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remember to breathe
May. 17th, 2010 11:16 pmDuring sharing time at re/New last night, Lindsay said sometimes the Holy Spirit is pushing her in a direction and it's scary, and I almost cried. Which is weird because I am that girl who is constantly pointing out that being called by God, saying yes to God, all that is scary and daunting stuff because God calls us out of our comfort zones and pushes us to do things we don't necessarily want to do -- so it's not like this is news to me at all.
Elizabeth F. said that someone recently had asked her what she was going to do with her life and when she told him he said, "That's God's work," and she said, "Yes it is," and she commented that sometimes she needs someone else to remind her that what she is doing is God's work.
Courtney shared something and I forget what it was, but after she had finished, the candle she had blown out continue to spiral smoke up into the air, so after the smoke stopped, I got up and said that what Courtney had said, combined with watching the smoke continuing to come from the candle even after it had been blown out, made me think of how the Holy Spirit is always present, even when we think it's gone away, even when we can't perceive it.
+
On my lunch hour today, I finished reading Theology Without Words and started Practicing Resurrection.
Beginning to read it I had the same feeling of almost wanting to cry.
It's beautiful and compelling. And seductive -- it makes me want to have a strong Call to ordained ministry, even though I think that where I am right now is the right place for me right now.
I could talk about the moments of disconnect I have had with the book thus far, but instead I offer you this:
(Later on page 22, Gallagher writes: "The Eucharist is meant to call us out of our own capacity to be sacraments, one for the other.")
I was sitting on a bench in the closest thing the b-school has to a Quad. I literally shut the book and just let myself cry.
That's near the end of Chapter 1, and as I started reading Chapter 2, I decided no. I set my cell phone alarm for the end of my lunch hour (ten minutes) and sat and prayed.
re/New last night's theme was "holy spirit" and for the breakout session I was really torn between "make a pinwheel; if you like, draw or write a prayer to the spirit before folding" and Lindsay's teaching breath prayer. Ultimately I chose the latter (I prayed "renewal" for myself and "guidance" for the community).
Praying outside today I focused on my breath, did the words of the breath prayer a little but mostly just focused on my breath -- thought about some of the images Gallagher had talked about in her first chapter, gave thanks for the beautiful breeze and then prayed some other thanksgivings, prayed some intercessory petitions, recurrently wondered if my alarm would fail to go off. I sit in prayer for ~15 minutes almost every Wednesday, so I knew I could do 10 minutes, but I was still surprised at how quickly the alarm went off.
+
It's so easy for me to "work through my lunchbreak" -- to stick around for work-related potentialities, figuring it all comes out in the wash since I have so much downtime at my desk during which I'm doing my own stuff. (I do purchase and eat lunch, I just often eat it at my desk.)
But I have learned that actually stepping away from my desk for a solid hour a day is good for me.
Laura Ruth once told me, "You are a wonderful friend to [so-and-so]! Boundaries help me be a wonderful friend to myself. I pray that is true for you, too"
In all the "saying goodbye" and "letting go," I'd forgotten that the first theme I articulated for 2010 as this year was developing was "boundaries."
I have realized recently that pausing to say grace is really good for me -- really pausing ... not just rushing through the words, but stopping to reflect as I pray them (so probably praying out loud, or at least mouthing the words, would be good), to actually pause before I start to eat.
For dinner tonight I made Trader Joe's mac&cheese and reheated some of the falafel from church. And I sat down at the kitchen table to eat. I almost always eat in front of my computer -- which is not a great idea for a number of reasons -- but tonight I made the conscious decision to sit down at the kitchen table to eat. I brought Practicing Resurrection with me, but I actually spent much of the time just eating.
+
[Admittedly, I cry at nearly everything. Later today I kept almost-crying while watching Cat Valente's acceptance speech for the Norton Award for Fairyland. "The girl lost in the dark just trying to survive, and she turns to this very old, very odd, and very new, kind of magic to save her family and somehow it works, and she finds her way."]
***
How much do I love that we, the Body of Christ, are Rocks and Redeemers? (per Molly's signoff on her email)
Seeing Molly at re/New last night (she sat sort of across from me in the circle) I had this deep desire to offer to step up to help with the work of First Church Somerville. But that's not my place. I will continue to be involved with the church as I have been, and that involvement may change but it will be an organic process, involving my gifts and abilities and the needs of the church. (Burnout, I do not want. I'm also not interested in trying to force a match where there's a mismatch.)
Elizabeth F. said that someone recently had asked her what she was going to do with her life and when she told him he said, "That's God's work," and she said, "Yes it is," and she commented that sometimes she needs someone else to remind her that what she is doing is God's work.
Courtney shared something and I forget what it was, but after she had finished, the candle she had blown out continue to spiral smoke up into the air, so after the smoke stopped, I got up and said that what Courtney had said, combined with watching the smoke continuing to come from the candle even after it had been blown out, made me think of how the Holy Spirit is always present, even when we think it's gone away, even when we can't perceive it.
+
On my lunch hour today, I finished reading Theology Without Words and started Practicing Resurrection.
Beginning to read it I had the same feeling of almost wanting to cry.
It's beautiful and compelling. And seductive -- it makes me want to have a strong Call to ordained ministry, even though I think that where I am right now is the right place for me right now.
I could talk about the moments of disconnect I have had with the book thus far, but instead I offer you this:
A few days later, I heard a story about a group of men who were in prison. They were part of the more than ten thousand political prisoners in this particular country's particular jails. It was Sunday and they wanted to celebrate communion but they had no wine, no bread, no cup, no priest.I literally cried.
"We have no bread, not even water to use as wine," their leader said to them. "But we will act as though we do."
And so he began to lead them in the communion service from the Book of Common Prayer that he had memorized over many years of attending church. When he got to the words of Jesus that are said during the Eucharistic prayer, he turned to the man standing next to him, held out his empty hands, and said, "This is my body, which is given for you."
And so they went around the circle, one by one, each man turning to the next one, opening his palms, and saying, "This is my body, given for you."
(pp. 21-22)
(Later on page 22, Gallagher writes: "The Eucharist is meant to call us out of our own capacity to be sacraments, one for the other.")
I was sitting on a bench in the closest thing the b-school has to a Quad. I literally shut the book and just let myself cry.
That's near the end of Chapter 1, and as I started reading Chapter 2, I decided no. I set my cell phone alarm for the end of my lunch hour (ten minutes) and sat and prayed.
re/New last night's theme was "holy spirit" and for the breakout session I was really torn between "make a pinwheel; if you like, draw or write a prayer to the spirit before folding" and Lindsay's teaching breath prayer. Ultimately I chose the latter (I prayed "renewal" for myself and "guidance" for the community).
Praying outside today I focused on my breath, did the words of the breath prayer a little but mostly just focused on my breath -- thought about some of the images Gallagher had talked about in her first chapter, gave thanks for the beautiful breeze and then prayed some other thanksgivings, prayed some intercessory petitions, recurrently wondered if my alarm would fail to go off. I sit in prayer for ~15 minutes almost every Wednesday, so I knew I could do 10 minutes, but I was still surprised at how quickly the alarm went off.
+
It's so easy for me to "work through my lunchbreak" -- to stick around for work-related potentialities, figuring it all comes out in the wash since I have so much downtime at my desk during which I'm doing my own stuff. (I do purchase and eat lunch, I just often eat it at my desk.)
But I have learned that actually stepping away from my desk for a solid hour a day is good for me.
Laura Ruth once told me, "You are a wonderful friend to [so-and-so]! Boundaries help me be a wonderful friend to myself. I pray that is true for you, too"
In all the "saying goodbye" and "letting go," I'd forgotten that the first theme I articulated for 2010 as this year was developing was "boundaries."
I have realized recently that pausing to say grace is really good for me -- really pausing ... not just rushing through the words, but stopping to reflect as I pray them (so probably praying out loud, or at least mouthing the words, would be good), to actually pause before I start to eat.
For dinner tonight I made Trader Joe's mac&cheese and reheated some of the falafel from church. And I sat down at the kitchen table to eat. I almost always eat in front of my computer -- which is not a great idea for a number of reasons -- but tonight I made the conscious decision to sit down at the kitchen table to eat. I brought Practicing Resurrection with me, but I actually spent much of the time just eating.
+
[Admittedly, I cry at nearly everything. Later today I kept almost-crying while watching Cat Valente's acceptance speech for the Norton Award for Fairyland. "The girl lost in the dark just trying to survive, and she turns to this very old, very odd, and very new, kind of magic to save her family and somehow it works, and she finds her way."]
***
( Molly )+
How much do I love that we, the Body of Christ, are Rocks and Redeemers? (per Molly's signoff on her email)
Seeing Molly at re/New last night (she sat sort of across from me in the circle) I had this deep desire to offer to step up to help with the work of First Church Somerville. But that's not my place. I will continue to be involved with the church as I have been, and that involvement may change but it will be an organic process, involving my gifts and abilities and the needs of the church. (Burnout, I do not want. I'm also not interested in trying to force a match where there's a mismatch.)