burning like matchsticks in the face of the darkness

In a (locked) post on a community today, someone talked about considering joining her faith community in a more formal capacity and spoke of her resistance to joining things, to putting her name on membership lists, and solicited thoughts on formal and informal membership.

Having put together my reply, I thought it might be of interest to regular readers of this journal as well.

my autobiography is probably not a helpful comment (but here it is)

I grew up with Honesty and Intentionality and Consistency being hugely valued, so I often have a really difficult time labeling myself as a member of a group.  (See also the fact that I tend to feel sympathy/connection to a variety of, if not mutually exclusive then at least not wholly overlapping groups, so I feel not only more at home on the borderlands but also feel that is a truer statement of my identity.)

I grew up in a nondenominational Protestant church, and at some point during my teen years the pastor asked me if I wanted to get confirmed.  I said no, because I didn't know what I believed, nor did I know what I was supposed to believe in order to become a member of this church.  (My mother brought me and my brother to church every Sunday of our childhood, and I continued to attend until I left town for college -- but the pastor's sermons put me to sleep, so I usually helped with childcare rather than staying through the service; I never felt like I wasn't a part of that church family, though.)

The church I attended almost every Sunday my sophomore through senior years of college (two hours away from the town I grew up in) I was never invited to officially join as a member, and I would have said no if asked.

The year after college I lived with my parents and church-hopped some (though I spent most of my Sundays at the Congregational church), knowing I would be leaving town soon, so I saw it as more denomination-shopping than congregation-shopping.

Some months after I moved out of my parents' house (and moved a half hour closer in to Boston) I started church-hopping again and began accumulating church communities.  Two and a half years later, it's almost a stubborn point of pride that I attend regularly (read: weekly) at a number of different churches (two Sunday worship services, one Wednesday night worship service, one Sunday discussion group) but am not officially a member of any church.

I've been referring to Cambridge Welcoming Ministries as my "primary" or home" church for probably close to a year now and Tiffany (the pastor) sometimes invites me to officially join the church (this year I'm on Finance Committee, so I'm not uninvolved), but that means claiming not only CWM but also the United Methodist Church.  In looking at lay speaker certification recently I actually felt a willingness to officially join the church/Church -- though I'm still not ready to do it (yet).

In writing this up, it also occurs to me that because I'm involved in so many church communities, to claim one "official" membership feels problematically exclusive -- even though in some ways it shouldn't since I'm very clear that CWM is the church I feel most at home in, the church that most teaches me how to be church, the church that best embodies how I think church should be, the church that most nurtures my gifts and graces and challenges me (in a growing way rather than a frustrating way -- it does the latter, too, but less so than some of my other church communities), the church I prioritize and privilege over all others.

In a true community we will not choose our companions, for our choices are so often limited by self-serving motives. Instead, our companions will be given to us by grace. Often they will be persons who will upset our settled view of self and world. In fact, we might define true community as the place where the person you least want to live with always lives! -- Parker J Palmer, 1977, Quaker Faith & Practice, 10.19

The Parker Palmer quote [from the OP] definitely resonates with me as often my resistance to claiming a group identity label is very much connected to my resistance to being officially linked with certain other members of that group (political affiliation, church denomination, etc.).

I overslept on Saturday and thus actually got ~8hrs of sleep.  Come 9pm I was tired, though.  (Walking ~5 miles will do that, huh? ;) )  I was in bed by 10.

I actually woke up at 7:43am this morning, but was lazy and didn't get up until 8:44am.

Mmm, sleep.

Conversation with alixtii last night prompted me thinking yet again about how I am so not committed to this Christianity thing.  I was actually feeling this morning, "I don't care if there's reasonable historical evidence for the Resurrection," ["if" as conditional, not a statement that I have found a compelling evidential argument -- I've been wanting a definitive answer to whether such an argument exists for quite some time -- but rather that even if I were to be presented with such an argument I don't care] that I feel no desire to be a part of this, that I actually don't want to be a part of it.  Christianity has been an intellectual endeavor for me for some years now (though never to the extent I wish it were, because I am lazy etc.) and a recurrent theme is "I wish I weren't so attached to this tradition, because there are so many problematics," but some months back [I know I LJed it, but can't think of sufficient context to hunt it down] I had a moment of feeling free from that attachment and it was this bizarre feeling.  It passed, of course.  So at least this time I have a point of comparison.  The first time was a sense of detachment, but this time had more hostility.  I'm not really sure where that came from.  Certainly Alixtii's reply to my comment [which I still need to write a reply to] triggered my Boo on religious ceremony, but I come from a low church tradition so I've always been able to engage with theology separate from liturgy and my hostility to ceremony doesn't actually translate into a hostility to religious belief.  I am now of course expecting this hostile feeling to pass as happened the last time, but I also know that a lack of faith is where my trajectory has been headed (and arguably where I have been abiding) because I am so a rational and logical person, and I have long admitted that my belief in God makes me feel better and is thus v. useful to me (though I've recently begun feeling troubled that I'm using it as a faithless cop-out -- which is in no way intended to imply that all who believe in a Higher Power/s without the structure of an organized religion are cop-outs, merely an assessment of where I personally am at).  I draw from Christianity as I find it useful to me, but nothing beyond my belief in an Omniscient Omnipotent Omnibenevolent Creator has connected with me on a personal daily life basis (and even the God thing is probably up for debate given what an inner-directed stubborn self-sufficient person I am).

I have refused to identify myself as Christian for quite some time, but the prospect of definitively not identifying myself as such (rather than the nebulous faith struggle or whatever that I can cast myself in currently) makes me sad, because it distances me from many people I care very much about [not that we would cease to be friends or anything, but it gives us less common ground and makes me an active disbeliever in something which is very important to them] and because it deprives me of one position from which to be an actual rather than a hypothetical witness/Devil's Advocate (the whole "See, Christians can be...," "See, Christians are not always...," etc.; one of the most cherished things anyone has ever said to me -- though now I can't lay my hands on it -- was offbalance saying something along the lines of how through my example she saw that contrary to her previous experience Christians could actually be good thoughtful people).

( I did go to service at FCCN, though. Notes on the service, without further faith journey meditations, enclosed inside. )

My mom was getting out the ham to cook for Easter dinner (2pm) and I recalled how lamb is the traditional Easter dinner meat and was struck by how strange it was to eat lamb on the day that Christ (the Lamb) triumphed over death.

And oh my grandmother does not help my mood.  Inanity and complaints.  (Begging for silence feels weird when I am lamenting the lack of debate engagement on LJ, but really it comes down to wanting quality talk.)  And of course how everything is secular.

Peggy always joins us for Easter dinner and my grandma was warning us that Peggy really can't hear well, so I was filled with dread, but in fact it was fine.  So long as she's facing you she seems to be fine.  And she participated in and initiated conversational topics.  My grandmother, on the other hand, would at times start to say something not realizing someone else was talking, and at least once asked Peggy to repeat something 'cause she didn't hear.  Gee, do we think my grandma was projecting?  When Peggy left, she didn't react at all to anything said from behind her, so clearly she does have poor hearing, but you wouldn't know it in normal conversation provided you're careful to speak to her face and make sure you have her attention.  And she has actual valid conversation.

We had one of the bottles of Riesling -- Chateau Ste. Michelle (Columbia Valley, 2004).  I was nearly at the end of my glass when I realized I hadn't really tasted it.  Guess it was good then ;)  I also realized I probably shouldn't have drunk it that fast, and then thought, "Hey, maybe being not quite sober for this is better."  Except of course that when I get inebriated I just feel somewhat detached from my body, not any happier or less easily aggravated or anything.  If anything I get more withdrawn, and I feel nervous if I have to navigate complicated physical stuff (like getting to a T Station in Boston -- she says from experience) because I don't quite feel in my body.  But as I said, conversation turned out to be fine.  And later I helped my mom finish off the bottle and actively tasted it and indeed it was good.

So now I'm off to catch up on LJ.  Am not in a particularly negative mood, but I make no promises, 'cause dude, it's me.

Passover is coming up, so Emily asked Ruhi to lead RCFOS discussion tonight and talk about Passover. We talked about Exodus 7:16 (and briefly, Exodus 21:1-6) and Ruhi explained how the word translated "worship me" in the Hebrew means more like "serve me" or even "be my slaves" and we talked about the idea of serving God to the exclusion of all others and what sorts of things we feel ourselves enslaved to, and it was interesting and i found myself rather wishing i was taking notes

Liz came in late, after we all said things we were slaves to, so Ruhi asked her if she thought she was a slave to anything, and Liz said of course, that if she weren't she would feel so free all the time. Riffing off this, Ruhi said if she were free of everything, she would be praising God all the time, couldn't help it, would just feel so full of gratitude all the time, which is a way in which i had never thought about the whole "constant praising God" thing (a thing which has always seemed troubling to me, incidentally) and which actually made a lot of sense to me. And then ElizabethK said that it's like how when you're free of obligations and worries and so on you can notice all the beauty in the world around you.

We talked some about Old Testament God, and God is immature in Her relationship with Israel and the world and has to learn and how it's a partnership (e.g. Abraham and God discussing Sodom and Gomorrah -- Genesis 18:16-end) and i'm always torn on this, because i really like a God you can argue with, but i'm also really attached to my omniscient omnibenevolent God. (My need for that kind of a God is why i made the God leap.)

Check-out is something(s) you're looking forward to, and Ruhi said that Passover's coming, that "I'll be leaving the narrow places," which struck me as so powerful. Apparently Mitzrayim means Egypt and also "narrow places" or "narrow waters."

In other news, i've been using this icon a lot recently, and thinking about how the "we are who we choose to be" could be problematic with the idea that it elides the ways in which we aren't given a choice in a lot of things, and i thought about the image in the icon and how Anya thought about running away in Season 3 and how there she is taking up a sword at the end of Season 7 and what happens to her after that and thinking about how we don't always get to control what happens to us but we can choose how we react to what we're given. And yeah.

P.S. The first two pages of the Living Arts section in today's Boston Globe? (Finding their religion and Winding paths and spiritual journeys) I totally know two of the Smithies.