burning like matchsticks in the face of the darkness

I like Megan's phrasing of "emotionally at risk" for describing how I am for once NOT reacting to my concern for various beloveds.  I am definitely concerned about them and thinking about them a lot (so it's possible that I will work myself into a meltdown), but I am not actually risking my emotional well-being in that concern.  And really this emotional detachment is a healthy thing and not something I should be concerned about.  (I have also been able to be crankypants about things without being wrecked by them -- again with the detachment/distance.)  I think part (though not all) of my concern is around the fact that this is cotemporaneous with a general failure to be motivated to be productive in just about every area, so I worry that it's part of a trend of unhealthy apathy, but clearly I do care very much about the situations of these beloveds, and emotional detachment/distance does not equal apathy.

---

"Joy Sadhana is a daily practice in the observation of joy."
-mylittleredgirl [more info]

Do not be afraid, I am with you
I have called you each by name
Come and follow Me
I will bring you home
I love you and you are mine
     -"You Are Mine" (David Haas)

Five good things about today:
1. Ian brought back chocolate chip cookies from the FacCommons.
2. People praised me for my performance of the lay minister role at Rest and Bread.  I forget if it was Laura or Laura Ruth who said I had a "dignity" in doing it.  Laura mentioned something about ministry and I kinda laughed a little ('cause people keep saying this) and insisted that I am not cut out for ministry, not of the ordained pastoral ministry kind.  Laura Ruth said I am so caring (before service I was telling her about the latest with Terry, and she interrupted me to tell me how kind I am), and I said I care about specific people but I don't think I'd be good at having to care about an entire congregation.  She said maybe a liturgical position, then.  I asked for details on what this would entail, and then I had to leave, so I am saying here: yes I would love getting to be in charge of how things are done, but I feel like I don't have the soul for liturgy -- I'm so academic rather than devotional, that I feel like I would need other people to make a lot of the decisions ... though I suppose it could be an exercise in being attentive to people (not just the concerns they vocalize, and not just even trying to tease information/reactions out of them, but trying to pay attention to the unspoken cues).
3. Potluck party at RED class ... people joked that it really was Harvard -- Jen made baked Brie, Ilene brought the leftover wine from the interns party, Lydia brought some salmon spread...  [And classmate-Megan thought to bring the uneaten leftovers to the Harvard Square Homeless Shelter.]
4. I actually got to run through my to-do list with B.
5. We actually have a good schedule for tomorrow's candidate -- which I managed to get out in a fairly complete form reasonably well before the end of the day.

Three things I did well today:
1. I went to the ( gym )
2. chainkill and I walked to the T together, and on the train I came up with a possible solution for something he was talking about.
3. I booked the hotel room for muskratjamboree (and forwarded the information to the roommates).
4. I was the lay minister at Rest and Bread and did well.  I hadn't really realized that I would actually have to say anything besides just reading what's printed (I had to introduce various sections -- Call to Worship, Sacred Text, Corporate Confession, Silent Confession, Assurance of Grace).  Laura (new to me) asked me afterward if I had done this before, and I said not this-this, and talked about how I had helped with Communion at CWM.  She said that I came across as very practiced.
5. I participated in my RED group presentation and did not die.  Someone else had put together a bullet point slide, but I had done no prep of my own, no rereading of the book I had read to ground and texturize what I was saying.  Mine was like the penultimate slide, and as the presentation went on I could feel myself getting more anxious, and when it was actually my turn to present I could feel that I was really rushed and I was literally losing my words.  But in the break between presentations one of our classmates was like, "good job" -- L. and I were both like, "But we were nervous and did a bad job."  I expect he was saying it partly out of social convention (ditto the reassurance after our reaction), but it was still nice.

Two things I am looking forward to (doing [better]) tomorrow:
["anything that you're looking forward to, that means you're facing tomorrow with joy, not trepidation," as Ari says]
1. CAUMC small group
2. Meeting entertaining!candidate.

---

Rest and Bread ("Fire")

Psalm 27

Sacred Text: "A Litany for Survival" by Audre Lorde

Reflection: Laura Ruth talked about fear of fire/fire of fear and the fire of God.
She said that while fear can very much be a healthy and useful thing, the habit of fear can be a sin -- that time spent worrying is time not spent searching for God, not spent seeking justice.

Edit: I meant to mention that Laura Ruth's email to the listserv began:

Dear Beloved,

It's bitter outside, or maybe it's invigorating outside. Come in from the bitter cold or go out into the invigorating cold - and come pray with us.

I've been checking my work email approximately once a day over the break.

While Ari was getting her stuff together before we headed out this morning, I checked my work email -- I almost didn't 'cause I didn't want our parting to be colored by me being all cranky (yesterday I'd had a number of emails requiring I do an assortment of work, which was really inconvenient timing).

There was an email from Ian from yesterday afternoon, titled "please read: final AEA logistics," and for a split-second I thought, "What is there still left for me to do?" but it was an email to everyone going to SF with a sort of refresher summary of need-to-know for the weekend.

From the email:

SA Elizabeth will be in San Francisco.  (SA stands for "Super Assistant," if you didn't know.)

I literally felt like some of the weight of all this had been lifted off of me.

I emailed him back: "You make me feel so much better about doing all this work.  Seriously, I mean it."

I'm now back to worrying that the binders we sent won't have arrived, that I won't be able to figure out how to connect to the hotel wireless, that something will go wrong with the catering, etc., but it was a nice feeling at the time.

***

flight plan:

Fri. Jan. 2: United 177 [11:20 am - 3:03 pm] BOS-SFO
Mon. Jan. 5: American Airlines 194 [1:35 pm - 10:00 pm] SFO-BOS

Staying at the Hotel Nikko.  I'll have my cell and a loaner laptop, so I should be reachable.

This should have been posted last night, but I was too tired when I got home from class to finish it. So all the "todays" &etc. remain as if it were posted Wednesday night.

-----

( gym )

***

Ed Rollins (R) was on CNN AM and said that neither candidate was inspiring, which was what he thinks people want, that it was a lot of Senate floor talk. That sounded exactly accurate to me.

I avoided the liveblogs last night, but I just about hurt myself laughing reading this one [Will Wilkinson]. (I don't know what the "transvestite" line at the beginning is about, and I'm choosing to ignore it. It's a libertarian blogger, so a lot of the economic stuff &etc. may rub my liberal flisters the wrong way. It gets better as it goes along. The timestamps are Central time zone.)

( excerpts )

Daniel Drezner summed up:

In the end, both candidates put forward mainstream internationalist positions on most issues related to national security, stressing the prudent use of military force, working in concert with allies and insisting that America could still be an active force for good in the world.

What was odd was that this hopeful vision of America's role in the world clashed badly with their rhetoric on the global economy. When talk turned to economics, the rest of the world was viewed as a scary, scary place.

***

The power went out shortly before noon (and stayed out for a half an hour).

Ian went and got lunch (tofu stirfry!) and was hanging out by my desk chatting while the power remained out. (It's hard to do much work here without our computers, and we FAs were still gonna wait until about 12:30 to head to lunch in order to miss the student rush.)

I forget how we got on it, but Ian said, "You're not worried about getting electronically outsourced?" I said the amount of person management I do...

Talking about how people are forever asking me where something/someone is, Ian said, "You like it. You could be all passive-aggressive [mimes turning his head down and away as if sitting at a desk avoiding someone] but instead you [demonstrates how I'll perk up and say, "How can I help you?" -- I didn't nitpick that what I actually say is, "Can I help you?"] I've seen you." I said yeah, I totally love being helpful. (I didn't mention that it connects to my being a control-freak, but that might have been implied.)

I said if someone could develop a Marauder's Map, that would be great. Ian asked, "Marauder's Map?" I said yeah, from Harry Potter -- it's a map of Hogwarts, the school, and it'll show you where anyone is on the school grounds, as a dot on the map with their name.
He said he's the only person who's never read one word of Harry Potter. I said my mom read them to my younger brother when they were first coming out in England and I was doing homework on the computer in the other room and got sucked in.
He said, "You're a geek, I know," in this tone of like, "You don't have to defend yourself, it's okay." I said I'll get militantly defensive about other stuff (I didn't specify, but of course Buffy was what immediately came to my mind), but I wasn't getting defensive, just explaining.

[Dude, you can get it as a screensaver!]

***

I used the phrase "marginal utility" at lunch, and MaryAlice said, "You are taking an econ class." She said she recognized the phrase, but she wouldn't have thought of it to use it.

She said something about Chinese buffet night, and I restrained myself from saying, "AT THE CHINESE BUFFET, WATER IS ON THE HOUSE." (ref. this Dinosaur Comics, and musesfool's subsequent tag)

***

How have I not learned to just be proactive ALWAYS when it comes to work stuff? It always works out better that way. Sigh.

***

I got to Rest and Bread early and walked into the church office to make myself useful. Laura Ruth introduced me to Jamie, the new church administrator (I think), and said, "Elizabeth is..." I thought, "I see you searching for a phrase appropriate for public company" -- because when she introduced me to Meck at brunch a few weeks ago, she used the phrase "church whore," among others -- and she ultimately finished her sentence to Jamie with: "resident church whore." I laughed. She continued: "She frequents all the houses of worship up and down the street." (This is an overstatement, because there are at least six distinct faith communities on College Ave. and I'm only affiliated with three of them, but I LOVE that phrasing.)

At one point while we were setting up I said to Laura Ruth, "Am I allowed to ask you how you've been, or would that be too distracting?" She said yes at the moment that would be too distracting -- but the short version is that she's doing great.

Rest and Bread ("Welcoming the Stranger")

In the Welcome, Laura Ruth said, "We know each other some," but that we don't know all parts of each other -- which in light of Sunday at CWM I read as a subtle nod to National Coming Out Day &etc., whether it was intended so or not.

She said when thinking about welcoming the stranger, we have to ask ourselves, "Who is stranger, us or them," which I thought a nice pun.

The Psalm was Psalm 120.

The Sacred Texts were from Deuteronomy ("...love the stranger") and Hebrews ("let mutual love continue ... entertained angels unawares").

Reflection:
Laura Ruth talked about welcoming the stranger. She talked about how encountering strangers brings newness into our lives and that can be disruptive and threatening.
She said that prayer is about curiosity, not control. (I forget exactly how that related, but I liked it.)
She talked about the "entertained angels unawares" thing and said that one way we can react when we encounter the stranger -- even when it's that crazy guy in the park yelling -- is to think, "Maybe it's Jesus" (I thought of that bit in Anne Lamott's Traveling Mercies I think it was, where talks about making a conscious effort to just when she takes the dog out for a walk to see Jesus in the face of every single person she encounters -- or maybe it's just the first person she encounters? but I think it's everyone). She said that Jesus is pure holiness, . I have issue with this because thanks to Old Testament classes and stuff, I can't help thinking of "holy" as "whole," and we are (as she said) broken. [By the time service was over, I had forgotten about probing about this -- and I couldn't stay too long anyway, as I had class -- so I'll be emailing her about this.]

(In other news, Laura Ruth made me an official, computer print out, clip-on, nametag.)

***

Today's mail included:
* my voter registration confirmation (though "I Vote You Vote - a project of the non-partisan American Democracy Institute" says, "Sorry. We can't confirm Elizabeth [redacted] is registered to vote in Massachusetts." -- I suspect they're just a little behind)
* a $36.75 refund check from RCN
* my American Red Cross donor card (I'm O Positive!)

***

Yom Kippur began at sunset tonight. If I've hurt you, or you think you've hurt me, please let me know.

( gym )

***

Do I wanna go to Many Stories, One Voice: Ecumenical Welcoming Movement Celebration?  It's Thursday-Sunday the weekend after Labor Day (ha -- I'd miss the opening Singspiration of the season ... after the conversation my mom and I had, I wrote JoeF a letter in which I mentioned that "it feels easier to just let people at United assume I am who they think I am;" I did not mention that I try not to lie in answer to direct questions, but this reminded me that last time: I said I was staying overnight but then getting an early train back to Boston to attend a conference, and GinnyH actually asked me what the conference was, and I said, "transgender legal issues," and she didn't give me shockface or anything, in fact started asking me about it like had I learned interesting/useful stuff or something like that and I just went with it and did my best to answer).
It's in NOLA, at the Marriott.  *checks*  Our horrible experience was at the Doubletree.  *relief*

Speaking of United... I got the "Responses to 'Family Meeting' Questionnaire" (cf. a March 7 meeting, apparently) today.  I feel like that's cutting it close for an April 6 evening meeting (reminder to self: lift that up in Prayers of the People on Sunday -- also: hai, Singspiration one week from tonight's gonna be interesting), though possibly town residents got theirs earlier since it's Local mail.  Anyway.  I shouldn't be surprised that JoeF sent me one.  I skimmed it, and some of it's good and some of it reminds me why that is Not My Church and of course some people's thoughts directly contradict other people's thoughts.

***

Today was a slow day, so I'm not up for teasing out a full list of joy sadhana items, but I did want to note that today's pasta special included Tofu Picatta.  Hi, this is the first time I have ever seen tofu on the pasta bar.  Okay, I paid $2.15 additional (pasta w/o protein is $5.00) but....

***

We went to Wisteria (a Chinese food place near where Cate and Jason live) for dinner.
    Their fruit smoothie drinks include "Purple Tour of Romance" and "Sea of Magic," which we totally ordered.
    Some of our food and drink was a bit slow in coming, which was only a problem because we were pressed for time.
    I had scallion pancakes, which I had for the first time last night and am apparently a big fan of.  I also got "vegetable ravioli" (basically steamed dumplings) which I was less thrilled with, though they weren't bad.

***

We saw ASP's production of The Tempest, and I was unimpressed.  ( Read more... )

I left the house around 7:10 this morning and by about 7:25 (partway down Holland St.) it was seriously raining.  As Katie and I crossed the bridge on the way to work, we were like, "Was that lightning?" and then we heard thunder, so yeah.

( gym )

"Joy Sadhana is a daily practice in the observation of joy." -mylittleredgirl [more info]
This is the day that the Lord has made. Let us rejoice and be glad in it.
-Psalm 118:24

Five good things about today:
1. Eric reminded me that The Sarah Connor Chronicles start this weekend -- Pilot: Sunday @ 8pm ET, Episode 2: Monday @ 9pm ET (on FOX).  [I still haven't sorted my videotaping situation -- had let it languish due to the strike -- so do I peace out of CWM dinner relatively quickly on Sunday?]
2. Pasta for lunch.
3. Wendy Wasserstein's Third
4. Ian.
5. The scheduling conflicts I caught today got resolved by the end of the workday today.  W00t!

Three things I did well today:
1. I caught a bunch of scheduling conflicts.  Okay, I should have caught them yesterday, but they're still a couple weeks off, so the day delay is not a big deal.
2. Successfully executed a social outing.
3. I provided guest parking passes for a needy friend :)

Two things I am looking forward to (doing [better]) tomorrow:
1. Doing some errands.
2. Getting some sleep.

Yesterday morning, Ian e-mailed me (in response to something else): "I'll be in in about 20 minutes.  I'll have a surprise for you."

He actually didn't get in for more like 40 minutes, and I never did get anything, so I e-mailed at the end of the day:

> I'll have a surprise for you.

Why does that frighten me?

(However, I was still hoping I'd get a toy surprise* or something.)

* From BtVS 3.20:
GILES: You did good work tonight, Buffy.
BUFFY: And I got a little toy surprise.

This morning he walked in and handed me a large hot chocolate.  Which had marshmallows.  Which led to an extended conversation about gelatin and what products contain it.  [snopes on JELL-O]

[I'm extra-amused because I prompted a comment thread about the use of miniscule amounts of dead cow in McDonald's french fries on one of Amy's filtered entries last night]

I'd forgotten about photo emulsion and pills.

Cosmetics, lozenges, and ointments.  Okay, this makes some sense, though it had never occurred to me to check.

News to me: Salad dressing?  Sour cream and cream cheese?  Cake icing and frosting?  I've always thought the frosting on store bought cakes was gross anyway.  Though cream cheese?  My mommy's awesome frosting is cream cheese based.  *pouts*  (I guess after my yogurt issue I shouldn't be surprised by all this.  Wikipedia also suggests jelly and ice cream and, oh, good grief, "Gelatin is used for the clarification of juices, such as apple juice, and of vinegar. Isinglass, from the swim bladders of fish, is still in use as a fining agent for wine and beer."  Oh and then there's fun stuff like "Gelatin is closely related to bone glue and is used as a binder in match heads and sandpaper." and "As a surface sizing, it smooths glossy printing papers or playing cards and maintains the wrinkles in crêpe paper."  *facepalm*  Also: "Used as a carrier, coating or separating agent for other substances, it, for example, makes beta-carotene water-soluble, thus imparting a yellow color to any soft drinks containing beta-carotene.")

Theater lights?  I'm unclear as to whether this is still true.

***

Yesterday, Laura put up (blinking!) multi-colored Christmas tree lights around her desk.  They subsequently showed up on Rich's and Katie's desks as well.  They actually don't bother me as much as I might have thought they would, but I remain a white light girl (as well as one who's not particularly into seasonally decorating, at her workplace in particular).

This afternoon she asked me, "Do you want some lights?"  I said no politely, and she said, "Okay, if you want to be a scrooge."  I said I was fine with that.  She said she was just teasing, and I said I knew that, but that I was still okay with that identification.

In other news: The other day, Katie said the ice wouldn't be so bad if only people put sand out on it.  My immediate thought (unspoken) was: Nah, if it doesn't melt the ice (like salt) then what's the point?  However, recent commutes have convinced me of the error of my thinking.  Traction is awesome, people.

I got my hair cut at Salon Cu tonight.  (And checking my tag, I'm comforted that it's been about a month since I last got it cut, so it's not quite as ridiculous as I had feared.)  It goes down to my ears, which takes a little getting used to (it's only about two inches shorter, but at that length everything feels a little dramatic) but I think it's what I want.  The woman who cut my hair, Christine, basically didn't talk to me at all, which as I've said here before is fine by me, though it was weird to me that she didn't even make any effort to engage me (I mean, I don't think I sounded that stand-off-ish or anything when I answered her question about what I wanted done to my hair).

If only I could pull off butch short hair.  Really my life would be easier in so many ways if I were a boy (hello finding dress shirts and pants that fit, and no bras, and pants with pockets, and on and on goes the list).  Not that I have any actual desire to be a boy.

***

I was browsing Reason online today and read "Why The Right Shifted on Immigration" (Steve Chapman), which was interesting.

Later, reading the comments on a post by Megan McArdle on needle exchange, I learned the term "negative externality."  I used the term "opportunity cost" in conversation this morning, and I've started jokingly using the term "human capital" (as in "building human capital").  I need a quippy tag for my budding usage of business school terms.  [I'm not entirely sure what to do with my "it's the economy stupid" tag.]

---

Advent meditation: Matthew 11:2-11 (NRSV)
     Tom did the meditation, in which he mentioned (re: Jesus): "Maybe the important thing is not so much who he is or what he does, but the effect his presence has on those around him."

+

joy sadhana for Advent (17)

"Joy Sadhana is a daily practice in the observation of joy." -mylittleredgirl [more info]

And you, child, will be called the prophet of the Most High; for you will go before our God to prepare the ways, to give knowledge of salvation to God's people by the forgiveness of sins.  By the tender mercy of our God, the dawn from on high will break upon us, to give light to those who sit in darkness and in the shadow of death, to guide our feet into the way of peace."
-Luke 1:76-79

Five good things about today:
1. Strawberry yogurt parfait, still making me happy.  (I didn't have breakfast, and after the gym I was hoping to have one, not quite feeling in an omelet mood, and indeed they had some.)  And while I really wasn't into the Alsace GlobalVeg for lunch, dried cherries turned out to be pretty good.
2. Tomorrow's CHPC Bible Study got canceled, so now I can go to the Blue Christmas Longest Night service at the UCC.
3. I got my hair cut.
4. Dear Ari: Your card came today.  You referenced one of the greatest fics you've ever written, so no worries about the general plotlessness or whatever of the ficlet.  I am envisioning Charlotte having made a collage card and am trying to decide whether she went traditional skin mag or suggestive combination of pictures and text from like Good Housekeeping or something in her collage selection.
5. Southland Tales graphic novel Volume 2 had some interesting bits to it, and I'm liking Our Lives As Torah a lot.  (Supposedly -- meme at the bottom of this entry -- I've already read the latter, but I don't actually have distinct memories of it, so I'm discovering it anew.)

Three things I did well today:
1. I did ~15 minutes in the weight room.
2. I purchased (and wrapped) a Christmas gift for Nicole.  (I had the idea on a whim based on recent chance incidents.  I really do like doing nice things for people, but obligatory gift-giving occasions do not agree with me.)
3. I made myself dinner and washed dishes.

Two things I am looking forward to (doing [better]) tomorrow:
1. HBS holiday party
2. Coffee with Tiffany.
BONUS: Longest Night service

I was definitely not as productive this weekend as I had hoped to be -- I didn't even get caught up on LJ comments -- but I slept a lot, which was awesome.

I feel off-kilter or un-centered or something, and I'm not entirely sure how to remedy it.  Doing some sort of daily devotional for Advent sounds like a good idea. (Anyone have any suggestions?)  "The people that walked in darkness have seen a great light.  And they that dwell in the land of the shadow of death, upon them hath the light shined." -Isaiah 9:2 (Handel's Messiah)

This is two weeks in a row I haven't reviewed for ASL class.  *fail*  I haven't done any Extension School class reading either, but that's more expected.

Walking to ASL class tonight the traffic (on Cambridge Street especially) kept making me nervous.  I suspect largely because I'd seen a car get rear-ended on my way in to work this morning.

I felt... overwhelmed is an excessive term... but not entirely on my game at work today.  Partly because of the holiday -- meant I was starting one day closer to everything I had to get taken care of (like the schedule for Wednesday's visiting speaker).  I'm looking forward to the upcoming additional time off, though I'm not sure how much it'll actually help.  I have so much I want to do but difficulty focusing.

Good things about today included Ian entertaining me.  A lot.

I don't do Starbucks, but what exactly would be the correct way to order a: decaf venti sugar free extra hot gingerbread latte with whole milk.  Anyone know?  (Yeah, I'm Research Girl even when I have no personal stake in the answer.)

( I did go to the gym this morning. )

***

I want to swap out my current Smith College icon for an Ainsley Hayes icon, possibly with a quote from "17 People."  I don't know where to get such a thing, though.  I checked tww_icons and they don't have tags (understandable) and the most recent pages focus on the later seasons (also understandable).

I am considering using the CJ "I'm great in bed" icon here to replace my "...and no whore jokes" Morena icon.

***

From the flist:

You are the _____ to my _______. It works like this: Basically, comment telling me that I am the (SOMETHING) to your (SOMETHING).

It was couched as character names, which I enjoy, but I didn't like their options, so I offer: the Ainsley Hayes to my Sam Seaborn, the Hermione Granger to my Ron Weasley, the Ted Mosby to my Robin Scherbatsky.  I've also seen inanimate object combinations, which I support as well.

Wow; it was snowing this morning (I would guess an inch of accumulation when I left for work) but when I came home from work most all ground surfaces were barer and drier than I'm used to them being.

Last night as I was going to bed, heard OriginalRoomie and NewRoomie talking about the census forms, with OriginalRoomie saying, "By August we'll probably all have moved out of here anyway."  I thought this was interesting.  I'd assumed NewRoomie would stay for the duration of her time at the Fletcher School, though recently I heard her say something about spending the summer with women's resistance work in the Sudan, so who knows.  I don't know of any reason why OriginalRoomie would be moving.  I think I'm equal parts intrigued and anxious at the prospect of having a whole new set of roommates next year.  (I certainly have no intention of moving again any time soon.)

I had lots of downtime at work and accomplished like nothing.  I've really gotta stop doing this.  Today I can cop out and blame tiredness and it being Friday, but really.  (I am going to bed early tonight, though.)

When second-flyout-guy left for the day, he said 'See you soon' to me, which I interpreted as a sign that he's gonna accept the job offer.  Will be interesting having two brand-new faculty; plus I'll be interested to see if they juggle the faculty any in terms of FA assignments or just swap out the incoming faculty for the departing faculty.

"Since I can call you from my pocket" -my mom, on having a cellphone, in conversation about our plans for the weekend