burning like matchsticks in the face of the darkness

On my way in to Davis Square this morning, I encountered a woman asking for a dollar for a cup of coffee.  I opted to be generous, and as I pulled my money out of my pocket she asked for "a dollar and a quarter" -- escalation of commitment, "foot in the door," yes I have absorbed some terminology in my years in my workplace.  It turned out I didn't have any small bills on me, but since I was going to Starbucks anyway (yes, I am perpetually Errand Girl) I invited her to just come with me and I bought her what she wanted on a separate tab.  She was talking to me as we walked from the Tedeschi to the Starbucks and I was engaging only minimally -- answering her questions in a kind tone, but not asking her any questions or anything.  I was very conscious that I felt pressed for time and would have been slightly more generous if I had been on my way home.  This is also why I wasn't like, "Hey, let me buy you a sandwich or something."

I thought about this encounter a lot throughout the day.  I felt like "ideally" I should have engaged the woman in conversation and found out what her deal was and worked to provide tangible help.  But on the other hand, I gave her what she asked for, and who am I to say that I was just throwing my money away in that act of generosity because I didn't feed her something more substantive or probe for what she "really" needed?  I do think that Jesus calls us to reach out to people and to not just give them what they explicitly ask for, but I'm also pushing back against that idea that we're "wasting" our money by giving it to street people, that we should instead give them things we know are "good for them" like a sandwich.  Part of me is really really sympathetic to that idea, and to the related ideas that our money does more good when we invest it in systems and institutions like homeless shelters and soup kitchens and places that help people find jobs and transition back into the workforce and all those good programs.  But part of me pushes back at this paternalistic "we know what's best for you" which has rankled me since my time at Smith (in that instance it was the idea that the conservatives that weren't evil were just misguided/ignorant and if only they knew and understood what we knew and understood they would see the light and be on our side).  At SCBC a couple of weeks ago, we were discussing how we engage or refuse to engage with the homeless people we encounter on the street, and David made the argument that sometimes people ask and you give and they just end up back in the same place and the cycle repeats and never gets better and so you stop giving, and this argument makes a lot of sense, but something about the way he said it (I'm paraphrasing the gist of it from memory) made me react really strongly with the idea that, hey, we do that to God all the time -- throwing away gifts both tangible and non, and yet God keeps on being generous to us.

***

I met up with Michael Z. from The Crossing at Diesel tonight for about an hour and a half.  They were out of cider for the season, so I got a loose-leaf (herbal?) mint tea, which grew on me.

We talked about our various different church communities, and early on we talked about what a good place church is for making friends, and it occurred to me that the structure of church is such that it allows you to slowly get comfortable without having to engage beyond a very superficial level -- which we agreed is a feature not a bug, but it can be problematic when it stays this way, when you want to talk more deeply about how you're doing and people just want the superficial.  This also connects with the idea of church being a place we go that's comfortable versus a place we go that challenges us (admittedly, both are good and important to some extent).  I thought of Rev.S's "this is not the place we pretend to be well" and some stuff a friend had said recently about CWM.

We talked about a bunch of other stuff, too, but I should really head to bed.

I left my house this morning and started walking to the train and a white-haired woman walking in the opposite direction stopped and asked me, "You through college already?"  I didn't recognize her at all, but with Food Pantry and everything else I don't really question stuff like that in my small town.  I said yes and she asked me where I was working and I told her and she asked me if I was planning on going there and I said no and she said it was a good place for a young woman like me to be working and that she wouldn't make me miss my train, so that was the end of that.

A few seats ahead of me on the train were a bunch of grownup people who were really annoying me.  The guy was talking about how he's so incapable of saying no, but if you have headphones on the homeless people don't ask you because they figure you can't hear them anyway.  One of the women said, "They're just gonna buy liquor with it anyway," and I so wanted to get up and fight her/them [verbally, natch], but I just couldn't bring myself to be that confrontational with a group of people in a crowded public space at eight in the morning.

I already posted about the morning cellist, but one thing I want to mention, which is in some ways connected to the previous anecdote, is the fact that you need an MBTA permit to perform.  I can sort of understand it (and I imagine you have to pay money -- I vaguely remember reading about this a while back -- which makes it suddenly make more sense why so many people have albums for sale . . . though that's also just a legitimate way to capitalize on your audience) but I really like the idea of sort of free market street performance (and yes, they're on MBTA property so asking for permits is legit -- and Harvard's spray paint artist had a permit displayed as well, though I think that was from the city -- but it's the principle).  And yeah, I'm really not articulate, but discuss.

Amanda's back, though still coughing and stuff.  (And a bunch of other office people have the beginnings of possible illnesses.)

Do you know how expensive it is to fly business class Boston to Kuwait roundtrip?  I learned today.  I also learned that British Air has quality hold music.  Their webpage tells you "Please wait a moment whilst your chosen itinerary is being quoted" on its processing page, which I enjoyed muchly.

I went to see the Kendall/MIT area apartment tonight after work.  I got disoriented coming out of the Kendall T station as I often do, and then I misremembered the map and went too far, and then I overcompensated coming back (so that makes twice I didn't/couldn't see a street sign for the street I needed).  So it took me about 35 minutes to get there.  I'd forgotten that the Kendall area is predominantly former industrial.  It's not sketchy, just not how I'd imagined my neighborhood.  The part where the apartment I looked at looks nice and quaint, though.  Quiet, too.  The apartment's kinda weird.  You come in to a living room area, which has two closets, and off of that are bathroom, kitchen (gas stove!), and bedroom (no closets).  The walls are all that sort of dark cream or whatever that Baker's is and which I'm not a huge fan of.  Nothing articulably bad about the place (though damn, coin-op washers and dryers?  I got spoiled like whoa when Smith implemented OneCards) but I don't think I'll be taking it.  Good to to generate experience, though.

So I knew better what I was doing coming back and it took me 15 minutes to get to where the T station should have been.  I figure I'll just keep going and pick up the train at Charles/MGH.  The walk over the water is nice, though I had forgotten how long it takes -- 10 minutes and I'm at the T station.  I knew early on I was on the other side of the bridge from the last time, and when I got to the end I couldn't figure out how to get up onto the station, so I figured I'd just keep walking.  When I did this last time I was following a woman who knew what she was doing, so this time I was thinking, "I feel like I should turn right to get to Park St. -- but these are dark one way streets, and what if I get more lost?"  So I just kept walking.  Eventually I hit Government Center.  At this point I admitted defeat.  However, they have been having wire problems, so they were running a one-track operation and doing lots of shuttles and there were probably 30 people waiting for the Green Line to Park St.  After 10 minutes I admitted defeat in this arena and was fairly certain I had effectively missed my train (7:15, 7:25 train) and figured at least heading to Park St. would be doing something.  People had been leaving in clumps, so when I left I followed a woman and soon saw the Beantown Pub light sign and thought, "Government Center is really this close to Park St.?  I suck."  So I go in to Park St. -- and push past a woman who is standing pratically in a turnstile rifling through her purse -- and when I get to the Red Line pull out my schedule just to check.  7:35 train.  I make it after all.  [After ~50 minutes of walking.]  (Which is good, as I didn't have anywhere near enough reading material on me to last until the 8:50 train.  Plus LJ always keeps me up until near midnight as it is and I'm adjusting to ~6 hours of sleep but less would be pushing it.)

Looking at the cheap studio this afternoon I began deciding against it as I can't find a regular T station nearby.  (Bus lines are fine, but I'd like regular T stations for people coming to visit me -- among other reasons.)

burnalive informed me about the fabulous http://www.housingmaps.com (the yellow icons have pictures -- took me far too long to figure that out) and I have found some Allston studios, which sound good both price and locationwise, so we shall see.
- $850 studio apartment w/ heat & hot water
- $800 1br studio all utilities included
- $875 oversized studio apt.

Now, um, bed?  Hope to continue the Ari discussion tomorrow.