"night falls like people into love"

[hermionesviolin]

it's only passive aggressive if you secretly WANT me to read it without ever intending to talk to me about it
-Joe

Am I the habit you're too tired to break?
-Dar Williams, "Closer to Me"

Normal people give up on relationships, but i’ve never been good at letting go. Maybe because i’ve never had that many people, or maybe it's because of my deeper obsessive stalkerish desire to know everything about everything/everyone. However, i’ve drifted away from most everyone i went to high school with, now that i think about it. I would still like to know what’s going on in their lives, surely, but i haven’t made great efforts to stay in touch, neither have efforts been made on their parts, and i don’t consider it any great loss. Maybe that’s really more accurate: i want to keep abreast of what’s going on in people’s lives, but i only put effort into maintaining relationships i care about.

I am learning more and more that relationships need work. My mother said that her father didn’t believe in working at relationships, that you just have a relationship, you don’t work at it. I can see how that could work for some people, for some friendships, but i think in order to have a really strong and meaningful relationship you have to work at it. Of course, some relationships require more work than others.

I told Joe of my new analogy for my relationship with him: “a soft-core abusive relationship.” It’s a very faulty analogy, but it’s just that it feels like i keep going through the same cycle over and over: i feel neglected, bitch him out, he apologizes and things are better for a while... repeat cycle.

But honestly, every time we talk (like capital letter Talk) i learn important things, about how he works and such. Speculation is good for no one; it breeds dwelling, wallowing, etc. I don’t always like the answers i get, but it beats the heck out of brooding speculation.

I told him, “Believe me, i will always call you on your shit, and i will never stop caring about you.”

sometimes it seems like love is just a fancy word for compromise; you gotta read between the years, you gotta write between the lines, you gotta try to understand the grandness of the man behind the petty crimes and let him off easy sometimes


j after watching a Family Guy episode:

in said episode, stewie (rex-harrison-goes-maniacal-and-is-also-baby) goes to daycare and falls in love with a brunette named janet. he is sent into throws of psychological and well-nigh-metaphysical torment, which is funny because this fellow-toddler lacks his unnatural new-born intellect (and britishness). in fact, the only word she is capable of saying, and her only wordlly interest, is the following:

"cookie"

this is every relationship i have ever had.

For myself i will go further and say that is why i don’t have relationships. Why i have so few friends and so little desire to date anyone.