burning like matchsticks in the face of the darkness

Seriously.  I was at the FoodMaster yesterday and nada.  CVS after work today had lots of energy bars, and tucked away in a corner a few Nature Valley oats'n'honey.  I wanted Quaker chocolate chip granola bars, or something like.

Anyway, day....

Prof.B. was prepping for a conference call, so I had nothing to do for most of the morning.  I scanned Astonishing and watched girl kissing.

When they came up for lunch, Eric saw I was scanning, which led to explanation of what.  He thought the second volume wasn't as good as the first one.  [I thought the first volume was interesting but the second was fascinating.]  He was too tired to have an actual argument, though.  (My theory is he's getting sick; he said he was feeling really tired but didn't know why.)

I bought apples at the Farmers Market yesterday (red -- Goldstar -- and green -- Shamrock) and brought one of the red ones in with lunch today and so good.  Black cherry yogurt is also yum, but I already knew that.

I figured I'd head to the Health Fair afterward, but I ended up getting sucked into helping Prof.B. tweak his PowerPoint presentation.  (The program is a tool of the devil, but I did feel v. accomplished that I could do almost everything he asked supah-easily.)  And then I conference called -- only the second time I've ever done that, so that was stressful, but the instruction book was conveniently right there so I didn't have to dart back to my desk to grab my copy.

Home: Mail included my book from Megan, and a card.  The address was typewritten, which only my grandparents do, but the postmark was Boston.  No return address (ah, memories ;) ).  I opened it up: On the front (and dude, it's glittery.  for the win.) it says "As you settle in your new apartment" and on the inside it says "Hope it soon has that settled-in, lived-in, loved-in, feeling!  CONGRATS!"  JoeF had typed(!) a message on the other inside side as well -- which included an explanation of why they won't be able to attend but the more important part comes later:

But you will be on my mind.  The last time I saw you I thought you looked radiant, ready to take on the world!

What a great time of life this is for you, the threshhold of so many wonderful possibilities with the gifts you've been given.  I'm not the only one expecting great things from you; Everyone who knows you is expecting them, too.

And an apartment just adds to the excitement of it all.

Congratulations!  The best is yet to come.

Carol and I wish you the realization and fulfillment of all your dreams.

Oh, NewRoomie saw the note (I'd magnet-ed it to the fridge) from DownstairsNeighbors and asked what exactly the deal was with the apartment-warming (but not in an accusatory manner).  She says she'll probably be at the library most of the day but will be back for cake :)  I told her I'd be sure to save her a slice.  I explained about how I've gotten used to thinking of the party as "mine" even though that's not really true since I have housemates and all, and she said that if I was providing all the food and everything that it kind of was mine -- as in, don't feel bad for thinking/treating it like it's all your own.  This was actually a great comfort to me.

I also had an e-mail from my brother.  "Basically, I am taking 17 credits for 20 hours/wk and 2 jobs, one for ~10 hrs/wk, and one for 8 hrs/wk.  That totals 38 hrs + homework (which is supposed to be equal to the time spent in class, so tack on another 17-20 hrs)."  Yes, my brother is totally the driven overachiever of the two of us.

Okay, bedtime for me and Ari (yes she arrived safely) now.

***

During the bored morning, I did the Interests Collage thing.  It cycles through, so even if you love what you got the first time you can see what else it gives you.  Almost all the Whedon ones are awesome, but the one I have is really the first one it gave me.  I adore that it gave me El amor abraza el universo, México, Diego, a mí y al señor Xolotl as the first one for Frida Kahlo.

Mine had 61 pics, so it must have eliminated a few of the 70 interests.  It tells you, "If you don't want any picture at all for a particular interest, Ctrl-click it," so then I took off a whole bunch (making it even more difficult for anyone trying to match image with interest).

( My Interests Collage! )

I've gotta say, i really appreciate the validation of my post-graduation plans.  I get all stubborn independent "my life, therefore my opinion wins," but it's still comforting and strengthening to be affirmed, to have other people agree with me.  And Gillian and Briana both say i'll be the best date ever ;)

So anyway, Commencement Weekend.

Rehearsal Friday morning was lame.  It did give me a better idea of how the ceremony was gonna go, and Meg and i got to feel cool 'cause we know what "speech act" is [and it sounds so much like a marriage pronouncement, too -- "by the power vested in the Board of Trustees and delegated..."], and i enjoyed the projector images even though they were hard to see, but it wasn't tremendously helpful, and oh the stupid questions people asked.  There were i think 2 valid questions -- neither of which the woman was able to answer well (how early will the ITT be open if graduation is inside, and how are we supposed to do our graduation hoods).  Liked the German guy running things, though.  Afterward, we took the class picture on a steep grassy knoll, which was ever so much fun.  Lunch was good.  Danne gave me a rose.  I got a graduation card from a couple at First Churches whose faces i can't even think of to match with their names.

My parents arrived Friday evening and we went to see Six Characters in Search of an Author.  Well-acted.  Unsure how i feel about the play itself.  Interesting ideas about how no one else can really be you.  But characters in a play aren't actually existant persons, they're characters created to be performed by other people.  (As opposed to characters in books, who were created to exist within their own world and not to be embodied by other people.)  The immutable is more real?  Yes reality is always changing (as they say) but does that make the past an "illusion"?  Is saying "No, it's memory; that's different" a cop-out?

Ivy Day was Saturday morning.  Side-zipping dresses are a bitch, and i owe Poorn much love.  It was actually pretty.  (They should have told us the reason to arrive 45 minutes early was so that everyone could take pictures of us.  Have i mentioned how the Commencement/IvyDay rehearsal didn't actually include anything about Ivy Day?)  After all the processions, though, when we sat down and listened to people talk, i was cold and bored.  [When i said i wanted winter back, i didn't mean when i was sitting outside in a sleeveless dress.]  Reminiscent of Class Day.  The box lunch following was yum, and i first went home to change into real clothes, so sitting outside and eating was nice.

We went to SCMA next, and i abandoned my family partway through for the departmental reception to search for Jessie.  I hung out with Meredith, and Joan (whom i don't see enough), and saw Mary Barbara [Sherborn lady], and finally found Jessie.  Also Skarda -- who was giving out department pins for regalia, which apparently they've been getting rid of for at least 2 years.  I rather liked them, though i actually forgot to attach to my robe come Sunday.  After my family finished with SCMA, they went to Lyman and then found me.  They got a rather full Skarda experience.

Skarda suggested i write about massage in literature -- seedy and all.  I said it would be like my seminar paper -- fun to research but not so much to write.  She said she doesn't think of her massager as the brightest bulb.  And it's hard to get employ as the market is glutted -- but then, she pays one.

Skarda said only about 300 people (recent stat, probably from Atlantic Monthly) support themselves from their writing.  My father suspects this doesn't include, say, journalists.  He says i seem very comfortable with words -- very comfortable in front of a keyboard, using words.  So true.

Skarda told Joan's mom that she could always count on us to say smart things in Telling and Retelling.  Joan didn't remember speaking much at all in that class, and i'm inclined to agree (though i know i talked a lot) but whatever.  Reminded me a touch of Liz Carr's effusiveness, which was amusing.

Saw Prof. Kaminksy, who asked about my post-graduation plans.  I told him bartending and massage school.  "See, that's that look i was talking about."  No, actually, he was thinking about all that practice you have to do, and would i be local.  And he managed to not make it sound skeezy.  I mean, i know him, so i know it's not skeezy, but it's so the kind of thing that would have come out skeezy if i'd said it, so i was impressed.

We had dinner at Fresh Pasta, which was yum as usual.  And because our reservations were for 5pm we beat the dinner rush.

There was time to kill before Illumination Night, so i picked up my Zaleski final, since i'd been forgetting to that for days. ( cut for professorial commentage )

When i was finally hungry again we went to Burdick and i got a $4 hot chocolate.  Not the sex-in-a-cup i was recalling from Winter Weekend, but still good.

Illumination was one of the few graduation exercises i was kind of excited about, and it disappointed.  The lanterns looked like balloons (pink, yellow, yellow-green, blue) though they were less bad when one was close-up (they had shrubbery designs on them) or when they were illuminated.  The Senior Candle Lighting was kinda lame -- we all got white candles and the class president lit them and then it was like "okay, yay you, you can go wander the illuminated paths now."  I was expecting some sort of procession -- since that seems to be a theme this weekend, and a procession of people holding candles would be cool.

Sunday was Pentecost.  I did the Scripture Reading (Acts 2:1-21 and 1 Corinthians 12:4-13) and was also asked to do the Call to Worship, which i willingly did, though i'm not sure how i feel about it.  ( Read it if you're interested. )  (Googling, it's apparently a poem by R.S. Thomas -- a 20^th-century Welsh poet.)

Apparently Pentecost is considered the birth of the church, so they did confirmation this Sunday.  In... South America i think Tessa said it was... they pour flame colored rose petals over heads as symbolic of the flames of the Pentecost story, so she had the little kids do that to the confirmands.

Peter's sermon was called "In Our Own Native Language," and he talked about the confirmation class kids' statements of faith and how we each have our own frames of reference and things that are particularly important to us and so on, so when we talk about our faith it's like we have our own individual language, but people are still able to understand us, and it is due to the Holy Spirit that we are able to bridge some of the more difficult gaps.  I was a little confuzzled because my interpretation of the Acts account was that the disciples -- who were all from approximately the same linguistic region -- spoke and all those gathered (who came from a multitude of linguistic regions) heard their words in their own native tongues, not that the disciples all spoke in their own native tongues and everyone present was somehow able to understand them.

During her statement of faith, Isabelle used the phrase "war-torn," and i want people to understand why God sometimes demands -- or is interpreted as demanding -- violence or other things that we perceive as not good.  I had a moment of intense contra-left-ness and wished for God to be full of wrath and vengeance and pro-killing-people.  More sanely, i want people to realize that it is not true that the Bible fully supports what they value and that they're opponents are just wrong and misinterpreting; i want them to realize that it is complicated.  (Gee, look at how that is always my desire.)

Back when Peter first asked i wanted to be involved in a graduation service, my mom suggested that i ask for "Here I Am, Lord" to be included.  I didn't, since there wasn't really an opening to do so.  However.  What was the closing hymn?  "I Danced in the Morning"  I learned that i don't dislike the tune -- though it doesn't feel quite right -- and it's so not as obnoxious as it sounds when F. sings it ;)

I got so many congratulations after the service.  MJ gave me a card with a Starbucks gift card -- because i so frequently do tea duty and she comes over and chats with my while she drinks her coffee.

They were having a luncheon thing, so we went back to campus for brunch.  My brother said that people should just pay off portions of his student loans instead of giving him physical gifts.  (He's gonna graduate RPI with way more loans than i have from Smith).  I like that idea :)  (2 graduation cards arrived for me on Saturday -- both containing checks :) )

Like Ivy Day, Graduation seemed to require arriving 45 minutes early in large part for the photo ops.  I was rather indifferent.  I did actually get excited when we started to process, though, feeling all official and proud, and the happy face.  I saw a whole lot of people i knew on the sidelines and had a good view of the faculty procession.  It was a bit chilly, but i had jeans and other appropriate clothes on under my robe, so i didn't mind much.  And the college had thoughtfully provided us with bottled water underneath our seats.

There were a few drops of rain at the beginning of the procession, but otherwise it was completely fine.  And i actually liked both speeches -- Lauren Wolfe (to whose election as my class president [insert "She's not my president" joke here] my near immediate reaction was dread of Commencement) and Shelly Lazarus -- and approved of the honorary degrees.  Lazarus, class of 1968, talked about expectations and about what things were like when she graduated.  She said the question now isn't whether you can have at all but whether you want it all.  She talked about a Manhattan waitress who loves her job, saying, "Don't judge!" [Edit: link to full speech]

The whole thing only took about two hours.  A half hour of procession, a half hour of speeches, 45 minutes graduating us, plus about 10 minutes for the masters candidates, and then we were done.  Except for the Diploma Circle.  It sounds like a neat tradition in theory, but we had like the most ineffective diploma circle evar.  You're supposed to pass diplomas in concentric circles, passing the diplomas you've already seen into new circles, but we just ended up passing the same diplomas, and sometimes we had stacks of them and sometimes our hands were empty, so we finally just made one big circle -- which feels to me like how it should work anyway -- and i got mine relatively quickly at that point.  Immediately post-Graduation is an impossible time to see people, and i was impressed by the speed at which i connected with my family, but i was lucky enough to see Layna at the CC (where i used up my remaining OneCard money on more drinks). And hopefully now that we're residing in the same vicinity i'll get to see more of her.

Summation of the weekend: Having events structured as meaningful moments, like, "You're going to do this, and it's going to be meaningful for you," is weird. [Edit: Last week, Stacey said something about me being a control-freak and i said i didn't usually use that phrase, though i definitely use a number of similar phrases/adjectives for myself, but the phrase kept recurring in my head this weekend, since i know i really like to be able to control what i'm doing and i was realizing that that was probably the reason behind a lot of my ragifying moments this weekend. The fact that i didn't know in advance exactly how things were gonna function, trying unsuccessfully to find people, etc. -- all that is the kind of stuff that drives me up a wall.]

P.S. My brother says he's been pleasantly surprised by senior ceremonies (his and mine) and we had similar thoughts about what was good and what wasn't. He was a good sport about being dragged around all weekend, regardless.

I have Palmer orientation this Thursday.  In the mail on Monday i got my Student ID.  Look, i'm officially a student again :)  I really do need to get myself an actual job.  And, um, bugger.  I didn't actually coordinate the transportation before registering for a Palmer class, so i didn't think about the fact that i'm dependent upon two commuter rails plus a subway and 10pm is perilously close to when commuter rails stop running in Boston.  So yeah, don't actually have a way home.  Ditto Sunday service for the first day of my bartending class.  Why do i suck?  My mom can drive me in to class on Memorial Day morning, though, so that's not a big deal.  Any volunteers to drive me home from North or South Station in the vicinity of midnight every Tuesday night?  Floors to crash on also appreciated.

I also need to get myself a real job.  Having class at Salem at 6pm makes this whole office job thing difficult, though.  Grr.  See above re: thinking ahead and "I suck."

---

I read "Homestead" by inlovewithnight.  A good solid story that reads like an episode of the show [Firefly].  The voice reminds me of the show i love so much and brings tears to my eyes.

marauderthesn asked for suggestions of "gay movies that are watchable with parents."  I am so a bad person to ask.  I mean, i watched Claire of the Moon with my mom.  (Horrible movie, btw.)  My favorite moment, though, was watching Jeffrey and the phone ringing and hitting pause right on the "sex" frame.

penknife says: "Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe trailer: looks very pretty, but who knows about the acting and the script. Good or not, will clearly be next year's shiny new fandom. I fear the badfic."  All this Narnia movie talk is bringing out my seething loathing of adapting books into movies (Really need to write up that manifesto i do.) but the idea of more Narnia fic is appealing -- but then again, the fic i have loved has dealt with one of the things i hate about The Last Battle, and i don't tend to remember the minor characters in non-LWW books well enough to feel right reading fanfic about them, and i'm not sure how much good fanfic could be created with only the knowledge of LWW -- though White Witch backstory could be really interesting, either as post-MN for those who know it (which reminds me that i want more Illyria fic, also ancient!Dawn, and should check out History Lesson) or as AU for those writing only with knowledge of LWW, and the theology geek in me would be really interested in seeing any of the LWW characters post-LWW back in their own world.

I finally got a feedback on "Osiris Serenity" over on Blood Sings.  Brought tears to my eyes.  Interestingly, rereading the fic, i am less satisfied with it than i used to be.

I don't even particularly like The Clash, but i've had that stuck in my head since last night.

We so go to a girls school. During dinner, two adorable little girls came in, and they had the attention of probably the entire table i was sitting at. Then they pulled out My Little Ponies, which i love. I miss Hayley and Chelsey.

People have stopped asking me if i've heard from my grad programs yet, but back when they were asking i kept forgetting that i even had apps to be waiting for until people asked me. Now people i know are starting to get acceptances, and i'm truly happy for them, but it reminds me that i haven't got accepted anywhere yet and makes this fact and my looming post-grad future stick in my brain. I don't even know if i wanna be in a PhD program next year, and i know i'll be happy whatever i'm doing, but everyone just assumes i'll get into grad school and i'm not looking forward to disappointing people. Plus, i find all of my friends exasperating at times, but they're also all more brilliant than i am, which i think is unfair.

I felt removed from RCFOS tonight, in large part because the recent retreat and the upcoming Mollie Rogers weekend were so a part of the atmosphere. (And not because i was/am not a part of those things and it was an exclusionary atmosphere, just because i don't feel connected to those things.) Also because my bad mood still lingered, so i didn't trust myself to contribute in a non-bitchy manner.
A vigil for rainforest activist nun Dorothy Stang immediately preceded and heavily colored the meeting. Emily asked what you would do if you knew that the path you chose for your life would lead to your death. I thought, flippantly, "All paths lead to death."
Emily also read a passage about Buddhism and Christianity and touching God and people kept talking about touching God like i would talk about oneness or full communion with God.
After the fact i was able to articulate coherently and respectfully on those two topics, but at the time i just kept quiet.
OtherElizabeth mentioned The Polar Express, which i've been meaning to reread for ages. I recall loving it, and i talk about it as if i still love it, though i am apparently guilty of misremembering the ending. I half-suspect i'll prefer my ending. Oh me and my tragedy.
In related news, it makes me sad that i don't spend very much time talking with Ruhi.

P.S. I'm jealous of Amherst. We do get Judith Halberstam, though.

I learned from antheia that this week's rightclicklick theme is "Boy Touching." I may have to friend the community for the week. However, she has already linked to the best post thus far -- from which i learned that Dangerous Lady (1995) includes Jason Isaacs kissing a guy.

Other highlights:
This includes: Interview with a Vampire, Jude Law and Stephen Fry, Maurice, Brideshead Revisited (which dammit i really need to read; totally didn't know it was queer until last night)
This includes Alan Cummings and Jason Isaacs
This includes Jay and Silent Bob go film noir
This includes John Cameron Mitchell and Stephen Trask (and David Boreanaz and Alexis Denisof). Warning for Macaulay Culkin in the top image.

The Phantom of the Opera (Gaston Leroux)
I read this and found it a right bore. In large part because i wasn’t into the various romances. I haven’t in fact seen any of the dramatic productions of the story, though i can see how one could read this story and feel compelled to create a dramatic romantic production of it.

Flowers in the Attic (V. C. Andrews)
I finally got around to reading this book. It’s not bad though hardly the best thing i’ve ever read. Having read the plot summaries of the full original series and looked at the family tree for the whole thing, it seems very soap-opera-ish, and i’m disinclined to read further in the series.

Father of Frankenstein (Christopher Bram)
I read this so i would be allowed to watch the movie Gods and Monsters. Reading the book i found myself constantly reminded of Ed Wood. Now that i’ve read the book, of course, i have no desire to see the movie. I also think some of the casting choices a bit off, but whatever. Anyway, the book is not bad.


I also watched Jeffrey, which i quite enjoyed. I’d been meaning to see it for a while because of gay Patrick Stewart, and i am so not surprised that Emma so loves the movie. I want a Jarod Steve. (Oh, that’s who Ann Miller is.) The ending didn’t quite work. It came close, and given how the movie had been i thought, once that final scene began, that the ending would in fact work, but it didn’t, which was disappointing, because it could have.


Break also included Being John Malkovich, E. M. Forster’s Maurice, rereading the Narnia chronicles, finishing watching TNG on DVD, and finally watching a video of the NHS Les Mis. Yeah vacation :)