"Joy Sadhana is a daily practice in the observation of joy."
-mylittleredgirl [more info]
Glimpse Despise not your mother when she is old.

Yes, my dad misread a sign in Hagerstown today [Proverbs 23:22b].

Speaking of church things, apparently the half-time pastor at my grandparents' UU church only preaches on alternate Sundays. I've had people, upon hearing that my evening church has a quarter-time pastor, ask/assume she only preaches one Sunday in four -- and I've always been boggled by that idea, but here I am encountering it in the wild. And there is a certain "effective use of resources" element to it...

I also learned that if it seems like there's a bit of thread sticking out of tights, it's a bad idea to just cut it off, because if they're knit then you end up with a hole in your tights. Oops :/

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I've self-identified as queer/bisexual for almost 8 years now. Wow.

I mean, in some ways it feels like a "duh, always" kind of a thing -- 'cause hi, that was my senior year of college high school, so it was like the start of my "adult life."

My facebook status says, "Elizabeth knows coming out is every day."

I think my being queer/bisexual is like my being vegetarian and my being libertarian. There are no obvious visual cues, and people often assume (reasonable inferences based on a variety of context clues) that I'm at one end or the other of a spectrum I'm more complicatedly in the middle of. I mention my identity when it comes up, though I'm sometimes hesitant to do so, and people often remember and sometimes don't.

At CAUMC group this Thursday, when we were washing dishes, Laurie was talking about doing karaoke with a bunch of Scandinavians in a hotel bar in Greece. I said that totally beat out my story of going on an English-speakers pub crawl in Rome with my brother. I mentioned that I'd tried to get a straight girl drunk enough to make out with me, which was just an unsatisfying experience. Laurie said something about it being a shame that not everyone wants the same thing. I said, "If there were any cute boys, I would have wanted to make out with them, too..." I like coming out in this way, providing information as an organic part of a storytelling -- even though at the same time I'm also making a very conscious effort to make sure my whole identity gets communicated/understood (something I definitely don't do all the time, which I think is okay, though sometimes I do think I'm copping out and not wanting to "make a big deal out of it").

I was talking to Mary Alice on Friday and yeah, we are like friends.  I was thus reminded that I really am surrounded by/keep finding a lot of good people -- HBS, CAUMC....  It's easy for me to be so cynical about humanity por lo general, and I do have exacting standards for people I wanna stay in close contact with, but it's also good to feel like the world is mostly populated with generally good people with whom I can get along.

[On a more down note, I'm so not into Ulysses, and the idea of having to actually have thoughts about any of this makes me feel woefully inadequate.  Part of me thinks this will be much better if I take a religion class next semester, and part of me worries that that won't be the case.]

I went to Little Shop by myself Friday night.  Definitely a good show.

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On Friday, Nicole invited me out dancing with them Saturday night for her roommate's birthday.  I agreed, though I wasn't feeling excited.  By the time I left my apartment on Saturday, though, I was actually looking forward to dancing.

Waiting for the train at Davis, there was a small group of definitely inebriated people waiting with me.  They were neither teenyboppers nor skeevy, though, which was a nice change of pace.

One of the women (there were two men and two women) was talking about how her face was red, like a fieldhand's, from having been outside in the cold, and somehow this got into making up the word "handfields," which prompted one of the guys to sing "turn turn turn ... handfields."

As we pulled into Harvard, I got up and one of them said, "We should get off here.  This is where she's getting off.  She looks like she's going somewhere fun."  They also complimented me on my "sparkly" shirt.  (I was wearing my dark blue glittery shirt.)  Such a positive experience (she says nonsarcastically).

I had closed my windows while working in my room 'cause it was cold (upper 50's), so knowing it would only get colder, I figured I'd bust out my long black coat.  Turns out, the only time I needed it was when we were standing outside the club after it closed.  Ah well.  I had forgotten how much I enjoy wearing it, so that was kinda nice.  (And I still can't help singing Dar to myself when I wear it.)

We went to middlesex in Central Square, and initially I thought I was gonna dance, but I was intimidated by Nicole and Laura (full of energy and enthusiasm and good at it) and then the music wasn't very good.  Cailin was tired and thus not up for dancing, so I sat with her and we talked (though I fear I was kind of a sucky conversationalist).  Later we did both get on the dance floor, though there kept being lame people on the dance floor (really bad at noticing that other people were around).  The club closed at 2 and I only really wasn't enjoying myself for that last hour.

At one point, Cailin said as a statement/question: "So there aren't a lot of boys at Smith"
I replied: "Bisexual, so kind of a moot point, but true."
Yay easy coming out.  She asked about my type, and I mostly don't have one, but I was thinking later that "striking" is largely it -- for women at least.

At another point in the conversation, she asked me about my ideal job.  I said: "Getting to read books and watch tv and movies and talk about them."
Cailin: "Have you considered getting a blog?"
I laughed and said I had one.  I was relieved that she didn't ask for the URL or anything.
Job suggestions included working as a reviewer and an editor.  Thing is, (1) I want conversation more than I want to make statements (2) I don't have the background in genre conventions or anything to be able to talk about stuff in relation to what it's drawing on etc.  [And also, having done my Little Shop writeups, I am reminded that I get so wrapped up in the little details that it's hard for me to make the broader more encompassing statements.]

I crashed at Nicole and Laura's (obviously).  After Laura changed into pj's she was sitting on the living room floor so I just moved off the couch to behind her and began rubbing her back.  Later, we watched an episode of Arrested Development episode (2.05 "Sad Sack").  I had never seen that show before but decided then that I couldn't be less interested in it if I tried.

Around 4am I was getting into bed (well, an aerobed) and I realized, "The T starts up again in an hour, and I'm actually not especially tired..." but I did stay.  I woke up around 9 and considered being like a bad one-night-stand and just quietly getting dressed and leaving, but instead I went back to sleep and when I woke up around 10:45 Laura was up, too.  I was pleasantly surprised at how not gross I felt and I went with them to brunch at Tremont 647.  Now, I tend to think that I walk places way more than most people I know, but even I double-taked at the idea of walking to the South End from Harvard.  It actually only took about an hour, though.  Mass. Ave. all the way.  (I had totally not known before that Smoot measurements get painted on.)

The food quality was good, but our food definitely didn't all come as ordered and our waiter wasn't especially attentive.  Cailin talked to the manager, so we got our food comped (only paid for drinks).  When he came over to apologize he asked if we were celebrating anything and Nicole said yes, Laura's birthday.  A short while later the waiter came over with three tiny cupcakes, one with a lighted candle in it.

Jonah called, had to cancel last-minute, but was very apologetic and offered to pay for his ticket.  I asked if anyone wanted to come with me, and explanation of what happened of course prompted opening up the etiquette question to those at the table who hadn't already heard the story.  Nicole's conclusion is that Eric "has no manners" -- though that's "not a dealbreaker."  I have a little bit of a cognitive dissonance that the same women who were much more upset about the etiquette-less cancelation than I was have also still not given up on the idea of an "us."  (I mean, I know that they all obviously know he's a good guy, so the judging dynamic is somewhat different than it would be in other contexts, but still.)

Cailin was going suit-shopping, so I decided it would be a good time for me to head home.  I got home c. 4:30 and took a quick shower.

trijinx was happy to come to Little Shop with me, though I foolishly hadn't realized the Sunday show started at 7pm (as opposed to Friday's 8pm show).  We got let in anyway, which I appreciated.

( more thoughts on the show )

Since "the night [was] still young," we walked back to Park St. and then had food+booze at Mike's in Davis Square.

I ended up on AIM for an hour and a half with Joe that night.  I really like catching up with people, though I feel like I've gotten so bad at conversation recently (something I suspect is tied to the easy conversation I have with Mary Alice and Eric every day -- that I get used to that environment and have gotten out of practice with like all other conversational environments).

Though apparently I'm gonna be omgsocial this week.  Have I mentioned recently how much I love living in the city?

(I'm not sure what happened this weekend, but our refrigerator is back to being v. empty.  We do now have pretty light switch covers, though.)

I expect work tomorrow to be even more slow than last week, with Prof.B. out of the country, so Monday night tv writeups will be set aside for then (allowing me to sleep now -- assuming of course I haven't completely thrown off my sleep schedule).

Eric, to me (upon seeing my jacket on the back of my chair): "I love that you're rocking the 80's jean jacket, with the unicorn patch."  He said it seemed very not me, but then conceded that he doesn't really know me outside of work.  [We have in fact almost never interacted outside of work.]

Later he borrowed my computer and was surprised by my desktop image.  "It's a gay teddy bear," I said; "How is it not me?"  He said he didn't think of me as a cutesie girl, which is absolutely true.  (Though I do still have my Sears Winnie the Pooh that was an early first birthday present.)

Cailin came by just then and was all "It just has a rainbow; it isn't necessarily gay," and I explained that it is the gay bear from Vermont Teddy Bear company, conceding that rainbows don't necessarily mean something's gay (which is actually something I argue in other venues, but I was uncomfortable here because here I wanted it to signify gay).  Not that she's homophobic at all, but it seemed very clear to me that she was reading me as straight and the gay bear as thus incongruous, and I really badly wanted to come out right then but I couldn't come up with a way to say it.  (I am uber-coward, plus I was calling it a gay bear -- I realized later I should have said Pride bear -- and I don't at all want to identify as "gay" because that elides the liking-males part like whoa, so I think my brain got stuck.  Oy.  I so fail.)

Eric had come up to our floor helping Alyssa carry a batch of photocopying back to her desk, but no one was around so he ended up sticking around chatting with us (Alyssa, me, Cailin, Mary Alice).  He was talking politics with Mary Alice for a while which of course made me uncomfortable (in part because I haven't been keeping abreast of stuff enough to argue any side) but then she went home (she leaves at 4) and he and I kept talking and it was substantive comfortable conversation -- y'know, like one has with real people.  At one he mentioned how now that he's taking his pills (his phrase) again he actually has an attention span.  I'm a big fan.

***

Today I:
+ bought Astonishing #17
+ almost forgot to obtain parking permits but thankfully it's on my way home, so those got obtained
+ bought groceries
+ did laundry
++ (during the wash cycle: bought more groceries, during the dry cycle: read more of A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man -- not a fan, btw)
+ [in progress] ate something resembling dinner
+ [next on the agenda] watched CSI

Also on the agenda:
+ do the dishes
+ order boots from Payless

Weather reports are predicting highs in the mid-90s tomorrow and Wednesday, so my plan is to basically live in the library (which, unlike my house, is air-conditioned), finally read LOTR or something, though perhaps on Wednesday i’ll go to visit my grandmother (whose apartment is also air-conditioned).

Today i slept late (my body seemed to have just crashed, despite it’s already having crashed in a long evening nap yesterday) and had a lazy day. I went down to the library in the evening because i had various errands to do there, and then i hung out with Terry a bit. It’s interesting to me the ways that people are concerned about me. He thinks i don’t get out enough, aren’t social enough. He says i’m young; i should be out clubbing or something. I’m just not a real social person. I like one-on-one, but i’m not big on going out partying or anything. Plus, i didn’t have too many close friends in high school and i’ve really lost touch with everyone from high school (though i do have plans to attempt to remedy that with a few people). He’s been on my case for literally a month about what i’m doing for the Fourth of July. Honestly, i have no plans and i really don’t care. Patriotism giving me squicky feelings aside, it’s just never been a big deal to me. I like the fireworks, but other than that i could wholly do without it.

Somewhere else in the conversation he asked me about my post-college plans. I haven’t thought too much about what i wanna do after college, so i told him what i have thought about. I mentioned working in publishing, as an editor, and he asked how much that pays. I said i had no idea; i really haven’t looked at pay rates for jobs i won’t have for another 5 years. “Why not? Don’t you want to make a lot of money?” “Not really. I want to be able to live comfortably, but i really don’t need a lot.” This prompted a discussion. My parents have raised a family of 4 on roughly $30,000 a year, and while granted we have low rent and don’t own a car, i have never felt deprived and if we could raise a family of 4 on that, i certainly think i could raise a family of 1 on it. Terry said he didn’t think he could live on $30,000 a year, with a car and insurance payments and all. He was very sincere and thoughtful, not flippant at all. I thought that was interesting. He said i didn’t want anything, and i said that wasn’t wholly true, so he asked what i did want. I haven’t really thought about that much, especially because he mostly meant after college and i really haven’t thought much about that, but i did my best to answer. One of the things i said, thoughtfully, was “I think i want to be dating someone.” “Someone?” he asked, in a tone that asked me to clarify. I knew where he was going, but i wasn’t going to say it. If he didn’t say something i was going to say something like, “Yeah, someone nice, and intelligent, and sweet,” but then he said, “Someone? Guy? Girl?” “Either, really.” “Either one?” “Yeah.” “Why?” I took a deep breath. “How do you answer a question like ‘Why?’ ” i wondered sincerely. “Why not?” he said. “Sounds like a good reason to me.” His face didn’t look too stricken, but he kept saying stuff like “wow” and taking deep breaths. I just laughed. After a bit he said something like, “Moving right along.” And i keep writing stuff about fluidity of sexuality and the logistics of “coming out” to finish this off, but it keeps sounding gratuitous and pretentious, so i’m just not.

In the interest of posting something of some intellectual merit, here are two articles my dad sent me: one on sweatshops and one on IQ.

And in gay rights news, Bush Signs Law Extending Benefits To Same-Sex Couples and Homosexuals Fight For Same-Sex Marriage In New Jersey.

I finally saw last Thursday’s Bulletin tonight, and Jim MacPherson’s letter was in there, too. I was gonna just let it go, but since the letter’s in both papers i feel obligated to write a response. Sigh.