burning like matchsticks in the face of the darkness

Tues. Dec. 4, 2012

Get more vertical: hike, climb to a high place, pogo or trampoline. Lift your chin to the sky and remember whose you are.

-from Molly's Advent calendar ["Advent and Christmas 2012: Incarnation"]

The end of the workday yesterday, I was feeling kinda pissy, so coming home I kinda wanted to just bike for ages, but I also wanted to head home. (There isn't a nice bike path immediately near me, which is irritating -- my go-to is the Charles River, and while I remembered about the Minuteman Bike Path later, I'm not certain that would have been all that more convenient, requiring that I head into Arlington, since it was the whole "travel during rush hour after dark" that was disinclining me from heading out again -- well, that and various other factors.)

I sometimes flirt with the idea of doing an hour bike ride along the River in the morning and doing strength training after work (I seem to get through it much more quickly when I'm not doing it first thing in the morning) rather than alternating morning routines. Days like today when I have extra time after my strength training routine and no time-sensitive plans after work, this seems like a good idea -- but I usually have evening plans (and don't love the "gym during lunchbreak" thing, though certainly I do it at times when I agree to be in the office early).

At the gym this morning, a trainer was talking about classes she teaches e.g. a Cardio Chaos from 12:05-12:55 (Wednesdays), where you rotate 3 times through 10 stations (jumping jacks, kettlebell swing, etc.), which is sort of tempting. (I tend to forget that there are regular classes which I can attend for free as part of my gym membership since I'm not inherently interested in trainers/classes and thus only notice classes when there are fliers up for special pay-extra classes -- which I have done before.)

(On the theme of Molly's calendar today, one of these days I'll go rock wall climbing again.)

+

At the gym this morning, a trainer and her client were like, "Yay, Christmas music!" and my first response was "Unrelenting War on Advent!" and then I realized the song playing on the radio was "Let It Snow," which isn't actually a Christmas song. (In contrast, at Trader Joe's on Sunday I heard "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town" and cringed for multiple reasons.)

The trainer said that one year it was like the last day before Break and barely anyone was in and she had Christmas music on and someone asked her to turn it off and she did but she thought, "Grinch." I did not say, "Unrelenting War on Advent!"

She talked about some class she does where she plays holiday music and she really does try to be inclusive -- e.g., including the Chanukah song. (On reflection, I assume she means the Adam Sandler song -- which is trufax an amusing song, though, hi, I bet Jews have lots of songs they sing at Chanukah, because they're Jews and thus have lots of songs for every occasion.)

Somewhere in here the client commented that there aren't really a lot of "Advent-y" songs, and in my head I was like: THANK YOU for acknowledging that the season of Advent even exists! -- Advent songs aren't peppy upbeat radio songs (like "Let It Snow") because they're about expectant waiting, and also they're explicitly religious so they're not radio songs and ugh, we mostly don't play explicitly religious songs on the radio period for obvious reasons (though, okay, I have a Josh Groban album (no, I don't remember why -- possibly a gift from Singspiration) which has actualfax Jesus songs on it, so probably so does every other album, of which there are many since apparently everyone needs to make a Christmas/holiday album [Edit: And on that subject, on Thursday night, someone I know from high school posted to fb: "How was I completely unaware that Sufjan Stevens released another amazing 58 song, 5 album Christmas extravaganza? So ridiculously excited right now! http://www.npr.org/2012/11/19/165470944/first-listen-sufjan-stevens-silver-gold " /edit ] -- because people need 87 different renditions of the same few dozen songs for their parties? idek.), so when we talk about "Christmas music" we probably mostly mean either generic winter stuff (which varies in quality, and obviously elides the entire Southern Hemisphere) or songs about "Santa" -- which I want to burn in a fire because, ugh, lying to your children.

I am not trying to take away anyone's holiday joy* but seriously, if you want joyful music in the darkness, go for it. If you want it to explicitly reference the cold/snow/dark of the season, go for it. [I have in fact crowdsourced "songs celebrating winter."] Please don't subject me to crappy music, and please respect my desire to observe my personal spiritual/religious practice of expectant waiting during the ~4 weeks of Advent and then celebration during the 12 Days of Christmas (see also: Lent and Eastertide); see also: my desire to not have "Christmas" cantatas or carol sings during Advent.

[Later today, someone on facebook linked to: The Daily Show with John Stewart: "The War on Christmas: Friendly Fire Edition" (it gets good about 4 minutes in -- "Christmas is so big now it's eating other holidays").]

* posts I have read recently include:

• Mary Luti's "A Good Word for the World in Advent" [via Molly]
  
• "Grace as: Permission to Celebrate" [via MagpieGirl]
  
• "A few ways in which the church cultivates irrelevance" on Episcopal Cafe [via OccupyAdvent]
  
• "Top 10 Reasons Christians Should Stop Whining About Secular Xmas" [via a UMC acquaintance]

When I was thinking about secular radio not playing Advent songs I remembered that on Sunday, @OccupyAdvent shared their #adventplaylist:

• Depeche Mode, "Enjoy the Silence"
  
• Blind Boys of Alabama, "People Get Ready"
  
• Bob Marley, "Stir it Up"
  
• Colin Hay, "Waiting for my Real Life to Begin"
  
• Mumford & Sons, "I Will Wait"
  
• Simon & Garfunkel, "Sound of Silence"
  
• Bear with us on this one: They Might Be Giants, "Birdhouse in Your Soul"
  
• Tom Waits, "Jesus Gonna Be Here"
  
• Over the Rhine, "Only God Can Save Us Now"
  
• Johnny Cash, "The Man Comes Around"

and then today they Tweeted the YouTube playlist link.

I am debating including Ani DiFranco, "The Waiting Song" (or "Second Intermission" -- yes, I ran a lyrics search for "wait").

Edit: @OccupyAdvent added:

• Beatles, "Let it be"
  
• Sam Cooke, "A Change Gonna Come"
  

And friends of mine suggested:

• Joni Mitchell, "River" (Coming on Christmas, waiting)
  
• Avril Lavigne, "I'm with You" (I tend think of Avril Lavigne's "I'm with You" as describing my relationship with God in general, but it strikes me as pretty darn Advent-y)
  

Plus, obvs., given my joy sadhana this season: Bob Franke, "Say Yes"

And after Wednesday's concert, possibly: Jenna Lindbo, "Angels on the Subway"

/edit

***

"Joy Sadhana is a daily practice in the observation of joy."
-mylittleredgirl [more info]

Hail full of grace, the Lord is with you
Worlds without end depend on you
Bless'd is the one whom you bring forth
Whom no one else can bring
-"Say Yes," Bob Franke

( joy sadhana )

When I was almost at the T station this morning, I remembered I'd forgotten to pack tights. After not too long, I remembered that there's a 24-hour CVS in Harvard Square; so I bought a pair of black tights there. And once at the gym I realized that because I'd taken my bigger backpack (planning to grocery shop after work), I didn't have my earbuds with me. So since I was already starting later than usual, and I haven't been wicked in-the-zone on the treadmill recently anyway, I opted to just do a strength-training workout rather than try to force myself through a treadmill workout without being able to hear the tvs I would be trying to watch.

***

"Joy Sadhana is a daily practice in the observation of joy."
-mylittleredgirl [more info]
"Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: you don't give up." --Anne Lamott

( Read more... )

BUT

I did accomplish various things today:

* I didn't kill anyone
* I delegated some tasks at work
* I took a full lunch hour away from my desk
* I made a dent in my backlog of emails to reply to
* I sent a second round of email probes re: Pride Interfaith
* I walked home and did some errands on the way
* I ate more than just chocolate for dinner
* I did my fasted-paced cardio workout yet (yes, in honor of it being Marathon Monday)
* I stood my ground about not coming in to the office early unless there was a specific need for me to

( gymming it up )

---

I gave blood:
Mon. Mar 1: Watertown (St. Johns Church)
Sat. May 1: Arlington UU Church
Tues. July 6: Watertown Public Library
Tues. Sept. 7: Watertown Public Library
Mon. Nov. 15: Cambridge (Masonic Lodge near Porter Square)

---

I got fitted at Intimacy ( bra size )

I also got fitted at David's Bridal, so I now know what my "measurements" are ( bust - waist - hip ? )

The gym at HBS is having a Fit for All (Body-Mind-Spirit) Open House this week, and one of the complimentary classes is Intro Belly Dancing. I've thought before about taking belly dancing classes [locked entry, linked for my reference], so the opportunity to try it out for free, at the most convenient location possible for me...

Having taken the class, my verdict is that I think I might like belly dancing -- but not necessarily with that instructor [Johara]. I didn't get to really grasp what it was I was doing before we sped it up or added more pieces or whatever. I also would have appreciated her explicitly demonstrating each piece solo before doing it with us, because watching her while trying to do it myself and having both of those learning experiences be brand-new really slowed down my learning curve. I mostly wasn't fussed about looking ridiculous, but I did have a lot of moments of, "I have no idea what the f*ck I'm [supposed to be] doing."

Thursday

On my way in to the office from the gym, I talked to Jen S. (who is apparently just back from maternity leave last week).  We talked about how I go to the gym every morning and how impressive that is and how going to the gym is a good thing AND WE DIDN'T TALK ABOUT WEIGHT AT ALL.  She said she hasn't gotten back to the gym but she always feels like she has so much more energy during the day when she's gone to the gym in the morning -- so I suggested that she just go for 15 minutes (since she was saying it was hard to have the time), get herself moving, get her heart rate up, etc.  I was v. proud of myself.  I thought, as I always do, when people say that, that I didn't notice myself feeling more awake or energized or anything when I started going to the gym, but it occurred to me that I was already doing a  good bit of walking in the morning, so I probably ALREADY had that positive effect at work in my system.

JenS. and GeorgeKevin-at-the-gym both said maybe I don't mind the cold so much because of the way my metaboliosm is as a result of my going to the gym.  I didn't bother pointing out that my metabolism has always been this way.

I spent this morning not charging $200/hr.

New today: Baked potato bar in the food court.  Which is remarkably filling when you take like an entire salad bar worth of toppings.  (I was skeptical at first because the potatoes were like fist-sized and you could only take one two.)
All 3 conference rooms were occupied, but Katie had the bright idea that we could use the tall tables and chairs that are by the coffee.

I spent this afternoon actually doing my job.

Cate and I went to Taming of the Shrew (see previous entry).  I got home around 11pm, hence not posting.

Friday

It snowed in the morning.

A few minutes before 5, Scott -- whom I hadn't seen all week -- showed up.  We hugged and twirled 540 degrees because I fail at 360.  I told him about sermon-writing and he said, "I wasn't tagged in that facebook note," and I said, "Because we're not facebook friends -- I looked for you on facebook a while back and couldn't find you."  So he logged on to facebook (where we learned that there are 5 people with my name but with the surname spelled the other way, and 5 people -- myself included -- with my name who spell the surname my way) and friended me.  Can I say how much I love that his response to my telling him about my having finished my sermon was, "Why haven't I gotten to read it?"

We chatted for like 20 minutes and then walked to the T together.  As we were leaving campus, my housemate called me to tell me that we had no power.  Her phone number's the one one file with National Grid for our apartment, so she'd gotten a voicemail about this -- indicating we wouldn't have power until ~2am (flames 25 feet high and flying manhole covers -- good times).  She had called Rachel before she called me, and Rachel said we could stay with them.

I felt like I would have been okay spending the night with no heat (that's what blankets are for, after all) but just in packing an overnight bag I realized how irritating it was to try to do anything in the dark.  [On my way home, ~6pm, I passed a house where people had trufac lit candles.  Yeah, we are at the time of year where the sun sets around 6pm.]

I love the tight twirl I HAVE MISSED YOU hugs I get from Scott, and I also really enjoy the boyfriendy "it is good to see you" hug-cuddle that I got from Jason when I showed up at Local 50.

We joined their foodler order from Lilly's Gourmet Pasta.  I got spinach gnocchi with pink vodka sauce -- v. tasty (though I thought I asked for Sundried Tomatoes and instead I got halved Cherry Tomatoes).  Later, Ricky made us all Caipirinha.  Eh, alcoholic sugar water is not so much my thing,

The ALCS game was on the tv, which I was so uninterested in, so I played on my computer (Cate says my laptop is sexy), including checking out Scott's facebook profile.  As a preface to making commentary, I explained that that he's my favorite doctoral student and blah blah blah.  The first thing Rachel said was, "Why aren't you dating him?"  ♥

Saturday

The day was sunny and often warmer than I had expected, which was good.

Kim and James did the bulk of the work of helping Allie move, but once we were unloading the van I felt like I was being useful enough to merit my taking up space there.

We read from 14,000 things to be happy about (revised and updated) while we waited for Alma.  ...  Interesting.

We broke for lunch at Bloc 11.  I got The Maple -- which I hadn't realized was a salad.  They gave it to me in a takeaway container because they were out of salad plates, which was actually good as I ended up taking some home (I did have a late breakfast of 2 egg&cheese sandwiches from Dunkin's).

Ari called me ~4pm.
We talked for 2 hours.  ♥
In telling a story, I said, "especially since he's been socialized as a guy."  Ari said, "I love that we're so careful about our language around gender -- and by 'us' I mean 'you'."  I said, "I was actually going to say that I think one of the big reasons I am so careful with language around gender is because of you -- because it is so frequently a part of our conversations."

Sunday

~4pm, it looked like clumps of snow were falling outside my window.  It then appeared to have dissipated, but when I was on facebook later the recent statuses of local friends confirmed that I had not been hallucinating.  (And at 4:16pm my mom TEXTED me.)  ~4:30 it had resumed in earnest, so I got to walk in it all the way to church.  I kept telling myself, "It's October; I should be upset about this," but I kept giggling and singing to myself "This is the day that the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it."

***

( gym: Oct. 13-16 )

I think I've actually done all the work I'm supposed to do. As in, there isn't anything [work-related] I'm being avoidy about (except of course actually cleaning out and organizing all my folders and piles).

I went to bed at like 9pm last night, and I'm still sick but also still getting better.

( gym )

I'm still wicked neurotic (blah blah interpersonal redacted) -- and hey, there's my HBSP file, so I should go take care of that.

Edit: And done. Even found and filled out the Revision form and asked the relevant person my questions re: it. And I placed the office supply order I'd meant to place yesterday. And made myself a note of the stuff we're not low enough on to necessitate ordering more but which I should probably keep an eye on.

I went to bed at like 8:30 last night.

Dreams included a not-very-good date with Jason. /o\

Walking to work, I was feeling better (as in, less sick). I was also thinking that maybe I should have just skipped the gym, but I actually did my entire usual "strength training" workout in ~45 minutes. I was really conscious of not rushing myself -- since I wasn't feeling well -- but I think having gotten a lot of sleep made the actual work feel a lot easier (inorite).

Greg to Kathleen: "Are you around--?"
Kathleen: "I have a break--"
Greg: "Not today, just broadly speaking, over the next two or three weeks."
Kathleen: "Yeah, I'm around."
me: "What, your answer isn't "No, I'm in meetings all the time"?"
Kathleen: "Elizabeth points out that "here" and "available" aren't the same for me. So you should probably try to get on my calendar. Thanks, Elizabeth."
me: "Do I get a bonus for the fact that I manage EVERYONE?"

edit: I sent off Jim's visa application around 3:30, and I kept feeling like I was missing something, despite having double- if not triple-checked the list of what was needed. As I was walking to the T after work it occurred to me: CIBT wants a photocopied set of all submitted documents, and gee, maybe it would have been a good idea for me to make a copy for myself as well. Sigh. /edit

***

Things wot are awesome:
+ ninja heads (aka, buckeye candies)
+ church history in 4 minutes (set to "We didn't start the fire")

( gym: Sept. 21-25 )

***

One reason to get enough sleep during the week: that way I don't feel lethargic all day on Saturday.

***

( gym: Sept. 28 - Oct. 2 )

***

I gave blood at Lawrence Memorial Hospital in Medford ~12:30 today.  When they called me on Sunday, I was surprised, not having thought it had been long enough since I last gave blood, but apparently that last was August 6.

So I weighed myself at the gym yesterday -- because the form for giving blood asks your weight, and I want to be accurate.  ( behind the cut: highlight for weight numbers and talk about food consumption )

I didn't get to bed until like 1:30am, but I still woke up a few times before I got up with my 10:30am alarm.  And GoogleMaps was actually fairly accurate about how long it would take me to walk to the hospital.  I was surprised at how few people there were, but I suppose the rain plus it being early afternoon on Saturday...  It did mean I got through quickly.  (temp: 98.4F, pulse: 68, BP: 96/60)  I am next eligible to give blood Nov. 28.

I deposited L's check, bought paper towels, came home and changed out of my rain-touched (yes, I did use my umbrella) clothes into pajamas, and did a load of laundry (including putting it all away).  And felt sleepy doing my Gandhi reading.  Sigh.  So I laid down and didn't-really-nap for much of the afternoon.  I finished the book reading (though I haven't started the online readings), and watched the film clips from Friday, and started my discussion board response.

***

Prayer from assorted church communities:

UCN: Lillian E. is in the ICU at Brigham with some fluid/blood in her brain after some kind of brain bleed
SCBC: Pastor Vic's wife Mary (age 73) died on Sept. 26
CHPC: LizC's mom (Betty, age 85) died last night after a long illness
FCS: LizD's grandmother had a stroke and is likely in her last days. Liz is particularly saddened that she won't be around to meet her great-granddaughter.