On Friday I had an hour and a half lunch with Laura Ruth at HBS.

She said she thinks I'm a mystic.
She said she thinks I think I'm too cerebral [to be a mystic], but she's seen me going where the Spirit beckons.  (She cited my going to so many different churches as one example of this -- see also, below, my figuring out what I want and making so I can get it.)
She also thinks I'm good at shifting quickly and easily between multiple levels of reality (e.g., the Divine within ourselves, in relationship with other people, existing within our culture) and she thinks that's an indicator of a deep spirituality.

She said I'm good at knowing what I want and asking for it directly -- which she is so appreciative of.
She said when she first knew me, I was like screaming what I wanted, and I've become more attentive to the people around me and how they're affected by the context we're in -- without letting go of what's important to me -- and so I've become kinder to myself and to others.

She said she's seen me being present with people -- which is the essence of pastoral care.  (I think pastoral care requires a breadth and depth of other skills as well, but the idea that that is the essence of pastoral care makes sense.)
She said she thinks I think I'm not capable of doing that on a consistent basis (I told her yes, the "on a consistent basis" is a if not the core of it -- that yes I often do what can reasonably be called pastoral care, but I am choosing to do it with people I have a pre-existing relationship with; I don't want to be handed an entire congregation).

[Edit: She also said, "I don't give a sh*t if you go into ordained ministry or not" -- which I mostly knew, but which I still appreciated hearing explicitly articulated.  And later in conversation she asked how long I was planning to stay at HBS, and I gave my usual answer, and she restated it as staying here "until the next thing," which I liked.]

She said something like, "I can say more, but that's what I needed to tell you, so that I can leave you."

I got choked up -- because yeah, that is part of what we were doing with that lunch, wrapping things up so that we can part ways in a few weeks.

(Later, she asked what was going to happen after she left, and I said, "We'll all be very sad and we'll all continue doing the work of the church," and we talked about Rest and Bread some -- apparently Keith's planning to invite clergy, seminary students, etc. to give the Reflections a lot of the times; which is fine by me -- and at one point she said, "Oh, and another thing: you're dependable.  You don't have to be [meaning: you would still be a good and valuable person even if you weren't], but I so appreciate that you are.")

Later, I was thinking about knowing what I want and asking for it -- I think I have frequently made bad choices because I want what's easy and present and available (which is also sometimes tied up with low self-esteem stuff or whatever about what I think I'm likely to be able to ever get) ... but there's also an element of it helping me to figure out what I want, because I find myself dissatisfied with the easy/present/available and yeah sometimes it's a lesson I have to learn over and over again, but yeah, I am definitely committed to figuring out what I want (and navigating that want/need balance, see also want-self vs. should-self) and then finding ways to ask for it so I can have it.

I was also thinking about being present with people -- enabling them to be their authentic selves, including helping them grow.

She wanted to see the HBS chapel, so we did.  There were people standing outside, and she asked them if prayers were done.  (It was about 1:45pm.)  I had no idea that people actually used the HBS chapel for regular worship space.  But there were people cleaning up when we got into the chapel, so apparently they do.

Before you get to the official chapel space, when you just walk in, you're in this like greenhouse thing.  After we walked in, she just stopped.  She was so taken with the beauty and just everything.

Particularly in the chapel but also walking on campus, I was repeatedly struck that she is so much more attentive than I am.  Which I think is part of what makes a good pastor.

***

From my facebook newsfeed after I went to bed Sunday night (last night):

Tiffany Steinwert  › Laura Ruth Jarrett: Blessings on your new ministry!

LR gave her (final?) candidating sermon at Hope Central yesterday, and their website now says:

Rev. Laura Ruth Jarrett called as pastor
Hope Central Church is delighted to announce that it has called Rev. Laura Ruth Jarrett to become its next pastor. Pending final negotiations, Rev. Laura Ruth will begin her ministry on June 1. Find out about her in a letter from our Search Committee and this brochure about the candidate.

Edit: And an email to the listserv tonight:

[FirstChurch Mailing List] they voted yes!

Dear Beloved,

Yesterday morning, I preached a candidating sermon for Hope Central Church in Jamaica Plain. Just after the service, the congregation voted to call me as their settled pastor.

I'll begin my work there on June 1, 2010.

I'm so glad I get to be with you three more weeks. Our last Sunday together will be May 9, 2010.

I wish you peace tonight!

Love,
Laura Ruth

Monday

I had my six-month dental appointment.  When the cleaning was done, Comedy Dentist said "you're free as a bird" and then said that he recently had a patient who had "free bird" tattooed on the inside of one of her fingers.  He said he didn't ask her about it, 'cause it was their first session.  His assistant was like, "Really?" and he said, "Actually I was running late, so I was pressed for time."  We were both like, "Oh, that makes much more sense."

Tuesday

I had Sara and Kate over for dinner.  They both helped cook (this -- which was Sara's idea).  I kept saying I felt like I should be thanking THEM and they were like, "But cooking is fun."  Clearly a value creating endeavor :)

And Sara brought cupcakes from Sweet (I had the chocolate one, and it wasn't bad, but I was unimpressed), and Kate brought half a Carvel turkey ice cream cake (which my housemate helped us finish off).

Thursday, Sara got me a thank you gift -- Godiva dark chocolate covered cherries and a card that just says "happpiness" on the front, under which she had handwritten "= pasta with butternut squash and a turkey-shaped ice cream cake..."

From conversation with la bff later that night: TLGN knew when Advent begins this year thanks to me.  *squees*

Wednesday

Tuesday night, Molly emailed the listserv saying (in part), "Some of you have tomorrow off, and said you are coming to office hours at the Diesel! I'm so glad. We'll be a big First Church caffeinated jamboree. I'll share my earl grey with you. Look for me in the 3rd booth. It's so nice to have a booth, the way y'all get pews of your own."

I hadn't even bothered to put her Wednesday morning Diesel office hours on my calendar because really, 8-10am on a Wednesday...  But hey, I did in fact have that day off.  I spent about a half an hour there.

Then I went to the gym.

I came in just at the end of Act 2 of "The Short List" (The West Wing 1.09).  My heart just about burst at how THEY ALL LOVE EACH OTHER SO MUCH.  (Okay, also I facepalmed because there is no "freedom of expression" enumerated in the First Amendment.)  Which makes me think of chosen family, which makes me think of Buffy and Angel and also the queer community and then CWM (and so then also church).

And they love what they are doing so much.  Which is again reminiscent of church.

( excerpts from the episode )

Walking from Fields Corner to Dunkin' Donuts I found myself reciting my pre-meal grace prayer...because apparently prayer was what I needed to be doing in that moment.  (I can't imagine why I would have anxiety preceding dropping by unannounced to see a friend at work whom I haven't been able to get a hold of in some time.  /sarcasm)  I got about 20-25 minutes of one-on-one time, which was good.

I sat in Kennedy Park and talked to my best friend for about an hour.  Al walked by and said, "It's a bit cold out for that, isn't it?" and I said, "It's actually warmer out than I'd been expecting" -- though when I used the bathroom before the seminar I realized just how red and cold my hands were.  (I think it was like upper 40s F.)

I walked in behind a security guard, so I still don't actually know if my ID card works on the exterior doors (it wasn't so working over the summer).

The seminar ended ~4:30, so I got to church a half hour early.  The room was actually mostly set up already, so after I finished the set up I sat down with my laptop and started some emails -- because yeah I need to debrief and process like some people need to breathe.

After Rest and Bread, Gianna and I were both debating about staying for the Extraordinary Relationships book group.  She had only read the first chapter and wasn't blown away but it as she had hoped to be given the way Molly had talked about it.  I said I'd been intrigued from reading Molly's emails about it, but that when I'd actually looked up the book online I hadn't been inspired, so I hadn't read any of the book, though I didn't feel that would be a problem for me in having strong opinions.  She decided to go home since she's out every night this week.  I decided to go home, too, in part because my impression is that the book is a lot about healing wounded/broken relationships, and that just doesn't really resonate with my life (for which I am v. grateful, obv.).

Thursday

I am reminded that I am an introvert.  When my reserves are depleted, I don't want to go out and do social things.

Friday

The West Wing at the gym was "He Shall, from Time to Time" (1.12) which, meh -- though I did tear up at the end.

BARTLET: You have a best friend?
ROGER: Yes, sir.
BARTLET: Is he smarter than you?
ROGER: Yes, sir.
BARTLET: Would you trust him with your life?
ROGER: Yes, sir.
BARTLET: That's your chief of staff.

[source]

I came in to the office and did the one thing I hadn't done on Thursday which needed to get done by the weekend.  IT came by around 9:30 to take my computer.  I then hung out with Katie and Greg until about 10:15.

Walking home, it was BEAUTIFUL out (though apparently only low 50s).

I haven't heard "coming up" in ages, but hearing it on a random mix I still expected "make them apologize" to be next [see imperfectly album].

I figured out an "in" into this Sunday's lectionary and wanted to stay home and work on my sermon.  But Liz C. from CHPC and I had plans to meet up at 2pm and I really wanted to do that too.  Except she totally spaced (and we hadn't exchanged cell phone numbers, so I couldn't call her).  I considered going to see if FCS was open so I could use their free wifi (I'd brought my laptop, not realizing Mr. Crepe's wifi isn't free), but instead I left Scott a voicemail, ordered some food, tried to read Pope John Paul II, and headed out to Alewife (switching to Jonathan Sacks).

At Coffee Hour on Sunday, Mary R. had asked me if I'm ever able to take Fridays off and attend the thing at Salaam's house.  I said not really but that I actually had this Friday off.  She gave me the address, and I used mbta.com to figure out how to T there -- and did in fact successfully navigate the bus &etc.
This used to be a Women's Bible Study, but is apparently a Women's Group.  Which was mostly okay ... though I do not feel any desire to take time off in the future to go (which is good to know).

After I got home I talked to my bff for a while and eventually Scott called me back, so both of those were good.

Saturday

I'd been feeling like maybe my body was moving to a 7hr/night routine because I kept waking up at like 5:30am this week, but Friday night I went to bed at like 10:30pm because I was tired, and I kept waking up Saturday morning and thinking, "Should I be getting up?  No, I don't have to get up."  I eventually got up around 8am -- and then went back to bed until like 10am.

It was rainy and I was not excited about leaving the house.

Pope John Paul II continued putting me to sleep on my train ride out to Dorchester -- but coming back I stood reading while waiting for the train for ~10min and was fine for the ride back.

I was feeling lonely and sad and mildly depressed, but I was getting better as the evening progressed (I did get my reflection written for the CHPC Advent booklet -- though I didn't get much work done on my sermon), but I was glad to get to phone with my bff for ~1hr.

Sunday

Between about 8:30 this morning and 9:30 tonight, I was literally home for 25 minutes.  SCBC adult ed, CHPC worship service and book study, home, memorial service for Trelawney, Tallessyn, and Tamarleigh's mom, CWM worship service and dinner, re/New.

I have lots to say about church, but short version (because sleep is important) is: better than I had expected.

The memorial service made me cry, and I wanted to call my mom and tell her I love her.  But service ended like twenty minutes before 5pm (when CWM was scheduled to start upstairs), and I used that in between time to hug the Grenfell clan and socialize with people I don't see much and went upstairs at like ten past five -- at which point service hadn't quite started yet.

from "What I Learned From My Mother" by Julia Kasdorf:

I learned to attend viewings even if I didn’t know
the deceased, to press the moist hands
of the living, to look in their eyes and offer
sympathy, as though I understood loss even then.
I learned that whatever we say means nothing,
what anyone will remember is that we came.

My mom called during Prayer Time at CWM (I had my phone on vibrate).  I decided it probably wasn't urgent -- especially since she didn't leave a voicemail -- so I called her back on my way home.  We talked for about an hour and a half -- mostly about my day of church (incl. the memorial service).

I am REALLY enjoying this cooler weather.  I actually want to move around again.  I feel much more like I can THINK again.  And, yanno, function.  (I'm also recovering my emotional resources -- as evidenced by the fact that I'm beginning to actually fret about Terry a little.)

***

Laura Ruth and I had dinner (outside!) at the Burren.  She got a shandy and fish&chips.  I got a glass of Pinot Noir (I recently watched Sideways, so sue me -- and it's not like I asked for it right off the bat; the waitress listed the options, and that's what I decided on), a bowl of butternut squash, and vegetarian potato skins.  I was surprisingly full when I finished.

She asked if we had an agenda.  I said no -- said I've learned not to have an agenda when meeting with clergy because when I go in with an agenda, they end up having a different agenda and so we end up doing their agenda.  She made sadface.  I said that usually it's the first time I have coffee with clergy, that we've had some sort of "Oh let's talk more about this" conversation and then they do a "getting to know you" thing and I'm like, "Okay."  She said she's been ordained a year and a half and was a layperson for forty-eight and a half years, and she knows that experience, and she doesn't want to be that pastor, and she asked what my agenda would be if we had one and asked me to pull her back if we got away from that agenda, said I would be helping her to be the kind of pastor she wants to be.

She said she trusts me re: worship.  She said one reason for this is because language is so important to me.  She said that last night when I pronounced us forgiven, she really felt the relief of that grace, and she said she doesn't always.  I was really touched by that.

She said the other reason is that I am so concerned to make a space that is "anxiety free" for people, to allow them to "fall into worship."

She asked me why I do so much church, asked if I have words for that.
I said people frequently ask me that -- I said Meck had asked me that after her (Laura Ruth's) installation -- and I can stumble through an answer, but I have yet to come up with a good answer.
Laura Ruth said that often when she's talking about church, Meck will ask her, "Are you talking about Elizabeth?"  ♥

I talked about how I'm really attached to Christianity -- and that I think that's largely because it's what I grew up with, that I'm not deeply invested/interested in investigating the truth claims (that's the phrase I was looking for! -- I kept saying "faith claims" and saying I knew that wasn't the phrase I wanted) of other religions -- and I talked about how when I was in college I wanted good sold argumentations for things like the Resurrection.  (I said that my mother would sometimes say, "You know it's called faith for a reason," to which my response was: "I made the God leap; for everything else I want strong argumentation.")  She asked me a follow-up question about this later, and I said that I've made peace with it somehow, that I stopped fighting it and it became something that I believe, that some of it was reading the arguments of "people wouldn't have made these claims if it didn't happen" and being sufficiently satisfied with those apologetics, and some of it was being in places like CWM and finding meaningful the layers of metaphor and meaning of Resurrection and "practice resurrection" and the importance of the Incarnation and how it says that we are created bodies and bodies are good and important.  Laura Ruth said -- I think in connection with this part of the conversation -- that I haven't stopped engaging with these things, that that's one of the reasons I'm so good at liturgy etc.

Having Lorraine's post in my recent history, I was inspired to talk about how going to church stuff -- be it worship service or book study or prayer group or whatever -- shows me different ways of doing this thing called being Christian.  I had never thought of it that way before, but after I had said it I thought it made so much sense.

Laura Ruth talked about how I synthesize the intellectual and the emotional/experiential and my own experience and those of other people.  I was thinking later that this makes a lot of sense.  In college (and since) I talked a lot about interpreting liberals and conservatives to each other, living in that liminal border space, moving between two sides and trying to help both sides understand each other.  I'm also really big on organizing things, making things flow, making them comprehensible; and proofreading and editing things, making them more clear and easy to understand -- which I had never thought to connect to other issues of accessibility until tonight but which now seems an intuitive connection.

We talked a little about The Shack before she had to leave for a 7pm rehearsal.  I talked about how some of it -- like the idea that God can't just be one person, because God is love, and love can only exist in relationship, and so if there was a time at which God was not in relationship then God could not be Love -- is stuff that's good to be reminded of but which isn't new to me, so I didn't have the "earth-shattering" reaction I've heard a lot of people had.  I also said that I felt like a lot of the stuff in the book was good -- like the idea that just because God uses bad things toward good ends doesn't mean that God caused the bad things to begin with -- I found myself after I closed the book feeling like there were lots of big things that didn't get addressed -- like how do you balance the fact that God does intervene sometimes, why did Jesus Incarnate at that particular historical moment, what exactly does the salvific moment on the cross or at the resurrection mean, what about judgment day.  I said I was willing to believe that the answer is: "It doesn't matter.  What matters is loving and being in relationship."

Laura Ruth asked if I'd read A History of God, and I said no but it's on my list.
She said that the Old Testament talks about there being lots of gods, our God is just the greatest of them.  She said, "God was never alone."

Before we parted, I thanked her for all the "nice is not a big enough word for what I want to say" things she said.  She said, "As a pastor, I get to tell people true things.  Isn't that wonderful?"

***

I am also glad that Ari is not dead (just really, really tired).

Yesterday I was feeling like I'm really kind of over this warm weather (though I was willing to wait until September/after Labor Day to complain, 'cause before that it's still legitimately summer) 'cause being warm and damp when I arrive at the T/gym after walking just doesn't make me happy.  But it got down to almost 50 last night!  I was quite pleased.

( gym )

***

After the CNN hype yesterday, I had kind of wanted to watch Michelle Obama's speech last night, but I'm so out of the habit of actually sitting down in front of a tv (fall tv starting is gonna be WEIRD).  Yay Google.  Huffington Post -- summary, video, and text  [and the text of her brother's speech, which preceded hers -- and the CNN transcript of Ted Kennedy's speech]

***

Cailin was saying that she feels like most of our peers don't listen to classical music, and she doesn't actually expect it to die out, but's interested to see what happens.

***

I had coffee with LauraRuth at Mr. Crepe.  Near the end (she had to leave to go have dinner with her girlfriend) she asked if there was an agenda for this meeting or if I'd just wanted to say hi.  I said I'd just wanted to say hi -- and that I'd learned not to have an agenda in mind when having coffee with clergy, that especially the first time I have coffee with clergy it turns out to be a getting-to-know-you thing even when I went into it expecting that we had an agenda for our meeting.

She did actually have a couple agenda items of her own.  One was that she and Keith were gonna be meeting tomorrow to discuss the Rest & Bread service, which they've been doing for 3 (!) months now, and she wanted my input because I'm so thoughtful and considered and because I "think liturgically."  I had to laugh at that one, though I did talk about how I'd learned that actually I am attached to certain ways of doing things (e.g., Benediction = "Now may grace, mercy, and peace, from God the Father, Jesus Christ the Son, and God the Holy Spirit, be and abide with you always.") and as I've been in various churches, I've picked up preferred scripts for different parts of the service.

The second agenda item came out of a conversation.  She asked where I was from, and I told her, and she asked if I'd moved to the city for school and I said no, I went to school out in Western Mass. and she asked where? Amherst? and I said no, Smith, and she smiled, and I laughed and said, "Yeah, I went to a super-queer, ragingly liberal college -- which was awesome -- and came out of it with a hatred for the American Left."

She asked what "pot" I would put myself in if not "progressive" or "liberal."  I said that if forced to pick a political party I pick (small l) libertarian, and that certainly I am aligned with the progressives/liberals on lots of things, but as I often say, I hang out with the liberals because they make me "less uncomfortable" than the conservatives.  She asked me about that and I briefly explained my Smith experience and my issues with "inclusive" churches -- the latter which conversation I had just had with Sean and Carolyn on Sunday night.

She said she asks because they (First Church Somerville) are trying to put together a vision statement that doesn't use the word "progressive" or "liberal."  (Her distance from the term "liberal" is a class thing -- that she hears the word "liberal" and thinks of people who believe that just because they say the right words they've done good in the world, like just by saying you're anti-racist you've done anti-racist work.)  Thinking about it on my way home, it occurred to me that the answer is obvious: just talk about your guiding principles (justice, peace, whatever), with possibly secondarily listing the issues of primary importance.

At one point she asked me how old I was and said I seemed older than 25 (she didn't quite say "old soul" -- which I was glad of, because I think that implies more gravitas and wisdom than I have -- but it was that sort of idea) and I grinned and thanked her.  As we were saying goodbye, she said she really enjoys being around me, which I was kind of touched by.  And I got multiple long hugs :)

***

Had the first of my haul of gelatin-free yogurts tonight.
Whole Soy & Co. Raspberry yogurt = quite acceptable.

***

( excerpt from IM conversation with Joe )

***

( excerpt from IM conversation with mjules )

Coming in early meant I could leave early, which meant I could go to the gym and then meet Tiffany for coffee at 5:30 -- rescheduled from 6:30 so that I could go to young adult small group, rescheduled from Thursday because Trelawney's going to Jesus Christ Superstar with Cambridge Welcoming.

I did the Cross-Country program on the elliptical today, and it kicked my ass way harder than it had on Saturday.  Maybe because I've been away from the gym for a few days?  Even resistance 8 and 10, which were previously easy were a challenge.  (2.28 miles in 30 minutes.)  Am going to rethink my weekly workout schedule to work up to this.

I treated myself to a fruit smoothie afterward.  The day's special was avocado-banana.  Not something I ever would have thought of.  Wasn't bad, though.

Coffee with Tiffany was nice.  We talked about me a lot.  I would have preferred a long discourse on sexual ethics or something, but I'm okay with getting-to-know you sessions.  In talking about possibly pursuing more structured religious study, she said BU gives scholarships to basically anyone with a brain and also said that it comforts her that you can always try something and then quit, that you are not stuck in a career for the rest of your life or anything.

I backdated private entries for all the church writeups I still need to finish, 'cause this seemed less unwieldy than the ever-growing gmail draft I've got going on.  And also because I've recently been feeling like I actually wanna post current writeups but it messes with the ordering, so this solves that dilemma.  (Yes, I know I'm a little bit crazy.)  ...  It's 36 entries.  Given that it's 2+ months of ~4 church events each week I guess that number isn't all that huge, but still.  This of course guarantees that no one will read them, but I'm okay with that.

(I also did some backtagging -- April 2003.  The data organization is somewhat overwhelming, but oh, I had so much joy then.  And I think I really did appreciate it, which is a comfort to me.)

( CAUMC )