burning like matchsticks in the face of the darkness

( one of his disciples said to him, 'Lord, teach us to pray, as John taught his disciples. )

***

Tallessyn told us a story from Trelawney.
She's in Northern Ireland, and there's a town called "Derry" which got renamed "Londonderry" by the Protestants.  So there's this enclave of Irish Republican Catholics which has this big gable mural of black letters on white background saying: "You Are Now Entering Free Derry."
For Pride, the white was painted pink :)

*

Will asked me what I was gonna do with my Mondays and Wednesdays now that ASL class is over.  Without hesitation I said, "Now can I go to the gym after work again," and he shuddered.  I was amused, 'cause I've gotten used to a very different culture.

We were talking about Convo, and I mentioned how I'd been looking at the schedule and it's 10pm Vespers and 7am "greet the morning," and said that the last time I went to a convention, we didn't sleep, but that's 'cause we were getting drunk and making out with people, which I didn't expect would happen at Convo.  He said: You never know; I'm hoping.

I talked about what Eric had said about how Convo would ask me to change the world and how I would respond: Yeah, no.  I said that I was going to hear brilliant academics speak and that I'd forgotten that there was an additional purpose to Convo.  He said there'd be plenty of that (the brilliant academic stuff) at Convo and that I should always feel free to take time for myself when I needed it (he had been saying that Marla was gonna be doing like everything during Convo, and I'd commented that in looking at the schedule I felt I could skip a bunch because I wasn't gonna do the world-changing).

[above two paragraphs edited for comprehensibility]

He said and I'm more okay with evangelical style worship, right?, and I was like yeah I guess.  He said there was a lot of that at Convo.  I didn't mention that I tend to approach worship services as academic exercises, so....

He got asked to preach by MOSAIC, so I'm sad that I'll be getting in too late to see that.

Marla's gonna be blogging Convo.  Yes, I asked for the URL.  She said if I had any "experiences" (good or bad) at Convo that I wanted to tell the world about, to let her know, because she didn't think the blog should be all her, that there should be other voices (guest-bloggers).

*

Tiffany's going to a Methodist Conference at Oxford (Christ Church -- yes, having studied at Oxford I always ask "which college?" now when people mention Oxford) around the time I'm in England.  I told her I was tempted to crash her Methodist conference, and she said actually she'll have a lot of blocks of free time and it would be great to see me and she'd send me the schedule.  (Not that I'm trying to avoid you, of course.)

I am so much more zen about a lack of structured plans than I was years ago (for which I largely credit Joe), and this weekend's trip was testing my zen, but really I was good.  It didn't feel like a pseudo-birthday trip, but I enjoyed seeing people.

On my way up to Smith, I passed the art museum and was tempted to go see "Medea and Her Sisters: Leonard Baskin's Images of Women."  I decided I wasn't in the mood for art-ing (plus I've gotten spoiled and don't actually wanna pay money, even though I know that's lame 'cause I should be supporting stuff I like and I certainly do have disposable income).  I kind of regret this now 'cause looking at the exhibitions list there's also an Ansel Adams exhibit.

Allie and I made plans to hang out at Haymarket.  I got there early 'cause I was hungry.  My palate has expanded a lot since I left college (even since I first became a vegetarian -- something like 8 years ago) so I was bold and ordered Arroz a la Cubana -- black beans wither onions, garlic, spices; also: rice, banana, egg.  Yeah, I could only finish about half the black beans.  Much too flavorful.  Oh well.

I go a Nine-One-One (strawberry, watermelon, etc.) smoothie which was yummy.  [The next day I got an Above & Beyond which is strawberry and banana and stuff and peach juice, but the peach isn't overwhelming as I had worried it might be.]

Allie and I hung out for about 3½ hours.  We talked fannish stuff, of course.  Re: pairings, she said "You're much more adventurous than I," which is true, but makes me laugh because when we first met I was so mono-fannish and she was v. poly-fannish, so I still think of her as the fannish slut.  (Emma and I had a similar conversation that night, as she tends to be OTP-ish, and I'm much more of a Fanfiction as Schroedinger's Cat person.)

She also explained Mina de Malfois to me (I'd seen mentions but never bothered to investigate) and now I understand why Ari's interested in it :)

I was glad I was able to stay overnight after all, 'cause with Emma's Saturday work schedule I didn't get to see her until almost 8, and the last bus departs at 8:40pm.  So instead of getting a half hour with her, I got a solid 24 hours with her :)

We had dinner at Packard's, which is hardly a vegetarian haven, but I did get food -- mushroom caps with spinach and cheese, plus a giant basket of french fries (which the menu says are "slightly spicy" but which Emma told me aren't really, and I was v. pleased to find that she was right: they tasted like plain shoestring fries, which was exactly what I wanted).  She got cow and a strawberry daiquiri.  I got a Smirnoff Twisted Raspberry (the current Mike's ad campaign bothers me, so I don't wanna support them financially).

I was telling Emma how there was an "Advice I'd give to my 16-year-old self" meme going around not too long ago and how I really can't think of much for myself.  I've made bad decisions, but not only did they all come out all right, but if I had somehow avoided making that decision would I have also somehow obtained the knowledge that I gained from the experience?  Maybe I would tell myself to suck it up and take driver's ed anyway -- suffer through it with my friends and have less of the terror of driving that I do now.  [For those just tuning in, I have never so much as sat in the driver's seat of a car.]  But really, would I actually take any advice I would give myself (never mind the issue of knowing that something is a good idea but not being able to bring oneself to do it anyway)?

One of her roommates (Ali) got kittens: a male (grey, one month old, Wimsy) and a female (tabby, two weeks old, Wooster).  We know I'm not really an animal person, right?  These were so tiny and adorable, though.  However, after a few minutes, I was like, "Yeah, you are full of energy and require attention (including making sure you stay out of trouble); much like small children, I am glad you are not in fact my problem."

We turned the lights out around midnight but stayed up talking, and I'm inclined to agree with Emma's estimation that we didn't actually go to sleep until about 3am.  (karabair, she reads Cable&Deadpool.)

I actually woke up around 9am and thought about going to First Churches, but I felt gross ('cause unshowered) and would have had to leave a note for Emma or whatever, so I went back to sleep for a couple of hours.  I did get a shower, though, for which I was grateful.

We went to Bruegger's and hung out with Cat and Laura some more.  (We had seen them briefly the previous evening.)

( discussion of representation of female creators/roles in Western literary canon, sff, and film )

Emma did a decent job of selling me on Remington Steele, and one of these days I really am going to watch Casino Royale.  Earlier, Sin City came up, and in surprise she asked, "Why haven't you watched Sin City yet?"

Oh, and she showed me the printout of her Senior Prophecy, and my face hurt from grinning reading it.

Over dinner Sunday night, Emma argued that humans (monkeys) are built to be meat-eaters 'cause we have pointy canine teeth and "predator eyes."  (Predators have eyes on the front of their heads while prey have eyes on the sides of their heads.)  The "predator eyes" thing was new to me.  I am not sold on the canine teeth 'cause we really don't have the bodies to rip apart raw flesh, and as far as teeth go I feel like our mouths are dominated by our molars (herbivore grinding teeth).  I've also heard that our long intestine is something found in herbivores -- that carnivores have shorter intestinal tracts.  Okay, the Internet gives me arguments both pro-vegetarian and pro-omnivore.  Honestly, I'm not deeply invested in the argument since for me it's primarily an ethical issue.

Emma talked a lot about her writing, and I feel like she's a writer and I'm really not.  I get story ideas sometimes, but even leaving aside the fact that I completely lack the discipline to finish anything (or even the ideas to sustain much), interrogating texts is much more where I feel at home.

***

paper_crystals and musesfool had birthdays on Sunday.  Hope they were lovely.

Before class tonight, people kept saying it was hot out, which confused me, since it actually seemed fine to me [me who far prefers the cold].  (Oh, and I saw Cate and the bus stop, so we got to catch up.)

Edit: After class, Will and I were talking about preferred seasons, and he actually prefers the less-light of winter: (1) When he wakes up and it's dark out, he feels like he's on top of things, but when he wakes up and everything's already light and has been up for hours, he feels like he's already behind (2) In the winter, you can go to bed at 7pm if you want 'cause it's dark out so that feels legitimate, whereas in the summer it's constant going going 'cause it's always light out. /edit

The first half hour of class I felt like we learned more vocab than we had in like the past week's worth of classes, though that totally wasn't the case.  But we were doing stuff like all the major colors (including brown, black, grey, pink) and the seasons.

Edit: Also: Next week is our last week of classes. How did that happen? I mean, it's good, 'cause I'm gonna be away for most of August (which, ack, is soon), but still, crazy. ('S only a 5-week class.) And yes, I need to sign up for fall class (which is only one day a week, but 10 weeks). /edit

Walking up Holland St. on the way home, a black woman said to me, "Wut dat?"  At first I hadn't realized she was talking to me but she repeated it and I realized she was.  I was holding a styrofoam container which had half of a portabello mushroom, spinach, and bleu cheese panini; with a side of lentil salad.  So I just said, "Mah dinner."
     "Your dinner?" she replied, and we kinda laughed and kept walking (she was passing us going in the opposite direction).  I said to Will later that I was used to getting hit on but not used to getting asked about my food like that.  He said she liked my answer, though.  I'm not entirely sure, personally.  And I would actually be perfectly happy to give a street person food (not that she looked like a street person)

I came home to a piece of mail from Toni Morrison asking me to donate to the SPLC.  A gift of a minimum amount will get your name on the Wall of Tolerance, and they actually already give you you the certificate saying your name will be added (along with a set of address labels, which is par for the course), and I totally thought of the section in Max and Deepak's book about sending a dollar out with each copy of a survey and how it makes people feel obligated and leads to a higher participation rate.  Yes, I tried to remember what that was called.  Apparently it is the FITD technique?  (I had been thinking of that but thought this example was under a different category.)  I'll have to check the book draft at work tomorrow, 'cause obviously I don't trust wikipedia as the ultimate authority.
     Edit: Okay, the book talks about it in a section on "token unilateral concessions." Yeah, the "free gift" example wikipedia talked about is more FITD than the certificate.  Though the certificate isn't exactly a token unilateral concession (I would feel more comfortable arguing for address labels as such); though it does play into feelings of obligation. /edit

Heh.  I went out into the kitchen to put my lentil salad into a resealable container and pour myself a glass of juice.  OriginalRoomie was coming out of her room at just that moment (her room is right next to mine) and our subletter was also in the kitchen.  Now, we can do go days without seeing each other period.
     He asked how we were, and we basically grunted.  I asked her how her show was going, and she said fine. 
     He said okay, he was going, and have a nice evening.
     She said, "And, scene."

She said, "I have two days off in a row.  I finally have time to do stuff."
"Are you gonna spend half the time sleeping?" I asked.
"Yeah.  And spend the other half cleaning.  I may have to quarter it up to fit food in there, too."

Things which are made of win:

* One of my best friends calling me on my way to work to wish me a happy birthday.
* antheia's birthday message to me :)
* Lorraine sent me a birthday card which has a sullen looking white fluffy cat (wearing a tiara) on the front, and on the inside it says, "I like you. (And I'm finicky!) Happy Birthday"
* A certain someone actually remembering my birthday.

I also got assorted Facebook/e-mail/LJ messages, and my mommy sent me a birthday e-mail to both my personal and my work e-mail addresses :)  And MaryAlice remembered this morning before she got in to work and sent me a birthday e-mail.   Also, hee, a text message from Emma!  (You're making this a tradition, aren't you?)

*

We always go to Pho Pasteur Le's (usually at my request), so I decided we should go somewhere else for a change.  I had Bombay Club in mind since it's one of the places in Harvard Square I haven't yet been to (and comes highly recommended by some of the faculty), forgetting that I'd actually just been for Indian on Friday.  Anyway, the food was pretty good.

While we were eating, Eric commented that he doesn't really like Indian food much, doesn't really like the taste of the spices they use (he got rice and some kind of chicken), so I asked, "So why'd you come have lunch with us if you don't like Indian?"  (Bear in mind, he dislikes sitting still for long periods of time, so he's taken to running errands during lunchtime -- or working through lunch so as to leave early, particularly on days when he's dead from boredom -- rather than eating with us like every other day.)  He replied, in this tone like I had just asked the stupidest question ever, "Because it was your birthday."  Aww.

They add an 18% gratuity for parties of 5 or more (we were 5), which isn't a huge surprise (though I'm used to it being 6 or more), but we looked at the menu and at the buffet and all ultimately opted for the buffet.  Granted, people come and take away your used dishes and bring you more water, and ask if you'd like coffee or anything, but it still felt a little weird.

Ranjan lives in Davis Square, too, so I asked him what his favorite Indian restaurant in the area is, and he far and away recommended Punjab Cafe in Arlington.  kurukami, I thought I'd pass that on :)

There's a Malaysian place (Rendang) across from Bombay Club, which we may try out for MaryAlice's birthday.

***

In ASL class tonight we learned lots of prepositions and verbs and direction words and suchlike.  I jotted down most of the words but mostly despaired of actually writing down hints of any of the actual sign-actions.  For example, "school" and "paper" are similar, but I feel like we learned another sign tonight that also looked very similar to that one.  A lot of the signs (especially direction type words) feel intuitive, but grasping the subtleties of how the similar ones are different from each other feels a bit overwhelming.

We learned "come" and I giggled and looked at Will and he was like, "NO."  But then we had the midway break and he was all, "Go, ask him your question."  I explained that no, I already knew how to sign it, and explained about Sunday.  I did ask how to say "birthday," though.

In the parking lot after class, Will was chatting with Maura, and she was talking about how it's her birthday on Wednesday (she turns 23) and I mentioned that it's my birthday today, and Will turns to me and says, "WHAT?"  I honestly had thought he had been present for the conversation at Sunday dinner, but apparently not.

In other news, Lindsay was saying that some of the words we learned today are real signs that mean something distinctly different in NZSL -- our word "cafe" means "cousin" in NZSL, and even more terrifically, our sign for "boss" is NZSL for "taking your dog out for a pee."  Oh, and apparently the Name Sign she was given is very close to the ASL sign for "transgender."

( dinner )

( discussion )

( Affirmations )

closing prayer:
Trelawney opened with prayers for heat relief, and when it got to Michelle she said, "Thank you for making me hot."  [This is bonus fun because she does in fact, like me, prefer the cooler weather.]  Eric was the last one and said, "Thank you for making Michelle hot."

I told Michelle about how in the previous day's ASL class we had learned "hot" and "cold" and someone asked about "hot" as in an adjective for a person, and Alberto said it was the same sign and demonstrated, and Will quipped to me later: "So to make it a noun, you have to queen it up."

I was gonna get two containers of salad today -- one for lunch and one for dinner -- but I ended up getting pasta for lunch (spinach ravioli with mushrooms, tomatoes, olives, and alfredo sauce) and samosas & coconut rice for dinner.

Near the beginning of class I was feeling really bored by the repetitious review, but then we learned so much new vocabulary (it boggles me that Will doesn't take notes, not even just the English words so you remember what it is that you learned and are supposed to be practicing) and there were a few moments of "What are you asking us?"

We reviewed man/woman and learned son/daughter (and oh, it occurs to me know that punctuating it thusly in a fannish community is problematic -- we haven't actually learned husband/wife or the like, come to think of it) and I could just feel Will tensing up beside me.  He asked what the sign for trans is, and Alberto showed us the one kaimia9 told me about that Kirk said is the sign for "beauty" but at the chest rather than the face. : He also taught us "gay" and "lesbian" and "straight."
     I thought about asking for "bisexual," but Kirk had said basically you just fingerspell "bi," that there is a sign but it's basically "sex with two" which is problematic (I pointed out that it would be a better sign for "poly"), and I'm okay with the easy fingerspell of B-I.  We got out 15 minutes early again, and I asked about "queer."  He said you just fingerspell it, and I kinda sighed.  As we walked to the bus stop and were talking about it, Will pointed out that it is still considered an offensive term by a lot of people.
     When later I was explaining that January of my senior year in high school I got a crush on a girl and was like, "Oh, I must be queer," since I'd had a crush on a boy, and I should have said that my choice of terminology came from recently having read an essay by a mixed-race queer woman, which was my introduction to the term.  (I'd already explained a little at the bus stop about how I wasn't looking for a sign for a GLBT umbrella term but rather a self-identifier and how "queer" is my preferred term, though I'll say "bi" for easy "I like boys and girls" shorthand, that it's one of those rare places in which I am liberal "this implies a binary . . . " -- in retrospect I should probably have thrown in the word "pomo.")

Edit: Oh, and I noticed the handshape that Emily used in demonstrating "queer" when we learned "middle" (e.g. "middle school") and I think as an alternative sign for "why." /edit

We waited about a half hour for a bus (opportunity for me to finish eating my dinner) and then walked back all the way to home from Harvard Square, getting to see where they moved houses on Mass. Ave.  (We went in to the FoodMaster, and it wasn't until I got home that I remembered that I had intended to go to the FoodMaster myself to pick up a couple things.)

I ended up talking lots about my family history -- starting with talking about the UCN schism.  Oh, and mom, I haven't yet mentioned this in LJ, but I was telling Will that now that I'm older and know lots of clergypeople, I have a lot more respect for what a demanding job that is.  (Though you are still way more Christ-like with PB than even current-me would be.)

It's interesting reflecting back on this stuff.  What did prompt my researching/writing of my essay?  It must have been zining and/or penpalling, but I can't remember specific context besides that.  I'm also not sure I had any non-hetero pen-pals, though I must have read zines by such people (I remember the bisexual woman in Florida with the lovely zines whose name I can't recall now -- and actually now that I think of it I was introduced to trans through zines).

Telling people stories also brings to the fore where my gaps are -- like how I was told the story of the founding of the Baker but didn't bother to make it stick, but also like how I never needed to articulate what Bill or Helen or whomever did, so when actually talking about it to someone I find myself stumbling over what should be offhand sentences ("mental health work . . . with children").  And also just how much I've forgotten -- like what the PB-Polly conflict was, what got railroaded in that Annual Meeting I went to (I know they added more Christ-language to the church creed, but that I could understand; there was something else that got railroaded in).

Also, the nature of story-telling in these informal contexts is such that you go off on or get pulled off on tangents, so I didn't even get to some of the really interesting stories.  I mean, I mentioned the fact of the earthquake but didn't actually get to tell any stories, for example.

Will's right, though, that he did learn most everything about me in that hour and a half or whatever.  (We parted ways after FoodMaster, and I got home about 9:30.)

I feel bad that there were plenty of times when he said stuff about himself and I wanted to ask follow-up questions but didn't (for some reason I feel like I'm prying if people don't volunteer elaboration on their own, even though I know that I need little prompting to talk about myself at length but often don't provide elaboration unprompted 'cause I don't wanna bore people, plus often people just forget that someone doesn't know certain stuff about them, like what they do for a living for example).

Edit: It also occured to me during our conversation that I don't know if Miles knows ASL, though my guess would be no. /edit

Edit: Oh, and I forgot to mention that we learned numbers 11-20 (having learned 1-10 last time), and 11-14 are this total "Bring it" motion which caused me to mentally snark about whether the people who developed these signs were parents of adolescents. /edit

***

I had a bunch of links and discussion stuff, but I was headachy at work today and didn't get much accomplished, so I would like to be closer to well-rested and actually productive tomorrow, so I am going to bed.

I did not realize it was the Summer Solstice until the flist informed me this morning.  Amusingly, I am wearing a dark shirt (albeit short-sleeved) today, to go with my ubiquitous dark pants (I don't have any light-colored work pants that fit well, so sue me) and dark flats.

There's a scheduled network outage for July 2 and 3, so I think I'm gonna schedule stuff for those days that I never have time for anymore, like getting my hair cut.

*

Story of awesomeness for the day: MaryAlice was out front chatting with Barbara, and a flower delivery guy shows up, and MaryAlice jokes, "For me?  You shouldn't have."  And without missing a beat: "After last night?  How could I not?"

*

So, Lea's friend was kind enough to link me to this (which demonstrations I wish went slower, btw), and the Religious Signs section [I found while looking for Protestant] includes Prostitution.  Obviously this is a major word in the New Testament (though moreso Prostitute*, really), but still, AWESOME.
* Edit: The sign for Prostitute is actually in the main dictionary. /edit

On a practical level, it was most useful for numbers, which I totally wasn't able to take notes on in class.

It also has stuff like multiples of ten and o'clocks.  And states, which are just finger-spelling the postal abbreviations, which is boring -- though probably better than stereotypical name signs.

*

Gym after work.  (Sidenote: When Katie and I left ~5, there was a crack of thunder and big dark clouds.  Heart.  We didn't get actual lightning and rain until like 8:30? 9:00? -- I thought about Affirming God for the thunderstorms, since this was during Affirmations, but by the time it was my turn I'd forgotten.)

I was kinda tired and not full of energy, and my thighs hurt a little (in that sore way, not like I was doing real damage) during part of it, which continues to be lame.  But my times were actually still good, which made me happy.
1mi @ 10:54min
2mi @ 24:08min
2.48mi @ 30min

I opted not to do any weight work, because the last two times I've thought I've allowed myself sufficient time to get somewhere after the gym I end up being a little late.  So of course this time I arrived at Davis a half hour early.  I had to return a book to the library anyway, so I just stayed there for a while, browsing The Wall Street Journal (which we get at work, but which I never have a chance to read, in part because newspaper format is so unwieldy).  I liked the article on Frye boots ["The Boots That Kicked Off an Era Are Back" by Christina Binkley - June 21, 2007; Page D1 - Fashion Journal].

I've been fairly lazy most of this weekend, so this afternoon I walked down to Tags to purchase a box fan (as well as a few other things) -- only to find it was closed for the holiday (as was The Caning Shoppe, but that was less of a surprise).  I had some grocery shopping to do anyway, so I did that at Shaw's.

The walk wasn't too bad, though I reaffirmed that the sandals I'm fond of aren't great for long walking and also that I could totally do without it going above 80F.

It also induced nappitude.  Huh.  We'll see if that messes with my ability to sleep tonight.  Parenthetical: I am so pleased that we are still in that part of the season wherein it actually cools off overnight.

***

Last night, Tiffany mentioned that she's taking a summer ASL class (one of the CWM members is deaf, and she feels so so stupid that she can't do ASL, despite the fact that he's very good at lip-reading etc. so it's not an actual serious hindrance to conversation), so I jumped at the chance to take them with her.  For years I'd been thinking I would like to learn it, but without anyone to practice with I knew it wouldn't stick.

***

Later last night, Ari was asking me if I was doing anything for Pride -- which is like two weeks long.  My instinct was "not so much", which of course surprises no one, but looking at the calendar I am excited about churching it up that Saturday.

Saturday June 9th
9:30am
    Pride Interfaith Service
    At the Union United Methodist Church, 485 Columbus Avenue, Boston.
    The guest speaker will be the Rev. Troy Perry, Founder of the Metropolitan Community Church
11am-11:45am
    Pride Service at Arlington Street Church
    This year’s theme is “Wake Up!”
    Service will feature music written and performed by queer artists.
    Arlington Street Church, 351 Boylston Street, Boston

***

Original Roomie's working on Tom Stoppard's "Indian Ink" at BCA Plaza (June 15-July 1) which looks interesting.

***

I'm also considering going to see the Nathan Fillion-Keri Russell film Waitress.