(no subject)

[hermionesviolin]

So, my [maternal] grandma died this afternoon.

I feel like this is a Thing I should tell people, but I also know that people will be like, "Oh, you have my sympathy, that's so sad" -- and I'm really not sad.

My best friend asked her pastor for prayers for my family, especially my mom, and the pastor was like, "Oh, prayers for Elizabeth's family, especially Elizabeth," and Ari was like, "No, really."

It's not that I dislike my grandmother, it's that she's been declining (physically, but more importantly cognitively) at an increasing pace since she fell almost 9 years ago. My mother commented years ago that my brother and I had already lost our grandmother, and it's true. Her death feels a little surreal and sudden -- despite all the recent decline, she's been kind of like the Energizer Bunny, and she went from "hospitalized with severe hip pain" to "dead" [her systems just started shutting down] in less than three days -- but I don't really feel sad.

The memorial service will be the end of the month, and I expect I will grieve some then, but mostly I will be sad for my mom.

My uncle Miles said on facebook yesterday, "For those who don't know her, she will be 94 on the 16th of this month. She has a full life of some significant accomplishments and travels. And, of course, she somehow survived making me."

La bff emailed me this evening:

allison sends her prayers

And tells you not to feel too guilty about feeling less than miserable about your grandmother's being out of pain and in a better place. In case guilt was a thing you were feeling.

We approve of Allison.

And yeah, guilt is really not a thing I was feeling.

Comments

[carlyinrome.livejournal.com]

Still: *hugs*

[mari4212.livejournal.com]

It's not that I dislike my grandmother, it's that she's been declining (physically, but more importantly cognitively) at an increasing pace since she fell almost 9 years ago. My mother commented years ago that my brother and I had already lost our grandmother, and it's true. Her death feels a little surreal and sudden -- despite all the recent decline, she's been kind of like the Energizer Bunny, and she went from "hospitalized with severe hip pain" to "dead" [her systems just started shutting down] in less than three days -- but I don't really feel sad.

It was like that when my grandmother died. She'd been so out of it and unable to communicate, and so trapped by her own body, that it was a relief to see her out of that situation. And we'd known it was coming for well over a year, so we'd accepted it and all it meant. We'd already kind of done the grieving process for her before that point.

[hermionesviolin.livejournal.com]

*nods*

I'm grateful that my grandmother didn't get to that point -- her short-term memory has been worse and worse, but she can still have conversations with people, and is functional enough that people can still enjoy spending time with her (at Christmas Eve service, Sandy K. commented that she still has her social skills, so it's still pleasant to engage with her), and she still mostly recognizes people.

(And I wrote that whole sentence in the present-tense. Huh.)

[mari4212.livejournal.com]

My grandmother had a stroke the year before she died, and it really hampered her ability to speak and eat. To use the spoons analogy, it took her three or four spoons just to say hello to someone, and as the year progressed and it was harder and harder for her to eat, she had less and less spoons to use in the first place. It was rather hard to sit there with her, knowing that her mind was still fully there, because you could see it in her eyes, but that she could not find a bridge between what was going on in her mind and her mouth. She loved us, but she couldn't connect very well any more.

She'd also been not-well since my mother was a child, a double-diagnose of MS and emphysema, so we'd sort of expected her death long before the stroke.

And with the language, yeah, I noted that it always took me a while to make that shift from present to past tense after the death. Subconscious processing, I guess, for me at least.

[eustaciavye.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry to hear this. I know she was struggling for a long time. Send your mother my best wishes.

[lunabee34.livejournal.com]

*nods*

I think I have a fair inkling of how you feel. I wasn't sad at all when my grandfather died; I was sad for everyone else's pain, but it didn't really feel like it impacted me very much.

You still have my sympathy. *hugs*

ETA: And when MeeMaw dies, I think what I will feel is mostly relief. She's been saying for years (literally years) that she's ready to die and she just doesn't know why the Lord won't take her. She's miserable. I'll be sad for my mom, but I'll be glad that MeeMaw isn't in pain anymore.

[sk8eeyore.livejournal.com]

I'll pray for your mom especially.

[paper-crystals.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[sarah-p.livejournal.com]

I know how it is to be in that weird "everyone thinks I should be devastated, but I think I'm okay" zone. When one of my grandmothers died a few years ago, I was more upset for my father, who still wasn't devastated. She had been hospitalized for almost seventeen years with Alzheimers (as in: the majority of my life), she couldn't speak, she didn't know anyone, and I don't even think I had ever had a converstation with her, because she had been so ill for so long. It was sad, obviously, but...different. I'm keeping your entire family in prayers--most especially your mother.

[viciouswishes.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[rhipowered.livejournal.com]

I'm really sorry for your family's loss, and I agree not to feel too guilty.

[onwingsofeagles.livejournal.com]

You can share the news as an Event, and just say, she had dementia and I feel like I lost my grandmother a long time ago. Then nod graciously at whatever people say. People often expect you to feel differently from what you do - usually it isn't worth correcting them.

[cadenzamuse.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

I am glad you can feel what you feel without trying to mush it into the box of "ways we must feel grief."

I will pray for your family, especially your mom.

[hermionesviolin.livejournal.com]

I am glad you can feel what you feel without trying to mush it into the box of "ways we must feel grief."

Thanks. Me, too.