burning like matchsticks in the face of the darkness

eponis posted about the statement from the 76th General Convention [of the Episcopal Church] on gay and lesbian members.

***

So, I still haven't watched the lectures on Hinduism, Buddhism, and Confucianism, but I started attending World Religions class again tonight because we were beginning the Judaism/Christianity/Islam section of the course.  I actually read the Judaism chapter (and have started the Christianity chapter) in An Anthology of Living Religions (2nd Edition) and realized I'm actually almost all the way through Subverting Hatred (I'd been reading chapters out of order).

I spoke in class a whole bunch -- primarily to point out that we really shouldn't be pronouncing the Tetragrammaton when we're talking about it in a Jewish context -- and during the break I pointed out to the prof that in the Sodom and Gomorrah prelude, it's Abraham who ends the bargaining session not God, but while I had assorted quibbles with presentation, there wasn't anything that really rankled me (save the aforementioned "Can we please not say Yahweh or Jehovah, especially when we're talking about the Hebrews/Israelites/Jews?").

The prof read some portions from the Old Testament, and a couple of them I felt like: these resonate in my bones -- which throws me a little because a lot of the resonances are relatively recent (like post-college).

Now the LORD said to Abram, "Go from your country, your kindred and your father's house to the land that I will show you.  And I will make of you a great nation, and I will bless you, and make your name great, so that you will be a blessing.  I will bless those who bless you, and him who curses you I will curse; and by you all the families of the earth shall bless themselves." (Genesis 12:1-3)

"You shall not wrong a stranger or oppress him, for you were strangers in the land of Egypt." (Exodus 22:21)

He also mentioned that Israel means one who wrestled/struggled with God and survived, and Peniel always hits me hard these days.  I think it was Andrew at CAUMC small group who posited that doubt is a good thing because it means that you're engaging ... something like that, I don't even remember exactly; what I remember was how powerful an affirmation it was that "wrestling with faith" is a really good thing -- and I've hung tight to that assurance ever since (my facebook Religious Views are "wrestling with faith [low church Protestant]").  And my mother about made me cry when she told me some months ago, "I love that you struggle with Christianity fiercely and faithfully and I trust the Angel will not let you go without a blessing."

More generally, I just felt so vibrantly alive and engaged throughout class; apparently these texts really are where I live.

The "fuck you, she's awesome" meme was going around recently (explanation: people say they don't write fic about female characters because there are no female characters worth writing about in their fandoms, other people respond by posting about lots of awesome female characters).  Nobody's actually disputed that my mom is awesome, but I was thinking of it when I was first drafting this entry, hence the Subject Line.

A friend's sisters came to visit a few weeks ago, and they were reminiscing, and apparently their mom was (is) kind of controlling, and listening to them tell stories (and they totally love their mom, don't get me wrong) I was like, "Remind me to call my mom and thank her for being awesome."  I never actually did, but, um, mom, I'm telling you now?  O:-)

I tend to latch on to negative stories I hear about people and be all bitchy judgy, "How can you still want to have this person as part of your life?" but it occurred to me many days later that that's really unfair of me because how many times have I told stories of much of a fucker someone is and been like, "But I really value continuing to be in relationship with him"?

My mother said, about me and Jason, after that first post I made, "having not registered his attachment, I think I had about 10 seconds of thinking that it would be nice if you had found a legitimate dating possibility. Then, of course, I forgot."  Only in my world would this be a perfect response.  My mom wants me to be happy but is really not invested in the particulars (though she does actually try to be attentive to the details of my life to some extent).


Also: Happy 25th birthday to Cate -- who is responsible for, among other things, the fact that I'm an ASP subscriber and the fact that I know Jason.

I actually got my front door open without too much difficulty.  All day I had been dreading having to deal with this -- and I still don't know what I did differently, but I feel so much better about having to deal with this going forward now that I had success once.

And I am making (for values of "making" that equal "boiling") pierogies for dinner.

My mom emailed and YMed me this morning -- and emailed and called after work today -- to check in and say encouraging things.  *is loved*

***

( gym )

When I got in to the office, my computer was not responding to keyboard+mouse.  I eventually did a hard reboot (after literally checking all the cables) and it was fine.  What up?

I saw Sara (and Nithya) on my way back to the office from getting lunch, and initially I was gonna go back to my desk and work on Europe logistics, but then I decided that I could just stay after work and do that, since I wasn't in any rush to get home, so I had lunch with a clutch of new RAs.

And I still actually managed to put together a preliminary itinerary by midafternoon, and had a brief chat with my brother shortly thereafter and he's gonna look it over tonight and get back to me, so hopefully tomorrow I can make reservations.

I added a significant amount of information to the Recruiting outline (yay for Kathleen's process emails from last year).  And Aleta called me back (I'd emailed her on Thursday), so I didn't have to hound her.

And I did work on a few other actual work-related things -- more than I had expected I would accomplish, actually, given my paralyzing lack of motivation in the face of long to-do lists.

I finally canceled my cable/internet and gas/electric and emailed my former roomies to wrap stuff up.

My legs were tired/sore all day (hi, I walked like 6 miles yesterday -- half of it uphill) and after work I picked stuff up at CVS and Tags and walked to Davis and decided to just take the 96 bus home.

I really want to unpack, but I also really want to get a lot of sleep tonight.  But it's only 7pm, so I should be able to do a fair amount of unpacking (dishes and clothes at least -- not books and CDs tonight) and still get to bed at like 9pm.

Wow; it was snowing this morning (I would guess an inch of accumulation when I left for work) but when I came home from work most all ground surfaces were barer and drier than I'm used to them being.

Last night as I was going to bed, heard OriginalRoomie and NewRoomie talking about the census forms, with OriginalRoomie saying, "By August we'll probably all have moved out of here anyway."  I thought this was interesting.  I'd assumed NewRoomie would stay for the duration of her time at the Fletcher School, though recently I heard her say something about spending the summer with women's resistance work in the Sudan, so who knows.  I don't know of any reason why OriginalRoomie would be moving.  I think I'm equal parts intrigued and anxious at the prospect of having a whole new set of roommates next year.  (I certainly have no intention of moving again any time soon.)

I had lots of downtime at work and accomplished like nothing.  I've really gotta stop doing this.  Today I can cop out and blame tiredness and it being Friday, but really.  (I am going to bed early tonight, though.)

When second-flyout-guy left for the day, he said 'See you soon' to me, which I interpreted as a sign that he's gonna accept the job offer.  Will be interesting having two brand-new faculty; plus I'll be interested to see if they juggle the faculty any in terms of FA assignments or just swap out the incoming faculty for the departing faculty.

"Since I can call you from my pocket" -my mom, on having a cellphone, in conversation about our plans for the weekend

I think today was the first day I'd stepped out of the house since Wednesday.  Youch.  I went to the library to pick some books up.

Shelby was working Children's, so I went over to say hi because she's lovely.  We chatted about the usual stuff and she asked how United was doing.  "That's an interesting question," I said.  She was asking about the "spirit" of the church rather than the finances (which was how I first answered the question) and mentioned the Taegers -- who are one of the many who left United ~6 years ago, and who now go to the Baptist and I didn't realize knew the Warners.  I said most of the people who were upset by what happened had left, so it was pretty much happily chugging along as its own new entity now, but it's really not my church, in so many ways, a number of which I talked about.

We also talked about jobness and of course there was the question of what I would ideally wanna be doing, and she asked if I write, and I talked about how I'm good at discussing things with people and how I would love to get to do things on my own terms, to talk about fairytales and tv and movies and connections and just be trusted to be smart and not have to prove myself to an admissions or hiring committee, and how I'm not good at having an idea of my own which I can sustain throughout the course of a paper.  I hadn't ever quite articulated that portion of it (the fact that it's hard to sell a board on my flavor of cultural studies has of course become old hat) and now that I'm typing it up I think, "Being a college professor, if you're a humanities prof at a liberal arts college, leading discussion is what you do, though there still is that hateful requirement that you publish regularly."

She said she was glad I come in and check in, that it's nice to hear from me, and she sounded sincere.  I have come to not trust my readings of such, but it was a positive conversation regardless.

I also chatted with Michele for a while, about gifting among other things.  I feel like I'm treated more like an adult than like a kid, which is nice.

Me: So, I'm debating whether or not I should watch tonight's CSI rerun, 'cause I know I've seen this episode before.
Mom: Why would you be watching the episode again if you know you've already seen it?  For the order?  In case there was subtle character development you missed the first time around?  The CSI characters are too adorable not to watch?
Me (shamefacedly): Okay, I wouldn't call the CSI characters "adorable," but up until then, you were exactly right.

Cat called shortly after the show started, so I watched about 20 minutes with the mute on, which was enough to remind me more fully what the episode was about and also to remind me that it's a rather depressing episode I really don't need to watch again.

My mother says she doesn't consider information from me really official until it's been "enshrined" in (my) LJ.  " 'I'm converting to Buddhism and moving to Tibet.'  I'll send a condolence letter to the Dalai Lama.  'I know you're probably the most grounded person on the planet, but this girl's gonna be a test.' "

P.S. Neil Gaiman is love.

And this is not about Neil Gaiman, but confession time before Advent (time to prepare one's heart for the coming of God Incarnate).  I think I understand that "Thou shalt not covet" commandment better now.  It's about being content with what you have, but it's also about not begrudging others what they have.  I find myself sort of seething negative energy when I read really amazing fic sometimes.  I also totally rock the inferiority/superiority complex thing, and I begin to think the two are related -- that it's not just jealousy in the sense of "I wish I had that ability" but also "You do not deserve to have that ability."  Which is somewhat troubling.  I would be a happier person if I didn't hate people so frequently.

"I will" -me, at the end of a telephone conversation
"Just so long as you didn't agree to sell your soul for a part on the Angel movie or something" -my mother
*bursts out laughing* -me
"Well it would have to be a worthy cause" -my mother

That is scary, because most people think of their kids as heterosexual," he says. "Any divergence is scary, even for the most liberal parent."

http://content.health.msn.com/content/article/84/98064.htm?printing=true

When i came out as bi to my parents, their basic reaction was "We just want you to be happy," so when i read the above i e-mailed them asking "was i scary?" and got lovely "No. And you probably want a more detailed answer, so here is one..." responses from them. As my mother put it, "It's hard to know what will bother you until you're there, but I'm thinking I really do just want you to be happy." She has said the following before, but it still makes me teary: "Other people worry about their daughters being raped, kidnapped, murdered ... I worry someone will break your heart and I won't be able to make it better." One of the stories i love hearing about my childhood is about bringing home a dead flower and giving it to my mother (who was always mending clothes and such) with all the faith of a child that she could "fix it."

So Prof. Millington told us in class today that there’s an English Dept. “picnic” this Monday, at the Field House, from 5-7. Dork that i am i really wanna go. And so i shall. And Joan’s going to try to come. I’m going to drag her.

At lunch today, some people were talking about a friend who is anorexic. (Recurrent themes are weird things, huh?) It makes me so sad that even students at a place like Smith have eating disorders. I know anorexia is often more about control than it is about body image, but it still makes me so sad that Smithies of all people would develop this obsession with fitting into society’s image of the perfect body.

This site is so great. I own the "Start a Revolution --- Stop Hating Your Body" t-shirt. For my birthday this year i am getting this "If the definition of beautiful gets any thinner no one will fit" t-shirt.

Oh, and i would like to state that my mother is one of the bestest people ever. Thank you.

For anyone who didn’t read her comment, one of the reasons she cited for why i won’t really have an emotional breakdown is the fact that i “seem to be developing” a “community of good souls.”

jessikins4774 added me to her friends list. (Incidentally, it’s weird to read the LJs of Smithies because so many of them are so wonderful and i would love to get to know them better and of course they all must live within 10 minutes of me--during the school year that is--but because it’s the Internet i have this mental block that they exist in some faraway never-shall-we-meet realm. But i digress.) And on her friends page i’m grey writing on black background, which i like so much better than yellow or green on pink, which is what i am on the friends pages of those who color their friends pages (this should make sense to most people who are on livejournal; if you’re confused lemme know and i’ll explain). And the random Amherst boy who had added me to his friends list a while back just because i listed my location as Massachusetts took me off. My world is a saner place now.