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hermionesviolinI like Megan's phrasing of "emotionally at risk" for describing how I am for once NOT reacting to my concern for various beloveds. I am definitely concerned about them and thinking about them a lot (so it's possible that I will work myself into a meltdown), but I am not actually risking my emotional well-being in that concern. And really this emotional detachment is a healthy thing and not something I should be concerned about. (I have also been able to be crankypants about things without being wrecked by them -- again with the detachment/distance.) I think part (though not all) of my concern is around the fact that this is cotemporaneous with a general failure to be motivated to be productive in just about every area, so I worry that it's part of a trend of unhealthy apathy, but clearly I do care very much about the situations of these beloveds, and emotional detachment/distance does not equal apathy.
"Joy Sadhana is a daily practice in the observation of joy."
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mylittleredgirl [more info]
Do not be afraid, I am with you
I have called you each by name
Come and follow Me
I will bring you home
I love you and you are mine
-"You Are Mine" (David Haas)
Five good things about today:
1. Ian brought back chocolate chip cookies from the FacCommons.
2. People praised me for my performance of the lay minister role at Rest and Bread. I forget if it was Laura or Laura Ruth who said I had a "dignity" in doing it. Laura mentioned something about ministry and I kinda laughed a little ('cause people keep saying this) and insisted that I am not cut out for ministry, not of the ordained pastoral ministry kind. Laura Ruth said I am so caring (before service I was telling her about the latest with Terry, and she interrupted me to tell me how kind I am), and I said I care about specific people but I don't think I'd be good at having to care about an entire congregation. She said maybe a liturgical position, then. I asked for details on what this would entail, and then I had to leave, so I am saying here: yes I would love getting to be in charge of how things are done, but I feel like I don't have the soul for liturgy -- I'm so academic rather than devotional, that I feel like I would need other people to make a lot of the decisions ... though I suppose it could be an exercise in being attentive to people (not just the concerns they vocalize, and not just even trying to tease information/reactions out of them, but trying to pay attention to the unspoken cues).
3. Potluck party at RED class ... people joked that it really was Harvard -- Jen made baked Brie, Ilene brought the leftover wine from the interns party, Lydia brought some salmon spread... [And classmate-Megan thought to bring the uneaten leftovers to the Harvard Square Homeless Shelter.]
4. I actually got to run through my to-do list with B.
5. We actually have a good schedule for tomorrow's candidate -- which I managed to get out in a fairly complete form reasonably well before the end of the day.
Three things I did well today:
1. I went to the gym. I walked into the cardio room at like 7:52am, and all the tv-facing treadmills (there are 7, I think) were occupied, so I did the elliptical for 45 minutes on the "cross training" program (9-minute [20% of time] intervals of pedaling forward at resistance1 and pedaling backward at resistance8) -- 3.70mi.
2.chainkill and I walked to the T together, and on the train I came up with a possible solution for something he was talking about.
3. I booked the hotel room for![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
muskratjamboree (and forwarded the information to the roommates).
4. I was the lay minister at Rest and Bread and did well. I hadn't really realized that I would actually have to say anything besides just reading what's printed (I had to introduce various sections -- Call to Worship, Sacred Text, Corporate Confession, Silent Confession, Assurance of Grace). Laura (new to me) asked me afterward if I had done this before, and I said not this-this, and talked about how I had helped with Communion at CWM. She said that I came across as very practiced.
5. I participated in my RED group presentation and did not die. Someone else had put together a bullet point slide, but I had done no prep of my own, no rereading of the book I had read to ground and texturize what I was saying. Mine was like the penultimate slide, and as the presentation went on I could feel myself getting more anxious, and when it was actually my turn to present I could feel that I was really rushed and I was literally losing my words. But in the break between presentations one of our classmates was like, "good job" -- L. and I were both like, "But we were nervous and did a bad job." I expect he was saying it partly out of social convention (ditto the reassurance after our reaction), but it was still nice.
Two things I am looking forward to (doing [better]) tomorrow:
["anything that you're looking forward to, that means you're facing tomorrow with joy, not trepidation," as Ari says]
1. CAUMC small group
2. Meeting entertaining!candidate.
Rest and Bread ("Fire")
Psalm 27
Sacred Text: "A Litany for Survival" by Audre Lorde
Reflection: Laura Ruth talked about fear of fire/fire of fear and the fire of God.
She said that while fear can very much be a healthy and useful thing, the habit of fear can be a sin -- that time spent worrying is time not spent searching for God, not spent seeking justice.
Edit: I meant to mention that Laura Ruth's email to the listserv began:
-
mylittleredgirl [more info]Do not be afraid, I am with you
I have called you each by name
Come and follow Me
I will bring you home
I love you and you are mine
-"You Are Mine" (David Haas)
Five good things about today:
1. Ian brought back chocolate chip cookies from the FacCommons.
2. People praised me for my performance of the lay minister role at Rest and Bread. I forget if it was Laura or Laura Ruth who said I had a "dignity" in doing it. Laura mentioned something about ministry and I kinda laughed a little ('cause people keep saying this) and insisted that I am not cut out for ministry, not of the ordained pastoral ministry kind. Laura Ruth said I am so caring (before service I was telling her about the latest with Terry, and she interrupted me to tell me how kind I am), and I said I care about specific people but I don't think I'd be good at having to care about an entire congregation. She said maybe a liturgical position, then. I asked for details on what this would entail, and then I had to leave, so I am saying here: yes I would love getting to be in charge of how things are done, but I feel like I don't have the soul for liturgy -- I'm so academic rather than devotional, that I feel like I would need other people to make a lot of the decisions ... though I suppose it could be an exercise in being attentive to people (not just the concerns they vocalize, and not just even trying to tease information/reactions out of them, but trying to pay attention to the unspoken cues).
3. Potluck party at RED class ... people joked that it really was Harvard -- Jen made baked Brie, Ilene brought the leftover wine from the interns party, Lydia brought some salmon spread... [And classmate-Megan thought to bring the uneaten leftovers to the Harvard Square Homeless Shelter.]
4. I actually got to run through my to-do list with B.
5. We actually have a good schedule for tomorrow's candidate -- which I managed to get out in a fairly complete form reasonably well before the end of the day.
Three things I did well today:
1. I went to the gym. I walked into the cardio room at like 7:52am, and all the tv-facing treadmills (there are 7, I think) were occupied, so I did the elliptical for 45 minutes on the "cross training" program (9-minute [20% of time] intervals of pedaling forward at resistance1 and pedaling backward at resistance8) -- 3.70mi.
2.
chainkill and I walked to the T together, and on the train I came up with a possible solution for something he was talking about.3. I booked the hotel room for
muskratjamboree (and forwarded the information to the roommates).4. I was the lay minister at Rest and Bread and did well. I hadn't really realized that I would actually have to say anything besides just reading what's printed (I had to introduce various sections -- Call to Worship, Sacred Text, Corporate Confession, Silent Confession, Assurance of Grace). Laura (new to me) asked me afterward if I had done this before, and I said not this-this, and talked about how I had helped with Communion at CWM. She said that I came across as very practiced.
5. I participated in my RED group presentation and did not die. Someone else had put together a bullet point slide, but I had done no prep of my own, no rereading of the book I had read to ground and texturize what I was saying. Mine was like the penultimate slide, and as the presentation went on I could feel myself getting more anxious, and when it was actually my turn to present I could feel that I was really rushed and I was literally losing my words. But in the break between presentations one of our classmates was like, "good job" -- L. and I were both like, "But we were nervous and did a bad job." I expect he was saying it partly out of social convention (ditto the reassurance after our reaction), but it was still nice.
Two things I am looking forward to (doing [better]) tomorrow:
["anything that you're looking forward to, that means you're facing tomorrow with joy, not trepidation," as Ari says]
1. CAUMC small group
2. Meeting entertaining!candidate.
Rest and Bread ("Fire")
Psalm 27
Sacred Text: "A Litany for Survival" by Audre Lorde
Reflection: Laura Ruth talked about fear of fire/fire of fear and the fire of God.
She said that while fear can very much be a healthy and useful thing, the habit of fear can be a sin -- that time spent worrying is time not spent searching for God, not spent seeking justice.
Edit: I meant to mention that Laura Ruth's email to the listserv began:
Dear Beloved,
It's bitter outside, or maybe it's invigorating outside. Come in from the bitter cold or go out into the invigorating cold - and come pray with us.