hermionesviolin | [Sunday] "I couldn't leave her if I tried"

Jesus, Savior, Lord, lo, to thee I fly:
Saranam, Saranam, Saranam;
Thou the Rock, my refuge that's higher than I:
Saranam, Saranam, Saranam.

I was close to having given up on getting a response from Someone, but I actually got one this morning. And it wasn't the angry response I was expecting, It was, in fact, mostly "Yes, I realize that you've been trying really hard and I haven't been trying at all." I only had about a half an hour to start a response before I needed to leave for SCBC, though, so I very much only got a partial draft of a reply written. I had a bit of a crying fit on the way to SCBC, which I didn't really understand. The best I could come up with was that I was now allowed to be upset, which didn't make sense to me because I (as I so often do) had been imagining possible responses like every time I sent one of these emails and had been mentally drafting defensive responses to these imaginary replies.

CHPC adult ed got canceled, so I could go straight home after service, which, yay! I felt like I should at least stop in at Coffee Hour, especially since there was a new little kid, but when I found my voice was shaking on the last hymn, I decided that leaving right after service was the best course of action. I had a crying fit again on my way home.

I think I actually managed to send a reasonable email (and with only like an hour's additional work).

On my way to evening church, I was thinking that my crying might have been in some ways an expression of relief -- that I didn't have to stress out about how he was going to respond, that I didn't have to keep bracing myself and being pre-emptively defensive, and also that I got affirmed/validated for my interpretation of the situation.

***

CWM-Carolyn's back, and she missed me, and I hugged her lifting her up during Passing of the Peace, and during dinner she asked me how I was and I said I was doing okay, that I've been worried about a friend of mine for a few weeks but I was feeling better -- that I was still concerned, but it was less of an emotional drain on me recently -- and that I'd finally gotten a response from a friend and I talked about that in the vague way that I do, and she talked about some of her stuff, and then I was like, "Yeah, my friend that I've been worried about..." and I did my little spiel, and she just kinda nodded -- not in a way where I felt like she wasn't hearing me, but just in a way in which she wasn't hearing it as a big dramatic scary thing, which I suspect was largely because of how I was talking about it. I hadn't initially intended to tell her about it at all, and I didn't want to get into a big serious Thing about it right then, so the way that she responded to it was really good for that moment, but I was really interested by the experience since it's so not the response I've gotten from anyone else (though as I said, it's also not the way I've presented it to anyone else).

During group after dinner, she was standing and at one point I walked over to behind her and started rubbing her back (I used to do this all the time to friends, and I'm not sure why I stopped) and after I was done she rubbed my back/neck/arms, which was really nice, especially since I so rarely get that reciprocated.

***

During Prayers of the People at CWM, Cara said something like, "I already lifted this up in prayer this morning, so I hope it's okay if I mention it here, too." One of her joys was celebrating her 15th anniversary of being diagnosed with diabetes, and I loved that she turned that into such a bubbling over joyful occasion. (Also, her friends made her a cake shaped like an insulin container, complete with realistic-looking syringes made out of frosting.)

Cara also got to be my new favorite person for being so insightful in finding ways to make everything fit neatly when we were returning things to the office, and before that there had been some disagreement about how to do a project and I kept saying "My impression was..." and not being heard, and she told me that at one point she was going to say, "I think everyone should listen to Elizabeth," but then she started laughing and so she couldn't. When she told me that, I said that if she had said that I would have been laughing so much I wouldn't have been able to speak.

***

"Joy Sadhana is a daily practice in the observation of joy."
-

mylittleredgirl [more info]

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." -Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

Five good things about today:
1. Getting a really good email from a dear friend.
2. Ross wants to get together and chat theology again (this time about gendered God-language -- in a totally generous, "If I'm going to be a pastor, I need to be aware of and understand ways in which people experience God-language" way).
3. I have a dispensation from Sean to go to Arlington Street this Thursday instead of to CAUMC.
4. Cara and Carolyn at CWM tonight.
5. This.

Three things I did well today:
1. I went to morning church(es) even though what I really wanted to do was stay home and obsessively draft a reply to an email.
2. I remembered to read a Psalm today.
3. I emailed Jeff about book group.

Two things I am looking forward to (doing [better]) tomorrow:
["anything that you're looking forward to, that means you're facing tomorrow with joy, not trepidation," as Ari says]
1. I dunno, getting caught up on some personal stuff because it may be a slow day at work? (I'm so hesitant to make predictions about what work is gonna be like)
2. phone call with Ari