burning like matchsticks in the face of the darkness

(Well, depending on what time zone you're in, you maybe have a little more time, but I believe in you.)

As people have pointed out, 2017 will likely be worse in many ways, but at least we've been warned. ("Warning: may contain fascism," I quipped tonight.)

***

Email from my friend Scott:

May your 2017 be as awesome as it is Phibonacci* -- and may your whole year be prime time.**

QED,
Scott


*That is, 2017 satisfies a Fibonacci-looking identity in terms of the Euler phi Function: phi(2017) = phi(2016) + phi(2015). The last such year was 1601, and the next is 4337.

**Also, 2017 is prime.***

***And so is 20170123456789.

Addendum: My sister-in-law posted her Instagram #2016bestnine, and of course most of them relate to the baby, and thinking about this baby growing up I wonder if that would be a helpful motivator for me -- to remind myself that I want to help build a better world for hir.

Every year I repost this from Amy:

One of the big pieces of the ten days between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur is that you reflect over the past year, and you attempt to (A) accept and forgive anything that has been done to you, and (B) apologize and ask forgiveness for anything you have done to others.

[...]

Anonymous is enabled, and all comments are screened. If I've done anything to hurt you this year, let me know. If there's anything you think I might still be upset over, let me know that too. I won't unscreen unless you specifically request I do [...] The goal isn't to start fresh- that's often not possible- but to acknowledge what has happened over this year (or any previous time, if you so choose) as an attempt to not have it happen again.

I promise to treat anything you say seriously and respectfully, and I will seriously be considering it over the next ten days.

Before meditation tonight [at First Church Cambridge], I made a couple suggestions of ways to make it more welcoming to newbies and Kate L. made note of them.

I said I felt like my first time at Rest and Bread, when I was the only person not from FCS and Laura Ruth asked me how I'd liked it and I said I liked it but I had a few suggestions.

Kate L. pointed out that I only started coming a few weeks after they started having this, so we're all new.

( digression on being That Girl )

[Subject line is from the Thomas Merton poem Kate L. read tonight.]

***

Scott emailed:

Subject: Shanah tova, QED!

May you have a sweet 5774, QED!*

Scott


*Note that 5774 is a happy number -- its trajectory under iteration of
the "sum of squares of digits" eventually reaches 1 (see
http://oeis.org/A007770).

***

As has become my custom, reposting this from Amy:

One of the big pieces of the ten days between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur is that you reflect over the past year, and you attempt to (A) accept and forgive anything that has been done to you, and (B) apologize and ask forgiveness for anything you have done to others.

[...]

Anonymous is enabled, and all comments are screened. If I've done anything to hurt you this year, let me know. If there's anything you think I might still be upset over, let me know that too. I won't unscreen unless you specifically request I do [...] The goal isn't to start fresh- that's often not possible- but to acknowledge what has happened over this year (or any previous time, if you so choose) as an attempt to not have it happen again.

I promise to treat anything you say seriously and respectfully, and I will seriously be considering it over the next ten days.

***

I browsed the "Rosh Hashanah" tag on Tumblr, and:

"Head of the Year"
Marge Piercy

The moon is dark tonight, a new
moon for a new year. It is
hollow and hungers to be full.
It is the black zero of beginning.

Now you must void yourself
of injuries, insults, incursions.
Go with empty hands to those
you have hurt and make amends.

It is not too late. It is early
and about to grow. Now
is the time to do what you
know you must and have feared
to begin. Your face is dark
too as you turn inward to face
yourself, the hidden twin of
all you must grow to be.

Forgive the dead year. Forgive
yourself. What will be wants
to push through your fingers.
The light you seek hides
in your belly. The light you
crave longs to stream from
your eyes. You are the moon
that will wax in new goodness.

And from "New Year’s Day" by Kim Addonizio:

I only want to walk
a little longer in the cold

blessing of the rain,
and lift my face to it.

FCS

I was surprised that Thom W. took so long to teach us "Uyai mose (Come All You People)," as I feel really familiar with this Zimbabwean song, but maybe I know it from e.g. Convo.

Apparently we're doing a summer book series, and Molly started off with Where the Wild Things Are. (fox1013, I thought of you.)

It was Jubilee Sunday, which meant the kids were in the Sanctuary for the entirety of the service. Jubilee Sunday is not my favorite thing. Molly talked about how people have negative conceptions of Christians, but those aren't necessarily true of us ("We're not weird" -- which we all know is not true, so I hate that she used it as stand-in for "we are not weird in the negative ways that some people except us to be"; she invited people to say "I'm a Christian and [something about themselves]"; one of the new members said, "Late at night, when I'm all alone, I play the banjo in my attic;" yeah, we are totally weird).

***

I went to a Keshet event and picked up a copy of their July & August 2012 calendar, which included:

July 19

Beit Midrash - Boundary Crossing: The Story of Ruth

As queer Jews, our identity is rich and complex. What does it mean to alter our identity? Or come into our identity? How do we learn to read other boundary crossers? Take a journey through the Book of Ruth and see how the best known and most beloved pair of biblical women cross identity boundaries and struggle to be recognized.

Facilitated by Penina Weinberg, biblical scholar and member of our Community Events Committee.

Cosponsored by Havurat Shalom

6:30 pm
Havurat Shalom
113 College Avenue, Somerville
RSVP by 7/16
Free

My experience with the Hav has been that RSVP is in no way required (though I'm sure it helps them for planning purposes). Anyone interested in coming with?

+

Anyway, the event itself.

Ladin read from "The God Thing" chapter of her book.

"we are all melachim [angels] -- as if human lives were God's vocal chords"

"Sometimes we want divine room service, but usually we don't, anymore than children want to be followed around by nagging parents who are always right. So God speaks to us through the voices we so desperately want to hear -- other people's."

She talked about circumcision, about the idea (from rabbinic tradition I assume, though I didn't write it down in my notes) that male Jews recreate their bodies to reflect their true identity.

She talked about Shakespeare plays where people change clothes and people don't recognize them and fall in love with them -- said she always thought that was stupid plotting, but then she was at a conference and when she was dressed as herself, people didn't recognize her at all (they knew her as a man, so when they saw her as a woman, it was like, "I don't know a woman who looks like that, don't need to register that person at all").

A woman in front of me said she "works with kids who are born in all sorts of ways parents didn't ask for or sign up for" and mentioned a book of blessing (the name/author of which I didn't catch -- I should have asked afterward) which has the (non-gendered) blessing: "may you be who you are, and may you be blessed in who you are."

Same woman said that "welcoming GBLT...QI..." people is not an add-on but a different theology.

Ladin talked about the fact that we make assumptions about people's genders based on the initial cues we read and talked about the need for a definition of humanness that doesn't rest in gender distinctions -- so that we can respect people even when you can't make sense of their gender.

She talked about how surgery etc. for trans folk is considered medical decision. She said, "we are not allowed to know who we are -- other people have to approve that."

+

There were lots of attractive queer-looking ~women, and I am bad at initiating small-talk, and after the event proper was over and people were just mingling, I just wanted a nap (the heat of the room probably wasn't helping), so I bailed rather than attempt to socialize, but I was also thinking about how I feel sort of like an interloper in Jewish spaces. I sent Scott an email about this and he replied the next morning: "this requires in-person comment.... but the short form is DON'T PANIC!" ♥

***

"Joy Sadhana is a daily practice in the observation of joy."
-mylittleredgirl [more info]
Thus says God to these bones: "I will cause breath to enter you, and you shall live. I will lay sinews on you, and will cause flesh to come upon you, and cover you with skin, and put breath in you, and you shall live; and you shall know that I am God." (Ezekiel 37:5-6, NRSV, alt.)

( Read more... )

Following up on Wednesday, Jeff M. preached this morning. He mentioned that while we in the West talk about "Doubting Thomas," in the Eastern Church he is "Saint Thomas the Believer."

Our opening hymn was #253, so I noticed #254 on the facing page, whose first verse is: "These things did Thomas count as real: the warmth of blood, the chill of steel, The grain of wood, the heft of stone, the last frail twitch of flesh and bone." I don't much like most of the rest of the hymn ("These Things Did Thomas Count," Thomas H. Troeger) but I do like that opening verse.

Our Unison Prayer of Confession:

Holy Jesus,
We thought we had lost you
But you broke open your tomb in victory.
It fills our hearts with joy
When we are able to see it.

Forgive us, God, that the truth of Easter is so hard to accept.

We confess, Jesus that we sometimes doubt resurrection.
We see the wounds of the world and despair.
We forget that your resurrected body still bore the marks of the cross.

We confess, Jesus, that when we doubt, we feel lost.
We turn our faces away from you in shame and lock the door out of fear.
We forget that doubt is an invitation to touch you more deeply.

Forgive us, God, that it takes so much convincing for us to hope.

***

"Joy Sadhana is a daily practice in the observation of joy."
-mylittleredgirl [more info]
Jesus said, "Those who seek should not stop seeking until they find. When they find, they will be disturbed. When they are disturbed, they will marvel, and will rule over all." (The Gospel of Thomas 2:1-4)

( Read more... )

ash cross still on my forehead when I got up this morning. om nom nom hot shower, though.

Dear self: Just because you got a 1am response to a 10pm email YESTERDAY doesn't mean it's going to happen every time. There's a lot going on in the other person's life, and you raised a bunch of hard stuff that you would actually like a thoughtful response to. (I'm not actually feeling anxious at all -- I just would like a response ... and okay, there's an element of worry that my revealing that my framing is different than the other person thought might be problematic, though I have basically nothing left to lose at this point, and an interaction this afternoon indicated that really, not much has changed [which means that we are still okay].) /cryptic

Pr. Lisa and I had lunch, and although we didn't have a stated agenda (which I never feel very good about), we did cover a bunch of useful stuff, I think.

I went to the BU thing tonight, and some of the comments the panelists made were really helpful to me in giving words to the question I apparently still haven't sufficiently answered for Pr. Lisa of what is queer church/what makes it different from mainline progressive rainbow flag church?

I hadn't checked the bus schedule for coming back, so I just walked from the B-Line Harvard Ave. stop to Harvard Square proper. I called Cat and then Scott and got voicemail for both but Scott called me back almost immediately (he was on his way to the gym for Tae Kwan Do), so that was a nice bonus. While we were on our 7-minute phonecall [which actually lasted closer to 12 minutes], I passed someone who lives in the area who was like, "You're not usually here," and I was like, "Yeah, I'm coming home from an event and I'm on the phone" -- usually I'm on the phone with la bff and I'm like, "No, it's totally fine if we converse for a while while I put my phone to one side," and the other meatspace person is all apologetic about having interrupted my phone call ... but in this case I was on a time-limited phonecall with someone I'd much rather be engaging with and yet I felt like I was being perceived as almost rude because I didn't engage with the meatspace person -- but I affirm my setting boundaries/priorities.

On the Green Line out to BU, I was reminded how I can bicycle there from work so much more effectively -- though even leaving aside my residual post-accident fear, I'm disincentivized to bicycle to work these days because FCS-Ian and I have been commuting to work together after morning prayer.

Walking back meant I got to spend time with an HBS guest lecturer who was going the wrong way for the Charles Hotel. We got to the turn for the hotel right after he expressed his dislike of political correctness and I didn't have a succinct response in the moment (in part because I was unclear what was actually signified behind the signifier "political correctness").

Blah, I ordered a whole bunch of kink books off of half.com, and the first one arrived today but it's one by an author I don't think I like very much (tho I've only read one of his books) and so I don't really wanna read it.

I'm once again having that thing at work where I am juggling so much stuff that I don't stay on top of all of it. Sigh. (This week has been fairly calm, which I appreciate, but I've been lulled into a touch of lazy complacency to my detriment.)

Scott asked me if I'd be available at 10 tonight (for post-gym phonecall) and I was like, "Sleep." Course I had to get all the way home and pack for Singspiration and update the Internet -- but I am going to bed now.

***

"Joy Sadhana is a daily practice in the observation of joy."
-mylittleredgirl [more info]
"Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: you don't give up." --Anne Lamott

( Read more... )

So, the Srs Bznz gloves I bought yesterday are really 2 sets of gloves.

[weather.com] 8:45am: 5F, feels like -13F

Biking to church this morning, I wore just the one set of gloves -- though I brought the lobster gloves that go over them just in case.

Initially, my hands were fine though other parts of me got progressively colder. By the time I got to the Powder House Rotary? (more than 2/3 of the way through the ~10min commute) Yeah.

And trying to work the key to lock my bike with frozen hands? That was challenging.

During Coffee Hour, orgainst!Hugh offered me a ride home (he saw me biking on my way to church). I said I'm a very stubborn person, and he said he used to live in Minnesota and biked year round except when it was icy, so he understood.

I put on both sets of gloves for biking home, and wearing the lobster gloves definitely felt awkward.

My eyes didn't water at all coming home like they had going to church (Jenni, who was greeting with Harold, said it looked like I had frozen tears), but my ears were definitely cold.

[weather.com] 11:45am: 11F, feels like -4F

I decided I was not biking to evening church. Instead I took the earlier bus, which meant less time on the Internet at home, but I could print out the Council agenda in the upstairs office and have plenty of time to set up the worship space.

[weather.com] 3:05pm: 17F, feels like 4F

I was LJ commenting, so I got to the bus stop right around 3:27 (when the bus is scheduled to be at that stop) and I thought maybe I'd missed the bus -- but there was a woman waiting, so I figured not. I know the Sunday afternoon #96 is often late, so I gave myself until 3:40 before I'd just start walking to Davis to get the shuttle (and then backtrack across Harvard Yard ... yeah, this was not my favorite plan). After I boarded the bus I looked at its ticker and it said 3:36pm.

***

"Joy Sadhana is a daily practice in the observation of joy."
-mylittleredgirl [more info]
The people that walked in darkness have seen a great light. And they that dwell in the land of the shadow of death, upon them hath the light shined. (Isaiah 9:2, Handel's Messiah)

( Read more... )

I have thoughts about conversational styles, but attempts at articulating aren't quite working, and I'm tiring, so yeah, tabling that for the moment.

Anyway.

Some of you have heard me talk about Shoshana -- whom I met via okc a couple months ago.

On June 23, Sophia said:

if I were categorizing things according to my categories, I would say you guys are dating but not in a relationship. :-P Which I think can be a really good, healthy thing, the "I enjoy this person as a friend, and like flirting with them, and being just a little romantic with them, but a SRS RELATIONSHIP does not feel like the place this needs to progress to right now." Like friends with benefits in an emotional sense? :-P

We present in a lot of ways like we're dating, but up until recently I would have said (and did say) that I am not interested in her That Way (though she has a crush on me). And then there was the Monday holiday. Thursday morning, Scott's overall recommendation was that I needed to stop overthinking this (it is one of my mundane gifts -- to which Shoshana said, "It's not one of your superpowers?"). Thursday evening there was kissing. I'm not sure this actually changes the nature of our relationship to NOT "Sophia-dating" (as Shoshana deemed Sophia's paragraph above), but I figured keeping people up-to-date at least a little bit on relevant developments would be appropriate.

(And no, you can't meet her at Saturday's party, as unfortunately she has a pre-existing out-of-town commitment.)

Saturday evening, in conversation with Shoshana, I said, "I'm eating, but in my head I made rockstar arms and said, 'I win!' " She was confused. I picked up the toothpicks we'd discarded from our sandwiches, laid them out on a napkin, and then made an "o" with my fingers. She said, "Oh! I thought you said 'lobster arms.' " We both proceeded to dissolve into giggles.

Tuesday evening, I told Scott the story. I said I wasn't sure how to render lobster arms as an emoticon -- 2 lowercase f's? Scott commented that mirror-f's aren't on standard keyboards and suggested an f and an r. I said I'd totally forgotten about the mirroring requirement, and then pointed out that it could be a sideways facing lobster. He then suggested a capital F since lobsters have one claw bigger than the other. ♥

I don't actually know what a lobster arms emoticon would indicate. My first impulse is to want it to indicate amusement, given the aforementioned "dissolved into giggles," but I feel like "crankiness" or somesuch would make more sense given it's supposed to evoke lobsters.

Attempting to type them out now, I find that they look so much like words that I have difficulty parsing them as emoticons :/

fof
rof
Fof
foF

I got bonus surprise Scott today, albeit briefly.  He was sadface to learn that I wouldn't be around this afternoon.  I teased him about calendar-keeping.  And got to be the bearer of the exciting news that GoogleCalendar recently improved the Recurrence feature.

I can't sit in on class tomorrow because they don't have any extra seats, but it'll be recorded.

He was going to invite me to Simchat Torah except I have Art Night class.  I told Roza tonight: "I'm going to be a lot more Jewish by the end of this year, aren't I?"

*

Event went well.  Julia likened me to an "angel" at one point.  I'll have to watch the video of the panel discussions at some point as I had to be in and out a bunch.

*

Before Sacred Eros tonight, Desmond said of me: "She's a writer; she takes words seriously."  A. asked me what I write.  I finally turned to Roza and asked her, "What do I write?"  She answered, "You write sermons," in a sort of "among other things" tone, and I said, "Thank you, that is in fact what I was looking for."  (I had discarded blogging as not the answer I was looking for, since I don't feel sufficiently like that's a What I Do; and porn fanfic, since I really don't do that anymore; and I was literally blanking.)

One of the things we ended up talking about was "radical hospitality," and people used various story-images to express how they understood that concept; I forgot how powerful that is.  At some other point someone said something about the tension of using Bible stories in a UU service, of are those stories going to be resonant for people who don't come from that tradition, and my immediate (unspoken) response was, "They had better be or else Christianity isn't worth much" -- by which I mean that the stories that make up the Story of our faith should be powerful, resonant stories that speak to people.

Edit: At some other point during Sacred Eros, I cited a bit from the "Happiness" sermon Molly recently reposted (though I was recalling it from memory -- my netbook's busted, recall -- so I talked about not being happy with "the way things are" from more of an externally-directed perspective, which I think is a little unfortunate because "Frankly, I think God wants us to grow" is a great idea):

“Frankly, I think God wants us to grow and for me, growth comes from conflict. And I am never happy with conflict. I guess underlying conflict is change—and if I were happy with the way things are in the world, I wouldn’t want to change them. Of course, if I follow my own logic, then I am probably not happy with change either.”