burning like matchsticks in the face of the darkness

Traversing my moderately- shoveled/plowed side street this morning, it felt like the fallen snow was really light -- that easy to shovel kind, which surprised me given how wet it was last night.  (Though the more plowed/shoveled portions of my walk, it was more slabs of hardpacked snow underneath where the plows had come.)

It was very picturesque -- everything all covered in white, tree trunks included (though admittedly there were already grey portions some plcases from where snowblowers/plows had come by).  And there was a big snow person in the Tufts park -- complete with arms and face made from branches and bits of pine.

***

At morning prayer service, FCS-Ian had put out slips of paper with the readings in case anyone wanted to volunteer to read.

(Hebrew Scripture) Hebrews 12:1-14
(Gospel) Luke 18:9-14

I said, "You know the book of Hebrews isn't actually part of the Hebrew Scriptures."

He said he was using a Presbyterian lectionary because he decided he didn't like the UCC's one, and it had a second reading and it didn't occur to him until later that it wasn't actually an Old Testament book, at which he wasn't going to go back and change it.  He asked if I had come prepared with a Hebrew Scripture reading that's actually from the Hebrew Scriptures.  I said I had indeed brought my RCL, so I looked up what those would be and compared in the NRSV I'd picked up in the chapel.  I left the slips of paper where they were, so if anyone wanted to they could have picked them up, but no one did.

I decided I liked the Joel passage better than the Hebrews passage (yes, I did skim the Isaiah passage), so when we got to the Scripture reading portion I read that.  And then I said, "Am I reading the Gospel, too?" and he was kinda like, "If you want," and so I read the RCL, because that's what I had in my lap.  I hadn't looked up the Presbyterian Gospel reading (because I'd assumed FCS-Ian would be reading it), and in looking it up now I feel a little bit like I should have, because the Matthew passage is read at every Ash Wednesday service, and the Luke passage is really quite good.  But we had some good thoughts/conversation on the Matthew passage.

Joel 2:1-2, 12-17
Matthew 6:1-6, 16-21

FCS-Ian commented on the Joel passage -- about how "the day of the Lord is coming" usually makes him fearful, but it ends with this reminder that this is for rejoicing.
Various people (we had a full house -- Ian, me, Joan, Tim, Althea, Jason D., and Zack and Lisa) commented on the tension with the Matthew passage -- since we are elsewhere exhorted to things like "Don't hide your light under a bushel."  Intentions matter.

Jason D. did the Imposition of Ashes and said, "You are ashes, and to ashes you will return."
I prefer, "From dust thou art, and to dust thou shalt return."  That formulation of us being from the earth without the implication that that is all we are (I'm fine with using non-KJV speak, and using dust/earth/ash/whatever).

It irritated me from the first time I saw it in the subway window reflection that it looked more like a smudge than a cross, though on closer inspection you can see the full cross.

FCS-Ian says we're gonna do Imposition of Ashes every Wednesday -- but they'll be self-imposed; you can do them on your hand or whatever.

I'd expected that my morning ashes would come off because I was doing cardio at the gym afterward, but I was actually careful not to smudge it and since it didn't sweat off itself I left it alone.  In part I was thinking about something Ari had said a while ago about the cross necklace that she wears -- about it being the mark of her Savior.  Yes, the ashes are a reminder of our mortality, reminding us to be humble (when I told Ian this, he said, "You need ashes," and I laughed and said, "YOU need ashes"), but I also really like the fact that we are marked with a mark of our Redemption.  We are named and claimed -- bright, brilliant, beloved children of God.

***

Let's count how many times I can be Christian Educator this season.

(1) At The Cathedral's pancake supper, Christy (who came with Michael Z. -- who was also at the supper -- to hear me preach last month) sat with me.  I talked some about Tiffany's departure, which turned into my talking about the appointment process (which I had also had to explain to therapist that afternoon -- when I told her about Tiffany leaving, she asked, "Are you on the search committee?").  She said she's actually a United Methodist, but she doesn't know much about how it works, so she (genuinely) thanked me for educating her.

(1a) After morning service, I walked to the T with Lisa and Zack.  Lisa asked me about my church [someone had asked FCS-Ian if he'd be at tonight's Ash Wednesday service and he said yes; when I was leaving, I told him I'd see him tomorrow morning, that I wouldn't be at the Ash Wednesday service tonight because I'd be at the one at my church -- after I'd said it, I almost backtracked and said, "my other church," but honestly, CWM is "my church"], and so I explained some.

(2) After the TGM this morning, Sara said, "Happy Ash Wednesday."  I automatically responded, "You too," before I remembered that she's Jewish.  She said, "Wait, should I have not said 'Happy'?  Was that a major faux pas?"  I said no, it was fine (I said, "It's not like you said, 'Happy Good Friday,'" and she looked really confused at that), and explained (briefly) about Mardi Gras, Ash Wednesday, and Lent.

(3) Ian walked by and said, "You've got something on your forehead."  I said, "It's Ash Wednesday."
I started to explain and then stopped, thinking maybe he was just being deadpan.  (I really need to school myself on what Mormon kids get taught so that I know what I can reasonably expect him to know.  Apparently they don't do Ash Wednesday.)  But I think he was being serious, and so I kept on explaining.  (Of course, two more times throughout the day he said, "You've got something on your forehead."  I made as if to flip him off both times.)

(3a) Ranjan walked by and saw me and said, "Oh, Ash Wednesday."

(3b) Jim came to pick up his mail and said, "I think you have a smudge on your forehead."  I said, "It's Ash Wednesday."  He was like, "Oh, right, I should have known that."  I said, "It's okay -- it's not your liturgical calendar" [he's Jewish].  He said he grew up around it, so he still should have known.

[All the item 3's happened between 9:30 and 10:00 in the morning.]

(!4) Scott came back from class ~3pm and we hugged and he told me a story and he noticed my forehead and off his confused look I said, "It's Ash Wednesday," only by the time I said it he'd moved to looking down solemnly and making prayer hands, and so when he replied, "I know -- I was just trying to come up with a sympathetic gesture" [which explains the initial confusion I read] I said, "Yeah, I've just gotten so used to explaining it to people that I'd forgotten that this morning when I was explaining I was thinking, 'I won't have to explain to Scott.'"  I told him about Jim's response and that conversation, and Scott said, "Well it's not part of my liturgical calendar either, but I've seen people walking around with ashes all day, and so eventually it occurred to me: Ash Wednesday -- it is a Wednesday, we're at about that place in the year..."

Allie and I had a ~brief dinner before I went to my second service of the day, and at dinner she asked, "How was service?" because she grew up Catholic and so of course she knew wherefore the ashes.

***

CWM

I wiped the ashes off my forehead before going to CWM -- 'cause yeah, I was not going to show up for an Imposition of Ashes with ashes already on my forehead.

Annie modified the 2 Corinthians reading for the Call to Worship, and then read aloud were "Oh, God, create a clean heart in me, and renew in me a steadfast spirit" (from Psalm 51) and Matthew 6:19-21.

Annie invited us to reflect:

How can we change our mode of thinking from either "storing up" and hoarding, or focusing on "heaven"? Is there a way to live authentically in the here and the now, focusing on how our actions affect all of our relationships--- our relationship with ourself, with God, with other conscious beings, with all of creation? In what actions will we engage to stretch our understandings and to help change and repair the fruitless, even harmful, paths we have followed in the past?

Tallessyn's studying environmental ethics, and she talked about garbage, about how things don't magically go away, and how we shouldn't live our lives with things that we have to try to find ways to make magically disappear.

Trevanna talked about vision quests, about how a 40-day vision quest is a powerful practice that shows up in a lot of cultures, and that one thing a vision quest reveals/reminds is about oneness.

We talked some about the fuller version of the Matthew reading (I talked some about the reflection conversation at service this morning).  Marla said that it's not the Catholic reading -- that it was put in as an anti-Catholic thing.  According to the RCL, we all read the same Gospel lesson (the RC only elides the part about storing up treasure), so I dunno -- since I can't speak to the Catholic lectionary pre-RCL.

Eric talked about the "stretch our understandings" bit, and Michele talked about the relationship bit (again, about interconnectedness), and people talked about taking care of and being attentive to themselves rather than just to other people.

Celebrating Our Humanity

As we receive ashes, placed upon our foreheads, let us remember that we are formed from the earth and we will return to the earth, being a part of both the past and the future.  Therefore, we speak words that hold truth, but should never hold fear, "Remember that you are dust, and to dust you shall return." Let us resolve to live more fruitfully in the present.

These crosses were way more visible than the ones we got this morning.  Marla said these were much more watery because they didn't have much ash so they had to make it stretch.  Tallessyn ended up with like a lambda on her forehead, because Marla had ashed her while Tallessyn was playing the piano and singing.

We did Communion, complete with Words of Institution that echoed the words and ideas from the Imposition Offering of Ashes.  And when I got communed, Michele said "[the Bread of Life,] strength for the journey," and Marla said, "the Cup of liberation."

Our closing hymn was "Here Am I" (Brian Wren), which TFWS places under "Grace," though I feel like it better fits the facing page theme of "Social Holiness."  [Edit: You can check it our yourself here.]

We realized after the service that we hadn't done Passing of the Peace (Annie had set aside some silent time for prayer between the Reflection and the Ashes -- she'd forgotten to actually mark it in the bulletin because as far as she's concerned, all of worship service is an act of prayer) so we hugged then :)

Edit: ( Call to Worship; alt-text of Sunday's Palms are Wednesday's Ashes )

I walked in to the church (I had checked my email, so I knew it was in the chapel, but the exterior chapel door was actually locked) and Tiffany saw me and said, "You decided to do Ash Wednesday with us this year." I, slightly confused, said, "Didn't I do Ash Wednesday service here last year?" and she said I might well have, but that this year I had sounded like I wasn't very into it (later it occurred to me that she was probably thinking of the Lenten Worship Planning Meeting wherein I talked about how I didn't grow up observing Lent and how while there are various things I've really adopted in my recent years of churching, I haven't really latched on to Lent). I said, "Well I figured I'd go to Ash Wednesday service somewhere, I just hadn't decided where."

She had to go take care of some pre-service stuff, but said the chapel was all prepared if I wanted to go in and pray.

I noticed the altar drapes were white and gold -- oh yeah, it's a high holy day.

Leyalyn and Telynia (Tallessyn's little girls, aged 3 and ... 6?) are beautiful and adorable. Leyalyn had rainbow striped pants, and they both had light-up sneakers and black t-shirts that lit up (High School Musical t-shirts, I suspect).

In attendance were: Tiffany, me, Tallessyn (music director) and her husband and children, Tyler (one of our interns -- and did a bunch of the readings in the service, plus helping with Communion), Michele (one of our lay leaders -- though she wasn't actually helping to lead service tonight), and Trelawney. I forget how sparse attendance is for services other than our usual Sunday evening ones.

***

Prelude and Silent Meditation
"Come, kindred, let us consider the dust and ashes of which we were formed. What is the reality of our present life and what shall we become tomorrow?"
-Verses During the Last Kiss: Funeral of the Dead, Orthodox Liturgy

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I was reading a post by a friend last night, and she mentioned the (now familiar to me) concept that the commandment to "Love your neighbor as yourself" requires that you do in fact love yourself, and how this self-love continues to be a challenge for her.  [Edit: Er, I seem to have neglected to actually write up the bit about my reaction to that.  I had intended to say that self-love I really don't have much difficulty with, which would then lead into the following thought.]  Later I was thinking about how the next day was Ash Wednesday and wondering whether I wanted to go to an evening service and get ashed, and I was thinking how it would be appropriate to confess my brokenness before God, in keeping with the theme of Lent of desert days and how as Tiffany mentioned it used to be a period of preparation for catechumens before baptism, and I was struck by just how resistant to that idea I am -- how I want to have it all under control on my own.

In another friend's post, mrs_redboots commented, "I was once told that having the ashes imposed is a sign of humility - but failing to wipe them off before you leave the church can be a sign of spiritual pride!"  I definitely understand this idea, but my perspective was very much one tied in with Coming Out.  I was hugely hesitant to be visibly ashed because it's a very public declaration and as someone who is very hesitant to claim an identity of Christian believer, this is an anxious thing (there are also other identity/honesty issues tied up in that because I think of getting ashed as such a Catholic thing and I am so not Catholic).  So for me, going out ashed would be a brave and frightening thing, though admittedly there are issues of pride in there.  Having moved from a Catholic town to heavily secular environments, I'm far more inclined to viewing going out ashed as a brave thing, though I can certainly see how it could be a pride thing for some people.

I did end up going to Ash Wednesday service at CAUMC tonight.  My first ever.

We sang "Sunday's Palms Are Wednesday's Ashes" (The Faith We Sing 2138) which I liked a lot and could really get into as a statement about Lent.  Sadly, the words do not seem to exist online.  Will have to steal a copy from the church.

Gary and Tiffany talked about how Lent shouldn't be about beating ourselves up but about working toward wholeness, and about the catechumens and learning/teaching how to be a Christian/follows Jesus.

Tallessyn and Dan and their wee girls were in front of me, and Gary said, "This is a reminder that Jesus loves you very much," as he ashed the wee ones.  ♥  (He did the traditional "ashes to ashes" bit with all us big people -- though earlier one of them had said that yes we are dirt but we are dirt formed in the very image of God.)

There was also Communion.  Tiffany held the bread and started her statement to me with my name, which I always find powerful, and said something about, "May you rejoice in God always," which I interpreted as connected to our conversation last night about my faith struggle.  Andrew held the cup and said, "The cup of love, given for you."  I'm used to hearing "Cup of Life," which I like fine, but I really liked this new way, especially because it made me think of the idea of replacing "blood" with "love" in hymns [blood is powerful, so I'm not endorsing this as an entire thing, but an overemphasis on suffering can be detrimental, and it's also just really interesting how easily "love" can replace "blood" in so much hymnology].

Interestingly, I passed various people on my home from service and almost never actually thought about the fact that I was ashed.

***

Beth Moore's Believing God is currently sitting in my bathroom.  Huh.

***

In other news, I stopped by Staples after work to get a new keyboard, and I was totally failing at gauging what felt right, so I ended up just picking one and as I was setting it up at home I was thinking, "Wait, this resembles the new one my parents got -- which I hated."  Yup, sure enough, I keep messing up using the Home/End/Delete/PgUp/PgDn keys, and occasionally some of the regular keys as well.  ::smites::  I love staples.com, though, for having a thing you can print out and leave for the driver to tell them to leave the package without a signature.  (Having ordered things and found out after the fact that the delivery would require someone to sign for it, this is rather a big deal for me.)