hermionesviolin: a close-up crop of a Laurel Long illustration of a lion, facing serenely to one side (Aslan)
At CAUMC last night, we read a portion of the "Broken" chapter of Nouwen's book. Excerpt:
Living our brokenness under the curse means that we experience our pain as a confirmation of our negative feelings about ourselves. It is like saying, "I always suspected that I was useless or worthless, and now I am sure of it because of what is happening to me." There is always something in us searching for an explanation for what takes place in our lives and, if we have already yielded to the temptation to self-reflection, then every form of misfortune only deepens it. [...] It is so arduous to live without an answer to this "Why?" that we are easily seduced into connecting the events over which we have no control with our conscious or unconscious evaluation. When we have cursed ourselves or have allowed others to curse us, it is very tempting to explain all the brokenness we experience as an expression or confirmation of this curse. Before we fully realize it, we have already said to ourselves: "You see, I always thought I was no good.... Now I know for sure. The facts of life prove it."
Nouwen goes on to talk about placing our brokenness under the blessing, and I felt like he was arguing redemptive suffering, which I was uncomfortable with. Sean's interpretation (as a way to not have it have that problematic "suffering is redemptive" message) was: in the process there is suffering and there is redemption; also, God loves us in all of us, not just the "good."
Sean referenced (from memory) Mary Oliver's "Wild Geese" -- "You do not have to be good..." and also the part about how you don't have have to walk on your knees for miles -- both the idea that we are beloved even in our not-so-fine moments (SCBC's signboard a few weeks ago said, "God loves you when no one else will" -- I felt it should have said "even when...") and also that we don't have to do that hairshirt thing.

***

As I was walking home last Thursday, I was thinking about people I love being SO BROKEN, and feeling struck by how this didn't threaten my belief in God at all. (Mental illness is in tension with my belief in God because people are broken, but not broken by anything, so there's nothing to blame but how can the God I affirm allow this to happen? The one time I remember REALLY being emotionally rocked by it was about two and a half years ago when I found out that a beloved's beloved had been diagnosed with an eating disorder.)

I went to bed around 11 last night. L. called around 11:30, apologizing for calling so late, but feeling really panicked and anxious re: something she didn't feel comfortable calling any of her West Coast people about. I asked if she wanted me to come over. She said something about not wanting to keep me up late, and I didn't explain that what I had had meant was that I would come over and sleep in her apartment/bed so she wouldn't be alone. She said her apartment's a disaster anyway and so she wouldn't want anyone to come over (and I have learned when not to argue with people about that, when to just respect their personal comfort level). So I asked if she wanted to come over to my apartment. So she had some food (she had fallen asleep watching tv, and that always crashes her blood sugar, which she knew was contributing to her panic and anxiety when she woke up) and then drove over and stayed on our couch for about an hour.

I didn't say much except repeating that yes it was a scary situation and no she wasn't stupid to be so freaked out and that her waking me up and coming over were fine. And I was able to recognize that I didn't need to say anything besides that, didn't need to have the perfect words to enable her to let go of her anxiety, that just listening to her was enough. (Well, and I sat near her and rubbed her back when we were sitting next to each other and rubbed her knee when we were cross-legged facing each other.)

As I am forever quoting...

I learned that whatever we say means nothing,
what anyone will remember is that we came,


It's been a particularly dominant theme recently that people I love reach out to me first when they're in crisis. No matter what I do or fail to do in my "real job" (either now or any job I have in the future), this is reason enough for my being on this earth.

In looking up the poem to make sure I quoted it exactly, I was struck by this bit:

Like a doctor I learned to create
from another's suffering my own usefulness, and once
you know how to do this, you can never refuse.
To every house you enter, you must offer
healing: a chocolate cake you baked yourself,
the blessing of your voice, your chaste touch.


***

This morning I happened upon a Magpie Girl blog post, Quiten Down: How to Shut Up your Gremlins. Excerpt:
“Gremlin” is the term coined in Taming Your Gremlin by Rick Carson. It’s a way of describing the little voices in your head that tell you untrue things. This American Life did a great piece on Gremlins called The Devil In Me. In the second act Nancy Updike asks people what the little voice inside their heads is telling them. The answers are at turns tragic, stunning, and most of all, utterly familiar. Go ahead and have a listen. We’ll wait…

Are you back? Did you hear your own Gremlins in there? I know I did.

When my life coach, Jena Strong, first suggested that I started working with my Gremlins, I wanted to throw the book at her head. I couldn’t pin my Gremlins down long enough to find out if they had girl parts or boy parts; I couldn’t read their name tags; and doggonit, they were LEGION! My Gremlins? They were very, VERY noisy.

Then Jen suggested that I take all the voices in my head and make hash marks. In any given day how many times did my Gremlins say something nice to me, and how many times did they say something negative? I tried this. After 48 hours I did not have one single hash mark in the positive column. The negative column on the other hand was quite lively.

Jen said that since my Gremlins were so very busy, maybe I should build them somewhere to go after work. After all, they did have my best intentions at heart. They were trying to protect me – to keep me from doing anything scary, or potentially painful, or too awfully adventuresome. So maybe I should give them a nice shag carpet and, in the words of Jena “sit them down and pour them a stiff drink already.”

So I did. I made them a crash pad in the charming urban-decay style. Wall paper, gilt mirrors, and battery operated twinkly lights…I spared no expense. As I worked on this mansion for the little demons, my un-namable Gremlins began to take dimension and shape. They became less ethereal, and more manageable. Soon the legion was happily ensconced in a pretty little Gremlin dollhouse.

Now that I was a full five feet taller than they were, I felt empowered. I could totally kick their butts. Like Jen says, if they misbehave I could just send them to paperdoll Gitmo.

I rapidly discovered I was not at all pleased that Gremlin Blythe had allowed the other Gremlins to propagate, so I made her put everybody on a neat little leash. The next step was to let the Gremlins take ownership of their own messages, so they didn’t rattle around in my busy little mind. I’ve always adored those little slips of paper that come in fortune cookies, so I cut a whole stack of them and put them next to a tin in the Gremlin dollhouse. Here are just some of the messages that filled that tin up in the first few hours:

“Where you are is not good enough.”
“You never get enough done.”
“Your passions aren’t strong enough.”
“You can’t climb out of this confusion.”
“You never finish anything.”
“WHIMP.”

Now, keep in mind that I have been writing, reading, and carrying around affirmations to counter these messages for weeks. But something about writing them down in their negative, shitty versions was totally empowering. Now they belonged not to me, but to this third person – the Gremlins. They weren’t mine to have and to hold, and they weren’t mine to carry. Now Blythe and her crew could tuck them away on their bookshelf and keep them dusted and alphabetized. Not. My. Problem.

I cannot tell you strongly enough how much of a breakthrough this has been for me. My noisy Gremlins are much quieter these days, and when they do start getting chatty I act like a staff writer from the Evening Post—I just make the report. The quote gets shorthaneded onto a slip of paper and tucked into their dollhouse. End of story.
hermionesviolin: a white/grey otter in water, smiling/waving at the viewer (Patronus)
Yesterday afternoon, Carolyn emailed me to say she has shingles and so couldn't go to church on Sunday and asked me to lift up various prayers for her.  One of these was for a woman she shared a taxi with Thursday morning, and I thought about how far we expand the circle of whom we are praying for when we as a community lift up all those who are on our hearts.  I'd recently seen on friendfriends someone complaining about the way Joys & Concerns worked at her church, commenting that, "we really don't need to know your neighbor's hamster died."  Admittedly, I made a similar complaint the one time I went to ASC, but I think that ultimately I come down on the side of people lifting up those joys and concerns that are on their hearts (I know I don't lift up every single thing I'm praying about, and I think that's legitimate, but I'm hesitant around explicitly or even implicitly censoring people -- though obviously people take cues from the community, which isn't necessarily a bad thing).

At CHPC this morning, MaryR. said that she came to church today with a heavy heart, that her brother-in-law who had recently had a double lung transplant and has been fighting really hard (and who has five children) isn't going to make it.  She literally broke down in tears partway through, which almost never happens when folks are lifting up their Prayer Concerns.  I was watching her crying quietly and dabbing her eyes with a tissue after she'd finished, and I felt like someone should go hug her, but I'm always hesitant not wanting to make people uncomfortable if maybe they'd rather not have someone with them, but a couple other people lifted up prayers and no one moved to sit with her and so I went up and put one arm around her and sat next to her.  She put one arm around me, so I decided that was sufficient indication that she actively appreciated it and wasn't just politely putting up with my efforts.

After service was over, Paul and Hilary were the first people to come over, and Paul said to me that was a good thing I did, and I thanked him.

I got an email tonight:
Subject: support today

Hi Elizabeth,
Thank you so much for your support today in church. It was so kind of you as I grieved the impending loss of my brother-in-law.  I had just heard the news as I arrived at church so had not had a chance to deal with it. I really appreciated your being there.
Blessings to you and warm regards,
Mary
hermionesviolin: photoshoot image of Emma Caulfield (who plays Anya), looking to the right and smiling, with text "I do it for the joy it brings" (i do it for the joy it brings)
Last Monday, I said, "This really feels like a spiritual practice... being with people in their pain."

My mother said, as she has said before,
That is one of my dominant spiritual practices -- tho I don't generally think of it as a "practice" exactly. I think of it as standing on holy ground doing sacred work.

I think it is the most precious work you can ever do.
This past Sunday, Laura Ruth preached "Walking With You Is My Prayer." She had been back just a few days, having spent over a week in Ontario vigiling with her partner Meck as Meck's father neared death, and Meck remained in Ontario as her father remained. The Scripture text was the Road to Emmaus.

I read the text of the sermon on Wednesday. Girl can preach. One thing I was really impressed by in her sermon was her raw, honest, listing of so many different kinds of Good Friday places we can experience. Anyway, excerpt:
What in God’s name do we do after catastrophe? What do we do after we have held our breath, after we wail with grief and misery, after we condemn ourselves for what we could have done or left undone, should have done or not done, but didn’t. After we blame, and point fingers, after we plot about how to get even, or after we drug ourselves with our usual substances and distractions? In that void that comes after that last breath, what do we do?

What do we do?

We walk.

ExpandRead more... )

It doesn’t matter if we believe a little or if we believe a lot. What matters is the practice of walking in community, noticing the arrival, perceiving the constant availability of the divine.
***
Beginning at tonight's Rest and Bread Service, we're back to our pre-Lenten service, of scripture, reflection, communion, and singing "Abide With Me." We hope you will come and fall into that familiar place that allows deep prayer and meditation.

Also beginning tonight, Keith and I will center our reflections on the biographies and witness of people in the Bible. Tonight, we will breathe into Jonah and his story.
When I got that email that morning, I thought, "I have missed Rest and Bread!" even though I only missed last week; I suspect what I really mean is, "I have missed Laura Ruth!"

I hugged her a LOT.

After service she said I seemed really good. Part of me was amused because the one time that I responded to "How are you?" with, "I've been better," she looked like horrified, so my sense is that she thinks of me as always being good (which I usually am, plus the contexts in which I see her make me happy), but I was really feeling bubbling over joyful. I dunno if it's 'cause I'm at the end of my period or if I just needed to recoup from [redacted v. Holy Saturday] or just what, but I'll definitely take this.

---

Psalm 104:24-35
Chapters 1-2 of the Book of Jonah

Listening to the story being read, one of the things that struck me was that Jonah went downstairs in boat and fell asleep -- because recently in SCBC we had a session on Jesus calming the storm. I was also struck by the fact that Jonah asks them to throw him overboard -- which is this big deal (they pray to Jonah's God to forgive them for shedding innocent blood) and I wonder why he didn't just jump overboard himself (possibly it's metaphorical about how we can know what the right thing to do is but can't bring ourselves to actually do it).

In her Reflection, Laura Ruth mentioned Baghdad when talking about Nineveh, which wiki suggests is not exactly true, but it just something she mentioned in passing and it is true that it's in modern-day Iraq.
She said that midrash says that the people in the boat dipped Jonah in to the water slowly and as they did the storm got progressively calmer so they knew they were doing the right thing. Midrash is awesome :)
She commented that Jonah is from same place as Jesus (Gath-hepher is near Nazareth) and both spent 3 days in an enclosed space... I rolled my eyes.
She commented that this is the story that's read on Yom Kippur -- which I had either not realized or had forgotten.
She invited us to reflect on times when we run away from where God is calling us to go. I appreciated her map, where she's like, "Here's Jonah, here's Nineveh [a couple inches northeast], here's Tarshish [a couple inches west]."

I was struck by Jenny's prayers during Prayers of the People:
"All those affected by the new flu virus and those who live in fear because of it."
"All the people I've seen on the streets recently asking for money who aren't the regulars -- and for the regulars, too."

---

Earlier that day, musesfool had posted:
Things to Do in the Belly of the Whale
-Dan Albergotti

Measure the walls. Count the ribs. Notch the long days.
Look up for blue sky through the spout. Make small fires
with the broken hulls of fishing boats. Practice smoke signals.
Call old friends, and listen for echoes of distant voices.
Organize your calendar. Dream of the beach. Look each way
for the dim glow of light. Work on your reports. Review
each of your life's ten million choices. Endure moments
of self-loathing. Find the evidence of those before you.
Destroy it. Try to be very quiet, and listen for the sound
of gears and moving water. Listen for the sound of your heart.
Be thankful that you are here, swallowed with all hope,
where you can rest and wait. Be nostalgic. Think of all
the things you did and could have done. Remember
treading water in the center of the still night sea, your toes
pointing again and again down, down into the black depths.
***

Jason and I went to Highland Kitchen [yelp] for dinner.

I considered getting a Mai Tai Dragon (Sailor Jerry Rum, orange Curaçcao, almond syrup and lime juice) but opted instead to get a Dorchester (vodka, triple sec, pink lemonade). It mostly tasted like vodka, which I suppose I should not be surprised by.

I ordered the vegetarian lasagna (which, contrary to the online menu -- which is on a myspace page, wtf? -- is not a butternut squash lasagna) which was good (though I'm not certain it was $16 good) though I would barely know because I was talking nonstop for a large portion of dinner. I am not used to the getting-to-know-you game and am bad at coming up with questions to ask people, but I enjoy talking about myself at great length :)

We got the banana bread pudding for dessert, which was also good.

I was surprised at how full the restaurant was for a Wednesday night (though at Jason's request we got a booth, which was much nicer than a two-person table would have been) and learned how much a cab is from there to my house ('cause it would have been like a 40-minute walk or 2 busses).

And I went to bed later than is optimal for me given when I get up in the morning, but I am okay with that.
hermionesviolin: (self)
I walked to work.  I considered taking the bus, but I decided the walkways were manageable (that the ice was often uneven made walking far less treacherous).  I am often mega lazy and avoidant, but I am also mega stubborn.  I fell on my ass twice (once on College Ave. and once on JFK St.) and still went to the gym (though I didn't do quite a full routine 'cause of soreness).

***

"Joy Sadhana is a daily practice in the observation of joy."
-[livejournal.com profile] mylittleredgirl [more info]


Do not be afraid, I am with you
I have called you each by name
Come and follow Me
I will bring you home
I love you and you are mine
     -"You Are Mine" (David Haas)


Five good things about today:
1. B praised my handling of Recruiting this year (even with "the fuckup that ruined Saturday").
2. A friend of mine repeatedly thanked me for being so supportive -- and I was touched but simultaneously thrown because I didn't feel like I'd done anything beyond just of course what I would have done (as I articulated this as an Affirmation at CAUMC tonight, I recalled how I had nearly this exact same dynamic with L. around her move).
     i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
     my heart)

3. Katie and I did get to walk to the T together after work and talk.  Not terribly long as she had dinner plans, but given today we actually probably had less to say than we would have yesterday.  And there is talk of brunch on Saturday.
4. Laurie was at CAUMC, which was a totally unexpected bonus (I haven't seen her since Thanksgiving).  At Affirmations, she said that she thinks about me a lot, and said that I'm not conventional but that I'm very comfortable(?) in who I am.
4.5. Sean left vegetarian chili for dinner, and I was concerned that I wouldn't like it (tomato, spice, etc.) but it was actually v. good (and there was also sour cream to add to it).
5. I RSVPed (again) for tomorrow night, and Jeff replied, "Looking forward to sharing the meal and time with you!  It was really fantastic to see you again, and to get your amazing hugs! :)  See ya tomorrow!"

Three things I did well today:
1. [gym] ~25min weight room
2. I'm a good friend.
3. I did the Lilith reading for tomorrow.

Two things I am looking forward to (doing [better]) tomorrow:
["anything that you're looking forward to, that means you're facing tomorrow with joy, not trepidation," as Ari says]
1. Lilith book group
2. reading friends' "25 Random Things About Me" notes on facebook
hermionesviolin: photo shoot image of Amber Benson (who played Tara on Buffy) seated with her chin resting in one of her hands, with animated text "sit and listen" (meditate)
It was pretty out this morning, snow covered.  It was more like rain when I walked to work (I didn't notice, except that my glasses were getting spotted and my hair falling wet in my face), and I wasn't a huge fan of the slush.  But my socks didn't get soggy enough for me to regret not having brought a pair of dry socks, and my hair managed to dry well, so win.

I didn't wanna go to the weight room, but I went, and did 25+ min.  Low weights, but I don't have shame about that since I've been away for a couple weeks and weight training has never been my forte.

Didn't facebook used to have an option to say that you knew someone from having met at an event?  I looked up a couple of the guys I met at MCC SF (can't find Chris, who was arguably my favorite) and am just putting in "MCC SF" in the "Other" option.

RED class canceled tonight due to weather.  (It was clear when I left work, but I respect Diane's choice to make an early call -- she emailed at like 7am -- and to err conservatively.)  Laurel went to LEM, so we met up around 8pm at Tealuxe.  When she first suggested this I regretted not having brought a book, but then I remembered that I can has bff phone call.

At Tealuxe, I tried the Vanilla Green Tea (was gonna try the Silver Needles White Tea, but they were out).  I'm not entirely certain I let it steep long enough, and I was like halfway through the 16oz drink before it was really cooled off enough to drink comfortably; oh well.  I also bought a Vegan Chocolate Banana Cranberry muffin at the counter on a whim (I had an apples-grapes-Brie crepe at Mr. Crepe for dinner, so I wasn't wicked full), which was v. tasty.

***

Rest and Bread ("Epiphany")

There's music and meditation starting at 6pm -- service starting at 6:15.  Tonight, the CD was of string versions of "Great is Thy Faithfulness" and a couple other hymns I couldn't quite place.  [Finlandia!  Snippets of the words were running through my head, but I could pin down enough of them to Google.  1:39am I remembered the tune.  Turns out I was misremembering pieces of the verse "My country's skies are bluer than the ocean, / And sunlight beams on cloverleaf and pine. / But other lands have sunlight too and clover, / And skies are everywhere as blue as mine."]

Call to Worship
    [One] People of God, Jesus said, "I am the light of the world.  Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life."
    [People] We have seen the light of Christ like a star shining in the sky; and like the Magi, we have come to worship.
    [All] Glory be to God.

The "Psalm" was Isaiah 60:1-6.  Which first verse immediately felt familiar -- Messiah, I presume.  "Arise, shine; for your light has come, and the glory of God has risen upon you."

The Sacred Text was the poem "how good it is to center down" from Meditation of the Heart by Howard Thurman.  The bit that struck me was (excerpt from the first Google result):
The questions persist: what are we doing with our lives? -
What are the motives that order our day?
What is the end in our doings?  Where are we trying to go?
Where do we put the emphasis and where are our values focused?
For what end do we make sacrifices?  Where is my treasure and what do I love most in life?
What do I hate most in life and to what am I true?
Over and over the questions beat in the waiting moment.
Keith did the Reflection, and he talked about Epiphany (at which first reference Laura Ruth looked at me and smiled, 'cause I'd given her an SF church report before service, and had lamented that Glide didn't do anything for Epiphany -- though I said I understood the rationale behind focusing a sermon on New Year's Resolutions -- and I said I'd also been knee-jerk reacting against an emphasis on January 1 in church settings ever since Ari pointed out this year that the Christian New Year begins at the beginning of Advent).  He talked about how Epiphany is about God manifesting Godself, and about how we find the story of the Magi (foreigners) in Matthew, which is a very Jewish gospel, written for a very Jewish audience (the idea of Christ being revealed to the "outsider" is I think my favorite Epiphany theme).  He connected this to the Thurman poem about centering and questions and the Isaiah text about light (in a way which reminded me some of the MCC SF sermon about finding the light within you that will guide you -- which sounds more secularly self-centered phrased that way than the sermon actually was) and it wasn't tied together neatly enough for me to have good notes, but I was impressed that he managed to tie it together enough for me to feel reasonably satisfied.

When I emailed Laura Ruth last week, I mentioned how afterwards Ari had commented about how there was a responsive that wasn't in the bulletin, and lo, in the bulletin this time:
    The Sharing of the Sacrament
    One: The Gifts of God for the People of God.
    All: Thanks be to God.

However, during the Words of Institution, Jesus said of both the Bread and the Cup, that they were a "symbol" and I winced, recalling Ari's experience at the MCC in Wichita [locked entry].  I brought this up to Laura Ruth after the service -- saying I was all pleased that she'd added that in to the bulletin and I was all prepared to tell her that and ask how Sunday went (she was preaching) and now I had to complain.  She said that ["that" = my complaining to her] was fine, and that there was a pastoral reason for the unorthodox liturgy.  I said I respected that and having raised my complaint would let it go.  I thought later of how Marla has said she can't take Communion anywhere besides CWM 'cause she can't handle the "sanctification of broken bodies," but I feel like Rest & Bread and CWM have similar Words of Institution.  [shrugs]

Laura Ruth's Blessing & Benediction said something about asking for God's help that we not fall asleep, which really struck me because I've been thinking recently about how to be with people when I'm helpless to do anything -- particularly how it's hard when I'm not physically proximal and thus can't physically hold them for comfort -- and how I'm so bad at praying (at that kind of focus) and this morning I think it was I literally thought of the Maundy Thursday Taize-ish "Stay here with me. Watch and pray."

After service, Laura Ruth thanked me again for having come early last week -- said that knowing how to help (and doing it) was truly being a "Christian citizen."

***

Speaking of not falling asleep... how many hours of post-Tealuxe gchatting was that?  [goes to bed]
hermionesviolin: image of Buffy cuddled up with Spike, with text "this is the way that I say: I love you" (love you)
I may or may not go into actual mediation work, but I seem to be making a habit of playing counselor (more of the listener role than the advisor role, I think, though definitely the latter quite a bit particularly recently).  Which is not a new thing, though I feel like it ebbs and flows.  My very first year in college I stayed up late on AIM many nights with friends in crisis, and that's always what I think of when this comes up, but truly it's something I've done a lot.

CAUMC-Meredith has said, more than once, in Affirmations that I'm a really comfortable presence to be around, which is a descriptor I still haven't entirely internalized.

***

My mom commented:
I think that "never-ending list of things to be concerned about" is part of your maturity. You actually notice, and are concerned, and that's a good sign. Makes your mother-wolf's heart warm.
While I know this -- that being aware of and attentive to stuff outside yourself is part of being a grownup -- I don't think I'd thought to connect it to the idea of "maturity" per se.

***

She emailed me about my "how do pastors do it?" and in part talked about Linnea's work as a hospital chaplain.
She had very clear boundaries. She was totally present in the moment, and somehow learned to let it go when she wasn't. I learned that when I worked on a hotline in high school. But sometimes, all your training and defenses aren't enough and you still get creamed.

I tend to think that is the cost of loving. But I also think it's sacred ground. When I am "watching one hour" (ref: Jesus in the garden with the disciples), I feel closest to my core reason for being here.

Your people are blessed to have you there to lean on.
That's intense -- the idea of this being sacred ground.  It reminded me that one of the things I learned* in 2008 [which didn't even occur to me to put in my year in review, 'cause I didn't think of it until I read my mom's email] is an appreciation of the value of trust -- of what a big deal it is (can be) for people to trust you with things, and more about how to honor that trust.

----

* Expandcryptic sidebar - thinking aloud and keeping it for my own reference )
hermionesviolin: (hug)
I had an actual update entry, with stuff about the upcoming election and everything... but I had class tonight, and L. came in late with dark circles under her eyes and she says her roommates are being emotionally abusive and she has 10 months left on the lease and she found a place she could sign the lease on tomorrow, but her roommates don't want her to leave without having someone to fill her spot, so they want to just show her room and she can leave when they find someone.  She could just leave now and pay double rent, but so long as she's paying rent there's no motivation for them to find a replacement so she'd basically just be paying off her entire remaining lease.  I literally said I wanted to give her the money.  Obviously she wouldn't take it.  It would be half her savings (which given that she wants to move back to California, and given the economy... giving up that much money is huge) and honestly it's about half of mine, too, but watch me not care.  I said I would literally make her a copy of my house key and she could come by any time she needed to get away.  She said I barely know her -- her roommates have known her longer than I have.  But before I could even say anything she said, "Yeah, I know, we click" -- which is true.  I said that if she turns out to be a serial killer, my bad... I trust my judgment of people.  I said that it sounds too paternalistic to say I want to take care of people, but...  "But you collect strays," she said.  I think that's more Jules than me, but I was willing to go with it.  I didn't elaborate at the time, but I just... I fall hard for people so easily (while at the same time I really rankle at huge swaths of the people I encounter), and when they're hurting in some way I want to fix it.

"sometimes i see things / like fear and want to soothe it" -from "Poem (for EMA)" by Nikki Giovanni

Oh, I forgot about this tag.
Every night when I watch you sleep
I want to watch over you forever
Keep you safe with me
And I wish I could promise you a beautiful world
That would never break your heart
Maybe that’s what we are here for
We try and fix what comes apart

Love takes the best of you
hermionesviolin: a close-up crop of a Laurel Long illustration of a lion, facing serenely to one side (Aslan)
That's one of the things Trelawney lamented tonight.

The Scripture readings were Jeremiah 8:18-9:1 and Romans 8:31, 35ff, and after the pastoral reflection, leading into the Prayers of the People, Tiffany invited us to spend some time silently writing down our laments (pens and half-size sheets of paper were provided) and then we were invited to share them aloud if we wished and also invited to light a candle on the altar (she had put about a dozen or so votive candles on the altar).

Trelawney was the first to get up and light a candle.  She read her lament, which was very poetic, and about her own inclinations toward depression (though she didn't use that word) and apathy as well as her concerns re: those tendencies in her communities.  She explained that at the vigil/rally she had after church for Jena (which notice she had sent to the CWM list as well as CAUMC) she was really disappointed by the turnout from her church.  She was getting all teary, and when she got back to her seat (which was next to mine), I reached over and hugged her.  We hugged for a while, and after we stopped she put her hand on my leg, and I put my hand on hers and held it.  She thanked me multiple times over the rest of the evening.

I thought of how I had just quoted to someone:
I learned that whatever we say means nothing,
what anyone will remember is that we came,
[Not in the sense that I should have come to the Jena thing, but that I was able to be present with her this evening when she needed it.]

*

I filled up half a page with laments without even really having to pause.  When the Collection was taken, there was a basket for money and a basket for laments.  I decided to bring mine home and burn it, 'cause I really liked that idea, but when I took a match to it in our front yard I found it really didn't burn much.  So I put it on a burner on the stove and lit the burner until the paper had all turned black, then took it downstairs and crumpled it onto the lawn.

***

(Oh, I left myself a note reminding myself that today is the autumnal equinox -- because it doesn't always fall on the 21st like I had thought.  I feel like there should be a pagan ritual for the equinox, but the closest thing I can think of is Samhain at Halloween/All Saints' Day.)

*

I just got the following notice from CHPC, which unfortunately I probably won't be able to attend, because it's CWM's 30th 5th anniversary celebration, which is supposed to be huge, and thus will be 5pm-whenever (8:30?).  Depending on how I'm feeling, maybe I'll go anyway.
You are invited to a holiday program "Ramadan and the Jewish Days of Awe," sponsored by the Social Action Committee of Temple B'nai Brith in Somerville on Sunday September 30th from 7:00 to 9:00 p.m., with co-presenters Rabbi Dov Bard, Instructor in Rabbinics at Gann Academy and Dr. Mohamed Lazzouni, Visiting Scholar in Islamic Studies at Boston College, with introduction by Dr. Phil Weiss, the religious leader of Temple B'nai Brith.

Program is free of charge.  See attached flyer.

This year, the Jewish High Holidays and the Muslim holiday of Ramadan coincide.  In this program, Rabbi Bard and Dr. Lazzouni will help us understand the common themes in Islam and Judaism that are emphasized in these seasons, and the common practices in their celebrations.  For both peoples, these holidays are a time for worship and contemplation, for prayer, fasting, charity and strengthening family and community ties. 

Join us for a stimulating presentation that will include an ample question and answer period.

Temple B'nai Brith
201 Central Street
Somerville, MA
www.templebnaibrith.org
hermionesviolin: (prophecy girl)
Over coffee this morning, Greg asked how I was -- in a tone which made me suspect he was asking re: grief topics, but I'd already started responding as per usual (what kind of a morning I was having work-wise) before I'd processed that.

He reaffirmed that we've established if I really were miserable I'd at least give a hint.  I said yeah, said I would love to hear from my friend Terry, but his father just died a week ago, so....  Greg said he didn't remember the name, but yeah, he was wondering about that.  [He and Katie both got the story of my weekend over coffee on Monday -- I love that Greg's m.o. is that if he asks how you are he's actually interested in an answer, and if you ask how he is he'll actually give you a real answer.]

I said I was trying to figure out if I were in the position of an adult whose father had died, when I would be ready to talk to people again.  I e-mailed the day I found out, but I don't even know when he'll check that.  When I visited this past weekend, my mom mentioned her work's bereavement policy, so this morning I Googled Town employee bereavement leave.  [Unrelatedly, today I learned that here at HBS the Dean's Office "send[s] a gift to any faculty or staff who has a baby."]

Greg said he would err on the side of earlier than he might intuit -- that sometimes people don't even realize they wanna talk until someone talks to them (which I hadn't thought of but which is totally true -- and given the person in question is so very likely to be accurate) and worst case, they don't wanna talk to you, and you say "I was just calling to see how you're doing" and they say "I don't wanna talk" and you hang up.

He said he remembers times when he was "mold" [in terms of functionality] and people persisted, and he recalls that fondly.

I said he made good points and etc., said it had been only a week, so Terry was probably still wrapped up in funeral plans and whatnot.  Greg said yeah, a week, in Judaism... and I said "Yeah, sitting shiva," and said I kind of wished Christianity had that... people bringing you food and all that.  He also said it has a clearly defined beginning and end, that after a week, you're still grieving, but you can pick up McDonald's on your own . . . grieving the whole way there and back.

So I'm thinking of calling mid next week.  And am trying not to obsess about waiting versus not.  But if you have input, feel free to share.
hermionesviolin: (andro)
It was beautiful weather today, and I really should have spent more time outside, and I actually had intended to do some errands that required more than five minutes worth of walking, but instead I did computer work -- which is good because I would have been stressing otherwise, but my to-do list is so long that I still don't actually feel accomplished.

I updated my website (first time since May 1!) and my del.icio.us recs account is now live. 934* + (only?) 34 additions for September. The tagging is imperfect and incomplete, but serviceable.
*It would have been more, but there are deadlinks, fics locked down post-"Warriors for Innocence," etc.

I also: washed dishes, did laundry (including bedsheets), and went grocery shopping.

***

Ani's coming out with a retrospective album (called "canon"). Do I buy it? I am intrigued by the poetry collection which is being released at the same time. (I recall seeing a book of poetry in an RBR catalog last year or something, but was possibly hallucinating as I can't find it in the RBR online store now.)

***

Ari called me tonight. Heart. I was literally about to put my phone on the charger when she called as it was telling me Low Battery. It let us talk for close to an hour, though, "which is yay." And despite being cut off by my phone dying, I felt happy after our conversation.
hermionesviolin: photoshoot image of Emma Caulfield (who plays Anya), looking to the right and smiling, with text "I do it for the joy it brings" (i do it for the joy it brings)
RA just called, and I was actually half-expecting her to be calling about Prof.B. 'cause it was hours ago that 1-800-FLOWERS.COM e-mailed me "Your order, detailed below, has been arranged by by one of our select florists and is on it's way." But as soon as I answered the phone, she said, in a near-teary voice, something along the lines of, "You are the best person ever."

Since we were still busy last week I was okay with the fact that I'd ordered it for the "wrong" Monday (and in retrospect this seemed like a better Monday in fact since my orginal intent had been in part a celebration of this piece of work being over) and she called this morning to warn me that she was gonna be really stressed out this week, not work-related, 'cause she's prepping for the LSATs. So when we talked just now she said something like, "You have no idea how much I needed this today." Prof.B. is leaving early to go to his son's baseball game, so she wants to take me out for frozen yogurt after. She said she really wanted to come up and give me a big hug but she didn't want him to see her 'cause she's supposed to be working on some project for him, so I'll call her after he leaves if she hasn't finished it before then :)

Many thanks to [livejournal.com profile] quasisonic, from whom I got this idea.

Edit: Frozen yogurt is at the Grille, which is closed until June 2. Oh well.

The flowers are purple and red, which pleases me as they had looked very pink in the online picture.
hermionesviolin: image of Glory from Buffy with text "at least I admit this world makes me crazy" (crazy [lavellebelle])
Cailin says RA's upset -- she was here until 10:30 last night and then Prof.B. called her at 5:15 this morning. She's been working on this huge project for an outside consulting thing. Plus Cailin goofed on I think our section (though hey, error compounded by students being on top of their shit rather than being delinquents).

[livejournal.com profile] quasisonic mentioned this and I think I need to order one for RA.
hermionesviolin: image of Anya from the Buffy season finale (episode title "Chosen") holding a sword, with text "We are who we choose to be" (choose to be [unhappyending])
The text of the "What to do if someone you know posts a suicide note to LJ." has been going around, so i thought i would post the original link, especially since it comes complete with links and emphases that have gotten lost in most of its repostings.

I'm interested to hear from people who posted about suicide, or who know people who have -- what would/do want your readers to do when they see a suicide note in your LJ?
hermionesviolin: an image of Alyson Hannigan (who plays Willow Rosenberg) with animated text "you think you know / what you are / what's to come / you haven't even / BEGUN" (Default)
I never did get an entry posted about last week’s Buffy (“Get It Done” 7.15), but i will reiterate that i really liked it, and anyone interested in the issue of the darkness at the root of the Slayer’s power should check out “Restless” (4.22) and “Buffy vs. Dracula” (5.01).

Tonight’s episode (“Storyteller” 7.16) was hysterical at times, with just enough seriousness. And lots of viewer shout-outs, both in regards to this season and references to old school. Tonght was Marnie’s first Buffy. Convenient the storytelling bringing one up to speed. :)

And because i so don’t wanna do stuff like financial aid for Oxford, i’ll probably end up posting in detail about these episodes tonight anyway.

In other news...

Tomorrow i am going to print this and find somewhere to put it on my door.

Sometimes life makes me want to cry.

Mayor John Brenner of York, however, has managed to get visitors to contribute simply by asking. He is urging that residents of York County who come into the city for its bars, restaurants, theaters, shops and events chip in exactly $3.32, roughly the cost of a McDonald's Happy Meal.

"A six-piece Chicken McNugget Happy Meal," Mayor Brenner specified recently as he sat in his office with a cardboard box full of envelopes containing checks for $3.32. If each adult county resident paid that much, he said, it would cover the city's budget gap.

-from “In Another York, the Cry Is Spare a Meal and Save the City” by Corey Kilgannon
When the power of love is greater than the love of power, then there will be true peace.

[livejournal.com profile] citricbaba: you are kind indeed
[livejournal.com profile] hermionesviolin: I try.
[livejournal.com profile] citricbaba: you succeed
hermionesviolin: (hug)
Every night when I watch you sleep
I want to watch over you forever
Keep you safe with me
And I wish I could promise you a beautiful world
That would never break your heart
Maybe that's what we are here for
We try and fix what comes apart
hermionesviolin: an image of Alyson Hannigan (who plays Willow Rosenberg) with animated text "you think you know / what you are / what's to come / you haven't even / BEGUN" (Default)
JoeyD341 (2:21:55 AM): hi
VelmasLizard (2:22:00 AM): hey
JoeyD341 (2:22:08 AM): keep me sane?
VelmasLizard (2:22:22 AM): sure. what can i do?
JoeyD341 (2:22:28 AM): nothing
JoeyD341 (2:22:32 AM): just be
JoeyD341 (2:22:40 AM): :-)
JoeyD341 (2:22:46 AM): your existance keeps me sane

Profile

hermionesviolin: an image of Alyson Hannigan (who plays Willow Rosenberg) with animated text "you think you know / what you are / what's to come / you haven't even / BEGUN" (Default)
Elizabeth (the delinquent, ecumenical)

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