So, I fasted yesterday.

I got up around 10, intending to go to the Biversity Bi Brunch at Johnny D's (11:30-1:30).  I got caught up in some stuff on the Internet, so I got there around 11:35.  Place was packed, I really had no idea how to find the group I wanted, and I was not feeling that boldly social.  So I continued on to my shopping errands downtown.

I was conscious that I was hungry (I had consciously not had breakfast at home because I was expecting to have brunch) and that where I was headed downtown wasn't really abundant with breakfasty options.

I was already planning to go to Scott and Sonia's Yom Kippur breaking the fast at 7:30 that night ("Even if you will not be fasting (or not observing at all), we would like to invite you to join us for a scrumptious break-fast Saturday evening.") so I kind of decided to fast all day.

I'm not really sure how I feel about fasting.  I am a big fan of being attentive to our body's needs (e.g., eating when hungry) -- and I know people who struggle with disordered eating, such that they often ignore or don't experience hunger cues, so I have real pushback against training yourself to ignore cues like hunger.

I felt a little bit like I was cheating, because I'd had dinner at like 9pm the previous night, so it wasn't quite a 24-hour, sundown-sundown, fast -- plus I'd slept in, so it was only like 10 hours of waking fast -- but yeah, I kind of refuse to feel guilty.

All the food was vegetarian \o/ except for the pickled herring Sonia's mom brought.  I know it's traditional to break the Ramadan fast with a date (I broke my fast with a sip of apple cider and a bite of raisin challah bread) but the idea of traditionally breaking your Yom Kippur fast with pickled herring? :/

Ben came by by later on. 
After he'd been there some minutes, he said to me, "So who do we know here?
I said, "Well, a lot of the people are Sonia's family -- I could probably name about half the people here, but I'm not sure how many of them you would know, so it depends on what you mean by 'Who do we know?'"  I then pointed out and named (some of) the Harvard-affiliated people and then category-named more broadly.  Around that point, Sonia came by and did a slightly more thorough version but yeah, Ben commented to me later that I usually know what's going on [even when it's totally not my job].

I headed out around 10pm 'cause I could feel I was fading (and it's about a 45-minute walk home from their place) -- and then ended up chatting with my housemate and a friend of hers on the floor between our two bedrooms for about an hour and a half.  Oops.

While cleaning up, Scott and Sonia were like, "Who brought beer?  We don't even drink beer."  (Some of what had been brought had been drunk, and some of it they were willing to keep, but they definitely didn't want to keep all of it.)  I pointed out to Scott that he could bring it in to work. 
Scott: "How would I bring it in to work?"
me: "How do you normally get to work?"
Scott: "Not carrying anything."
me: "Okay, fine."  [He has RSI.]
So I brought it home.  Housemate's friend is taking the beer, so it will have a good home that is not the mini-fridge at my work.

Stop Walking on Eggshells (Paul T. Mason, MS & Randi Kreger; 2010) [2010-09-18]

So, (I'm pretty sure) I don't know anyone with Borderline Personality Disorder, but I found Stop Walking on Eggshells: taking your life back when someone you care about has borderline personality disorder (Paul T. Mason, MS & Randi Kreger; Second Edition) helpful anyway.  A lot of the stuff about the fact that you can't "fix" the other person (and also about boundary-setting, and trigger vs. cause) is broadly applicable.

***

I will caveat, however, that I'm not stoked about some of their language choices.

(1) They often alternate using "he" and "she" for generic examples, rather than going for a singular they or "he or she" (and whenever they do say "he or she," I think, "way to reinforce the gender binary").  (They do get points for having an f/f couple as one of their anecdotes, though.)

(2)

Non-Borderline (non-BP)
The term "non-borderline" (non-BP) does not mean "person who doesn't have BPD."  Rather, it is shorthand for "relative, partner, friend, or other individual who is affected by the behavior of someone with BPD."
-p.18

"Borderline" Versus "Person with BPD"
      Some professionals prefer the term "person with BPD." They believe that calling someone a "borderline" implies that the diagnosis defines the person.  These clinicians assert that the longer phrase "person with BPD" should always be used.
    While we agree that the term "person with BPD" is less stigmatizing than the noun "borderline," our goal is to produce a book that is readable and succinct, as well as respectful to people with mental disorders.  To examine the complex interactions between BPs and non-BPs, we must often differentiate between them--sometimes several times in the same sentence.  Using the longer phrase would have made this book too hard to read, so we have chosen to use "borderline" or "BP" instead.  More importantly, "BP" is inclusive of people who have not been formally diagnosed, but show the traits.
-p.19

( That said, excerpts I found useful... )

Pentecost +17 (C)

Today was Regathering Sunday at FCS.

Opening Hymn "Come, All You People"
(I'm used to just singing "come and praise your Maker," but this had a Trinitarian formation -- "the Most High," "the Savior," "the Spirit.")

Anthem: "Here I Am, Lord" (in a slightly different tune than I'm used to, but definitely the same words)

Scripture Readings
Isaiah 42:6, 7, 9
Psalm 40:1-3
Isaiah 43:18-19
Jeremiah 31:31-33
Lamentations 3:21-23
Isaiah 65:18
2 Corinthians 5:16

Ian H's sermon ("Building the Beloved Community") was the second in a series on change, transition, and transformation.  The Mission Statement was also printed in the bulletin today (along with the Vision Statement), and it ends: "We are of many minds in our spiritual beliefs, but one body in loving service to others and in joyful worship of the One who made us."  Ian talked about various works of this this church and invited us to reflect on where we feel called to serve.

(I have various thoughts related to the readings, the sermon, etc., but for not I'm just recording that Ian H. quoted Irenaeus: "the glory of God is a human being fully alive")

Hymn: "Be Now My Vision"

Closing Hymn: "I'm Gonna Live so God Can Use Me"

+

I feel sort of wriggly under my skin, like God was saying, "Yes I know you've been having a rough time recently, but remember that peace I gave you on Friday?  It's time for you to do some more focusing on yourself and the stuff you might be called to do."

re/New tonight's theme was "rule of life."  I'd been undecided about how much I wanted to go, but after church this morning I decided I did really want to go, so I planned to leave CWM dinner fairly quickly unless it was really good.  (CWM service ends ~6:30; re/New is 7-8:30; it's a 30-minute walk from CWM to FCS.)  I ended up staying at dinner until we ended at 7:30 (and stayed and helped clean up, in part because I knew Julia was willing to drive me, so I still got to re/New about the same time I would have if I'd walked).

I blathered to Ari a lot this afternoon about how much stuff FCS does that I want to be involved with (that I want to attend, at least) and how that contrasts with CWM since CWM is so small, and about what do these congregations want to be and what do I want from them.  Which are still valuable conversations, but it was nice to be reminded that yeah, this [CWM] is a good community and I enjoy spending time with a lot of these people.

During closing thoughts at re/New, Jeff V. shared that he was reminded of the fact that keeping the Sabbath is a commandment.  Which I think is something I kind of needed to hear, because recently I've been wanting to be more intentional about certain spiritual practices, but that requires certain tradeoffs, and Jeff's comment was a reminder to me to think seriously about what's really important to me and what I'm willing to give up.

I stayed to help clean up, and Ian H. and I carried a bunch of tables.
Ian H. said (in exaggerated seriousness), "Lead me, direct me, tell me what to do."
I laughed and said, "Don't tempt me."  (After Rest and Bread a couple days ago, I was chatting with people as they were settling/trickling in for a committee meeting.  Once they were ready to start, Ian H. asked me if I was staying for the meeting -- it was Worship Planning, which was the sort of thing I had been talking about the whole time.  I said, "Oh, now I'm tempted.  I like having Opinions and telling people what to do.  But I'm not sure I'm the most useful person to be a part of this meeting."  And so Ian H. wished me grace and peace until we meet again and blah blah blah.  I said, "Thanks.  [Beat]  Subtle."  Everyone laughed.)

I'm Reflecting at Rest and Bread this Wednesday.  On prayer.  /o\  (I also need to decide soon whether I am going to commit to being one of the pre- Sunday morning service Bible Study leaders or not.)

I think I am going to go to CWAC and TBC.

***

As I mentioned, I read Stop Walking on Eggshells recently.  One of the bits that really resonated was:

    Consider a lighthouse.  It stands on the shore with its beckoning light, guiding ships safely into the harbor.  The lighthouse can't uproot itself, wade out into the water, grab the ship by the stern, and say, "Listen, you fool!  If you stay on this path, you may break up on the rocks!"
    No, the ship has some responsibility for its own destiny.  It can choose to be guided by the lighthouse.  Or it can choose to go its own way.  The lighthouse is not responsible for the ship's decisions.  All it can do is be the best lighthouse it can be.
(p.87)

bff said, "You're a good lighthouse."

After we got off the phone today, I did art exploring the implications of that metaphor (yes, I know the analogy meant to illustrate a particular point, not to map exactly in every single way; and I took bff's "You're a good lighthouse" entirely as a good thing, which is what it was intended as).  I'm not sure that the pictures I drew actually convey what I meant them to, but *I* figured stuff out, which is the important part.

( pictures )