burning like matchsticks in the face of the darkness

So, Ari and I kind of brainstormed about my Reflection for Wednesday.  This included a visit to TextWeek.com (actually to check if the pericope that follows that one ever ends up in the lectionary), where I saw Celebration of Biblical Preaching; Luther Seminary; Oct 4-6, 2010 on their "This Week's Sponsors" top bar.

What talked me out of going was the fact that the two and a half days only include about four hours of biblical preaching workshops.

It's funny, one of the reasons I've dithered about going to CWAC and TBC is that I'm neurotic about missing workdays (and church, though probably less so these days), but I was totally unfazed by the fact that the Biblical Preaching was Monday through Wednesday (which are the days my faculty teaches, as opposed to the Fridays I would be taking off for CWAC and TBC).  Yeah, I can just hear Tiffany saying, "You might be resisting a Call -- I'm just saying."  I, of course, would frame this as, "Interest areas, I has them."  Though it is trufax that part of why I wasn't even really thinking about things like the implications around work when I was looking at the Biblical Preaching thing was that it felt like, "This is what I do" -- that there's stuff that sounds potentially interesting but I feel like I have to justify the level of importance to the tradeoffs, whereas this just felt like "of course" ... er, I am not articulating this well.  Anyway.

***

Work continues to be busy, but not excessively stressful, and I continue to feel pretty good, but I am preserving these for posterity :)

Friday, seeksadventure included me in her "Follow Friday: Blogs You Should Read" post.

Today, ladyvivien said, "I love it when people on my flist talk about their jobs. It's something that's such an integral part of our lives but few of us post about (hermionesviolin is a notable exception, just reading her posts make me feel productive)."

Also today, Ian, in an email reply said: "yes yes you sent it to me already, ms. elephant who never forgets anything"
(He asked me to send him something, and I knew I'd sent it to him on Friday, but hey sometimes I misunderstand him, so I forwarded him that email I'd sent on Friday, changing the Subject line to, "is this the doc you mean?" -- okay okay, my motives were not entirely pure, shuddup; one of our longest histories is that I do this.  Also, I now I keep thinking of Horton Hatches the Egg.)

I went to lunch+afternoon session of New England Annual Conference today.  Near the end of the worship service, the Bishop invites anyone who feels Called to ordained ministry to come forward -- and we sing "Here I Am, Lord."

I remembered last year Tallessyn and Michele going down and how I'd cried.

And singing the refrain this year, I cried.

Here I am, [God].
Is it I, [God]?
I have hear you calling in the night.
I will go, [God], if you lead me.
I will hold your people in my heart.

There's something really moving and also really resonant about that.

But as I told Carolyn as we walked through the parking lot: I can be called to ministry and not be called to ordination or seminary.

***

I'm reading Barbara Brown Taylor's book An Altar in the World, and in the chapter on vocation ("The Practice of Living with Purpose") she writes, of herself and the other clergy in her small town, that they all had something they did besides church -- being a volunteer firefighter, teaching Italian at a community college, writing books, etc.

All of us were committed to a parish ministry, which was our main vocation.  What allowed us to keep answering the call to do it, however, was knowing that there was something else we could do too.
    (p. 117)

Reading that, I thought about how for me it's the reverse -- that I have a full-time job that pays all my bills, and church is the Other Thing that I do.

During sharing time at re/New last night, Lindsay said sometimes the Holy Spirit is pushing her in a direction and it's scary, and I almost cried.  Which is weird because I am that girl who is constantly pointing out that being called by God, saying yes to God, all that is scary and daunting stuff because God calls us out of our comfort zones and pushes us to do things we don't necessarily want to do -- so it's not like this is news to me at all.

Elizabeth F. said that someone recently had asked her what she was going to do with her life and when she told him he said, "That's God's work," and she said, "Yes it is," and she commented that sometimes she needs someone else to remind her that what she is doing is God's work.

Courtney shared something and I forget what it was, but after she had finished, the candle she had blown out continue to spiral smoke up into the air, so after the smoke stopped, I got up and said that what Courtney had said, combined with watching the smoke continuing to come from the candle even after it had been blown out, made me think of how the Holy Spirit is always present, even when we think it's gone away, even when we can't perceive it.

+

On my lunch hour today, I finished reading Theology Without Words and started Practicing Resurrection.

Beginning to read it I had the same feeling of almost wanting to cry.
It's beautiful and compelling.  And seductive -- it makes me want to have a strong Call to ordained ministry, even though I think that where I am right now is the right place for me right now.

I could talk about the moments of disconnect I have had with the book thus far, but instead I offer you this:

A few days later, I heard a story about a group of men who were in prison.  They were part of the more than ten thousand political prisoners in this particular country's particular jails.  It was Sunday and they wanted to celebrate communion but they had no wine, no bread, no cup, no priest.
    "We have no bread, not even water to use as wine," their leader said to them.  "But we will act as though we do."
    And so he began to lead them in the communion service from the Book of Common Prayer that he had memorized over many years of attending church.  When he got to the words of Jesus that are said during the Eucharistic prayer, he turned to the man standing next to him, held out his empty hands, and said, "This is my body, which is given for you."
    And so they went around the circle, one by one, each man turning to the next one, opening his palms, and saying, "This is my body, given for you."

(pp. 21-22)

I literally cried.

(Later on page 22, Gallagher writes: "The Eucharist is meant to call us out of our own capacity to be sacraments, one for the other.")

I was sitting on a bench in the closest thing the b-school has to a Quad.  I literally shut the book and just let myself cry.

That's near the end of Chapter 1, and as I started reading Chapter 2, I decided no.  I set my cell phone alarm for the end of my lunch hour (ten minutes) and sat and prayed.

re/New last night's theme was "holy spirit" and for the breakout session I was really torn between "make a pinwheel; if you like, draw or write a prayer to the spirit before folding" and Lindsay's teaching breath prayer.  Ultimately I chose the latter (I prayed "renewal" for myself and "guidance" for the community).

Praying outside today I focused on my breath, did the words of the breath prayer a little but mostly just focused on my breath -- thought about some of the images Gallagher had talked about in her first chapter, gave thanks for the beautiful breeze and then prayed some other thanksgivings, prayed some intercessory petitions, recurrently wondered if my alarm would fail to go off.  I sit in prayer for ~15 minutes almost every Wednesday, so I knew I could do 10 minutes, but I was still surprised at how quickly the alarm went off.

+

It's so easy for me to "work through my lunchbreak" -- to stick around for work-related potentialities, figuring it all comes out in the wash since I have so much downtime at my desk during which I'm doing my own stuff.  (I do purchase and eat lunch, I just often eat it at my desk.)

But I have learned that actually stepping away from my desk for a solid hour a day is good for me.

Laura Ruth once told me, "You are a wonderful friend to [so-and-so]! Boundaries help me be a wonderful friend to myself. I pray that is true for you, too"

In all the "saying goodbye" and "letting go," I'd forgotten that the first theme I articulated for 2010 as this year was developing was "boundaries."

I have realized recently that pausing to say grace is really good for me -- really pausing ... not just rushing through the words, but stopping to reflect as I pray them (so probably praying out loud, or at least mouthing the words, would be good), to actually pause before I start to eat.

For dinner tonight I made Trader Joe's mac&cheese and reheated some of the falafel from church.  And I sat down at the kitchen table to eat.  I almost always eat in front of my computer -- which is not a great idea for a number of reasons -- but tonight I made the conscious decision to sit down at the kitchen table to eat.  I brought Practicing Resurrection with me, but I actually spent much of the time just eating.

+

[Admittedly, I cry at nearly everything.  Later today I kept almost-crying while watching Cat Valente's acceptance speech for the Norton Award for Fairyland.  "The girl lost in the dark just trying to survive, and she turns to this very old, very odd, and very new, kind of magic to save her family and somehow it works, and she finds her way."]

***

( Molly )

+

How much do I love that we, the Body of Christ, are Rocks and Redeemers? (per Molly's signoff on her email)

Seeing Molly at re/New last night (she sat sort of across from me in the circle) I had this deep desire to offer to step up to help with the work of First Church Somerville.  But that's not my place.  I will continue to be involved with the church as I have been, and that involvement may change but it will be an organic process, involving my gifts and abilities and the needs of the church.  (Burnout, I do not want.  I'm also not interested in trying to force a match where there's a mismatch.)

Thursday lectionary for the week before Transfiguration Sunday (descriptions from my RCL book):
Deuteronomy 9:1-5 (God's oath to Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob)
Acts 3:11-16 (Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob's God glorifies Jesus)

FCS-Ian commented about in the Deuteronomy passage how it's not about us but about a bigger picture -- and talked about reframing our experiences as not being like, "Oh, this bad thing happened to me," but maybe, "This good thing needed to happen to someone else."  I think that's stretching the text a bit -- since God in the text is very punitively punishing -- and I don't necessarily even believe God works that way, but I did appreciate the idea about reframing by focusing on the bigger picture -- not focusing (just) on our own experience but looking at the larger context within which that experience is happening.
I commented on how both passages say "It's not about y/our righteousness but about God," but in very different ways.

The hymn was "We have come at Christ's own bidding," which FCS-Ian loves but which feels out of place to sing most of the time.  The song wasn't all that familiar to me, but the tune felt really familiar, though looking it up in the Index (HYFRYDOL) the other listed songs didn't seem all that familiar to me (though I didn't look at them very thoroughly).

***

After work on Thursday I did assorted errands then settled at Blue Shirt for Laura Ruth's open office hours.  James and Al were there, and Kathy and Jeff joined later.

~6:15, Allie txt msgd me: "You're probably busy tonight, but I figure it can't hurt to ask? :)"  I wasn't in love with the conversations/interactions going on at Blue Shirt, and I hadn't seen Allie in much too long, so we met up at Mr. Crepe around 6:30.

She had an elsewhere to be at 7:20 (so we made plans to make plans for Monday -- yay holiday).  I knew folks were meeting in Blue Shirt at 7pm to finalize plans for the Feb 21 re/new --- "Remember Thou Art Earth: Lenten Reflections on Earth and Spirituality" -- so I headed back to Blue Shirt.  (Laura Ruth was like, "You came back.")  Laura Ruth, Kathy, Jeff, and Tara were there (and Kim at the beginning? she recalls, having told Ari about someone sharing with me a theological problem with the line "none other has ever known" in "In The Garden").

One of the songs we talked about using was "She Comes Sailing on the Wind."  Tara was having difficulty with the like surprise fifth verse in Sing! Prayer and Praise.  I said my biggest complaint with Sing! Prayer and Praise is that I often find it really hard to follow along.  I was like, "I could send you a photocopy from The Faith We Sing [the United Methodist hymnal supplement]."

Brainstorming for a closing song, I thought of "The Trees of the Field" ('cause of Convo).  But no one else knew it, and I really couldn't sing it (though I swear it is really easy to learn).

Congregational Hymns and Songs Listed by Year of Copyright or Composition
[1985] She Comes Sailing on the Wind (Gordon Light, TFWS 2122)
[1975] The Trees of the Field (Steffi Geiser Ruben, Stuart Dauermann, TFWS 2279)

Yeah, I really need to obtain myself a copy of TFWS.  (And start bringing it to re/New planning meetings.  I would totes get an e-reader if I could use it to carry around things like The Revised Common Lectionary, The Inclusive Bible, assorted hymnals....)

My non-Christian roommate's response to the story about maybe including Joni Mitchell's "Big Yellow Taxi" in the service: "That song has no business being in church.  It's the least hopeful song ever."  [She says Richard Thompson's "1952 Vincent Black Lightning" is the "most depressing" song ever.]

We talked about the fact that most of the songs for this upcoming service were from Sing! Prayer and Praise -- because Jeff doesn't want to have too many books and photocopies floating around in any given service.

Laura Ruth said Jeff had done the "Herculean" work of putting together a book of songs for his kids at Tufts and it's "dog's work."  I was like, "But then you have a book of all the songs you like!  Tara, remember at the retreat when you were talking about being a hymnal junkie.  I would totally collect hymnals so that then I could have all the hymns I like."
Tara: "Oh, so you'd be collecting hymns, not hymnals."
me: "Yeah -- I mean, I would be collecting hymnals, but it would only be as a means to an end."
me (turns to Laura Ruth): "I told this story to Tiffany and was like, 'Worship planning?  Since when do I do that?' and she said, 'At your ordination, I'm just going to say "I told you so," that's all.'"
Laura Ruth: [looks at me over her glasses in a sort of pointed "I'm not saying anything" kind of way]

We actually didn't wrap the meeting until almost 9pm.  Laura Ruth offered to drive people home and I said, "Would it make you feel better to drive me home?" and she said, "No, it wouldn't make me feel better," but she ended up driving me home anyway, because she was driving Jeff and Jeff was asking if it was a good idea that he'd listed in print all of his song ideas (anchoring: good idea/bad idea?) and I said I was really glad to have something concrete to start with and our end list included a bunch of stuff not on his list, so it didn't seem to impede brainstorming or anything -- and we were walking to where Laura Ruth was parked, which was just about the opposite direction of where I live, so yeah, ride home.

They reminisced about HDS some, and I said that I'd heard that it doesn't do a good job of preparing you to be a pastor, and I said most of our CHPC interns came from HDS (in contrast to CWM, where they most come from BU STH), and I talked a little about my conflicted feelings about CHPC [clarification: I'm not saying I think CHPC's interns would make bad pastors] -- mind, I was responding to questions for most of this, was speaking with great energy but I didn't feel monologuing.  Somewhere in this, I said to Laura Ruth, "You're gonna get really practiced at giving me that look, aren't you?"
Laura Ruth: "What look?"
me: "That look of: No, you're not called to ministry at all."
Laura Ruth: "That wasn't what was going on in my head at all.  What was going on in my head was: I just marvel at how many words you have."
I bit my fist in a sort of blushing way.

***

My facebook status this morning: "Elizabeth has become someone who collects hymnals. Who knew the United Methodist Hymnal came in various color options? Decisions, decisions. (Though I think the purple is too great a temptation for me to get it in any other color.)"

CAUMC-Andrew commented: "I like my purple UMH. If you start collecting non-UMHs, two of my favorites are the Brethren hymnal and the Society of Friend's hymnal."

(Possibly I should actually clean out my bedroom before I acquire an entire new bookshelf of books.)

Jeremy commented: I have a purple UMH too...swanky!
Sharon: CWM should try to find pink and lavender :)
Tiffany: Check out the Australian hymnals too...they are fabulous! There is a list of the hymnals here: http://lectionarysong.blogspot.com/2010/01/song-and-hymns-for-transfiguration.html
Carolyn: I want a purple hymnal!
my mom: I have a couple -- maybe I should pass them on :)

So, my current to-purchase list:
Sing The Faith: New Hymns For Presbyterians (2003)
United Methodist Hymnal (Pew, Purple)
The Faith We Sing (Pew Edition with Cross and Flame)
Zion Still Sings! For Every Generation (Pew Edition, 2007)
[Edit: and Songs of Zion]
Sing! Prayer and Praise
The New Century Hymnal
the lingonberry-/cranberry-colored ELCA hymnal

Edit: Wikipedia: List of hymnals (hat-tip: Ari)

Friday night's post-dinner session started with icebreakers, and as Betsy was explaining I kept interrupting to ask questions, and Laura Ruth said, "Come sit by me," and I kind of laughed, but she indicated like no she really meant it, so I scooched across the room and curled up next to her.
She asked me, "Is it okay that I called you out?"  I said it was fine.  I almost said, "You're a pastor - it's your job."

One of the questions was how long you've been at First Church, and various of the people I'm familiar with (who by definition do more than Sunday morning, since I almost never do Sunday morning) -- Kathy, Tara, Jeff and Julie, the Duhamels -- have only been there 2 or 3 years, which surprised me.

Later, Laura Ruth taught us a nigun, so it's just "lai lai lai ..." and after she was done, Ally said, "What was that again?" after Laura Ruth laughed, she looked at me.  I laughed and said my first thought had been, "That wasn't me!"

In conversation with a few of us, Tara talked about being a hymnal junkie.
I said that my best friend (and another woman I know) collect hymnals and that I don't but maybe I should since I have purchased the UMC Book of Worship and Book of Discipline.

At some point I was going through the Sing! Prayer and Praise book [the new praise music supplement to the UCC hymnal] to find which hymns I knew, and one of them was "She Comes Sailing on the Wind," and Jeff said, "Oh, you know that one?  I've been wanting to learn that."  I said I couldn't sing it all that well on my own but that I would try.  Yes, I was yet again reminded one of the things church does is pushes us beyond our comfort zones, pushing us to utilize gifts and graces we aren't necessarily even sure we have.

When I was talking about "She Comes Sailing on the Wind," I said that it was one of the hymns I picked for the Sunday I preached, and how we sang other hymns that Sunday morning, some of which I was like, "Oh, I wish I had picked that one!"  It occurred to me that if I collected hymnals I could collect all the hymns that I like, so I could just go to that booklet and pick out hymns to go with whatever service I was working on -- yeah, worship planning... what is happening to me?  There are all these things that Ordained Ministers do and I'm like, "No, I'm not Called, because I don't (wanna) do any of those," and I keep having to be like, "Well except for that, and that..."

As we sat together after Compline, Jeff was humming, and someone asked him what song, and thus started a session of singing and guitar-playing.

Ally asked if she could teach us her favorite Julian of Norwich song.

Ally taught us the chorus ("All will be well, and all will be well, all manner of things will be well."), and I thought, "Okay, this isn't a tune I'm familiar with, but okay," and then she started the song -- she would sing the verse, and then we would join in on the chorus.

I wasn't blown away at the beginning, and then I wanted to argue back to the singer ('cause, hi, it is Julian -- you'll understand what I mean when you read the lyrics), but then, oh, it kind of broke me open at "I know it's too much, and it brought me to my knees, where I heard..."

After I got home, I looked up the lyrics and then bought the track off CDBaby (I would have bought the whole album, but I previewed it and wasn't really taken with it).

I've been praying this song a lot since I got home from retreat.

When Ally first started teaching Laura Ruth the song, Laura Ruth picked up a shaker and I thought, "music is so how you pray."

Saturday morning, I passed FCS-Ian, and he asked, "You didn't bring your lectionary, did you?"  I said, "No, but it occurred to me this morning that if you're doing your morning prayer service, you need to know what the daily lectionary is, and so I should have brought it."
So he just picked passages (Judges 5:1-13 and Matthew 26:36-45).  [After I got home, I looked it up, and the assigned passages were Judges 3:7-11 and Luke 4:42-44.]
The Bible we had there was the Authorized King James Version.  Yeah, that was interesting.
We talked mostly about the Luke passage.  In conversation, I commented that Jesus is modeling for us that you can pray, "I'm willing to do this, but I really don't want to -- you can register a complaint."

We also talked a lot about the last line -- "Then cometh he to his disciples, and saith unto them, Sleep on now, and take your rest: behold, the hour is at hand, and the Son of man is betrayed into the hands of sinners."  That Jesus after twice exhorting them to wake up and stay awake, this third time tells them to sleep.  I thought but didn't say that I really didn't remember the story ending that way, but when I looked it up at home, yeah, the NIV for example says, "Then he returned to the disciples and said to them, "Are you still sleeping and resting? Look, the hour is near, and the Son of Man is betrayed into the hands of sinners," which has rather a different slant.

There wasn't enough snow on the ground for FCS-Ian to make a snow labyrinth, but there was some snow out on the fields, and before breakfast we saw a fox lope across.

After breakfast was a whole-group Intro to Prayer session.

Laura Ruth said that when she and Molly get up on the chancel, she wants to look out at everyone and greet them (hi, she is an extrovert) but instead she takes off her glasses and covers her eyes with her hands, and she said that what she is praying in that moment is: "Be in every cell of my body.  Make me transparent.  Help me lead Your people."

Molly talked about how there are 4 different kinds of prayer (and she had a Scripture example of each of them) -- intercession, petition, lament, thanksgiving.  I would have combined intercession and petition (yes there's a difference between asking for things for other people and asking for things for yourself, but they're both still asking God for things) and added confession.

We did a four corners exercise responding to various statements about prayer (Strongly Agree, Somewhat Agree, Somewhat Disagree, Strongly Disagree).  Yes, the responses from the various corners often very much resembled each other, but I think there was some good discussion, too.  Possibly my favorite moment was the group that Somewhat Agreed that they were happy with their current prayer practice (no one went to Strongly Agree for that) was about half people who have a prayer practice and about half who don't.  The hardest statement for me to respond to was, "I believe that some prayers count with God more than others."  Define your terms!  I ultimately said that I think all our prayers matter equally to God because we are all beloved children of God and God understands just how important each of our prayers is to each of us -- but that that is an entirely different/separate issue from which prayers God actually answers (if we even believe in a God who interferes in the world in that way).

Then there were prayer practice breakout sessions:
Kim and Betsy: craft and art as prayer
Molly: Prayer 101 and Lectio Divino
Laura Ruth: anointing for healing as prayer
Keith: guided meditation as prayer

I went to Laura Ruth's anointing as healing.  She walked us through how to do it really step-by-step, which felt a little awkward, but which I think was really good.  She talked about reading the other person and trusting your intuition.  Don't rush into their space.  Ask permission before touching them.  (And in that permission-asking, state what specifically you're going to do.)  Ask permission to anoint them with the sign of the cross -- or another symbol, like a spiral, since some people have been really hurt by Christianity and so that symbol can be really loaded in negative ways.  Ask what it is that they would like prayer for.  Ask what name they use when they're praying to refer to the Divine -- so that you can mirror their language (which never would have occurred to me, but which I think can help make it feel much more intimate and powerful).  Don't worry about having the perfect words to pray -- the intention is what's important, people will forgive a lot if they know that your intentions are good.  You can always just repeat back to them what they said to you -- which can be really powerful, to know that someone really heard you.  Someone commented that she really likes hearing someone pray in their own words, because it's an additional part of the experience that they can't get by themselves.  Laura Ruth also said that if you really can't think of anything to say, honor that -- say, "I have no words right now.  Is it okay if we stand in silence for a moment?"

I was surprised at what a powerful experience it was.

Oh, and Laura Ruth also said something about this ritual not healing the person in and of itself (the oil does not have magic healing properties) but it can remind the person that they can be healed.  (Yes, my disability-politics brain kicked in as I was writing this up, but I know what she meant.)

Julie went to Keith's guided meditation, which was about inviting Jesus to dinner.  She was at the same table as me at lunch afterward and talked about it.  She said her first thought was, "I wonder if Jesus has any dietary restrictions."  I heart First Church.

At one point, folks talked about last year's retreat, which was about enneagram typing, and I said that sometimes I think I should take the test, but that I never remember all the jargon -- that I can tell you in words what my personality type is, but I can't even remember my Myers Briggs beyond Introvert.
Kathy said, "You're even more surprising an introvert than I am."  I sort of thought, "Well, you see me in church settings where I'm comfortable."

We sang "Taste and See" from Sing Prayer and Praise, which we had sung the previous night and I hadn't liked -- with an opening refrain of "Taste and see the goodness of the Lord," I was expecting verses about the beauty of Creation or something, but instead we got "God is great, and will provide for you, like giving you what you ask for," which is theology I just don't buy.  When I was complaining about it to Ari on Sunday, she said that her immediate first thought was that it sounded like a Communion hymn -- and indeed, the Lutheran hymnal lists it as a communion hymn (and notes that it is based on Psalm 34).  I was so stuck in my thinking about why I didn't like it in the first place that it didn't occur to me that we were singing it at Communion on purpose (though in my defense, I have such a low theology of Communion, that out of context the phrase "taste and see the goodness of our God" -- yes I was auto-inclusivizing, though I left the Lords in the verses, because the verses sometimes also said God and I didn't wanna be redundant -- is not going to make me think of Communion).

We closed with a hug circle.  Molly said, "If that idea terrifies you, you can slip out after the last hymn," but that she thinks this is something "that will sustain you for days."

Carmen, who's about four years old, had slipped into the line in front of me, so John Olson who's over six feet tall had picked her up to hug her, but then he told me that he wouldn't pick me up like he had Carmen -- and he said this in a totally reassuring way.  I said he totally could.  So he did.  I don't think someone has really don't that since my Uncle Paul when I was much younger.  (I had thought earlier in the day that I had barely hugged anyone but that I didn't feel that lack, so this must be a good and comfortable space.  I was of course totally stoked about hugging a circle of ~30 people, though.)

It started snowing around 7:20 this morning.  I really enjoyed my multiple opportunities to walk outside in the snow (today's job market candidate totally gets points for her happy willingness to transit outside).  I was less stoked about all the puddles on my walk home, as the snow had turned to a light rain, but I managed to not get soggy feet.

I came in to work to an index card on my desk that said (in red pen) "Inverted-color smiley face. .. ." and on the back (in yellow highlighter) was a smiley face with with a speech bubble that said "QED."  Yes, Scott is back :)  We went to lunch together (yay, pasta station is back!).

Busy day at work.  No one got mad at me, though.  Or if they did, they didn't tell me so :)  And I managed to grab B. for the assorted scheduling info I needed.

I can haz additional stalker tool.  And I got my gold star for a side project in the form of a chocolate cookie the size of my hand.  (A not very good cookie, as it turned out, but it's the thought that counts -- and I was hungry.)

I emailed MikeN. a copy of my sermon.  He replied, Subject "great job"

I enjoyed your sermon.  The baptism of Jesus is important in so many ways.  While the details differ (don’t they always) between the Gospels the fact that this event is recorded in all four Gospels indicates how important it was.  I think you need to get over your not liking congregations thing and think about seminary.  Maybe God thinks so too!

I laughed.  I'm glad that my reaction is laughing rather than screaming about how there are legitimate reasons to question my fitness for ordained ministry and why can't I be a lay preacher?

Morning prayer service, I did both readings (de-masculinizing the language on the fly, so I wasn't entirely happy with the results):

Psalm 147:12-20
John 8:12-19

I accidentally read through verse 20 in John by accident (that's how the paragraph ends!).  Someone asked if this was when Jesus was 12 -- which it isn't.  Ellie said that was the reading this past Sunday (I'm glad some church did Christmas 1 this past Sunday).  FCS-Ian commented that it's interesting that when he was 12, the religious leaders were impressed by him but once he started challenging them, then they were questioning him and trying to get rid of him.

The responsive was Psalm 97 (in the New Century Hymnal).

Afterward, I kindly asked to be locked in to the building and was obliged, so I didn't have to go hermit at Starbucks or something :)  [Keith was joking yesterday that we should turn the church into a wireless cafe -- because before Rest and Bread I was on my laptop on the phone with Carolyn making plans for today, and the last time he'd seen me I'd been on my laptop in the chapel before Cantata Sunday.]  Though while I'm increasingly hooked on wi-fi, I'm still not really comfortable using my eee for more than casual surfing level of actvity -- because of the keyboard and the fact that I keep accidentally dragging tabs out and accidentally zooming in/out (which I still can't figure out how to do on purpose, so I can't undo it).

Carolyn and I had some difficulty finding her ZipCar in the University Park lot (sidebar: she had a Prius yesterday and way prefers it to the Civic we had today) and then we hit snow around 10:30, so we got into Northampton significantly later than we had planned, but so it goes.  (God bless the parking garage!  We parked for 2hrs38min for $1!!!)

We stopped and Pride & Joy first.

Looking at the buttons, I commented on the one that said, "If I let Jesus into my heart, then everyone will want in."  I said I know it's intended to be sarcastic, but really it's true.  There were 2 left in the drawer.  We each bought one.  I put mine on my snowflake hoodie.

I also looked at a necklace -- black beads with rainbows of beads sprinkled throughout.  I tried it on and Carolyn said it looked good on me.  I bought it.  I didn't actually see it on myself until I was in the bathroom at Haymarket (yay non-gender-demarcated bathrooms!) but it really does look good on me.

We had lunch at Haymarket (duh).  Looking at the menu, I thought, "I want everything on here!" which like never happens to me.  I think I had this same experience last time I was there.  At some point I noticed that there was no meat in any of the items on the menu.  \o/  I got a grilled cheese sandwich (with gruyere, tomato, avocado, etc.), which while I was eating it I realized I think I'd gotten last time; oops.  I got a Daucus smoothie, which I don't remember from when I've been there before (carrots, cinnamon, etc.).

Carolyn's been angry with God recently for Calling her -- and also with her parents for teaching her how to hear the Holy Spirit ;)  She said people keep asking her, "How do you know you're called to work within the church?" and she wants to start responding: "How do you know you're not?"

She said to me, "You're lucky.  You're called to be where you are.  To do what you do.  You're drawn to the church, but."  I was amused, since just a few weeks ago she was teasing me about not answering my call to ministry.

She asked me if I thought I was called to do the work that I do at HBS -- "to deal with that particular kind of bullshit," as she put it.  I said that for the most part I really like my job and for the most part I seem well-suited for it -- but that I've been rethinking that a little recently because the staff all have their own things going on so there's not that feeling of connection that there used to be, plus some of the faculty are leaving.  She said it sounded like I was called to be stability in times of transition (be that in the church or elsewhere), and talked about my ability to stay calm in the midst of change, to see and point to the stepping stones across the water -- which image I really liked, because it reminds me that stable doesn't have to mean static.

By the time we left, the snow had basically stopped -- having accumulated about an inch.

We skipped Faces but stopped at Northampton Wools.  Carolyn's been questing for a rainbow skullcap to replace the one she gifted to someone, and she bought self-variegating yarn to make herself one.

We went to the Emily Dickinson Museum (though due to repairs on Emily's house, we only got to tour her brother's house) -- last tour of the day/year.  It was lovely picturesque in the snow.  (Ari, apparently the Franklin edition is the best collection -- so says the retired English professor who was our tour guide.)

Aww, Carolyn's facebook status: Carolyn [redacted] had a fabulous adventure with Elizabeth [redacted]  today. She learned that when the GPS says "left" or "right" it really means "gaily forward." There was snow, there was good food, there was queerness, there was literary greatness... and there were a few inside jokes. What a great way to end the year!

During Coffee Hour on Sunday after CHPC, Barbara (who's been coming to CHPC for maybe a year?) told me that she'd been at her sister-in-law's church (in California, I think) and read an article in a newsletter about "progressive Christianity" and thought, "Oh!  Yes!  That!  Now I have a name for what I am."  I laughed and said, "I joke about all the leftie churches I hang out in, but yeah, 'progressive Christianity' is also an accurate term."  She said that "leftie church" doesn't work as a term for her because it has connotations/implications that aren't true for her.  I wanted to say, "What part of 'leftie' doesn't work for you?" but instead I just said lightly, "Eh, I just like being flippant."

I was telling Ari about this tonight, and I said that I don't remember when I first encountered the term "progressive Christianity" but that it makes intuitive sense to me -- "two great tastes, taste great together," I quipped ... I mean, in the Venn Diagram of identities, there are progressives and there are Christians and what do you call that overlapping segment?

I said that I'd been ruined by going to college in Northampton where (almost) all the churches have rainbow flags -- because the population is so predominantly queer(-friendly), of course subgroups of the population are going to be similar; ditto Smith College where there was Radical Catholic Feminists of Smith (RCFOS) and lots of lesbians in Hillel and so on.  And I said that I guess if one came from a place where there was very little queer presence, it would be easy for the religious voices to be either anti- or silent, which would make rainbow flag church seem an unusual thing.  And I know that I should cut people some slack for being all, "Oh, this church is unique and special and amazing and different," because if the only church they have known is church that has hurt them, then encountering an alternative would really rock their worldview.  It still makes me cranky, though, because there are SO MANY churches in this geographical area that have progressive politics and social policies, that practice inclusivity and non-hierarchical participation, and different churches do different things better than others, and your church is not the ONLY option (and is not necessarily even the best option).

***

At CHPC we have had two book group sessions on John Shelby Spong's Sins of Scriptures, and the second session turned into largely talking about what do we have after all of this "traditional" stuff we've inherited has been discarded, and how can church be relevant and meaningful and etc. (Karl's sermon that day had been on how at the conference he'd been to the previous day he'd been reminded once again of how much he loves the Church and how many churches are dying but many churches are out there on the edges trying to do a new thing and he wants CHPC to be one of those active creative churches).

Later that week (which was last week), Karl came across The First Christmas: what the gospels really teach us about Jesus' birth by Marcus Borg and John Dominic Crossan and emailed us saying, "I've just been going through it and think that it would be a really good read for us during advent.  It's about seeing scripture as metaphor and parable, and the political critique the gospels were making of their time, and more.  I would love for us to suspend Spong for a little while and spend 2 or 3 weeks with Borg and Crossan."

Today, someone Replied All saying that right now they are "more interested in discussing how we as a church can live some of the things we discussed after reading Sprong's book" and maybe Session and Worship Committee could read the book and "discuss how some of the relevant issues can be implemented in our worship and in the life of our church."

I have really mixed feelings about this, because, on the one hand, I am thrilled that people really want to continue this conversation about how we do church, but on the other hand, I really want to do Advent.  In part because I'm not good at doing Advent, so I want all the resources I can get.  And also... we can't wait a month to return to that other discussion?  How present (physically/mentally) are people really gonna be during the holiday season anyway for discussions of How We Do Church?

And as I was realizing while talking to Ari tonight, that what we believe we're waiting for in Advent is really central to our faith.

I was rereading some stuff from Easter 2007 earlier today, and thinking about how "Christ is Risen" is a true statement every day of our lives, about how the light in the darkness and God dwelling amongst us and so many things are ALREADY (and always) true -- and I don't WANT Advent ... I don't WANT the waiting.  But then I was thinking about the reasons I'd been feeling down and how a lot of that is stuff that I just need to bear through, that the waiting is a good practice to cultivate.

CWM's Advent Planning meeting was a conference call tonight instead of a meatspace meeting due to scheduling constraints.  I called in at 8:01pm (for an 8pm call).  Tiffany was the only person on the call -- and that remained true for the next forty-five minutes until we hung up.  Tiffany had expected that I would (A) call in, (B) have read the lectionary texts.  I did the homework but didn't really have thoughts, but I called in anyway.

Tiffany remembered from my sermon a few weeks ago that I love Advent.  I laughed and said I'd been having a mopey day and had been thinking about Easter and how the things we celebrate on Easter are always/already true and about how I didn't want to do the dark waiting period of Advent.

We talked about the lectionary and what spoke to us, surprised us, etc.  I said that one thing that had surprised me was that "Rejoice in the LORD always" is in the Advent lectionary.  She said that had surprised her, too -- that it shouldn't, because it is one of the candles after all, but when she thinks of Advent she immediately thinks of a contemplative time.  She talked about the joy of Advent as being an authentic joy in opposition to the false joy of consumerist culture.

We talked about the reminders that God's Reign isn't going to be what we expect, that we can have very strong ideas about what kind of thing it's going to look like, but ultimately we are all going to be surprised, it is beyond our comprehension, there is, as Tiffany said, an element of Mystery.  We also talked about the pregnancy metaphor, about how that's joy mixed with anxiety, about how you don't know what's going to come out.

***

After about a half an hour, we'd run through lectionary and themes and images and hymns and decorating the altar, and Tiffany thanked me for taking the time to participate in this call and also reiterated, with the same high level of energy as she had when she said the same to me on Sunday, that she really enjoys reading my sermons and that she thinks they should be shared with more than just my facebook friends and that the pulpit is open.  She said preaching sermons is very different from writing sermons (I know) and she hoped that the experience of preaching would help with my discernment  -- she said preaching is what really drew her into the ministry, that kind of dynamic energy.  I did not say that I do not get that kind of charge out of public performance/engagement.  She said if I haven't picked a Sunday by the first week after January she'll assign me one.  I laughed long.  "You can always say 'no,'" she pointed out.

When I told Scott (a few weeks ago) about her open-pulpit offer, I said I'm not familiar enough with the lectionary to know what Sunday I would want, and I'm not sure how helpful reading ahead in the lectionary would be (especially since it often takes me a few days of sitting with the lectionary texts to find a way in), and he said that some of his best sermons (or whatever the appropriate equivalent is) have come from just being assigned a parsha, so he suggested I just pick a Sunday at random; so I may take her up on her offer to simply assign me a Sunday.  However, I also welcome input from people more familiar with the lectionary than I.

She also suggested that I could write a book -- collecting all the sermons after a year and also including a reflection on the process.  "I would buy that book."  It's definitely an intriguing idea (though of course part of me wants to wait until I've gone through the whole three-year lectionary).  I would self-publish, obvs. -- lulu.com or something.

***

My facebook status is, "Elizabeth is in a much better mood after the Advent Planning (and other lectionary-related conversations) call with Tiffany," which says a lot about my life and who I am.

In getting dressed for church, I opted for the green v-neck shirt I haven't worn in ages, which actually fit better than I was expecting (I have a bunch of shirts that are snugger than I would really like 'cause I have boobs &etc., but this isn't excessively snug, nor is it as shapeless as some of my more recent set of knit tops are) and I wore my dangly sun-moon earrings just because.  Ari, I thought of you -- 'cause I was essentially dressing up for church.

Liz was back at CHPC for the first time since before her mom died in early October, so before service I went over and hugged her and rubbed her back.

When we sang "Won't You Let Me Be Your Servant?" verse 3 literally made me cry.

I will hold the Christ-light for you in the shadow of your fear;
I will hold my hand out to you, speak the peace you long to hear.

There was a potluck lunch, followed by a report from the Session about the discernment process they've been going through since June.  I kept wanting to say stuff, but I felt like I would just be imposing my agenda... I need to email Karl and be like, "This is why your church is really not working for me."

I came home and was feeling "in love but not at peace" both in terms of interpersonal emo stuff and also "I love church -- love engaging with church and helping to make it better -- but I think maybe I need to leave this particular church."

I was crap at working on my homework/midterm.

I went to CWM.  I did not introduce myself to the people I hadn't met before, even though I knew I really should have.

I chatted with Jordan a bunch.  Over dinner, he was telling Gillis how he loved that my reaction to hearing about the breakup was to ask if it would be okay to lift it up as a prayer concern if he wasn't in church -- and he said to me that he wasn't sure if he was so obscured sitting in the back that I would think he wasn't there, which would have been interesting; I said yeah I made sure to look hard 'cause I was gonna be like, "So prayers for Jordan, who's not with us tonight but who misses us..."  He said he's so still blissed out from the Translating Identities conference that he didn't wanna talk about it tonight, but he'd facebook message me :) and also that he'd had coffee with Tiffany before he left "so it's been lifted."

I chatted with Tiffany for ~20 minutes on my way out.  She said that she really likes my sermons, and that they *sound* like sermons, that she can hear the spaces in between which is really good, they're colloquial (and I think another term I've forgotten -- something about like doing the exegesis) and dialogical.  We talked about my !Call -- she was like, "I don't know anyone who's addicted to writing sermons..."  I told her about my phone conversation with Ari on Friday and how I was like, "Yeah, I need to reevaluate my assessment of my Call or lack thereof," and I said it's ironic because when people do the, "Oh, you're so into church, of course you should go into ordained ministry," while my first response is "but I hate people," my second big reason for why I'm not called to that is that I don't preach -- I do critique, taking things apart, telling people "ur doing it wrong," and that's not preaching.  Tiffany said but I don't do that in my sermons.  I said yeah, I hadn't realized I could do that until I started doing it -- and I talked about how the two things I really try to keep in mind are "What is the Good News?" and "What is the specifically Christian message here?" and she said the urban ministry program she's involved with has ministers talk to seminary students about their field experience but she thinks it would be really good for them to hear from lay people, too, and she talked about how much she appreciates my voice, and she liked my vision for the church sermon (I didn't correct her that that wasn't a sermon but rather a manifesto or something).  So she's gonna talk to the program folks and maybe I could get to tell ministers-to-be how I think they should do part of their job :D \o/

She suggested Lay Speaker certification (or whatever it's called) and I made snarky comments about the guy we had this summer, and she apologized -- and explicitly invited me to Charge Conference (so the District Superintendent would hear feedback from folks besides just the lay leaders).  I told her it was on my calendar :)

She also said that she knows I don't write these sermons to preach them, but that if I wanted to, the pulpit's open, just tell her what Sunday I want ("I know you're lectionary-bound, so...").

In our conversation about how I write sermons, I mentioned how I'll rewrite the lectionary passages to make them more gender-neutral because I have been at CWM so long.  Trufax this church has so affected how I do church (and how I think about church and etc.).

And I was thinking on the way home that whereas at CHPC I feel like I'm so not on the same page as everyone else (at the meeting, people were like "Community!" and "We get recharged here!" and I was thinking, "No one follows up when I stop attending service here; attending service here mostly just frustrates me"), at CWM even though I so often feel like I'm not their target demographic, Tiffany really wants to hear what I have to say and wants to engage with me and wants to nurture my gifts and graces and encourage me to find ways to serve the Church.

So I left evening church feeling really really good -- though also still totally not into doing my homework/midterm.  /o\

Walking home from CWM around 8pm tonight, I thought: (1) I am physically tired. (2) I don't wanna do my discussion board response for class.  The Discussion Board questions are much better than last week's, but I still didn't wanna do them.

I took this class because I'm interested in interfaith/ecumenical issues and in dialogue, but it feels so like an intro class, and I don't wanna regurgitate information.  Thinking about the papers we're going to have to write, I'm not interested in doing research.

I am interested in conversations about theology and liturgy.  At lunch today after Bible Study, Althea asked me how I had the energy to do so much church.  My immediate response is that doing church energizes me.  I keep saying recently that I want to talk about what we (say we) believe and why and how we embody that.  I say this with a passionate desire to have these conversations, and a passionate engagement when I am having these conversations.

I'm glad to be finding where my passions are, even if I don't know how I would turn it into an actual job where I ever to decide to leave my current job (though hey, one step at a time ... it's not like I'm in a rush).  And I'm mostly looking forward to the remainder of my class, which is good (two weeks on Buddhist ethics, then two weeks on Judaism, two weeks on Christianity -- Marcus Borg and John Paul II; plus the prof's chapters on Incarnation, Spirit, and Prayer -- and two weeks on modern Islam).


(And yes, I posted my Discussion Board response about a half an hour ago.  And I actually think it's reasonably good -- though not necessarily A-level -- unlike last week's, which I thought I did a horrid halfway job of, though the TA emailed us later saying she thought we'd all done "a wonderful job")