// stripped me of my power, stripped me down //

[hermionesviolin]

I wrote the below before heading off to evening church and am feeling somewhat better now.

***

when i say you sucked my brain out
the english translation
is i am in love with you
and it is no fun

The above lyric is a bit melodramatic for how I'm feeling, but it was running through my head, so there it is.  (Relatedly, this morning I realized why I so often find myself singing the wholly inappropriate "you changed the rules / in an hour or two / and i don't know what you / and your sisters do / but please don't / please stop / this is not my obligation / what does my body have to do / with my gratitude?" -- it's because it's preceded by, "but i don't come and go / like a pop song / that you can play incessantly / and then forget when it's gone / you can't write me off / and you don't turn me on" which I was probably singing to myself without even realizing it.)

I had an emo attack yesterday and was like, "It's been six weeks; why now?"  Then this afternoon I was feeling malaise and didn't know why.  I realized later that it's because I don't like not knowing -- more specifically, I don't like not being in control.  This is not news, so I feel a bit abashed that I didn't think of it sooner.

I'm taking care of some stuff for departing!RA!Nicole's Monday party since I got pulled into the impromptu party Friday afternoon and so didn't do it during work hours on Friday -- and this is fine, but I think I'm feeling anxious because a prof recently got a "onetime exception" for some end-of-year celebration stuff (which is bizarre to me because Prof.B. has purchased flowers for people to celebrate new babies and whatever and those have been approved no problem), and I feel like the fact that my expense report is gonna say "purchased on prof's behalf" is gonna make it more likely that Financial will look askance at my reimbursement.

other stuff that is currently contributing to my stress (possibly an incomplete list)
- I still don't have a controversial topic for CAUMC group this Thursday.
- I feel like almost nobody's going to come to my birthday party and I would have been better off just using the day for packing.  (Even though I have Yes RSVPs from 4 college people and 3 church people.)
- The idea of purging/organizing/packing all my crap is so daunting.
- I still don't know for sure where I'm living come August.
- We leave for Greece&Italy in six weeks, and I still don't know how we're getting around Greece.  (Though at least that's been delegated to my brother; I get the easier task of finding hostels.)
- I called Terry two weeks ago tomorrow and he still hasn't called me back.  (Yes, I plan to call him again tomorrow.)
- I heard from Joe once when he facebook-chatted me back in early June and that's it.
- Hameer's in town through July 7, but I haven't heard back from him as to whether his availability matches mine.  [Edit: He facebook messaged me this evening, and the initial availability I gave doesn't look like it'll work but we're trying.  Heart "im tryin my best not to be a bad person and flake on you."]

***

Edit (in looking for a Subject Line): I forgot what an awesome song ani's "superhero" is.

Comments

emo

[onwingsofeagles.livejournal.com]

Looking at your stress list, I'd say you're feeling emo b/c you're in a kind of overwhelming place just at this moment.
And if you can learn how to cope with not being in control as this young age, you will have a much less stressful life. I don't know how to tell you to learn, tho having insight seems to help a lot.
Huggles to you.
[if you can find it, you could snuggle in the knitted hug]

Re: emo

[hermionesviolin.livejournal.com]

I've definitely gotten a lot better at rolling with, for example, other people's relaxed approaches to social planning, and also with dealing with Prof.B's particular style. I stress SO MUCH LESS than I did when I first started this job, and I am so much more relaxed now than I was in college in terms of dealing with social planning with friends. But yeah, still a work in progress.

Unrequited love

[theatre-pixie.livejournal.com]

It's never fun to love and to either not have that love returned or to be uncertain of the other person's feelings. Unfortunately, it takes a while to get over that kind of hurt. But, you do eventually get over it (you just have interesting emotional scars left behind).

*hugs*

Glad you're feeling better and less emo.

~Sara

Re: Unrequited love

[hermionesviolin.livejournal.com]

This particular situation is more that I reciprocally like someone, but for a variety of reasons the relationship just is not going to work, and so we ended it for real about six weeks ago, which intellectually I know is for the best but which still hurts.

Thanks for your good thoughts.

[hedy.livejournal.com]

I thought you weren't not planning vacations anymore?

[hermionesviolin.livejournal.com]

The road to hell is paved with -

O:-)