burning like matchsticks in the face of the darkness

Monday

I had my six-month dental appointment.  When the cleaning was done, Comedy Dentist said "you're free as a bird" and then said that he recently had a patient who had "free bird" tattooed on the inside of one of her fingers.  He said he didn't ask her about it, 'cause it was their first session.  His assistant was like, "Really?" and he said, "Actually I was running late, so I was pressed for time."  We were both like, "Oh, that makes much more sense."

Tuesday

I had Sara and Kate over for dinner.  They both helped cook (this -- which was Sara's idea).  I kept saying I felt like I should be thanking THEM and they were like, "But cooking is fun."  Clearly a value creating endeavor :)

And Sara brought cupcakes from Sweet (I had the chocolate one, and it wasn't bad, but I was unimpressed), and Kate brought half a Carvel turkey ice cream cake (which my housemate helped us finish off).

Thursday, Sara got me a thank you gift -- Godiva dark chocolate covered cherries and a card that just says "happpiness" on the front, under which she had handwritten "= pasta with butternut squash and a turkey-shaped ice cream cake..."

From conversation with la bff later that night: TLGN knew when Advent begins this year thanks to me.  *squees*

Wednesday

Tuesday night, Molly emailed the listserv saying (in part), "Some of you have tomorrow off, and said you are coming to office hours at the Diesel! I'm so glad. We'll be a big First Church caffeinated jamboree. I'll share my earl grey with you. Look for me in the 3rd booth. It's so nice to have a booth, the way y'all get pews of your own."

I hadn't even bothered to put her Wednesday morning Diesel office hours on my calendar because really, 8-10am on a Wednesday...  But hey, I did in fact have that day off.  I spent about a half an hour there.

Then I went to the gym.

I came in just at the end of Act 2 of "The Short List" (The West Wing 1.09).  My heart just about burst at how THEY ALL LOVE EACH OTHER SO MUCH.  (Okay, also I facepalmed because there is no "freedom of expression" enumerated in the First Amendment.)  Which makes me think of chosen family, which makes me think of Buffy and Angel and also the queer community and then CWM (and so then also church).

And they love what they are doing so much.  Which is again reminiscent of church.

( excerpts from the episode )

Walking from Fields Corner to Dunkin' Donuts I found myself reciting my pre-meal grace prayer...because apparently prayer was what I needed to be doing in that moment.  (I can't imagine why I would have anxiety preceding dropping by unannounced to see a friend at work whom I haven't been able to get a hold of in some time.  /sarcasm)  I got about 20-25 minutes of one-on-one time, which was good.

I sat in Kennedy Park and talked to my best friend for about an hour.  Al walked by and said, "It's a bit cold out for that, isn't it?" and I said, "It's actually warmer out than I'd been expecting" -- though when I used the bathroom before the seminar I realized just how red and cold my hands were.  (I think it was like upper 40s F.)

I walked in behind a security guard, so I still don't actually know if my ID card works on the exterior doors (it wasn't so working over the summer).

The seminar ended ~4:30, so I got to church a half hour early.  The room was actually mostly set up already, so after I finished the set up I sat down with my laptop and started some emails -- because yeah I need to debrief and process like some people need to breathe.

After Rest and Bread, Gianna and I were both debating about staying for the Extraordinary Relationships book group.  She had only read the first chapter and wasn't blown away but it as she had hoped to be given the way Molly had talked about it.  I said I'd been intrigued from reading Molly's emails about it, but that when I'd actually looked up the book online I hadn't been inspired, so I hadn't read any of the book, though I didn't feel that would be a problem for me in having strong opinions.  She decided to go home since she's out every night this week.  I decided to go home, too, in part because my impression is that the book is a lot about healing wounded/broken relationships, and that just doesn't really resonate with my life (for which I am v. grateful, obv.).

Thursday

I am reminded that I am an introvert.  When my reserves are depleted, I don't want to go out and do social things.

Friday

The West Wing at the gym was "He Shall, from Time to Time" (1.12) which, meh -- though I did tear up at the end.

BARTLET: You have a best friend?
ROGER: Yes, sir.
BARTLET: Is he smarter than you?
ROGER: Yes, sir.
BARTLET: Would you trust him with your life?
ROGER: Yes, sir.
BARTLET: That's your chief of staff.

[source]

I came in to the office and did the one thing I hadn't done on Thursday which needed to get done by the weekend.  IT came by around 9:30 to take my computer.  I then hung out with Katie and Greg until about 10:15.

Walking home, it was BEAUTIFUL out (though apparently only low 50s).

I haven't heard "coming up" in ages, but hearing it on a random mix I still expected "make them apologize" to be next [see imperfectly album].

I figured out an "in" into this Sunday's lectionary and wanted to stay home and work on my sermon.  But Liz C. from CHPC and I had plans to meet up at 2pm and I really wanted to do that too.  Except she totally spaced (and we hadn't exchanged cell phone numbers, so I couldn't call her).  I considered going to see if FCS was open so I could use their free wifi (I'd brought my laptop, not realizing Mr. Crepe's wifi isn't free), but instead I left Scott a voicemail, ordered some food, tried to read Pope John Paul II, and headed out to Alewife (switching to Jonathan Sacks).

At Coffee Hour on Sunday, Mary R. had asked me if I'm ever able to take Fridays off and attend the thing at Salaam's house.  I said not really but that I actually had this Friday off.  She gave me the address, and I used mbta.com to figure out how to T there -- and did in fact successfully navigate the bus &etc.
This used to be a Women's Bible Study, but is apparently a Women's Group.  Which was mostly okay ... though I do not feel any desire to take time off in the future to go (which is good to know).

After I got home I talked to my bff for a while and eventually Scott called me back, so both of those were good.

Saturday

I'd been feeling like maybe my body was moving to a 7hr/night routine because I kept waking up at like 5:30am this week, but Friday night I went to bed at like 10:30pm because I was tired, and I kept waking up Saturday morning and thinking, "Should I be getting up?  No, I don't have to get up."  I eventually got up around 8am -- and then went back to bed until like 10am.

It was rainy and I was not excited about leaving the house.

Pope John Paul II continued putting me to sleep on my train ride out to Dorchester -- but coming back I stood reading while waiting for the train for ~10min and was fine for the ride back.

I was feeling lonely and sad and mildly depressed, but I was getting better as the evening progressed (I did get my reflection written for the CHPC Advent booklet -- though I didn't get much work done on my sermon), but I was glad to get to phone with my bff for ~1hr.

Sunday

Between about 8:30 this morning and 9:30 tonight, I was literally home for 25 minutes.  SCBC adult ed, CHPC worship service and book study, home, memorial service for Trelawney, Tallessyn, and Tamarleigh's mom, CWM worship service and dinner, re/New.

I have lots to say about church, but short version (because sleep is important) is: better than I had expected.

The memorial service made me cry, and I wanted to call my mom and tell her I love her.  But service ended like twenty minutes before 5pm (when CWM was scheduled to start upstairs), and I used that in between time to hug the Grenfell clan and socialize with people I don't see much and went upstairs at like ten past five -- at which point service hadn't quite started yet.

from "What I Learned From My Mother" by Julia Kasdorf:

I learned to attend viewings even if I didn’t know
the deceased, to press the moist hands
of the living, to look in their eyes and offer
sympathy, as though I understood loss even then.
I learned that whatever we say means nothing,
what anyone will remember is that we came.

My mom called during Prayer Time at CWM (I had my phone on vibrate).  I decided it probably wasn't urgent -- especially since she didn't leave a voicemail -- so I called her back on my way home.  We talked for about an hour and a half -- mostly about my day of church (incl. the memorial service).

but you've got the hard cough of a chain smoker
and you're at the arctic circle playing strip poker
and it's getting colder and colder
everytime you lose

so go ahead
make your next bold move
tell us
what's the next thing you're gonna need to prove
to yourself

I got my hair cut last night (Salon CU, Christine).  The woman styled it with an out-flip rather than the under-flip I usually do, and yeah, I don't really like that look on me.  Which is good to know.  (I'm really happy with the cut, though.  The layering is all intact, so it's just as pretty as it was before, only now it's not at that awkward length, which makes it even prettier.)

I went to bed around 11 last night.  I kept seeing flashes of light -- heat lightning I supposed.  Around midnight, it got really windy -- I actually took out my window fan for fear it would get blown out of the window.  This was also when the air significantly cooled off.  I was still not falling asleep, though.  Not awake enough to anything terribly productive (I know, this is different from my regular awake times how?), just not actually sleeping.  Hi, 2:30am.  I woke up at 7:37am.  (I aim to be out of my house around 7:15.)  So that's the second day this year that I flat-out did not go to the gym ('cause I already had evening commitments, so I couldn't do it after work).

***

I Y!M chatted with mjules this afternoon, and she is ftw.  (And message to mjules: I did feel better afterward -- apparently I still need to be reminded that talking things out, even when it is just an endless rehash, makes me feel better, and that trying to just will feelings to go away really doesn't work for me like at all ever.)

From our conversation:
me: I always appreciate clarifications, even when they turn out to be redundant.
mjules: I fucking love clarifications.
mjules: Love them so much I'm going to put them in the pre-dating clause I make my next S.O. sign.
mjules: *grins* I'm mostly joking about that, of course, but I'm starting to think it wouldn't be a bad idea. I'm really tired of having relationships not turn out.
[...]
mjules: Once you got to the point that you felt you wanted to try a dating relationship with someone, you could pull out the paperwork, say 'Here, these are things you need to know,' and if they run screaming, you know they aren't prepared to deal with your analytical nature. *laughs*
me: Exactly!
mjules: Maybe we should draw up some drafts.
mjules: ...God, I can see us making spreadsheets.

She began drafting and in response to one of my comments, she said: "*laugh* I like that you appreciate phrasing. That was always my favorite part of your feedback, back when you just read my fic, that you would pick apart sentence structure."

Whee, memory lane!

I ended up reminding her that I'd recced her and she reminded me that when I contacted her to tell her some of her fic links didn't work (she'd locked down her personal journal and reposted fic to a fic journal but had missed a few . . . and I was at the time copying all my recs over onto del.icio.us) she checked out my journal and saw my CWM writeups and suchlike and she was in the midst of making peace with her own queerness and Christian upbringing and yeah, she totally friended me.

[In the spirit of Ari, I tracked down the exact date she friended me -- June 7, 2007.  Which it didn't occur to me until just now that that was barely a year ago.  And we didn't really start becoming close until I was on Y!M all the time this January.]

Anyway, in talking about her fic, mjules mentioned how she's "a hopelessly cynical romantic" and told me about a story idea which reminded me of musesfool's fondness for characters saying "I love you" in ways other than actually saying those exact words.  And so of course what always comes to mind for me is "I wouldn't stop for red lights."  So I tracked down the "17 People" transcript. ( for my own reference more than anything, I guess )

So I can now read and research fic without accidentally spoiling myself. God knows when I'll catch up on writeups of episodes 1.11-end.

It weirds me out when Eric gets all PC and thoughtful and like serious.

A few episodes ago (5.11 "The Benign Prerogative") I said something about "bonus, token woman of color" about Rena. Eric said he wasn't sure she was "of color." I tend to think I fail at coding people, but it seemed pretty clear to me that she was Hispanic. I looked up the actress and saw that her most recent role is playing a character named "Maricruz Delgado," which sounds pretty Hispanic to me. He said that didn't necessarily mean anything about the actress, pointing out that Rosario Dawson played a Hispanic woman in RENT and she's not Hispanic. So I looked *her* up, and IMDb says: "Is of Puerto Rican, Cuban, African American, Irish and Native American descent." Eric said Hispanic means specifically Spanish and that it seems like people use "Hispanic" for everything that isn't White or Black, or Asian, and that there's a whole lot of Mediterranean culture -- Portuguese, Italian, etc. (It occurs to me now, is Mimi ever specifically coded? I only saw the show once and haven't seen the movie.) These are all very valid points and mean I start going in circles in my head about how everything blurs and how useful *are* categories and all that (with the obvious flip sides of the importance of being known and understood, and how it's a diminishment to just code everyone as Other and so on and so forth).

[Edit: It also occurs to me to note the irony that this followed a conversation about how Jewish Toby looks.]

***

There is SGA race wank, and I read liviapenn's post and she talks about Ronon and Teyla being supporting characters and I couldn't help thinking, "Dude, Ronon has knives! in his hair! and from what I understand, Teyla is way hot. Isn't fandom supposed to be all about the superficial?"

It was interesting, though, skimming the initial comment-thread and then reading liviapenn's post, and of course I was reminded of Smith (Grassroots was my first year and arguably more influential than 9/11, insofaras it affected *my* experience [of college]), and I feel like I "get it" more than I did when I was at Smith, and I'm not sure exactly what to credit with that. Probably just maturing and being away from the antagonistic environment -- I dunno.

neverneverfic quoted liviapenn, which to me just seems to say it all as to how we should interact with people, period:

But I also believe that a lot of people just aren't thinking at all about the messages they're sending with the stories they write. And I wish more people would *start* to think about it, just a little-- and to *listen* when people say "I'm hurt, and I'm angry, and I'm offended," instead of blowing them off and saying they're just "imagining" things.

[Edit: rydra_wong posted a roundup of links to thinky posts on the matter, complete with excerpts. And used possibly *the* best icon for white girls posting about race.]

***

In other news (and to bring us back to the very beginning of this post), today was the Muppet episode (I thought of you, Amy), so afterward I e-mailed my colleagues the YouTube links I'd seen a while ago from TLGN of Stockard Channing on Sesame Street back around 1970.

Hi, Allie, I have turned into That Girl who defends comic books.

My mommy's birthday was this past Saturday.  She is made of goddess-and-saint.

I went in to Greg's office this morning to ask him something and he said, "I don't have any chocolate" [referring to the bowl he keeps on his desk, usually containing M&M's or something like].  "I see you, and I think of chocolate," he explained.  I endorse that association :)

I have been bored in/with my job recently [and also annoyed that I haven't had the time/energy for LJ engagement -- as someone who's such a giver, being absent is frustrating].  It's not like I had a particularly productive day at work today, but I seem to be in a better headspace.  So that's good.

remixredux 2007 opened today.  I'm gonna abstain 'cause I've had printouts of 3 fics of mine of various degrees of almost-done sitting around for probably a week now and was consciously aware this weekend that I had no desire to revisit them, so signing up for any fic-writing project seems a bad idea.

However, I spent a small part of this afternoon looking for C.J./Simon fic (hi, we just finished S3 today) and thinking again about writing West Wing fic.  [And browsing through crack_van, which is predominantly Josh/Sam (and CJ/Toby and Josh/Donna), I find myself struck by the fact that I should be all about Sam fic -- if not Toby fic -- since they are people who love/live words, but I am not in love with either character.  And honestly, for all that I coming to love the show/characters, I'm not in love with any of them like I think of myself as being with the Jossverse.  And yet, I start running through characters and have love for -- and interest in fic for -- so many of them.  Okay, there will be another post about this later this week.]

viciouswishes tweaked her website, so I rejiggered my recs page.  I also wanna do more tagging work on wisdomeagle :)

Cailin asked if I'd had any cute dates recently.  I laughed and said no.  "Why are people so difficult?" she said, and initially I got defensive, but before I actually said anything I realized she wasn't referring to me.  She said her friends are all good people and cute, and I was reminded of offbalance's rant today.

I was gonna send out an invite for a notVDay party, but I was talking to Alyssa and Nicole earlier today and they were talking about maybe just going out to a bar with friends and that is so not my cuppa (plus so contrary to the spirit of ignoring the day) and then Nicole remembered that Laura and El had been talking about going out for a fancy dinner (in anticipation of not having dates) so she needed to confirm whether she was doing that with them, and especially after Friday I feel like if I have a party like this no one's gonna come (not 'cause they don't love me, just for a variety of factors) so should I just not bother?

*

I had my first session of Medieval Church today.  The prof also teaches a Medieval Warfare (Crusades) extension class and recognized about a dozen students (dude, there were probably over 40 of us), quipped "I'm glad to see recidivists."

I am gonna be the most churched person I know this semester (except for the div students) -- CAUMC small group and Bible study, Cambridge Welcoming worship [Jesus Christ Superstar sermon-music series for Lent!] and study, Medieval Church class, and I'm aiming to attend Clarendon Hill Presby on Sunday mornings for a couple months (plus Singspiration every 6 weeks, but that almost doesn't count -- similarly, Feb. 25 Gospel Concert with my mom).

[Grad credit students get more freedom in choosing topics for the required essays, and I heard someone mention Celtic Christianity to the prof and thought of glacierscout given my last entry.]

The prof mentioned "Who will rid me of this meddlesome priest?" I of course immediately flashed to Black Adder, and I must have been aware at the time [that I first saw the episode] that it was playing on something historically real (because that's what all the Black Adder series did) but I don't know if I actually recognized what it was [Thomas à Becket].

*

Okay, my phone sometimes gives me voicemail on a time delay, but this is ridiculous.  The Friday before last I'd accidentally had my phone on Silent.  At the end of the day I pulled it out (planning to call someone) and saw it said Missed Call.  I called the person back, and it's possible that in flipping the phone open and closed I just missed it saying Voicemail later, but given that if I have a new voicemail and I listen to it and then just hang up the phone without pressing any of the buttons to acknowledge to the service that I've heard the message it beeps at me and tells me I have a new voicemail, I would think it could be better at alerting me that I have a real new voicemail -- at work today my phone was beeping low battery, so I turned it off, and when I turned it back on on my way home it beeped new Voicemail and told me I had 2 (the one from two Fridays ago and one from today).

[Advent day 28] Luke 2:16-20

¹⁶So they hurried off and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby, who was lying in the manger. ¹⁷When they had seen him, they spread the word concerning what had been told them about this child, ¹⁸and all who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds said to them. ¹⁹But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart. ²⁰The shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things they had heard and seen, which were just as they had been told.

Zomg I have so much stuff.  Rearranging the house to fit Christmas (namely, the tree) I was reminded of this.  And of course it feels overwhelming like, "How do I even start?"  Which doesn't help.

I'm working on clearing out the huge amounts of fic I've bookmarked to read and I find I'm just commenting on the parts I like and not mentioning what didn't work, and I feel like I'm a slacker plus I'm losing concrit karma, though at least the fic isn't making it onto my To Rec list, so I know I still have standards.

scrollgirl brought to my attention that the Smithie Republican on The West Wing is played by the same actress as the blonde chick on CSI: Miami.  The conspiracy to get me to watch The West Wing continues.

An overnight in a Newark airport hotel and now it's off with the family to warm places for a week which will, I trust, burn off this hellish cold-cough-sneezy thing. ("If I die," I told Mike, with the gloomy relish of the afflicted, "this will all be yours." "You're giving me your cold?" he asked, unimpressed.)

In the meantime, have a wonderful Christmas, Chanukkah, Kwaanza, Mithras's Birthday, Festive Wossname etc. Or have more than one.

And please don't break the internet while I'm away.

-Neil Gaiman

Commenter #1 on the LJ feed (svetosila) commented:

The Internet is a Godsend,
so I doubt it'll be that easily broken even on HIs\Her\Its B'day

---

10pm Christmas Eve service at United.

I think I'm used to Smith Vespers, 'cause I was totally expecting the sanctuary to have low lighting when we came in, or to at least have the lights dimmed once the service started.

Oh, and we have blue pulpit drapes even though the Advent Wreath has purple candles.

• Hymn: O Come, All Ye Faithful
  
• Call to Worship: Isaiah 9:6
  
• Scripture Reading: John 1:1-14 ["Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to men on whom his favor rests."  On whom his favor rests?  I am disconcerted.]
  
• Vocal Selection: Sweet Little Jesus Boy [Pastor Bill sings this every year, so I have animosity toward it -- at least in this context.  It is a good song, though.  "But please, sir, forgive us Lord, we didn't know 'twas You," is always what strikes me most -- "Whatever you did to the least of these you did to me" and all that.]
  
• Lighting of the Christ Candle [including reading: Luke 1:68-69]
  
• Choral Selection: Rejoice With Exceeding Great Joy
  
• Offertory: O Holy Night [harp&organ, no vocals]
  It always feels sort of dirty to me to take an Offering during Christmas Eve service, like that's not what it's supposed to be about
  
• Scripture Reading: Luke 2:1-8
  
• Hymn: Angels We Have Heard On High
  
• Scripture Reading: Luke 2:9-14
  
• Meditation [I always forget there's a sermon on Christmas Eve.  Again, it feels like not the point, though tonight at least I was actually glad, as listening to a sermon forces you to think at least a little and I endorse thinking -- since I'm all intentional about my hymn singing and most people aren't necessarily.  4 points?  Seemed a bit much to me.  He actually only talked for ~15 minutes, which for him is amazing.  I think it would have been a better sermon if it had been more focused.  Highlights: "Do not be afraid."  Apparently variants on "Fear not" appear 365 times in the Bible -- convenient for the calendar we have.  God came not to bring religion but to bring relationship.  God wants us to know Him.  Christmas is not about Santa or anything else but about Jesus.  All the good things we associate with "the holiday season" should be year round.  He said the holiday season can often be a time of conflict and he didn't mention the "war on Christmas" but instead listed examples such as having to see relatives you don't particularly like, and he talked about relationship there, too, about asking ourselves who we need to forgive and whom we need to ask forgiveness -- and because I went to school with Ruhi I thought of Yom Kippur.]
  
• Hymn: Hark! The Herald Angels Sing
  
• Communion Observance [I always say I'm jarred -- though pleased -- that we have Communion on Christmas Eve, but I've talked about it so much that I was actually expecting it.  In the Invitation this time, though, PB talked both about confessing our sins before we come to the table and also about being cleansed by Christ's blood.  I admit I haven't been to UCN on a Communion Sunday in a while and I don't pay all that much attention to the Invitation, but I definitely don't have any sense of having grown up with a pre-Communion Confession tradition, and since it was part of the Invitation it definitely would only have been a personal silent Confession.]
  
• Lighting of the Christmas Candles [This is when they extinguish all the lights in the sanctuary.]
  
• Hymn: Silent Night! Holy Night!