.” says Cate.

When we get to the tree, Cate leaves her snowball in a hollow as an offering.

“Hey Cate,” I say, “tomorrow is Epiphany and we get to find the name of the star we will follow for the year. Want to ask the Fairies what the name of your star will be?” She nods. She closes her eyes and holds out her hand it it’s puffy pink glove. I say, “Imagine that the Fairies are carrying a word to you. They are swirling around you like the snow flakes. And now, they are putting the word in your hand.”  I touch her open palm with one finger. “Open you eyes! ”

The second her eyes open, the word is on her tongue.

I was reminded of the Dreamboard idea.

Other posts: "*8Things: To Stop Doing in 2010" (more for the idea of the title than for MG's list itself) and "Fear — How to Break Up with the Bastard" (after the "{dear fear}" post on another blog).

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Emily K.'s facebook statuses are usually Bible verses or other Christian "inspirational" messages, which don't always map onto my theology.  But last Wednesday's was: "Moses answered the terrified people, "Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the LORD will bring you today...The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still" (Exodus 14:13)

***

Thursday night was CAUMC small group.  It was me and Sean and Seth.

Sean had two readings -- one from Intimacy: Pursuing Love and one from Hospitality: Risking Welcome.

They were really really good readings, and in the interest of ever getting this post up I'm not going to attempt to retype blocks of text.  But the Intimacy one talked about church as "a place where friends met regularly to tell their stories, share their joys, and bear one another's burdens" (p. 32) and the Hospitality one talked about L'Arche and about how this guy single-handedly prepared a big meal and later realized that by refusing to accept help from anyone, he was signaling that "The quality of the meal---a reflection of my culinary skills---was more important to me than the experience of community" (p. 22).

I borrowed the books from Sean and read them on Saturday.  The one other really powerful story from the Intimacy book was about this congregation which contains a lot of recovering/struggling addicts (who lift up their personal prayer concerns very openly and honestly) and members of a wealthy well-to-do mission partner church were visiting and during prayer time one of the visitors said, "I want to ask this church to pray for me.  I've never said this out loud in any church; but I just can't stop drinking, and it's about to ruin my marriage and my family.  I need your help."  I about cried reading that.  Have I mentioned how bad I am at asking for prayers for myself?  (I told Ian that near the end of Friday's session, the therapist said that one of the things that struck her most was my strong desire that other people think I'm "fine," and in his reply he commented that, "I think we both know you like being seen as uber-competent and in control," which is TRUFAC.)

The L'Arche story in the Hospitality book continued:

Can we set aside our own need to prove ourselves useful and generous in order to listen carefully, to welcome the offering, to appreciate and honor the gifts of other communities, especially the gifts of those we have come to serve?  Can we receive their hospitality?

Can we?  It's an important question, because receiving hospitality is what God does.  In the incarnation, God in Christ entered a particular home, a particular neighborhood, a particular time and place in history.  Jesus went (and still goes) in search of welcome, stepping into people's homes, asking to dine with them, calling ordinary and marginalized people down from treetops so he could join them in their homes for supper.  Being fed at our table, sleeping in our guest room, receiving a cup of tea in our chipped cup, being invited into our lives to listen as well as to speak--all these are sacred acts of Jesus Christ.

For us to become Christ-like is to enter into the holy act of receiving hospitality from the world.  From strangers.  [...]  Even from our enemies.  Receiving hospitality is a sacred risk and a godly adventure.

As you take the risk of hospitality, remember that God is with you.  God. who took this same risk, is with you.  [...]  As you accept hospitality  in unexpected places, God is there.  And God calls us to be there, too.

(pp. 25-26)

Writing this up, I'm reminded of a bit from Loving Jesus by Mark Allan Powell (which full writeup I still need to make):

I ask my seminary students how many of them are prepared to devote their lives to serving the Lord.  Every hand goes up.  Then I read them Mark 10:45  where Jesus says, "The Son of Man came not to be served but to serve."  Jesus says he doesn't want you to serve him, I declare.  He says that he wants to serve you.  I'm messing with their minds, of course.  There are plenty of Bible verses that do exhort us to serve the Lord (for example, Matthew 4:10 and 6:24), but seminarians are often more keen on serving than on being served.  So are pastors.  So are many of us.  Peter would have gladly washed the feet of Jesus, but he didn't want to let Jesus wash his feet (John 13:6-8).

-pp. 177-8

The Hospitality book invokes those who sheltered Jews during the Holocaust, the Underground Railroad, and those aiding "illegal" Mexican immigrants in the USA.

And from my notes on Loving Jesus:

"I offer the following proposition: The mission of the church is to love Jesus Christ; everything else is just strategy" (p. 178).

"Jesus doesn't just want his sheep to be fed; he wants his sheep to be fed by someone who loves him" (p. 178, re: the John 21:15-17 story of "Simon Peter, do you love me? ... Feed my sheep.").

"A more biblical model may describe the external mission of the church as being to love God (through worship) and to love neighbor (through service)" (p. 179).

The readings this morning were

Isaiah 9:2-7
Luke 2:15-20

FCS-Ian said that he's struck by the image of the little baby in the Isaiah passage, in contrast to all the stuff about warriors, garments drenched in blood and all that. I said, "but the garments drenched in blood will be fuel for the fire -- war is over."

Ian, his dad, Tim D., and I, went to breakfast at The Broken Yolk.

I had almost nothing to do at work, so I caught up on YouTube embeds on "when loves come to town" blog. One was U2 doing "I Believe in Father Christmas." [blogpost, YouTube, lyrics]

One line is "Hallelujah Noel, be it Heaven or Hell, the Christmas you we get you we deserve." I expected the song to go on and undermine that line, but it turns out to be the last line.

I, of course, have problems with that. There are people who are grieving, and the deaths of their loved ones are not their fault, and grief isn't something you can just turn off at will.

In her Reflection last night, Laura Ruth talked about how one thing that helps her in the Christmas season is the reminder that we do this every year -- that she doesn't have to wholly "get it right" this time.

As I was nearing my house around ten past two this afternoon, birds were twittering and stuff was melted and it felt rather like spring (weather.com said 37F *shrug*), which felt somewhat fitting. (It got cold once the sun had set, though.)

On the Senate passing the health care bill, Megan McArdle said:

I'm not sure how much more point there is in talking about it until the legislative particulars emerge from the final bill. At this point, pretty much everyone is exhausted--the politicians, the CBO analysts, and the journalists who cover it. I assume y'all are too.

So go have a merry Christmas. Whatever you think of this bill, things will still be better than they ever have been in all of human history whether or not it passes. So go out and sample some peace on earth and goodwill to men for a few days. After the holiday, we can all get back to shouting at each other.

I was unimpressed by CHPC's Christmas Eve service. I did like that in the Prayer, Karl said, "In this season of excess, we remember all who are empty." And I also liked the Affirmation of Faith:

I believe in Jesus Christ and in the beauty of the gospel begun in Bethlehem.

I believe in the one whose spirit glorified a little town; and whose spirit still brings music to persons all over the world in towns large and small.

I believe in the one for whom the crowded inn could find no room, and I confess that my heart still sometimes wants to exclude Christ and others from my life today.

I believe in the one who the rulers of the earth ignored and the proud could never understand; whose life was among the common people, whose welcome came from persons of hungry hearts.

I believe in the one who proclaimed the love of God to be invincible.

I believe in the one whose cradle was a mother's arms and who by love brought sinners back to life, and lifted human weakness up to meet the strength of God.

I confess our ever-lasting need of God, the need of new life for empty souls, the need of love for hearts grown cold.

I believe in Jesus, the beloved child of the living God, born in Bethlehem this night, for me and for the world.

(Walter Russell Bowie, adapted)

[NGL, I almost got choked up at that last bit.]

UCN's Christmas Eve service was, basically, the same one it is every year (see tag/previous year's entries). CHPC uses The New Century Hymnal (to Karl's disgruntlement) and tonight I kept feeling really thrown by the slightly changed lyrics (and it's not all gender -- "O Little Town of Bethlehem" has "No one discerns God's coming..." instead of the ableist "No ear may hear His coming...") because I was instinctively singing the traditional words, even all the "O come let us adore Him," without even registering them as male-default/hierarchical; but then I was at UCN (whose hymnal has all the traditional words) and noticed all the male etc. language and wasn't pleased about singing the traditional versions.

CHPC didn't dim the sanctuary at all, and UCN was dim but then we raised the lights on the front part so Pastor Bill could read everything (he's in a wheelchair, so he was down at the Communion table rather than up in a pulpit which would have its own light) and didn't ever dim them again. Lessens the effect of the candlelit "Silent Night" a bit. Sigh.

Scott emailed me tonight, Subject: "MC, QED! <eom>"
♥