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I was reading a post by a friend last night, and she mentioned the (now familiar to me) concept that the commandment to "Love your neighbor as yourself" requires that you do in fact love yourself, and how this self-love continues to be a challenge for her.  [Edit: Er, I seem to have neglected to actually write up the bit about my reaction to that.  I had intended to say that self-love I really don't have much difficulty with, which would then lead into the following thought.]  Later I was thinking about how the next day was Ash Wednesday and wondering whether I wanted to go to an evening service and get ashed, and I was thinking how it would be appropriate to confess my brokenness before God, in keeping with the theme of Lent of desert days and how as Tiffany mentioned it used to be a period of preparation for catechumens before baptism, and I was struck by just how resistant to that idea I am -- how I want to have it all under control on my own.

In another friend's post, [livejournal.com profile] mrs_redboots commented, "I was once told that having the ashes imposed is a sign of humility - but failing to wipe them off before you leave the church can be a sign of spiritual pride!"  I definitely understand this idea, but my perspective was very much one tied in with Coming Out.  I was hugely hesitant to be visibly ashed because it's a very public declaration and as someone who is very hesitant to claim an identity of Christian believer, this is an anxious thing (there are also other identity/honesty issues tied up in that because I think of getting ashed as such a Catholic thing and I am so not Catholic).  So for me, going out ashed would be a brave and frightening thing, though admittedly there are issues of pride in there.  Having moved from a Catholic town to heavily secular environments, I'm far more inclined to viewing going out ashed as a brave thing, though I can certainly see how it could be a pride thing for some people.

I did end up going to Ash Wednesday service at CAUMC tonight.  My first ever.

We sang "Sunday's Palms Are Wednesday's Ashes" (The Faith We Sing 2138) which I liked a lot and could really get into as a statement about Lent.  Sadly, the words do not seem to exist online.  Will have to steal a copy from the church.

Gary and Tiffany talked about how Lent shouldn't be about beating ourselves up but about working toward wholeness, and about the catechumens and learning/teaching how to be a Christian/follows Jesus.

Tallessyn and Dan and their wee girls were in front of me, and Gary said, "This is a reminder that Jesus loves you very much," as he ashed the wee ones.  ♥  (He did the traditional "ashes to ashes" bit with all us big people -- though earlier one of them had said that yes we are dirt but we are dirt formed in the very image of God.)

There was also Communion.  Tiffany held the bread and started her statement to me with my name, which I always find powerful, and said something about, "May you rejoice in God always," which I interpreted as connected to our conversation last night about my faith struggle.  Andrew held the cup and said, "The cup of love, given for you."  I'm used to hearing "Cup of Life," which I like fine, but I really liked this new way, especially because it made me think of the idea of replacing "blood" with "love" in hymns [blood is powerful, so I'm not endorsing this as an entire thing, but an overemphasis on suffering can be detrimental, and it's also just really interesting how easily "love" can replace "blood" in so much hymnology].

Interestingly, I passed various people on my home from service and almost never actually thought about the fact that I was ashed.

***

Beth Moore's Believing God is currently sitting in my bathroom.  Huh.

***

In other news, I stopped by Staples after work to get a new keyboard, and I was totally failing at gauging what felt right, so I ended up just picking one and as I was setting it up at home I was thinking, "Wait, this resembles the new one my parents got -- which I hated."  Yup, sure enough, I keep messing up using the Home/End/Delete/PgUp/PgDn keys, and occasionally some of the regular keys as well.  ::smites::  I love staples.com, though, for having a thing you can print out and leave for the driver to tell them to leave the package without a signature.  (Having ordered things and found out after the fact that the delivery would require someone to sign for it, this is rather a big deal for me.)

Date: 2007-02-22 04:19 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sk8eeyore.livejournal.com
It makes me sad that they don't say people's names either before ashing you or giving you communion at my church. I figure this is because the celebrant doesn't necessarily know the names of everyone in attendance and doesn't want to make those people feel excluded, but then again, I've been in very intimate services where everyone knew each other and we weren't named there, either. I think it would be so lovely if they would. Maybe if I get the courage I'll ask Kathryn about it sometime.

Date: 2007-02-23 03:56 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] hermionesviolin.livejournal.com
I think Trelawney said my name when she gave me Communion when I was at CAUMC on a Communion Sunday. I think Tiffany usually says names at Cambridge Welcoming. It makes a lot of sense to me to do. I can definitely understand the desire to not be exclusionary, though I doubt most people pay much attention to what the celebrant is saying to the person in front of them (or even next to them if you're doing altar rail).

Date: 2007-02-22 04:52 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] rebekahroxanna.livejournal.com
Sing the Faith or the Faith We Sing costs about $9. (the paperback pew version).

The lectionary Godpel text for Ash Wednesday is about not parading your faith in public. I always find it interesting that we have it on Ash Wednesday, the one day Christians do parade their piety in public (of course, Presbyterians generally have Ash Wednesday services at night, so we can go straight home and wash our faces). I try to say the person's name as I ash them or servie communion. Sometimes someone whose name I absolutely know goes away. I just leave it out. I like this is the cup of love given for you.

Date: 2007-02-23 04:01 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] hermionesviolin.livejournal.com
I was just gonna snag a pew hymnal and make a photocopy of that page, definitely don't need the whole hymnal.

As [livejournal.com profile] sk8eeyore mentioned above, it can feel exclusionary if your name isn't said and others' are -- though I suspect most people aren't really listening to what's being said to the people in front of/next to them. I don't think I would feel thought less of if a celebrant didn't say my name even if I knew they did it for other people -- though that's largely because I'm used to being a visitor at churches.

Date: 2007-02-22 09:06 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sangerin.livejournal.com
I might say more after I've been good and done my gym time, but I definitely see leaving the church ashed (and going home on public transport) as a (difficult) act of quiet witness.

And this year is the first year I've gone the whole day without seeing another person with ash on their forehead (although I didn't leave the office at all at lunchtime, and got there ludicrously early.

Gym. *prods self* Gym...

Date: 2007-02-23 04:03 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] hermionesviolin.livejournal.com
Last night I'd decided I was gonna get up early and go to the gym before work. That sounded far less feasible this morning when my alarm was actually going off :(

The only person I saw ashed outside of CAUMC was my Staples cashier.

I definitely see leaving the church ashed (and going home on public transport) as a (difficult) act of quiet witness.

Yes! Very well-articulated.

Date: 2007-02-22 01:34 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mari4212.livejournal.com
Possibly because I'm normally in environments where there are a lot of people who receive ashes, I've always taken it, outside of the service, to be a sign of belonging within the community. If I was comfortable with the others around me who were also ashed, I wouldn't bother to wipe them off. If, however, I did not want to feel like I was identifying myself with the others around me, I'd either keep the ashes on if they'd wiped them off, or if they kept theirs on, I'd wipe off my own.

I don't tend to view it as telling those around me about my faith, that much, but for the most part, those who are interacting with me already know who and what I am, and what I believe. I don't need the ashes to identify myself as a Christian, so for me it becomes whether or not I identify as part of the community. And that might explain why I chose not to receive ashes this year, I've felt very cut off from the local Catholic community, and I didn't want to identify with them as much.

Gah, I miss my home church community at times like this.

Date: 2007-02-23 04:08 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] hermionesviolin.livejournal.com
That reminds me a lot of my feelings on taking Communion -- its primary significance for me is to identify myself as a part of the community I am with at that moment (though I'm working on that a little bit), so I often don't take communion at UCN for example.

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hermionesviolin: an image of Alyson Hannigan (who plays Willow Rosenberg) with animated text "you think you know / what you are / what's to come / you haven't even / BEGUN" (Default)
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