burning like matchsticks in the face of the darkness

Thursday

On my way in to the office from the gym, I talked to Jen S. (who is apparently just back from maternity leave last week).  We talked about how I go to the gym every morning and how impressive that is and how going to the gym is a good thing AND WE DIDN'T TALK ABOUT WEIGHT AT ALL.  She said she hasn't gotten back to the gym but she always feels like she has so much more energy during the day when she's gone to the gym in the morning -- so I suggested that she just go for 15 minutes (since she was saying it was hard to have the time), get herself moving, get her heart rate up, etc.  I was v. proud of myself.  I thought, as I always do, when people say that, that I didn't notice myself feeling more awake or energized or anything when I started going to the gym, but it occurred to me that I was already doing a  good bit of walking in the morning, so I probably ALREADY had that positive effect at work in my system.

JenS. and GeorgeKevin-at-the-gym both said maybe I don't mind the cold so much because of the way my metaboliosm is as a result of my going to the gym.  I didn't bother pointing out that my metabolism has always been this way.

I spent this morning not charging $200/hr.

New today: Baked potato bar in the food court.  Which is remarkably filling when you take like an entire salad bar worth of toppings.  (I was skeptical at first because the potatoes were like fist-sized and you could only take one two.)
All 3 conference rooms were occupied, but Katie had the bright idea that we could use the tall tables and chairs that are by the coffee.

I spent this afternoon actually doing my job.

Cate and I went to Taming of the Shrew (see previous entry).  I got home around 11pm, hence not posting.

Friday

It snowed in the morning.

A few minutes before 5, Scott -- whom I hadn't seen all week -- showed up.  We hugged and twirled 540 degrees because I fail at 360.  I told him about sermon-writing and he said, "I wasn't tagged in that facebook note," and I said, "Because we're not facebook friends -- I looked for you on facebook a while back and couldn't find you."  So he logged on to facebook (where we learned that there are 5 people with my name but with the surname spelled the other way, and 5 people -- myself included -- with my name who spell the surname my way) and friended me.  Can I say how much I love that his response to my telling him about my having finished my sermon was, "Why haven't I gotten to read it?"

We chatted for like 20 minutes and then walked to the T together.  As we were leaving campus, my housemate called me to tell me that we had no power.  Her phone number's the one one file with National Grid for our apartment, so she'd gotten a voicemail about this -- indicating we wouldn't have power until ~2am (flames 25 feet high and flying manhole covers -- good times).  She had called Rachel before she called me, and Rachel said we could stay with them.

I felt like I would have been okay spending the night with no heat (that's what blankets are for, after all) but just in packing an overnight bag I realized how irritating it was to try to do anything in the dark.  [On my way home, ~6pm, I passed a house where people had trufac lit candles.  Yeah, we are at the time of year where the sun sets around 6pm.]

I love the tight twirl I HAVE MISSED YOU hugs I get from Scott, and I also really enjoy the boyfriendy "it is good to see you" hug-cuddle that I got from Jason when I showed up at Local 50.

We joined their foodler order from Lilly's Gourmet Pasta.  I got spinach gnocchi with pink vodka sauce -- v. tasty (though I thought I asked for Sundried Tomatoes and instead I got halved Cherry Tomatoes).  Later, Ricky made us all Caipirinha.  Eh, alcoholic sugar water is not so much my thing,

The ALCS game was on the tv, which I was so uninterested in, so I played on my computer (Cate says my laptop is sexy), including checking out Scott's facebook profile.  As a preface to making commentary, I explained that that he's my favorite doctoral student and blah blah blah.  The first thing Rachel said was, "Why aren't you dating him?"  ♥

Saturday

The day was sunny and often warmer than I had expected, which was good.

Kim and James did the bulk of the work of helping Allie move, but once we were unloading the van I felt like I was being useful enough to merit my taking up space there.

We read from 14,000 things to be happy about (revised and updated) while we waited for Alma.  ...  Interesting.

We broke for lunch at Bloc 11.  I got The Maple -- which I hadn't realized was a salad.  They gave it to me in a takeaway container because they were out of salad plates, which was actually good as I ended up taking some home (I did have a late breakfast of 2 egg&cheese sandwiches from Dunkin's).

Ari called me ~4pm.
We talked for 2 hours.  ♥
In telling a story, I said, "especially since he's been socialized as a guy."  Ari said, "I love that we're so careful about our language around gender -- and by 'us' I mean 'you'."  I said, "I was actually going to say that I think one of the big reasons I am so careful with language around gender is because of you -- because it is so frequently a part of our conversations."

Sunday

~4pm, it looked like clumps of snow were falling outside my window.  It then appeared to have dissipated, but when I was on facebook later the recent statuses of local friends confirmed that I had not been hallucinating.  (And at 4:16pm my mom TEXTED me.)  ~4:30 it had resumed in earnest, so I got to walk in it all the way to church.  I kept telling myself, "It's October; I should be upset about this," but I kept giggling and singing to myself "This is the day that the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it."

***

( gym: Oct. 13-16 )

I had a bunch of weird dreams this which I think translate as: working through complicated things like a grownup.  But I wouldn't swear to that.

After work, I opted to just go home rather than doing any of the not very pressing errands I had planned.  I'm not sure how much this was being avoidant and how much it was responsibly attending to my desire to get to bed early tonight (I know it's some of the latter, I'm just not sure about the percentage split).

***

"Joy Sadhana is a daily practice in the observation of joy."
-mylittleredgirl [more info]

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." -Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

Five good things about today:
1. It's Sara's birthday today, and we went to UpStairs on the Square for lunch.  We did not get seated in the pink room, which I was v. okay with.  Where we were was purple and green and nice -- and had a fireplace (whose lack of grating made me a bit nervous).
It's Restaurant Week (where was I that I couldn't go to Restaurant Week with Cailin last year?  *checks email*  oh yeah, it was August), which we hadn't realized.  I wasn't particularly grabbed by anything on the RW menu except the "famous" Macaroni and Cheese, though. I ultimately decided to get the $15 veggie burger -- in part to see how it stacked up against the $11 veggie burger I had at Channel Cafe.  I prefer Channel Cafe's.  The vegan mayo at UpStairs was phenomenal, though.  Kate and Erin shared their macaroni and cheese with me, and it was definitely tasty.  (UpStairs also serves 4 kinds of absinthe, though I don't like absinthe enough to pay those prices.)  Found poking the internet later: Spring Vegan Dinners at UpStairs
2. Two RAs I hadn't met before -- Erin and Dave -- joined us, and I enjoyed them.  We talked about Shepard Fairey and Simmons' MBA program and Watchmen and various other things.  And I successfully found them on facebook :)  I have mixed feelings about facebook, but one of its positive functions is being able to basically "bookmark" people you would like to stay in touch with.
3. catching up on xkcd (Alternative Energy Revolution, Two Mirrors, Not Enough Work, Pirate Bay, Correlation)
4. phone call with Ari
5. going to bed early!
6. Tiffany replied to my email and commented that she would be praying for me, too, which it actually hadn't occurred to me to ask for, even though I've been paying attention to how this emotional stress is affecting me and how I should take care of myself.

Three things I did well today:
1. I got up with my alarm, did my requisite morning stuff and went to the ( gym )
2. I reassured Sara about something this morning.
3. mjules was talking about the misogynistic attitude of the narrator in Left Hand of Darkness, and we had the following exchange:

me: oyceter being like my preliminary go-to for race and gender in sff ('cause she does lots of book/tv/etc. writeups), I looked up her tags... http://oyceter.livejournal.com/161557.html
mjules: You are so freaking resourceful.

4. I washed my dirty dishes (yay not having to use my housemate's spoons).

Two things I am looking forward to (doing [better]) tomorrow:
["anything that you're looking forward to, that means you're facing tomorrow with joy, not trepidation," as Ari says]
1. being better-rested
2. spending an evening with Allie

It was pretty out this morning, snow covered.  It was more like rain when I walked to work (I didn't notice, except that my glasses were getting spotted and my hair falling wet in my face), and I wasn't a huge fan of the slush.  But my socks didn't get soggy enough for me to regret not having brought a pair of dry socks, and my hair managed to dry well, so win.

I didn't wanna go to the weight room, but I went, and did 25+ min.  Low weights, but I don't have shame about that since I've been away for a couple weeks and weight training has never been my forte.

Didn't facebook used to have an option to say that you knew someone from having met at an event?  I looked up a couple of the guys I met at MCC SF (can't find Chris, who was arguably my favorite) and am just putting in "MCC SF" in the "Other" option.

RED class canceled tonight due to weather.  (It was clear when I left work, but I respect Diane's choice to make an early call -- she emailed at like 7am -- and to err conservatively.)  Laurel went to LEM, so we met up around 8pm at Tealuxe.  When she first suggested this I regretted not having brought a book, but then I remembered that I can has bff phone call.

At Tealuxe, I tried the Vanilla Green Tea (was gonna try the Silver Needles White Tea, but they were out).  I'm not entirely certain I let it steep long enough, and I was like halfway through the 16oz drink before it was really cooled off enough to drink comfortably; oh well.  I also bought a Vegan Chocolate Banana Cranberry muffin at the counter on a whim (I had an apples-grapes-Brie crepe at Mr. Crepe for dinner, so I wasn't wicked full), which was v. tasty.

***

Rest and Bread ("Epiphany")

There's music and meditation starting at 6pm -- service starting at 6:15.  Tonight, the CD was of string versions of "Great is Thy Faithfulness" and a couple other hymns I couldn't quite place.  [Finlandia!  Snippets of the words were running through my head, but I could pin down enough of them to Google.  1:39am I remembered the tune.  Turns out I was misremembering pieces of the verse "My country's skies are bluer than the ocean, / And sunlight beams on cloverleaf and pine. / But other lands have sunlight too and clover, / And skies are everywhere as blue as mine."]

Call to Worship
    [One] People of God, Jesus said, "I am the light of the world.  Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life."
    [People] We have seen the light of Christ like a star shining in the sky; and like the Magi, we have come to worship.
    [All] Glory be to God.

The "Psalm" was Isaiah 60:1-6.  Which first verse immediately felt familiar -- Messiah, I presume.  "Arise, shine; for your light has come, and the glory of God has risen upon you."

The Sacred Text was the poem "how good it is to center down" from Meditation of the Heart by Howard Thurman.  The bit that struck me was (excerpt from the first Google result):

The questions persist: what are we doing with our lives? -
What are the motives that order our day?
What is the end in our doings?  Where are we trying to go?
Where do we put the emphasis and where are our values focused?
For what end do we make sacrifices?  Where is my treasure and what do I love most in life?
What do I hate most in life and to what am I true?
Over and over the questions beat in the waiting moment.

Keith did the Reflection, and he talked about Epiphany (at which first reference Laura Ruth looked at me and smiled, 'cause I'd given her an SF church report before service, and had lamented that Glide didn't do anything for Epiphany -- though I said I understood the rationale behind focusing a sermon on New Year's Resolutions -- and I said I'd also been knee-jerk reacting against an emphasis on January 1 in church settings ever since Ari pointed out this year that the Christian New Year begins at the beginning of Advent).  He talked about how Epiphany is about God manifesting Godself, and about how we find the story of the Magi (foreigners) in Matthew, which is a very Jewish gospel, written for a very Jewish audience (the idea of Christ being revealed to the "outsider" is I think my favorite Epiphany theme).  He connected this to the Thurman poem about centering and questions and the Isaiah text about light (in a way which reminded me some of the MCC SF sermon about finding the light within you that will guide you -- which sounds more secularly self-centered phrased that way than the sermon actually was) and it wasn't tied together neatly enough for me to have good notes, but I was impressed that he managed to tie it together enough for me to feel reasonably satisfied.

When I emailed Laura Ruth last week, I mentioned how afterwards Ari had commented about how there was a responsive that wasn't in the bulletin, and lo, in the bulletin this time:
    The Sharing of the Sacrament
    One: The Gifts of God for the People of God.
    All: Thanks be to God.

However, during the Words of Institution, Jesus said of both the Bread and the Cup, that they were a "symbol" and I winced, recalling Ari's experience at the MCC in Wichita [locked entry].  I brought this up to Laura Ruth after the service -- saying I was all pleased that she'd added that in to the bulletin and I was all prepared to tell her that and ask how Sunday went (she was preaching) and now I had to complain.  She said that ["that" = my complaining to her] was fine, and that there was a pastoral reason for the unorthodox liturgy.  I said I respected that and having raised my complaint would let it go.  I thought later of how Marla has said she can't take Communion anywhere besides CWM 'cause she can't handle the "sanctification of broken bodies," but I feel like Rest & Bread and CWM have similar Words of Institution.  [shrugs]

Laura Ruth's Blessing & Benediction said something about asking for God's help that we not fall asleep, which really struck me because I've been thinking recently about how to be with people when I'm helpless to do anything -- particularly how it's hard when I'm not physically proximal and thus can't physically hold them for comfort -- and how I'm so bad at praying (at that kind of focus) and this morning I think it was I literally thought of the Maundy Thursday Taize-ish "Stay here with me. Watch and pray."

After service, Laura Ruth thanked me again for having come early last week -- said that knowing how to help (and doing it) was truly being a "Christian citizen."

***

Speaking of not falling asleep... how many hours of post-Tealuxe gchatting was that?  [goes to bed]

I like going to Singspiration to get to see various UCNers I'm fond of, and I don't actively dislike the music though I don't always love it.

Looking at the program this time, I noticed that Stacie whom JoeF loves so much is from "Community Baptist Church, Somerville," which is one of the churches on that College Ave. drag.  She's been at Singspiration a number of times before, but this is the first time I've attended Singspiration since I moved.

I still have a problem with the hymn "The Potter's House."  Stephanie read the Scripture it was inspired by, and I really like the Scripture with its implication that we are always works in progress and God can always work in our lives, but the hymn is about the Potter fixing the broken pieces of our lives, and while I realize that the broken pieces imagery is powerful, a potter can't really do much with dry pieces of clay.

Partly in an effort to stay out of people's way (I really had intended to go chat with my grandma for a few minutes) I stood in a corner chatting with Elyse (sophomore at Gordon) for most of the night.  At one point we were talking about college roommates, and in talking about how I was glad to get a single I was very conscious that I didn't mention not having to worry about being around when my roommate and her girlfriend were having a fight, 'cause I was really worried that I would state it in a way that would imply my problem was with my roommate having a girlfriend.  Ugh.  I hate the way that I tacitly closet myself and others out of cowardice.

At the end of the night I still hadn't had a chance to talk to JoeF (my mom and I had said hi briefly on our way in before the program) and he was talking with a couple guys, so I figured I'd just get a "Hey kiddo, good to see you," but they dispersed and he walked over with me to a corner.

Reiterating his wonderful card [scroll down for the blockquote], he said that the last time he saw me he thought I looked radiant, and that he still thinks so.  I refrained from saying anything snarky like "So what did I look like before?" 'cause I know he didn't mean that I looked bad before.  I don't have anything in specific that I can point to as a joyful turning point in my life, but I really am well settled in a content kind of place in my life.  Certainly I'm no longer in the stressful liminal space of job-/apartment-hunting (though in some ways we are always living in liminal spaces).

We had a really nice chat about various things.  I continue to love his affection for the older people who used to be this church.  At one point, after saying that he's conservative, he said that his wife and daughter disagree with his columns, which surprised me in part because his wife did join UCN.  I've really gotta actually read some of his columns at some point  ::Googles to find out which paper it is he writes for::  The Herald?  I wasn't expecting that.  Sorry; I just don't think very highly of the Herald.  Anyway, I really admire and respect his good heart, and his enthusiasm and compassion, and his integrity.  I said a lot of this during our conversation but will probably write him an actual letter because I'm like that -- along with an open dinner invitation.

I was talking with JoanR and she asked about my helping at the church fair.  I said I would probably get roped into it (and I honestly don't mind all that much).  Turns out it's Dec. 2 -- the Saturday of the weekend of the Palmer Chair Massage class I was planning to take but hadn't registered for yet (am actually not entirely sure I can take it 'cause I'm not an enrolled student of theirs, and I won't be any less eligible on April 7&8 -- when it's offered again -- than I am now).  It occurs to me now that this also means I'll be home almost every weekend in December -- 'cause the next Singspiration is Fri. Dec. 8.  Though I'll probably do Friday night/Saturday day, so it's not like they'll eat up my weekends awfully.

In other news, I added "Religious Views" to my facebook profile: "wrestling with faith [low church Protestant]" (and deleted my website link, 'cause the connectyness was making me anxious).

Speaking of facebook... ah the Campaign Issue function.  It actually makes me really happy to see people with religious objections to homosexuality arguing that same-sex couples should be able to have the same legal rights opposite-sex married couples have, just with a different name.  I know it smacks of "separate but equal," but I would honestly support, for all couples, making "marriage" an exclusively religious term with the married-by-a-justice-of-the-peace part being just a "civil union" -- or whatever the terminology of choice, but with the exact same legal function that civil marriage currently has.  [Yes it still makes me somewhat uncomfortable because I know the push for that mostly comes from people who really believe that same-sex unions are an abomination to God, but this really seems to me the sensible way to separate out the religious and secular aspects of "marriage."]  Um, yeah.  The point of that was going to just be that my brother does me proud sometimes even when we disagree, but there you go.

My brother and i went to church on Sunday and god, it was so gorgeous out -- everything covered in white, including fluffy trees. Yeah, this is so my season.

Clearly facebook is the answer to everything.
e-j: a commitment for change wants you...

Went to Kate’s Sunday afternoon. We started with the much-talked-about 10th Kingdom. I much approve. Plus, yay for more material for my seminar paper :)

Then we watched Legend. Um, yeah. Kate spent a lot of it thinking about German Romanticism, and i spent a lot of it thinking about C. S. Lewis’ idea that evil is only a perversion of good. The idea that the unicorns have hearts of pure goodness and light in combination with the absolutist yet ostensibly balance-driven world of the movie was also interesting. I thought about the idea that knowledge brings lack of innocence, that becoming an adult means losing your childlike connection with nature etc. and how that’s in tension with the traditional idea that unicorns are both pure and good and also wise and ancient, and i thought about Lewis’ idea (particularly as expressed in Perelandra) that one can learn about sin through sinning but there is also God’s way of knowing about sin which is beyond or outside or something of sin.
The dance scene is hott, but not necessarily worth watching the rest of the movie for.
IMDb Trivia: The sound of the unicorns at play is actually a recording of humpback whales.

The next day we watched Evita, which i liked a lot more than i had expected to. I was expecting a paean like unto Princess Diana and was much pleased at the undercutting. Narrative interloper! "Falling over ourselves to get all of the misery right." Yeah, i was in heart (with him) from early on. In the credits, he’s named Ché, which worried me, because he’s totally written so that you love him, and if he’s supposed to be Che Guevara, then that encourages you to automatically transfer your love of the character to love for the historical personage, which is troubling. Apparently in the stage musical, it is the famous Guevara, but not in the film, that in Argentina "Che" is a commonly used slang, so in the film he’s just an ordinary Argentine.

Kate says i’m a bad person to watch sad movies with. Dude, i’m That Bitch who hates everything, but i totally cry at the drop of a hat. I just didn’t cry at this. I actually was teary at the beginning, but not at the end.

Emma insisted that we watch a happy movie afterward. We were gonna watch the Faerie Tale Theatre Sleeping Beauty for the flamingly gay fairy, but Kate didn’t have it, so we watched The Emperor's New Groove, which i fully expected to hate, but which i actually ended up enjoying. During much of the previous movies, Kate an/dor Emma would say “S/he’s awesome,” and i would say, “But s/he’s evil.” However, in this movie, i was all, “Why do people have to be so damn moral? Please get rid of the schmuck already.” Also: “Dude, all you do is dance and be self-centered? Why not let her run your kingdom?” The answer was “Because she’s evil,” and i get that, but honestly, she’s just coded as evil by being (a) in opposition to the protagonist, (b) skinny and old and in dark clothes. (Why yes, i did retain things from my Grimms to Disney class ;) ) Yeah, she shows herself to be evil as it goes on, but at the beginning she’s just coded as “scary beyond all reason” and i was far more keen to get rid of the “annoying and obnoxious beyond all reason.” I did in fact cease hating him at some point during the movie, though, and i enjoyed a lot of the early movie because he gets what he deserves.
IMDb Trivia: According to the DVD Commentary, this is the first Disney Animated Feature to show a pregnant woman.

Kate says i’m “a movie curmudgeon.” :P

Hmm, i was gonna go visit the high school today, but now i kinda don’t feel like it. Think i may stay home and try to finish my ficathon fics (and figure out what i want for lunch). I’m probably going to go to Class Act tonight, and then it’s off to Virginia tomorrow morning, back late Saturday night.

"Is Hollins ready for hermionesviolin? :D :D :D Ohmygosh, I'm so excited. Yay for running with crazy whims on occasion. And for chaplain networking and, just, GLEE!"
-sk8eeyore

So yeah, i LJ knowing that feasibly anyone could find what i've written. I don't go out of my way to share it with, say, my grandparents, but i own what i post. I hardly go out of my way to hide my "real life" identity, and this journal and my fic journal link back to each other. However, this creeps me out. Theoretically being pseudo-stalked is kinda flattering, but this is just fucking weird.