burning like matchsticks in the face of the darkness

I had dinner with Ruthie last week instead of being Lutheran, but I went tonight -- with my mom, which was the first time that had happened in a while.

Turned out it was their last one until September, so we were glad to have gone.  Lauren and the pastor both asked about my move and exhorted me to come back and visit.

Thunderstorm was imminent, and they left the front door open so at one point the candle flames were flickering, which I loved.  And oh the thunder.  (Yes, I love thunderstorms.)

The Scripture was 1 John 3:1-7 and the Reflection was "Beloved" from The Only Necessary Thing by Henri Nouwen.  I totally dozed, which I felt bad about -- but I haven't gotten enough sleep all week, so so it goes.

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After tonight's rousing round of cleaning out my closet floor, I think I really just need a few hours to put all my remaining books, clothes, and assorted schtuff into boxes/bags and I'd be good to go.  However, I'm going out tomorrow night and won't be back until after midnight, which means come Saturday I might have moved from tired to exhausted.  Plus, who wants that timecrunch stress?  Oh, and I have to pick up some furniture, which cuts into the time even further.  And I remember when we moved me into college first year and I was snappish with my mother in large part because I had been up half the night packing; and I don't really wanna repeat that, 'cause being short-tempered and cranky and pissy is no good.  And... here's the most important part: It's supposed to rain all day on Saturday.  This is really The Factor causing my decision.  (It being New England, however, I of course have anxiety that it will not rain on Saturday and will instead rain on Sunday, and I will thus feel way lame.  Even though I know the extra day is a good idea anyhow.)  I had psychologically committed to moving on Saturday, so I hate the idea of changing it to Sunday, but I keep telling myself it's a good idea.  Ooh, and this means I can go to SuperCuts on Saturday.  (My hair has been driving me up a wall this week.)  Another point in favor of Sunday.  (I do apologize for having to cancel on you, Maria.)

OriginalRoomie called ~3:30 this afternoon.  The landlord wanted my share of the rent.  No one had told either of us that the girl whose room I'm taking had not in fact bought out the remainder of her lease so I was expected to pay June rent.  Which is fine since I will be living there for June after all, but it would have been nice to know in advance.  This does not make me feel great about the landlord -- communication and all.  But we shall see.  I am in my zen place.  I would drop it off after work tomorrow except that I have dinner-and-a-movie plans.  OriginalRoomie said I could drop it off at the apartment on Saturday, but upon reflection it seems silly to do that if I'm gonna be moving in on Sunday -- like why not just bring it on Sunday.  So I'll call tomorrow.  I have to ask about whether I'm allowed to bolt my bookcase to the wall anyhow.  Apparently a guy's coming to fix up the bathroom in mid-June and he'll fix my windows then, too.  Good thing I'd resigned myself to moving in with the windows still cracked.

I used the word "equidistant" in my conversation with OriginalRoomie and she was pleased and impressed.  The previous day, Eric had gotten on my case for using the word "endorse" in a sentence, so I was v. glad to have support of my fifty-cent vocabulary :)

My brother said Somerville had 4 libraries.  MLN has three branches.  My dad was right that the West Branch is the closest one to me.  "Directions: MBTA: Red Line to Davis Square. Walk 2 blocks up College Ave. Library on left."

BED NOW.


Edit:

(1) I packed my checkbook, so I'll have to dig it out. Sigh.

(2) Rain is now predicted for Sunday as well as Saturday. I really do think giving myself this extra day is a good idea, though.

(3) Spirit of the Beehive @8:15pm + 97min = making the 10:35 home rather than the 11:50. Nice.

After the opening, Pastor Saling took a moment to announce that a member of the congregation had died suddenly.  I learned after the service that she was 80+ (though it was still a sudden downturn after a series of health problems) but at the time I didn't know, and regardless I got a bit of a clutch in my stomach.  I have no idea who this woman is (though she obviously meant a lot to the congregation) but yeah, I am a total feel-your-pain sucker.

The immediately following chant was "Alleluia, Alleluia," which was a touch jarring.  It's fairly mellow (hence, ya know, it being a chant) but still it starts with "Alleluia," eight times.  I approve, though -- that whole "Rejoice in all things" idea.

Apparently last Sunday was Good Shepherd Sunday.  I hadn't realized that was an official Thing.  So tonight Psalm 23 was read responsively and the Scripture reading was John 10:11-18.

The Reflection was "I Am the Good Shepherd" by Don Schwager.
I zoned out way early, so mayhap I am just tired?  (A shocker, I know.)  I still think last week's woman read too softly, but JohnZ's reading was mellow and I've been crap at focusing these past couple weeks anyway.

The Litany was the "let us pray to the Lord, have mercy" one I like so much.  And JohnZ actually chanted it, which was heart.

Closing chant:
Our darkness is never darkness in your sight: the deepest night is clear as the daylight.
La ténèbre n'est point ténèbre devant toi: la nuit comme le jour est lumière.
[Except we only sing it in English.]

I hugged the pastor after the service and hung out for a bit.  We talked a bit about the picnic.  I wanted to say that I was glad they'd used the litany I like so much and that John had actually chanted it (instead of just reciting it).  But it felt weird, so I just hung out.  He thanked me for being there, and I assume he meant how he likes that I come to service every Thursday, but it's entirely possible he meant more than that.  I hugged him again when I left.  They felt more like real hugs this time.  And after the first hug, he let his hand rest on my arm for a bit.  Touch is good and powerful, yo.

At the service, he was dressed in dark clothes and wearing his clerical collar -- since he had spent all day at the hospital, I imagine -- and I was thinking later about what being a pastor entails and how you see people at the most intense moments of their lives.

There were fewer white taper candles than usual, and the tea light candles or whatever they are in colored glass were in purple glass.  There had been a vase full of colorful fake flowers beneath the cross for quite some time (the whole of Epiphany possibly?) and that was gone.  The cross itself was draped with a semi-transparent purple cloth.


Per usual, I wasn't all that taken with the chants, but I did enjoy comparing the English to the Latin.

     Chant: "Our Eyes are Turned to the Lord"
Our eyes are turned to the Lord Christ.
Our eyes are turned to the Lord God, our Savior.
     Latin:
Oculi nostri ad Dominum Jesum,
oculi nostri ad Dominum nostrum.

     Chant:
We adore you, Jesus Christ, and we bless your holy name;
truly your cross and passion bring us life and healing.
     Latin:
Adoramus te, Christe, benedicimus tibi,
quia per crucem tuam redemisti mundum,


As previously mentioned, Evening service through Lent is themed "The Beatitudes of Promise."

"Tonight's reading is from Matthew 5:1-12."  Since this is the whole of the Beatitudes, I imagine it will be the reading every Thursday through Lent.

¹Now when he saw the crowds, he went up on a mountainside and sat down. His disciples came to him, ²and he began to teach them saying:
³"Blessed are the poor in spirit,
      for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
⁴Blessed are those who mourn,
      for they will be comforted.
⁵Blessed are the meek,
      for they will inherit the earth.
⁶Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
      for they will be filled.
⁷Blessed are the merciful,
      for they will be shown mercy.
⁸Blessed are the pure in heart,
      for they will see God.
⁹Blessed are the peacemakers,
      for they will be called sons of God.
¹⁰Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
      for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

¹¹"Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. ¹²Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.

Lenten Reflection: "Blessed Are The Poor In Spirit" by Robert Wells

I Googled, but the speech on the Beatitudes that I found wasn't really what was read.  Anyway, it talked about surrender to God and how we can't do anything on our own and suchlike -- stuff that is wholly appropriate to Lent, and to Christianity more generally, but tha doesn't really ping me because, as I was telling Ari recently, Christianity is very much in tension with my intense self-sufficiency.


The prayer was a new variation -- Lord, we poor sinners ask you to hear us. / Hear us from heaven and grant your blessing. -- still spoken, and I still prefer the chanted one.  ( full prayer )

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There was a sign up in the foyer about Grace Episcopal's Lenten series -- Narnia, Tuesday nights 6-8pm with a "light dinner" served.  And something about showing a short animated film for those who don't know the story.  I'm hoping the film is at the beginning because I can't get there until ~6:30 anyhow and would really like to miss animated!Narnia.  Looking at their calendar it looks like they're just doing The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, which I supposed makes sense as they're probably only going to have ~1hr of discussion time each night and that's pushing it.  So we'll see if I last through all 5 Tuesdays.

Mommy came to Emmanuel Lutheran with me tonight. (Still Epiphany season.)

Pastor Saling led it, which hasn't happened since he had his stroke, so I was quite pleased.

The Scripture reading was 1 Samuel 17: 17-37, and the in-bulletin print trailed off after verse 24, so those of us who had forgotten how the story starts got to be surprised.  I have vague thinky thoughts rolling around the back of my brain, but sleep calls.

The Meditation ("My Other Coat is Chain Mail" by Julia Kuhn Wallace) talked about Saul's armor immobilized him and how the gifts we have don't always fit with the established (normative) ways of doing things and that we do a disservice when we try to make other people (or ourselves) fit how things "should" be done rather than the way God wants those gifts to be used.  And I feel like I'm articulating this poorly, but, um, have I mentioned bed?

I'm such a language dork.  Two of the chants were in English and a different language, so I was reading along in the non-English language and thinking about how the English translations (I assume the non-English is the original language) subtly change the meanings.

Gloria, gloria, gloria, glory be to God on high! And on earth be peace to the people in whom God is well pleased.
!Gloria, gloria, gloria en las alturas a Dios!  Y en la tierra paz para aquellos que ama el Señor.

Confitemini Domino quoniam bonus. Confitemini Domino, alleluia!
Come and fill our hearts with your peace,  You alone, O Lord are holy.  Come and fill our hearts with your peace, alleleluia!

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sky8eeyore: I saw Michelle Kwan icons and thought of you.

[Advent day 12] Matthew 1:18-21

¹⁸This is how the birth of Jesus Christ came about: His mother Mary was pledged to be married to Joseph, but before they came together, she was found to be with child through the Holy Spirit. ¹⁹Because Joseph her husband was a righteous man and did not want to expose her to public disgrace, he had in mind to divorce her quietly.

²⁰But after he had considered this, an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream and said, "Joseph son of David, do not be afraid to take Mary home as your wife, because what is conceived in her is from the Holy Spirit. ²¹She will give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus,[Jesus is the Greek form of Joshua, which means the LORD saves.] because he will save his people from their sins."

I dunno if the air was different or if *I* was different or what, but my nerve endings didn't really register the cold this morning.  Like, I knew it was cold but didn't really feel it.  Coming home was more of the "omg I'm so cold -- okay, now I've been walking for 5-10 minutes and am fine."

I called Eric and then realized I'd forgotten to ask him something so I called again.  (Please note: our phones have Caller ID, and though it only gives you the # you quickly learn to recognize the numbers of people who call you frequently.)  "Whadda you want this time?" Eric nearly yelled at me.

Oh, and when I called the first time I misdialed (4 instead of 7) and after like 2 rings got, "ITS, this is Barbara; how can I help you?"  I never get a real person that fast.

Eric called me later, so of course I answered with "Whadda you want this time" -- only not as loud/angry-sounding as he had done.  "Touché" he responded :)

I saw Laura, and she was heading out and had a black coat on over a white blouse and black pants and shoes.  "Hey Laura, you look nice," I said.  (Or "all dressed-up" or something.)
"I hate looking nice" -- that really is legit almost exactly what she said.
I explained that it was 'cause of the black/white and that up close I could tell it was just a regular coat.  She f'r serious took it off and put on a grey cardigan instead.
"Does this look more casual?"
"Yes, it does.  Note to self, never tell Laura she looks nice."
"You're so cute," she laughed.

Those of you who read officialgaiman?  Check this out.
Everyone else: read this and then go here.

The Boston weather forecast this afternoon predicted 4-7 inches of snow for tomorrow.  Nancy said she heard 8-12.  (My town, incidentally, is predicting 1-3; and for both here and Boston they're now saying a snow/rain mix -- blech -- with highs above freezing.)  ( more from weather.com at home )

Nancy is darling, if I haven't mentioned that already.  She almost went to Smith for their international business program, and it was down to Smith and Cornell, but she'd gone to a small all-girls Catholic high school, so she chose Cornell, where she met her husband, so I guess.  Telling me about the predicted snow, she was talking about taking her daughter sledding -- "If I can ever get home.  Maybe I'll just call in sick tomorrow."

I went to Emmanuel Lutheran Prayer Service again tonight.  Almost exactly the same as last week.  I was realizing that one can't necessarily get a sense of tradition from a single service because one doesn't necessarily know which bits remain the same all the time.  The Gospel reading was Mark 1:1-8, which was interesting because last night's lecture (yeah, still working on that writeup) talked a lot about John the Baptist so that was so in my head.  And of course Ed singled me out when he talked about Elizabeth in John's lineage in his post-Word reflection (title: "Why seek this one called John?").  He talked about how John probably grew up in a life of privilege, servants and all, which was interesting because I don't think of any of Jesus' cohorts or family (John was a second cousin) as being like that.  I got to talk to the pastor a bit afterward (though he couldn't stay too long 'cause he had choir rehearsal) which was good.  He thanked me for coming and he says he's getting used to my being there and is gonna be sad if/when I'm not -- though we're very clear on my Sunday church-hopping plans.

lunabee34 totally gave me a new way into thinking of how queer!Dawn fits into canon.  Yay discussion!  People praising my work and reading stuff they wouldn't normally is also yay.  And I'm getting to have that "what happens after the end of this fic?" discussion, which is neat, 'cause I'd thought about it vaguely but not thoroughly so I'm thinking about canon implications and such, and okay I so don't need more plot bunnies, but I'm still loving this.

memeage:

I enjoy the Dear Cthulhu way better than the Dear Santa.  ( So you even get a result. )

Other timewasters: ( me as an anime [or something] character )