"Beloved, we are God's children now; what we will be has not yet been revealed." (1 John 3:2)

[hermionesviolin]

I spent about 12 hours out of my house on Sunday, home for about 20 minutes in the middle.  However, in that brief period of being home I checked my email and had an email with news that so gladdened me re: [redacted v. Holy Saturday] and as a bonus made me really happy re: [redacted v.2].

I'm still feeling avoidant about doing anything productive, but today I pushed myself to do various small things on my plate and to make headway on bigger things like catching up on CWM Financial Secretary stuff.  I really do not like talking about myself in ways that sound to me like clinical depression.  I am really committed to this self-identity of being a high-functioning person.  I also feel like I'm really emotionally healthy (I don't feel emotionally drained by the past few weeks, I was proud of my emotional maturity about something today, etc.) -- so it feels inaccurate to use words like "depression."

"On either side of the river is the tree of life...and the leaves of the tree are for the healing of the nations." (Revelations 22:2)

Comments

[marginaliana]

I feel like most of the time when I comment on your entries it's with things about myself instead of about you, for which I apologize. That said, "I am really committed to this self-identity of being a high-functioning person" - hello, me. That's... I'm going to have to think about that for a bit.

*hugs*

[hermionesviolin.livejournal.com]

Thanks, dear. I'm glad when my articulations of things are useful for other people as well -- and I definitely don't get the sense from your comments that you're making it all about you in a way which isn't sympathetic and attentive to me. And I know my instinct often when hearing a story is to be like, "Oh yeah, I have a similar experience!"

*hugs you back*

[speacechilde.livejournal.com]

I'm still feeling avoidant about doing anything productive

Must you always be productive? I'm serious. I mean, obviously, you should fulfill the obligations attached your job, so that you may keep it and retain your independence...if that's your wish (I would add that there is also some merit in not being employed).
I've been thinking lately about how people use that expression in all areas of their lives: as if life is just this second shift job that needs to be grimly slogged through in order to amass social capital. It seems a small, wasteful way to live. Not criticizing, just pondering.

[hermionesviolin.livejournal.com]

Thanks. I always appreciate your perspective and the deep compassion it's rooted in.

I think I was feeling more like
(1) there's productive stuff that I WANT to be doing but that I'm feeling avoidant about for reasons I can't pinpoint (hence my impulse to invoke fucked-up neurochemistry -- though it occurs to me now that it's definitely also possible that my system was just feeling worn out from a variety of things)
(2) there are obligations attached to my job that I normally have no problem fulfilling but have recently felt really avoidant around, which was worrisome to me