burning like matchsticks in the face of the darkness

excerpt from a conversation after morning prayer:
me: "OK."
FCS-Ian: "Is that your judging 'OK'? It's okay; I have one, too. The two of us should probably never be in a confessing group together, because we both should probably be confessing that, but neither of us feels guilty about it -- well, I shouldn't presume; *I* don't feel guilty about it."

+

It was like a gorgeous summer day out today -- what even?

***

"Joy Sadhana is a daily practice in the observation of joy."
-mylittleredgirl [more info]
"Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: you don't give up." --Anne Lamott

( Read more... )

When I went to lunch around 1pm, it seemed like it was just starting to snow. There's still very little accumulation, but I hear it's predicted to get heavy tonight.

At one point this afternoon, Ian asked something about whether I was coming in tomorrow.
me: Yeah -- the snow's supposed to stop by like 10:00.
Ian: 10:00 tonight or 10:00 tomorrow morning?
me: 10:00 tomorrow morning.
Ian: But your workday starts at 9.
me: Yes. And I'll be going to the gym before work, so I'll be on campus at 8. You know me. How many winters have you known me?

***

On the T after work today, I encountered a woman from the Harvard Queer Lunches. Turns out she's the Buddhist rep for Boston Pride Interfaith (and she's the one responsible for the African drumming woman at last year's service). She's trying to find a Muslim participant to include in this year's service as well. I approve.

***

After the Day I had on Monday, my Intention this week was to practice mindfulness, to not be overwhelmed by the everything. Magpie Girl's midweek check-in tonight:

Elizabeth- How are you doing with the back-to-class hubbub? I love that you are intending to stay mindful through the rush. I keep getting this image of all the faculty running around freaking out that their project is essential to life-as-we-know it, and you being a pragmatic oasis if calm in the midst of an over-blown storm. (Oh lordy how we humans do SO love to get worked up about things! :-) )

Traversing my moderately- shoveled/plowed side street this morning, it felt like the fallen snow was really light -- that easy to shovel kind, which surprised me given how wet it was last night.  (Though the more plowed/shoveled portions of my walk, it was more slabs of hardpacked snow underneath where the plows had come.)

It was very picturesque -- everything all covered in white, tree trunks included (though admittedly there were already grey portions some plcases from where snowblowers/plows had come by).  And there was a big snow person in the Tufts park -- complete with arms and face made from branches and bits of pine.

***

At morning prayer service, FCS-Ian had put out slips of paper with the readings in case anyone wanted to volunteer to read.

(Hebrew Scripture) Hebrews 12:1-14
(Gospel) Luke 18:9-14

I said, "You know the book of Hebrews isn't actually part of the Hebrew Scriptures."

He said he was using a Presbyterian lectionary because he decided he didn't like the UCC's one, and it had a second reading and it didn't occur to him until later that it wasn't actually an Old Testament book, at which he wasn't going to go back and change it.  He asked if I had come prepared with a Hebrew Scripture reading that's actually from the Hebrew Scriptures.  I said I had indeed brought my RCL, so I looked up what those would be and compared in the NRSV I'd picked up in the chapel.  I left the slips of paper where they were, so if anyone wanted to they could have picked them up, but no one did.

I decided I liked the Joel passage better than the Hebrews passage (yes, I did skim the Isaiah passage), so when we got to the Scripture reading portion I read that.  And then I said, "Am I reading the Gospel, too?" and he was kinda like, "If you want," and so I read the RCL, because that's what I had in my lap.  I hadn't looked up the Presbyterian Gospel reading (because I'd assumed FCS-Ian would be reading it), and in looking it up now I feel a little bit like I should have, because the Matthew passage is read at every Ash Wednesday service, and the Luke passage is really quite good.  But we had some good thoughts/conversation on the Matthew passage.

Joel 2:1-2, 12-17
Matthew 6:1-6, 16-21

FCS-Ian commented on the Joel passage -- about how "the day of the Lord is coming" usually makes him fearful, but it ends with this reminder that this is for rejoicing.
Various people (we had a full house -- Ian, me, Joan, Tim, Althea, Jason D., and Zack and Lisa) commented on the tension with the Matthew passage -- since we are elsewhere exhorted to things like "Don't hide your light under a bushel."  Intentions matter.

Jason D. did the Imposition of Ashes and said, "You are ashes, and to ashes you will return."
I prefer, "From dust thou art, and to dust thou shalt return."  That formulation of us being from the earth without the implication that that is all we are (I'm fine with using non-KJV speak, and using dust/earth/ash/whatever).

It irritated me from the first time I saw it in the subway window reflection that it looked more like a smudge than a cross, though on closer inspection you can see the full cross.

FCS-Ian says we're gonna do Imposition of Ashes every Wednesday -- but they'll be self-imposed; you can do them on your hand or whatever.

I'd expected that my morning ashes would come off because I was doing cardio at the gym afterward, but I was actually careful not to smudge it and since it didn't sweat off itself I left it alone.  In part I was thinking about something Ari had said a while ago about the cross necklace that she wears -- about it being the mark of her Savior.  Yes, the ashes are a reminder of our mortality, reminding us to be humble (when I told Ian this, he said, "You need ashes," and I laughed and said, "YOU need ashes"), but I also really like the fact that we are marked with a mark of our Redemption.  We are named and claimed -- bright, brilliant, beloved children of God.

***

Let's count how many times I can be Christian Educator this season.

(1) At The Cathedral's pancake supper, Christy (who came with Michael Z. -- who was also at the supper -- to hear me preach last month) sat with me.  I talked some about Tiffany's departure, which turned into my talking about the appointment process (which I had also had to explain to therapist that afternoon -- when I told her about Tiffany leaving, she asked, "Are you on the search committee?").  She said she's actually a United Methodist, but she doesn't know much about how it works, so she (genuinely) thanked me for educating her.

(1a) After morning service, I walked to the T with Lisa and Zack.  Lisa asked me about my church [someone had asked FCS-Ian if he'd be at tonight's Ash Wednesday service and he said yes; when I was leaving, I told him I'd see him tomorrow morning, that I wouldn't be at the Ash Wednesday service tonight because I'd be at the one at my church -- after I'd said it, I almost backtracked and said, "my other church," but honestly, CWM is "my church"], and so I explained some.

(2) After the TGM this morning, Sara said, "Happy Ash Wednesday."  I automatically responded, "You too," before I remembered that she's Jewish.  She said, "Wait, should I have not said 'Happy'?  Was that a major faux pas?"  I said no, it was fine (I said, "It's not like you said, 'Happy Good Friday,'" and she looked really confused at that), and explained (briefly) about Mardi Gras, Ash Wednesday, and Lent.

(3) Ian walked by and said, "You've got something on your forehead."  I said, "It's Ash Wednesday."
I started to explain and then stopped, thinking maybe he was just being deadpan.  (I really need to school myself on what Mormon kids get taught so that I know what I can reasonably expect him to know.  Apparently they don't do Ash Wednesday.)  But I think he was being serious, and so I kept on explaining.  (Of course, two more times throughout the day he said, "You've got something on your forehead."  I made as if to flip him off both times.)

(3a) Ranjan walked by and saw me and said, "Oh, Ash Wednesday."

(3b) Jim came to pick up his mail and said, "I think you have a smudge on your forehead."  I said, "It's Ash Wednesday."  He was like, "Oh, right, I should have known that."  I said, "It's okay -- it's not your liturgical calendar" [he's Jewish].  He said he grew up around it, so he still should have known.

[All the item 3's happened between 9:30 and 10:00 in the morning.]

(!4) Scott came back from class ~3pm and we hugged and he told me a story and he noticed my forehead and off his confused look I said, "It's Ash Wednesday," only by the time I said it he'd moved to looking down solemnly and making prayer hands, and so when he replied, "I know -- I was just trying to come up with a sympathetic gesture" [which explains the initial confusion I read] I said, "Yeah, I've just gotten so used to explaining it to people that I'd forgotten that this morning when I was explaining I was thinking, 'I won't have to explain to Scott.'"  I told him about Jim's response and that conversation, and Scott said, "Well it's not part of my liturgical calendar either, but I've seen people walking around with ashes all day, and so eventually it occurred to me: Ash Wednesday -- it is a Wednesday, we're at about that place in the year..."

Allie and I had a ~brief dinner before I went to my second service of the day, and at dinner she asked, "How was service?" because she grew up Catholic and so of course she knew wherefore the ashes.

***

CWM

I wiped the ashes off my forehead before going to CWM -- 'cause yeah, I was not going to show up for an Imposition of Ashes with ashes already on my forehead.

Annie modified the 2 Corinthians reading for the Call to Worship, and then read aloud were "Oh, God, create a clean heart in me, and renew in me a steadfast spirit" (from Psalm 51) and Matthew 6:19-21.

Annie invited us to reflect:

How can we change our mode of thinking from either "storing up" and hoarding, or focusing on "heaven"? Is there a way to live authentically in the here and the now, focusing on how our actions affect all of our relationships--- our relationship with ourself, with God, with other conscious beings, with all of creation? In what actions will we engage to stretch our understandings and to help change and repair the fruitless, even harmful, paths we have followed in the past?

Tallessyn's studying environmental ethics, and she talked about garbage, about how things don't magically go away, and how we shouldn't live our lives with things that we have to try to find ways to make magically disappear.

Trevanna talked about vision quests, about how a 40-day vision quest is a powerful practice that shows up in a lot of cultures, and that one thing a vision quest reveals/reminds is about oneness.

We talked some about the fuller version of the Matthew reading (I talked some about the reflection conversation at service this morning).  Marla said that it's not the Catholic reading -- that it was put in as an anti-Catholic thing.  According to the RCL, we all read the same Gospel lesson (the RC only elides the part about storing up treasure), so I dunno -- since I can't speak to the Catholic lectionary pre-RCL.

Eric talked about the "stretch our understandings" bit, and Michele talked about the relationship bit (again, about interconnectedness), and people talked about taking care of and being attentive to themselves rather than just to other people.

Celebrating Our Humanity

As we receive ashes, placed upon our foreheads, let us remember that we are formed from the earth and we will return to the earth, being a part of both the past and the future.  Therefore, we speak words that hold truth, but should never hold fear, "Remember that you are dust, and to dust you shall return." Let us resolve to live more fruitfully in the present.

These crosses were way more visible than the ones we got this morning.  Marla said these were much more watery because they didn't have much ash so they had to make it stretch.  Tallessyn ended up with like a lambda on her forehead, because Marla had ashed her while Tallessyn was playing the piano and singing.

We did Communion, complete with Words of Institution that echoed the words and ideas from the Imposition Offering of Ashes.  And when I got communed, Michele said "[the Bread of Life,] strength for the journey," and Marla said, "the Cup of liberation."

Our closing hymn was "Here Am I" (Brian Wren), which TFWS places under "Grace," though I feel like it better fits the facing page theme of "Social Holiness."  [Edit: You can check it our yourself here.]

We realized after the service that we hadn't done Passing of the Peace (Annie had set aside some silent time for prayer between the Reflection and the Ashes -- she'd forgotten to actually mark it in the bulletin because as far as she's concerned, all of worship service is an act of prayer) so we hugged then :)

Edit: ( Call to Worship; alt-text of Sunday's Palms are Wednesday's Ashes )

The cars and the fields were covered in frost when I was walking to the T this morning (~7am), though my hair didn't freeze.

Monday evening, Ian's facebook status was, "just made potato leek soup for the first time this winter," and I sort of laughed that he was saying it was winter (Sunday and Monday were quite unseasonably warm, recall) and then I remembered that we're in mid-November.

When on Sunday Liz C. said, "This week I'm working on a conference, and next weeks is the holiday," I was like, "wtf?  How is Thanksgiving that soon?"  Now I am expecting it to be in like two days, though, because Rest and Bread finished its three-week series on "thanksgiving" and doesn't meet the day before Thanksgiving, so tonight was all about looking ahead to the Thanksgiving holiday (family, etc.).

I opted to take the #66 out to Amy even though it would take about the same amount of time as walk/Red Line/Green Line and I'd be more likely to get to read on the subway.  I did actually get to read a fair amount and I snagged a seat partway through.  I remember being awake at Coolidge Corner.  And then it was Malcolm X Boulevard and I wondered if this was too far.  And a couple stops later we were at Dudley Station.  Oops.  Almost immediately I saw a #14 bus to Heath St./Huntington pull in, so I hopped on that, saw a bit of scenic Roxbury, and then hopped on the E Line.

I picked up books for Ari, and a metric fuckton of alcohol for our party (housemate says now the only alcohol we need to buy for the party is some more rum).

On my way back on Longwood Ave., I saw an M2.  \o/  So I took that back to the Red Line, then got out at Davis, had dinner (outside) at Mr. Crepe with L. (who drove me home afterward), called Ari, and now I get to go to bed before midnight :D

***

( joy sadhana )

"Joy Sadhana is a daily practice in the observation of joy."
-mylittleredgirl [more info]

"Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come.  You wait and watch and work: you don't give up." --Anne Lamott

Good things about today:

• OtherElizabeth emailed me back about getting together (and picked something that works for me).
  
• Entertaining email, and free french fries.
  
• Iron Man fanfic.
  
• Ian made me cranky, and Ari doesn't get home until about 6pm my time, and neither of the books I had in my bag were comfort reading, and I wasn't confident that SOM/WEST's magazine rack would be helpful either.  But I remembered that Jason was working, so I went and asked for a hug.  And being told so genuinely, "I'm glad you stopped by.  It's good to see you.  I would like to see you again soon," really really helped.  And then I called Ari and walked on the bike path.
  Ironically, after some distance, Ian's unflappably confident, "He'll call you when he gets out," was something I started returning to with comfort -- even though I still think, "Who are you to make such a definitive statement without letting me vocalize the potential complicating factors?" plus it was Not A Good Response At The Time regardless of whether it is a True Fact or not.
  
• After dinner at CAUMC, riffing off of a story Jess was telling and a broader discussion spun off from that, I told my story of getting chatted up by an Armenian guy.  Everyone was way more creeped out by this than I was.  I also opened the discussion of the Roberta Bondi excerpt we read, but clearly my post-dinner anecdote was the really salient portion of my contribution to the group this evening.  [Affirmations]  Sean affirmed my "sarcastic tongue-in-cheek clarity about your morals."  Mike said: "I like your worldview."  Meredith Affirmed that I "take everything in stride."  Jess Affirmed my openness to chatting with random strangers.
  
• sweet_adelheid posted recently about dreamboards [Magpie Girl tag, explanation from Starshyne Productions].  I didn't think much about this for myself initially, but I've been thinking about it more recently, and I've been thinking of good images/phrases to put on mine, and I'm increasingly liking the idea of a dreamboard ("A dreamboard is a collection of words and images of something we want to manifest - of the focus that I want to bring to the month to come." --italics from Starshyne, regular font from Heidi).  So thank you, Heidi.  (Heh, nice full circle since you started looking at Magpie Girl blog because of me.)
  
• Carolyn and I had both thought to poke Jeremy about his going-away party this coming Saturday, and this evening he actually posted the details (like the address and the MBTA directions).
  

Things I did well today:

• I only snoozed my alarm once and I ate breakfast at home and brushed my teeth and went to the ( gym )
  
  
• I replied to a couple personal emails.
  
• I did my Rest and Bread writeup AND my "pro-blog" writeup of Pentecost.
  
• I proofread a document for Prof.D.
  
• I thought about what I could do so I wouldn't stew on being cranky and I focused on praying good things for people rather than rehashing why I was cranky, and I found concrete things that could comfort me.
  
• I read the chapter Ross had wanted me to read so we could discuss on Sunday.
  
• I didn't take the "safe" route in "what my challenge is this week" at CAUMC -- and I talked about the idea (from Sunday) of really thinking through why something scares me and Meredith said that was a really helpful idea.
  
• I walked home from CAUMC.  (I had been taking rides home for a while, but I really don't want to be a person who gets rides home from that.  I walk most everywhere, and I like that conception of myself being true.)
  

Things I am looking forward to (doing [better]) tomorrow:
["anything that you're looking forward to, that means you're facing tomorrow with joy, not trepidation," as Ari says]

• Half day at work.
  
• Getting my hair cut.
  
• Dinner with Allie.

This afternoon (after I don't know how many messages back and forth these past few days), Ian said,

The Winter's Tale is about.....

redemption

That's why i like it.

This I can get on board with.  I don't think it quite saves the play for me, but it does incline me more favorably.

I felt more "normal" today, which lends credence to my "hormonal" theory.  (I felt like I needed to be doing a lot of non-work stuff, like I needed to protect myself from the anxiety etc. that would hit me if I totally switched modes, but I'm choosing to interpret that as primarily a function of the tiredness -- though today I was also grateful that the tiredness was sort of backburnered or something.)

I met Roza and Jonah at Tealuxe after work.  I got the Almond Rooibos -- which was not as awesome as advertised but was good.  In talking about UU-ism, it occurred to me that one of the things that was surreal to me about the whole "There's a spectrum of UU -- King's Chapel even does Communion" (in response to my statement that I'm too Christian to be UU, that one Sunday I went to ASC with Jonah) was that this thing which is base foundation to my faith tradition was being posited as the high Christology end of the spectrum in this other tradition.

At group, Meredith asked me why I do so much church, and at one point she suggested the answer, "Because it makes you happy?" and really, that is the truest answer I've found thus far.

***

"Joy Sadhana is a daily practice in the observation of joy."
-mylittleredgirl [more info]

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." -Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

Five good things about today:
1. lunch with Jeff
2. Ian brought back goodies from ExecEd
3. interactions like normal
4. writercon & muskratjamboree planning
5. Leaving work I bumped into Katie and MikeS. and I would have liked to keep chatting with Katie but I had to turn around at the turnstiles 'cause I was meeting folks for hot chocolate.
6. Sean served tempeh as part of dinner.
7. Our recycling bin did not vanish.

Three things I did well today:
1. I got up with my alarm, did all my requisite morning stuff, took out the recycling, and went to the ( gym )
2. I fixed a broked wiki page, and in the process learned some about how its coding works.  (When I was telling Roza and Jonah this, I remembered that Cate's taking a web design class, and it occurred to me that it might be worth auditing a class like that next year.)
3. While I wasn't as assertive getting some work stuff taken care of as I should have been, I did get some stuff done, and I also stayed on top of various personal things.

Two things I am looking forward to (doing [better]) tomorrow:
["anything that you're looking forward to, that means you're facing tomorrow with joy, not trepidation," as Ari says]
1. muskratjamboree!!!  I will be there all day on Friday and Saturday and then I have another 12-hour day of church on Sunday, after which point my plan is to come home and fall into bed.  I expect to be AFK most all of the weekend (though jadelennox is hubbing us, so I may steal other people's laptops), but I'll have my cell on me the whole time.

Tonight: Packing etc. took longer than I anticipated and I started to fade, so I opted to be lazy and sleep in my own bed tonight and T in tomorrow morning.

Lacking anything more apropos, post title is from this because Jonah mentioned it.

***

Last Sunday, Courtney (sp?) at CHPC asked if anyone was having a Super Bowl party and I was like, "Oh, I think my friend Jess who would usually host such a thing said she's gonna be out of town."  I had literally forgotten that the Super Bowl would be coming up.  At lunch the next day at work, folks were talking about the upcoming Super Bowl and so I asked who was playing.  Upon hearing Pittsburgh Steelers and Arizona Cardinals I thought, "The Arizona Cardinals?  Didn't we play them in baseball?"  Yeah, I was thinking of the Arizona Diamondbacks -- and the St. Louis Cardinals.

My flist is apparently similarly uninterested..  (Has anyone even mentioned who won the Super Bowl?  Not that I rely on my flist for all my news -- I mean, okay I mostly do, but for stuff like this I also have the metro on my morning commute -- but it just entertains me that basically no one was invested in the result enough to post about it.)

From yesterday:

fox1013: Is there a particular team I should be rooting for? I ask this like I'm not just going to be watching the Puppy Bowl, which is a lie, but I don't even know what teams are playing and I feel I probably... should? Or something?

cidercupcakes: You should be rooting for Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band!

...what, the halftime act could totally surprise everyone and win it.

Also seen on the flist, post title "Steelers & Cardinals open for Springsteen"

I haven't seen many of the Super Bowl commercials.  Any recommendations?

***

I went to give blood after work today.  My iron needs to be 12.5 and it was 13.5.  My blood pressure was 110/88, and my pulse was 66.  I do not have awesome blood-giving veins, but the last 2 times I've gone to give blood I haven't had serious difficulties.  This time my blood was coming out really slowly (I guess I was not sufficiently hydrated?) and they need you to be done in under 20 minutes (otherwise they start to worry about clotting in the tube).  Le sigh.

***

"Joy Sadhana is a daily practice in the observation of joy."
-mylittleredgirl [more info]

Do not be afraid, I am with you
I have called you each by name
Come and follow Me
I will bring you home
I love you and you are mine
     -"You Are Mine" (David Haas)

Five good things about today:
1. This afternoon I was feeling mopey, so I went downstairs to get something with chocolate from the vending machine.  It told me "Transaction Invalid" and "Card Deleted."  It's beautiful out, so walking over to Spangler isn't exactly a hardship, but…  I emailed Ian to be like, "have they not calibrated the vending machines for the new ID cards?" and he replied (in part), "Well i'm sorry to give you the news, but they did talk about staff cuts at the last faculty meeting, and I think this is their way of giving the news to you….. "  I LOL'ed.
2. [redacted, v. 2]
3. I am loved.  This is included in #2, but I also wanted to say it explicitly.  Plus, I am demonstrably loved by other folks today as well.
4. I called Ari while waiting for the bus back from blood donation and told her all about my day, and then we drafted our "25 Random Things About Me" posts aloud to each other.  (I think the most "us" moment was each of us trying to list all the churches we've each been to, largely utilizing LJ tags.)  After 2 hours and 55 minutes on the phone, she posted hers and I let her go get ready for bed.
5. My cup runneth over.  So much more chocolate than I was expecting (and the abundant generous love that implies), and my best friend, and folks who oblige me on the love meme, and an email from my mom that almost made me cry (in a good way).

Three things I did well today:
1. ( gym )
2. I took care of a bunch of the expense stuff (albeit not all of it) and contacted people about getting together.
3. I successfully found St John's Church in Watertown and was cooperative and gracious throughout the whole blood donation process.

Two things I am looking forward to (doing [better]) tomorrow:
["anything that you're looking forward to, that means you're facing tomorrow with joy, not trepidation," as Ari says]
1. CWM Lenten Worship Planning
2. finishing my "25 Random Things About Me" post