burning like matchsticks in the face of the darkness

I am REALLY enjoying this cooler weather.  I actually want to move around again.  I feel much more like I can THINK again.  And, yanno, function.  (I'm also recovering my emotional resources -- as evidenced by the fact that I'm beginning to actually fret about Terry a little.)

***

Laura Ruth and I had dinner (outside!) at the Burren.  She got a shandy and fish&chips.  I got a glass of Pinot Noir (I recently watched Sideways, so sue me -- and it's not like I asked for it right off the bat; the waitress listed the options, and that's what I decided on), a bowl of butternut squash, and vegetarian potato skins.  I was surprisingly full when I finished.

She asked if we had an agenda.  I said no -- said I've learned not to have an agenda when meeting with clergy because when I go in with an agenda, they end up having a different agenda and so we end up doing their agenda.  She made sadface.  I said that usually it's the first time I have coffee with clergy, that we've had some sort of "Oh let's talk more about this" conversation and then they do a "getting to know you" thing and I'm like, "Okay."  She said she's been ordained a year and a half and was a layperson for forty-eight and a half years, and she knows that experience, and she doesn't want to be that pastor, and she asked what my agenda would be if we had one and asked me to pull her back if we got away from that agenda, said I would be helping her to be the kind of pastor she wants to be.

She said she trusts me re: worship.  She said one reason for this is because language is so important to me.  She said that last night when I pronounced us forgiven, she really felt the relief of that grace, and she said she doesn't always.  I was really touched by that.

She said the other reason is that I am so concerned to make a space that is "anxiety free" for people, to allow them to "fall into worship."

She asked me why I do so much church, asked if I have words for that.
I said people frequently ask me that -- I said Meck had asked me that after her (Laura Ruth's) installation -- and I can stumble through an answer, but I have yet to come up with a good answer.
Laura Ruth said that often when she's talking about church, Meck will ask her, "Are you talking about Elizabeth?"  ♥

I talked about how I'm really attached to Christianity -- and that I think that's largely because it's what I grew up with, that I'm not deeply invested/interested in investigating the truth claims (that's the phrase I was looking for! -- I kept saying "faith claims" and saying I knew that wasn't the phrase I wanted) of other religions -- and I talked about how when I was in college I wanted good sold argumentations for things like the Resurrection.  (I said that my mother would sometimes say, "You know it's called faith for a reason," to which my response was: "I made the God leap; for everything else I want strong argumentation.")  She asked me a follow-up question about this later, and I said that I've made peace with it somehow, that I stopped fighting it and it became something that I believe, that some of it was reading the arguments of "people wouldn't have made these claims if it didn't happen" and being sufficiently satisfied with those apologetics, and some of it was being in places like CWM and finding meaningful the layers of metaphor and meaning of Resurrection and "practice resurrection" and the importance of the Incarnation and how it says that we are created bodies and bodies are good and important.  Laura Ruth said -- I think in connection with this part of the conversation -- that I haven't stopped engaging with these things, that that's one of the reasons I'm so good at liturgy etc.

Having Lorraine's post in my recent history, I was inspired to talk about how going to church stuff -- be it worship service or book study or prayer group or whatever -- shows me different ways of doing this thing called being Christian.  I had never thought of it that way before, but after I had said it I thought it made so much sense.

Laura Ruth talked about how I synthesize the intellectual and the emotional/experiential and my own experience and those of other people.  I was thinking later that this makes a lot of sense.  In college (and since) I talked a lot about interpreting liberals and conservatives to each other, living in that liminal border space, moving between two sides and trying to help both sides understand each other.  I'm also really big on organizing things, making things flow, making them comprehensible; and proofreading and editing things, making them more clear and easy to understand -- which I had never thought to connect to other issues of accessibility until tonight but which now seems an intuitive connection.

We talked a little about The Shack before she had to leave for a 7pm rehearsal.  I talked about how some of it -- like the idea that God can't just be one person, because God is love, and love can only exist in relationship, and so if there was a time at which God was not in relationship then God could not be Love -- is stuff that's good to be reminded of but which isn't new to me, so I didn't have the "earth-shattering" reaction I've heard a lot of people had.  I also said that I felt like a lot of the stuff in the book was good -- like the idea that just because God uses bad things toward good ends doesn't mean that God caused the bad things to begin with -- I found myself after I closed the book feeling like there were lots of big things that didn't get addressed -- like how do you balance the fact that God does intervene sometimes, why did Jesus Incarnate at that particular historical moment, what exactly does the salvific moment on the cross or at the resurrection mean, what about judgment day.  I said I was willing to believe that the answer is: "It doesn't matter.  What matters is loving and being in relationship."

Laura Ruth asked if I'd read A History of God, and I said no but it's on my list.
She said that the Old Testament talks about there being lots of gods, our God is just the greatest of them.  She said, "God was never alone."

Before we parted, I thanked her for all the "nice is not a big enough word for what I want to say" things she said.  She said, "As a pastor, I get to tell people true things.  Isn't that wonderful?"

***

I am also glad that Ari is not dead (just really, really tired).

I feel like I got cheated out of my Sunday of Joy.  Laura Ruth preached on spiritual purpose [John 1:6-8, 19-28] and Tiffany preached on wilderness [Mark 1:1-8].

***

( joy sadhana )

***

The First Congregational Church of Somerville

So, about 10am, the Prelude begins.  And then the folks doing the Lighting of the Advent Candle go up and we all sing two verses (plus refrain after each one) of "O Come, O Come, Emmanuel" and then they say stuff and light the candle and we all sing the refrain and THEN is the Call to Worship and Welcome.  This seems so awkward to me, and the hymn wasn't actually asterisked for "Please stand as you are able" and I saw Macha (who's blind) in a pew and with a congregation of this size it's not hard to hear everyone getting up, but _I_ felt really awkward not quite knowing when I was supposed to stand for the hymn so I feel like it must have been so much worse for her.

Unison Prayer of Confession
    Loving God, we confess that we don't know very much about your light.  We confess that we are often too occupied to care -- preoccupied by plastic light we generate with new things, old grudges, and the stuff in our closets.  We confess that we complexify the simplicity of living in your light.
    Be a lamp for our feet as we walk our journeys into your light, we pray.  Teach us the pleasure of using our spiritual gifts.  Give us courage to step into our purpose.  Replace our fear, disguised as indifference, with love.  Forgive us when we fail., Forgive us when we forget, when we get tired, when we are cranky.  Remember, you created us.  We are not gods, but humans who long for you.

Sermon: "Room In the Inn: Spiritual Purpose"
    Laura Ruth talked about how we can be attentive to our Spiritual Purpose by practicing our Spiritual Gifts.  She said: stay away from what dims your light; it will light up someone else.

After her sermon, she said something like, "Please rise and join us in singing hymn number 217," and I thought, "Yes!  Am I wrong in thinking that was probably because of me?"

At the receiving line, Laura Ruth said, "Did you notice I announced the hymn?"  I said, "Yes!  I was all excited and wondered if that was because of me.  I remembered on Saturday that you were giving the sermon today and so I wasn't gonna get an email response any time soon -- which is fine."  [I emailed her Friday morning, because after discussions with Ari and Adelheid I was curious as to her stance, though I think at Rest and Bread I told her about my conversation with Keith.]  She said, "I read your email, and was intrigued, but I don't remember what it was about."  I said, "Oh, it was just about directive worship."  She nodded as if remembering and said something like, "I think anything we can do to make it more welcoming is a good thing."  I said, "I figured that would be your stance."  (At Rest and Bread, my critiques at the very beginning were most all along the lines of "You should be clearer as to what's happening" and she was really responsive to that and seemed totally on board with that sort of concern, and at the beginning of service she always says, "In this community it's important that we know each other's names, because we serve communion to each other, from left to right, so let's go around and say our names," and anytime Macha and/or Al [who are blind] are present she describes the set up of the room -- and yes, that service is aimed more at reaching out to and drawing in the community than regular Sunday service is, but still.)

From the Announcements:

They're doing the Advent Outreach Table again this Thurs. Dec. 18 from 5-7pm.  (They were rained out this past Thursday.)

Interfaith Winter Solstice Celebration -- Join Rev. Kerrie Harthan, fab flutist Elke Jahns, some friends of Kerrie's from the Cambridge Mosque, and others on Sunday, December 21st at the meadow abutting the bike path behind the Alewife T garage for the sixth annual Friends of Alewife Reservation Interfaith Winter Solstice Celebration.  The celebration is from 2:00 - 3:00 pm, followed by a tracking walk with wildlife tracker Dave Brown at 3pm.  We'll make the longest night, the coming of the light, and pray that this urban forest continues its long history of sustaining Boston's Common Good.  If you'd like to be a part of the service or have questions, call Kerrie at [phone number redacted].

First Church Winter Solstice/Merriment/Glögg Party -- You're invited to a First Church Somerville winter solstice/merriment/Glögg Party at the home of Kerrie [surname redacted] and Gloria [surname redacted] on Monday, December 22nd at <time?> [ed. note: I think the flyers I saw during Coffee Hour -- Tara or someone commented it was like being back in college, and Meghan said there should be table tents -- said 5:30-7:30; and SCC will be on midseason break at that point].  Solstice is the shortest day of the year and the longest night of the year.  We'll sing, light candles, and celebrate the light and the dark, for both have much to teach.  For more information, contact Kerrie at [phone number redacted].

Why did I dream about being in a cult?  Dreaming about Ben delineating catering options for the Unit makes sense, but srsly?  (I also had two running dreams, which hasn't happened in some time.)

***

( gym )

I hit the cardio room just before 8:00am, so I got to watch Sports Center (ESPN) from the beginning.  They opened with the All-Star Game but, actually didn't say who won until the end of the ten minute rehash of the game, which pleased me.  ( All-Star Game, 2008 )

***

( bisexuality ftw! )

***

( Rest and Bread - theme: Memory )

They have t-shirts that say "Beloved," which I was tempted by, but I saw the one that Gary got [which was long-sleeved, what up?] and it just says it in small print on the front (with a descending dove beneath it, white on navy, so it is lovely) and the back has this giant logo for the church [edit: currently the profile pic on the church's facebook page].  So yeah, opting out of that.

***

Laura Ruth invited me to join her small group, which was meeting Wednesdays at 7pm (right after Rest and Bread service).  I said sure, of course.  She said we would be doing the third question today (I immediately thought of Passover, but just sort of looked at her blankly).  She said that each week all of the small groups discusses the same question, which I knew from last week, but I didn't actually know what the questions were.  So she took me up to her office and gave me the handout.

I knew the groups were about 12 people each (and that only about half that number actually attended group) but hadn't realized that they had "put every last person at First Church into small groups," as the handout says.  Which makes for 10 groups, apparently.

Laura Ruth had to take care of some stuff, so James and I went ahead to JP Licks without her.  I got a medium peanut butter with hot fudge.  Tasty.  I also paid for hers (and totally used it to get points on my loyalty card).  After was had all finished eating ours, she still hadn't arrived, so we left JP Licks and walked back up to the church.  I held her ice cream and ended up eating some of it 'cause it was dripping all over me, but I pointed out that there was a "diminishing marginal utility" (and I didn't even use scare-quotes when I said it) since I was already full.

Also present were Carolyn, Kim, Daniel-Rosie, and, joining us later: Carolyn's sister Marjorie (all of whom were new to me).

( spiritual gifts; prayer )

Sunday, July 27 they're having a Blessing of the Animals (yes they're not following the liturgical calendar) in combination with Vegetarian Sunday (followed by a vegetarian potluck).  I was first tempted at the news that last year someone brought a hedgehog to the Blessing of the Animals, but I think it is Vegetarian Sunday that will really entice me to go.

***

Group wrapped up around 9pm, so I was still able to go see Gender Redesigner at the Brattle.  (So you see why I didn't get this post finished last night.  I got home around quarter of midnight and practically fell into bed.)

Heading into Davis T Station I passed Tamerleigh coming out.  She couldn't remember my name, but we hugged, both as hello and goodbye.  Win.

( documentary: Gender Redesigner )

+

CineMental does a film at the Brattle the third Wednesday of every month, and the next one is Trans Entities, Wed. Aug. 20 at 9:30pm.  The night before I come back from Europe.  I am missing docu-porn!  :(