Kathy M's memorial service was today. Because of who Kathy was, there was a lot more music than is standard (there were 3 choir anthems and 3 hymns the congregation sang).

The opening anthem was "The Deer's Cry" by Shaun Davey (based on St. Patrick's Breastplate -- the song which opens, "I arise today..."). I think I was crying by the end of that, and I definitely cried a lot during Molly's homily.

Crying, for me at least, feels like an emptying out, and I was thinking, early in the service, experiencing that feeling of being emptied, that it would be good to have Communion at the end of the service.

In part, I'm sure, because I'd seen this on Tumblr this morning:

awkwardbutaccurate: “foretaste of the feast to come” sounds really familiar, almost like it’s in the Eucharistic prayer. Anyone know?

[...]

galesofnovember: Google tells me it’s in the Lutheran Eucharistic liturgy. I think it’s in one of the rites in the BCP too, because I swear I’ve heard that phrase.

[My immediate response to "foretaste of the feast to come" was, "OF COURSE it's in the Eucharistic liturgy!" so when I saw gales' response I thought, "Oh, apparently I have absorbed my best friend's liturgy." I mean, I know it's not in the Communion liturgies my churches use, but...]

I would want it to be a real actual feast. Fine, it's a symbol, but a bite of bread dipped in juice (or wine) doesn't feel like a powerful symbol to me. I don't experience Communion as powerful magic, and that's in part just because of who I am, but also because I feel like there's "no there there" -- that if it's supposed to demonstrate Jesus' radical hospitality, and Jesus' enduring presence with us, and to model the Realm of God, then it should really be a feast.

Lord, what shall I do that I
can't quiet myself?
Here is the bread, and
here is the cup,
I can't quiet myself.
To enter the language of transformation!

-from Mary Oliver's "Coming to God: First Days"

The readings were:
"Sleeping in the Forest" - Mary Oliver
"Coming to God: First Days" - Mary Oliver
1 Corinthians 13:4-12

I knew Kathy was only 64 when she died, but I was still surprised, when I saw her daughters go up to the chancel to do the readings, how young they looked. They could be my age. Which, my parents are 53 and 61, so I suppose they probably are.

The closing hymn was "I'll Fly Away," which I have an active dislike for, but because I have heard so much about the grace with which Kathy approached death, I could tell myself that it meant something different in this context (even though while I was actually looking at the words I was aware I was stretching).

[Edit: During the Prayer time, Jeff M. acknowledged and opened up space for: the other griefs this brings to the surface (not limited to people who have died), the fact that Kathy could be difficult and inviting us to extend forgiveness to her, and if there was anything we felt like we wanted/needed forgiveness for (e.g., things we had done, things we hadn't done, ...) to allow ourselves to feel forgiveness from Kathy just like we had just extended forgiveness to her. This is the first funeral I've been to at FCS, so I don't know if this is standard here, but I really liked it.]

+

At the reception, I told Harold (who was wearing a suit) that I felt very undressed looking at him (I was wearing my black shirt with the glitter Phoenix on it, blue jeans, and my lace-up flats with stars on them). He did say he liked my shirt :)

During the reception, there was an open mic for anyone who wanted to share.

Her ex-husband spoke, and he said in keeping with the theme of the grace with which she dealt with her illness(es), she had reached out to him and told him she harbored no ill feelings about their breakup and that she was glad he was the father of her children. I cried.

I got up to get some juice and a guy got up and introduced himself as "Ron" and his voice sounded familiar before I saw his face and I realized it was ron_newman. He talked about having worked with Kathy on various Somerville things and I think I had already started crying, but where I clutched my heart was when he said he hadn't know that she was sick until he heard of her death last week, and so he wanted to come here to be able to say goodbye to Kathy because he hadn't been able to say goodbye to her before she died. While I know that people I know from church have lives outside of church, it hadn't really hit me that there would be people who would grieve her death but who wouldn't have been a part of her circles such that they would have found out about her illness before her death.

Jenny U got up and I started crying basically immediately because Jenny was her neighbor and was the connection that brought Kathy to FCS and I knew Jenny must be so sad -- and indeed Jenny was crying throughout her talking, and so I was doing the "crying because the other person is crying" thing the whole time.

A friend of Kathy's asked if anyone knew "Ezekiel Saw the Wheel" (which, sidebar, blessing of the bicycles!) and led a sing-along of that.

Betsy M (I think) led an impromptu "If I Had a Hammer," which song I don't really know but which I loved at the end.

***

"Joy Sadhana is a daily practice in the observation of joy."
-mylittleredgirl [more info]
Thus says God to these bones: "I will cause breath to enter you, and you shall live. I will lay sinews on you, and will cause flesh to come upon you, and cover you with skin, and put breath in you, and you shall live; and you shall know that I am God." (Ezekiel 37:5-6, NRSV, alt.)

( Read more... )

Apparently my response to my housemate going out of town is to clean.  (Though my bedroom is still a cluttered mess.)

( this is really not that interesting )

Oh, and what with everything else going on, I completely forgot to lift up in prayer at church(es) yesterday that Laura Ruth begins as Hope Central's pastor tomorrow.

Oh, and I remembered at one point today that I agreed to give the Reflection at Rest and Bread for one week from this Wednesday.

On Saturday, I walked into the Sears at the CambridgeSide Galleria and they had a display of fake Christmas trees for sale. Whut? It was October 11!

I bought a pair of (black) pants that actually fits -- though the pockets are a lie (sigh). I totally blanked on checking for pockets for some reason. I'm not going to return them, 'cause pants that fit are rare enough, but it's still annoying. Also annoying: when those circular size markers on the the hangers don't actually match the tags on the actual clothes so you still have to look at each one individually.
I also got a bunch of knit tops. Yay for having more work shirts which I don't have to worry about the buttoning puckering.

On the bus ride home, I saw that Saint Peter's Episcopal St. James's Episcopal (between Porter and Davis) has 8am (and 10:30am) Sunday services. 'Cause I need more church in my life. I need to get to Pub Church at some point (which Tiffany mentioned last Sunday -- we were talking about how CWM has spread, and apparently a friend of CWM runs Pub Church -- and which I then saw in the QueerAgenda events listing).

This weekend I did a bunch of errands and housecleaning and a fair chunk of my extension school reading and so on, but I didn't actually feel like I'd been productive until Jonah and I put some of my furniture together today. (Putting together the shelving cart from Target, Jonah said something about Tim Gunn and I said, "This is not a fierce table.")

Sunday I kept feeling like I was going to work the next day ('cause that's usually how Sundays are). Monday I kept feeling like I was going to church the next day ('cause it felt like a Saturday). But no, I really am going to work tomorrow. Why am I still up?

Closer in to Teele Square (coming along Broadway from where I live) all the sidewalk snow is gone, which was disconcerting. Frustrating, however, was that the traffic lights were just flashing yellow, so I had to wait for a lull in traffic and kinda dart across. (I was also annoyed because to look at the traffic lights required me to basically look into the sun.) When I came back about an hour and a half later, I was pleased to see what looked like someone working on the base of one of the signal poles. Though six and a half hours later when I was heading to the train station it was (still) blinking. Hee, I'm thinking of The Twelve Pains of Christmas -- "now why the hell are they blinking?"

I want basic black non-leather shoes and boots (approx. ankle height so I can easily wear them with jeans), appropriate for both outdoors and at work. This should not be that difficult. And also dress pants that fit. (Scrub pants like for the gym would be an added bonus. Oh, and pajamas. And possibly some new bras. I'm so demanding, I know. I really just want this stuff to magically appear in my bedroom as I do not enjoy clothes shopping much at all.)

Also: my hair is annoying me. Why does it do that stupid curling out thing?

---

Advent meditation: Isaiah 9:2-7 (RSV)
     Alex did the meditation. He talked about how the "For unto us a child is born" bit is so familiar to him from growing up in a church (especially a church where "the Christmas Eve service was always led by the youth") and then said, "I'm not sure that I had ever read carefully the full passage from Isaiah in which that phrase appears. What strikes me most in doing so is that beside and among the joyful passages that I remember so clearly are references to oppression and battle that on first glance sit oddly with the message of hope. If Christ's appearance did not bring about an end to these sources of suffering, it seems a bit less clear what to make of the uplifting sides of the story on which we prefer to focus." He concluded, "though it may not be apparent, the spread of peace will continue, and the message of Christ will play its role in that process."

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joy sadhana for Advent (23)

"Joy Sadhana is a daily practice in the observation of joy." -mylittleredgirl [more info]

And you, child, will be called the prophet of the Most High; for you will go before our God to prepare the ways, to give knowledge of salvation to God's people by the forgiveness of sins. By the tender mercy of our God, the dawn from on high will break upon us, to give light to those who sit in darkness and in the shadow of death, to guide our feet into the way of peace."
-Luke 1:76-79

Five good things about today:
1. I got about 8 hours of sleep.
2. I got lovely Christmas cards from my grandparents and from Layna. Dude, I am impressed at the home-made-ness of your card. The text inside is too cute not to share.

Happy Christmas!

May peace and joy be with you.

Love,
Layna

PS Can you maybe teach me to love winter?

3. I got picked up on the train. I was reading Our Lives As Torah and as we pulled in to Norwood Central they announced we were gonna be standing by for a few minutes, and this guy sitting across from me asked me about the book I'd been reading, said he'd seen it a number of places but had never read it. It's possible he was just making this up, but there was at least some effort (I have low expectations from random guys, what can I say?). He was un-creepy enough that I let him give me a ride home (he lives in Walpole but parks at Norwood Central, which makes sense since the Walpole train station's kind of in the middle of nowhere) and he didn't try to kiss me goodnight as I'd feared he might. He invited me for coffee or a drink and I said I had to get home since my parents were expecting me for dinner, and that tomorrow I would be doing family stuff but possibly later in the week (he works at Fidelity, near South Station). I didn't feel like we really clicked, but I'm willing to try some practice at this dating thing (assuming he actually calls).
4. Shells & cheese for dinner at my parents' house.
5. Being with my parents and brother makes me really really happy.

Three things I did well today:
1. I woke up (and got up) before my 9am alarm yet again.
2. I did assorted errands.
3. I did some back-tagging. [I have 996 tags. This 1000 tag limit makes me wanna cry. I can delete the "movies: watched" by year tags 'cause most movies I watched well after they came out anyhow, but I like being able to divide tv shows by season. There are single-use tags I can collapse into broader tags and it won't be horrific. But I have hundreds, probably thousands, of entries which are tagged minimally if at all, and part of the way I motivated myself to push through was to allow myself to just give things unique tags, knowing I could go back and figure it all out later.]
Bonus: Lay-reading.

Two things I am looking forward to (doing [better]) tomorrow:
1. Figuring out details for the Greece-and-Italy trip with my brother.
2. Super tasty baked goodness from my mom. And possibly non-perishable gifts as well.
Bonus: Secret Slasha (and Yuletide).

O little town of Bethlehem, how still we see thee lie!
Above thy deep and dreamless sleep the silent stars go by.
Yet in thy dark streets shineth the everlasting Light;
The hopes and fears of all the years are met in thee tonight.
-"O Little Town of Bethlehem" (Phillips Brooks)

Friday ( cold snap, Singspiration, etc. )

Saturday ( library visit, a poll, shopping, etc. )

Earlier this weekend I was feeling grinchy for not having participated in most anyone's holiday card polls and lo, I picked up my mail when I got home and it included one from pandorasboxes which filled me with ♥.

I'm feeling somewhat overwhelmed/inadequate. The idea of writing this Joyce paper, of writing an exam, when I have no thoughts; plus the cleaning I should do before I have visitors this holiday, plus etc.

Sunday

I woke up at like 5:45 or something -- or dreamed I did -- but went back to sleep and didn't end up getting up until about 9 (which means ~9hrs of sleep/night two nights in a row).

I also had weird dreams.  ( Read more... )

Am I acclimating to the heat?  'Cause I was comfortable in my apartment this afternoon.  (weather.com said stuff like 85F, feels like 87)  However, I felt really I should (a) spend some time out of the house and (b) do some errands, though.

I found a couple work-appropriate shirts at Marshalls that I was willing to wear.  So that was of the good.  I really need more warm weather shirts for work but don't want cap-sleeve or sleeveless, so that cuts down my options like whoa.  (I also really don't want hand-wash 'cause the bathroom sink here is crap for that.  I'm still figuring out how I'm gonna handwash the stuff I already have.)  Though work is often cool enough to merit a cardigan over short sleeves, so perhaps I should consider sleeveless+cardigan as an option.

Sidenote: OtherRoomie's cat is crazy.  These past few days he's been much more in your face so to speak about wanting to be with people, and I woke up twice this morning (around 4:30am and around 7:00am) to hear him outside my door. I had gone to bed around 2am, so I was not thrilled. (I did manage to get about 10 hours of sleep, though.)  Tonight he twice put his paws up on my lap while I was at the computer and then jumped up on the computer desk.  (At that point I took him out of the room and closed the door.)

Have written one more froplay Fireworks:
+ WaT, Sam/Elena, 493 words [10:29pm]
And I finally got feedback on my other WaT ficlet, which makes me so happy.

I'm actually rather enjoying this "write for prompts" things -- which is so weird because I keep saying that's not what I want to do at all and I find it stressful &etc.

I had an unsuccessful shopping trip at TJMaxx this afternoon.

Has anyone done any research connecting the onset modern body dysmorphic issues with the onset of modern standard-measurement mass-market clothing? ‘Cause an inability to find clothes that fit you combined with the message that these clothes (supposedly) do fit the majority of people has gotta mess some people up. [Clarification: I wasn’t feeling body dysmorphic, just pissed off at the designers, but it did get me thinking.]

My current problem is that all the pants I bought I somehow didn’t really realize feel like they’re nearly gonna fall off me unless I hike the waist up to around my bellybutton and feel like Urkel. I attempted the Petites section this afternoon but didn’t have any real success. Also, summer coming means clamdigger capri pants are all over the place, which doesn’t help matters any. I miss the days when I just bought jeans and I knew exactly what size I was and what style and brand I preferred.

My mom is going to take me to Sears.

It was 70F at 1pm. The temperature plummeted when a front came through -- 56F at 4:45pm. I got rained on during my errand to the post office, but I like the rain so that was okay. Pre-rain I stopped and chatted a while with the blonde woman on the corner whom I often see walking to the train in the morning, and her 14 month old daughter (thoughtful of the child to be born on the first of a month :) ).

I looked out my window ~5:45 and it was blue sky, yellow glow on trees (sunset I realized), just lovely.

As well as assorted errands, I also did my handwash shirts and a load of dishes tonight, so despite not getting up until ~1pm the day wasn’t a waste.

I don’t think this person ever feedbacked my darkfic, but it was pleasant to see it recced.

Prayers for Skarda and her brother.

And reminder that we move the clocks ahead an hour at 2am (or whenever you go to bed tonight -- whichever comes first).

So, today was Mountain Day at Smith.  And I spent the day in Boston being a grownup.  (Even all suited-up, for the first time in a while.)

I got myself turned around and ended up at Government Center rather than Faneuil Hall, evidence of how out of practice I am at all this.  The day got better, though.

Met with ExcitingSoundingAgency first.  And by the end of the day I had a phone interview with a biotech pharmaceutical company scheduled.

Since I really don't have enough professional type shirts, I hit up Ann Taylor Loft and actually found knit shirts I liked that fit and were reasonably priced.  (So I now have the same shirt in 3 colors, for a total of only $50.  It freaks me out that the petite and non-petite versions get the exact same picture on the website just with different colors.) Edit: And I forgot to mention that they gave me a classy white bag rather than the gross pink one I got (and threw away -- to Fefe's dismay) last time I went. /edit

Proceeding back to Downtown Crossing I hit Express next but didn't like any of the blouses enough to buy them.  My shoes have begun to literally fall apart, so Payless was next, though I ceased being optimistic about shoeshopping some seasons ago.  Predictions [brand name] totally wins at shoes this season, though.  So many hot boots.  Most of which I have nowhere to wear, and some of which are too stilleto for me to walk in, but hot [non-leather!] shoes that fit me?  I was deeply delighted (and thought of you -- especially when I seriously considered purchasing the femmeZoe boots, though first when I saw the faux suede boots).  Of course I remain hella picky, but I did get a pair of nice solid ankle boots (though the toes go out rather freakishly far -- a trend in women's shoes that I have never understood) which also turned out to be one of the cheaper options, which was nice.

At this point I quit the shopping and got lunch at the Greek place at the Downtown Crossing Food Court -- which, admittedly, is not the best choice when one is dressed nicely for interviews.

On my way to LessExcitingSoundingAgency, I was walking behind a large black woman who was all dolled up like out of another era.  I learned that it's Employee Week at Citizens Bank and apparently that means they dress up and she was going as My Fair Lady.  She had a long black short-sleeve dress with white nurse's slippers.  A black&white boa with silvery bits in it, and a similar boa around her black bowler-esque hat.  She had white gloves up to her elbows and a big silver sparkly ring on her left pinky finger, which hand held a small white lacy parasol.  Her other hand held what looked rather like a freakishly long eyebrow pencil, a sort of greyish purple color.  I was impressed.

I walked into LessExcitingSoundingAgency and was surprised to see the reception desk already decorated for Halloween (orange&black streamers and orange balloons) but hey, free chocolate.  Recruiter person was per usual.  Pushed the "We network . . . do you know anyone who's looking for a job, or a company that has openings?" a bit more than I would have liked, but I did get a free tips-for-interviewing pamphlet.  Also: their computerized skills testing is weird.

Rounded out the day with an actual job interview at an architectural design company.  They're in this old building near the Children's Museum which reminded me of a museum I went to in England that used to be an industrial warehouse or something.  (I wanna say it was the Modern Art Museum in Oxford, but I'm not sure.)  I was the first of about a dozen candidates she's gonna be interviewing, and I'm undecided as to whether that's good or bad.  Am trying not to obsess over how I could have interviewed better.  She's gonna bring in the top 4 or 5 candidates to meet with the heads of the company in a couple weeks and will let me know regardless.

Tomorrow I start back at HBS, working in the building next door to where I was before.  I've been guessing that I'm covering for someone who's going on vacation (the original gig was next week Mon.-Fri.) so we shall see whether this is an actual scheduled overlap day or what.

The lightning is less appealing when it is bursts of white light out your peripheral vision when you are lying in bed. I kept thinking of how it was so easy to imagine them to be atomic bombs or spaceships or whatever, and how that was a very Emma thing to do.

Speaking of Emma, in an e-mail Wednesday night i said i hadn’t gotten any interviews this week, and then the next morning 2 staffing firms i had contacted that night called me back. And another one Friday afternoon. I feel like by the end of the summer i’ll have dealt with every staffing firm in Boston. I’d guess half the office work postings on craigslist lead you to a staffing firm.

Thursday i was up at Faneuil Hall and checked out Ann Taylor Loft. I got a nice white camisole, though i decided i wasn’t desperate enough to pay $34/each for short sleeved white button-up blouses.

I think all these people who keep telling me “Store X has great/cheap blouses” need to actually come shopping with me and show me what exactly they’re thinking of.

P.S. Charter Club iron-free cotton is a lie.

My mom and i went to Laughing Wild on Thursday and went to Legal Sea Foods for dinner beforehand. I realized that i don’t wanna order mixed drinks if i can’t watch them make it. I am such a dork.

It’s Pride Week, so as we walked along Tremont i enjoyed pointing out the rainbow flag/paraphernalia in the window of almost every store.

The play wasn’t quite as hysterical as i recall it being from when i read it years ago, but definitely very good. And a live performance does add something to it. I need to get some Durang out from the library to reread.

“My Scotch is Dewar’s White Label,” the Woman says.
“That’s a quality Scotch,” i whisper, thinking of bartending class.
“I agree,” whispers the man next to me.

Y’all should go. (It runs through June 26.) The cheap seats are $14, and the Wimberly is a fairly small space, so there are no bad seats.

P.S. Debra Monk was in Jeffrey! That means Joe is 3 degrees of separation from Patrick Stewart :) (2 if he’s actually met Debra.)

The end of July (27-31), Shakespeare East is doing Hal Harry Henry -- Richard II, Henrys IV-VI, and Hamlet, all in 90 minutes (including an intermission) -- at the Calderwood. Tix are $25. Am thinking Kate and/or Joe needs to see this with me.

It occurs to me that i really am a nice person. I was reading a piece in Newsweek, and the painting with broad brushstrokes and name-calling and so on frustrates me not just because i know it doesn’t promote actually accomplishing your goals but also because it’s just an inherently bad thing to do. I hate people, but i honestly don’t actually wanna be mean to people. Annihilate some of them from existence? Sure. But not actually be mean to them.

I would, however, kill my mother’s colleagues if i had her job. I would want to tell them, “Your inability to do your job is interfering my ability to do mine. Get out.” Since i’m nowhere near that assertive/confrontational in actuality i would probably start desperately seeking a new job and quit as soon as humanly possible.

Cat said, “I just realized that when I go back to Smith, you won't be there. And there won't be someone to hate people and non sexually molest me.” Story of my life. This is where the soundtrack of my life starts playing, “Please come to Boston...” :)

I started reading Chesterton’s Orthodoxy again. He says some good stuff and he says some stuff well, but so often i find myself rolling my eyes (which i suppose is better than wanting to shake him, which was a frequent occurrence during my reading of the first 4 chapters) or just being confused.

dorrie6 posted the following in response to a discussion about what is next for the Firefly universe if the movie is successful:

Joss_Whedon
Serenity Cast/Crew

Posted: 08 Jun 2005 12:09 am

What next? Interesting question. I see an epic Serenity adventure told in woodcuts, then a Jayne/Wesley crossover done in a series of haiku left in small wooden bowls to float down the Seine... Finally an interpretive dance (ya GOTTA have an interpretive dance!) about Mal's personal hygene that becomes an opera/ miniseries starring Sean Bean as "Odor".

That's just one man's vision.

But here's another. It rests on a lot of factors that I can't control, and some that I'll try my damnedest to. God knows you guys are doing your part. I call it BIG DAMN SEQUEL.

And THEN the interpretive dance.

We'll talk soon... -joss.

When the second screening came out, it irked me that people were going a second time since tickets were in short supply, but when rumors of the third screening came about, having seen the movie i understood the desire to see it again. I really hope those people who are buying up large blocks of tickets actually have people they’re going to see it with already established, because screwing people out of tickets “just in case” is terribly poor form.

gi_jules writes, “35 cities? It's starting to look like a limited-to-wide release spread out over months. ”